Posted in November 2012

Fake Movie Friday: Healthy Living Through Sobriety

Thankfully Russ posted his movie, I always worry when I am the first one to post… Like maybe everyone forgot. Or they’re off having fun without me while I’m writing and they stopped caring… We’ll deal with these issues and more (no we won’t) in my latest movie! This will be another quick one, I’m just trying to figure out what this will be about… all I have right now is the title. I kinda like this title:

Healthy Living Through Sobriety

We open on 20-something Tyler, who is just being let out of jail for selling narcotics in Missouri. His parents are picking him up. There is a whole lot of voice overs that set up where he has been and what happened. There is also one of those very awkward car rides where no one says anything the whole trip and just stares forward.

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Fake Movie Friday – Kill The Messenger

Next week, I’ll be writing the unnecessary sequel to Polly and Max: Time’s Up, but this week I’m writing the pulpy film Kill The Messenger.

Kill The Messenger is a dark crime film about a Mob Messenger named Michael DuPinto.   He’s a low level employee of a major crime syndicate.  His job is to deliver messages from his higher ups to companies and store fronts that pay protection money.  It’s a pretty easy job.  He goes to the stores, sets the protection rate, and picks it up in a week or so.  If he has a problem, he’ll call in bigger guns to rough people up.  He never gets hurt, and he usually gets a small enough piece of the action to make it worth his while.

One day,  his boss, Big Goat, tells him to pick up money from a Dry Cleaners he’s been having problems with.  They’ve been short on payments a few times.  As Michael arrives, he sees his muscle leaving the cleaners.  They say, the pick up is all taken care of.  Michael says ok, but feeling a little suspicious he goes into the cleaners and the owner, played by a Tony Shaloub type, says that he can’t keep paying the protection money if goes up every week.  Michael says the rates been the same, and he realizes the muscle has been skimming off the top.  The muscle however stayed behind long enough to find out Michael is onto their scheme.  Michael realizes this and runs out the back of the cleaners.

The muscle come back in and then kill the cleaners owner and frame Michael for it.  They tell Big Goat before Michael can tell his side of the story and Michael is a marked man.  The entire mob is now after him because he’s been stealing and Michael has to find a “safe house” type place.  The only place safe for him to go is to the Dry Cleaners wife’s apt.  She’s conveniently hot.  Michael tells her they killed her husband and the only way to expose the real truth is for her to let him in.  She does and he tells her everything.  The muscle eventually track him down there, leaving a lot of dead bodies in their wake, but he and Lorna, the cleaners’ wife have left.   Big Goat grows increasingly angry with the muscle and says that if Michael isn’t dead within 24 hours, he’ll have everyone wiped out (which makes no sense for a crime syndicate).

As the chase draws on and the chemistry between Michael and Lorna builds, it’s clear that the only way Michael is going to get out of this alive, is if he gets his hands dirty.  Michaels going to have to kill the muscle.  After getting the evidence he needs to clear his name in the eyes of Big Goat, Michael and Lorna have some victory sex cause why not, and they go to the only guy left Michael can trust, his dirty cop brother, Sam.  Sam gets them some weapons and untraceable cell phones and other stuff.  Michael uses the phone to tell the muscle where to meet him.  He wants to give himself up.   Right when they arrive at the warehouse location,  Sam and Lorna begin opening fire on the muscle.  They kill 4 of them, but they brought backup.  Sam, Lorna and Michael all get into a cool but bloody gunfight and Sam sustains serious injury before calling in for backup.  He tells Michael and Lorna to get out of there and they run away.  The cops get there and kill most of the muscle.  Basically Michael lured them into a trap that would get them either arrested or killed.   The few that remain alive are taken to prison where they claim they’ll never talk.

As that is happening Michael got to Big Goat, giving him the proof to clear his name and stuff and Goat has his guys on the inside take out the remaining muscle.  Goat says he’ll give Michael 1 million dollars and an elevated position within the syndicate for loyalty.  Michael says he’ll take the money, but he wants to take Lorna and get out completely.  Go legit.  Goat says it’s something he wishes he could have done years ago.  He grants Michael his freedom.

The next scene is the obligatory beachfront scene where we see everything has worked out and Michael runs a small bar in Hawaii.  We see a bunch of street thugs come up to his bar offering protection for a fee.  Michael smiles at the camera and says “Lets talk” (it’s assumed he’s super tough now and can kill them if he wants).

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Old Xmen and New Xmen and the Combination of Two Franchises

Everyone can agree that the first two X-Men films were good and great respectively, and then x3 was trash and killed too many characters and was stupid.

Then X-Men Origins: Wolverine was WORSE

Then X-Men: First Class was a step back in the right direction.   Well it looks like Fox is confirming what we all thought and have signed Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellan to play older Professor X and Magneto, while confirming James McAvoy and Michael Fassbender will be back playing their younger counterparts for X-Men: Days of Future Past.  With all of this time travel mumbo jumbo, it looks like unless this is two movies, it might be a little too much for one film.  I hope it’s two films because I can’t imagine being able to wrap up a story like this in one film without being disjointed and having very little character development.  But since Bryan Singer is back directing, I’m hopeful, that he’ll take the timeline of the X-Men films and make it all make sense in a Star Trekkian way.

We shall see!

Resident Evil Retribution

It has come to this. I haven’t seen a lot of recent zombie movies, I’ve been meaning to watch my copy of Juan of the DeadThe Walking Dead has really been scratching my zombie itch so I haven’t really sought out too many zombie movies from the 2010’s. But I did see Resident Evil Retribution, which the Movie Movie Dudes reviewed on a live podcast. I actually had fun with the film, it is dumb as hell but an enjoyable watch.

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Movie Movie Podcast #24: Silver Lincoln Playbook

Eleven score and 4 days ago our egos brought forth on this continent a new podcast, conceived in enmity, and dedicated to the proposition that all movies are not created equal. Join Alex, Peter, Russ and myself as we recount Lincoln and have a group session about Silver Linings Playbook. Recorded on November 26th 2012.

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Fake Movie Friday – Snack Friday

Sorry this is late, but whatever.  Trapped in the Closet came on last night.

Snack Friday is about an extremely unhealthy father named Ted who works for a megalomaniacal snack cake company.  His daughters hate that he works for them because it’s bad food and he’s really fat (think Jim Carrey in a fatsuit).  The night of thanksgiving while the entire family is eating Ted gets a call from his boss and leaves the table.  This upsets everyone cause business is more important than family.  Anyway his boss tells him that if he doesn’t find a way to sell off all of the remaining snack cake stock before it goes bad, they’ll post a loss and he’ll be fired.  His boss tells him like 3 locations, in california, none close that all the snack cakes will have to be delivered.  His kids hear this are sad because he promised them he’d go shopping for Black Friday with them, so he decides to do both.  The Eye of the Tiger plays as fat suit Ted puts on a sweatsuit, plots out a route and gets in the car with his kids.

Over the next 45 mins or so, we see that not only is Ted bonding with his kids, but he’s also losing weight.  The speed by which he’s going to stores and shit with his kids is inexplicably helping him lose weight crazy fast in a day.  Before the trip started he promised his kids he’d only eat healthy stuff.  The only thing that’s really changed is he isn’t eating GloboCakes snacks anymore.  He starts to realize that it’s the snack cakes that have always made him fat and irritable and absent as a father, but he’s still selling them to other stores.  His kids tell him it’s wrong, but he tells them sometimes for a job you have to do things you don’t like.

Anyway before the last store, his evil boss, Sterns, (Giamatti type actor) tells him that if he doesn’t get the GloboCakes to San Francisco by 5pm, he might have to fire him.  Ted says he can do it, but on the way there with his kids who look like they are disapppointed in him even though hes starting to look better, tell him if he does it he’ll just go back to being their same old dad who’s never there or cares, unlike the dad they’ve had a great roadtrip with or something.  Right as they are getting on the goldengate bridge, he decides to turn around and go home.  Sterns calls firing him, and Ted says, no I’m firing you and laughs hanging up.  Ted’s wife, Laura, played by a Leslie Mann type sees Ted pulling in the driveway and is shocked to see he’s not fat anymore.  He looks like he did in their wedding photo.

A few months later Ted is now a salesman for a healthy food company and looks great and his kids love him and this is over.

5 mins! This took me 5 mins to write.  HOLLYWOOD COME AT ME!

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Fake Movie Friday: Cymbol

Ok… I don’t even know where to start with this…

Cymbol

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Fake Movie Friday: Carnivalworld

Ok, it’s almost 9 and I just got home from work. Tigs told me this for a title. This WILL be quick

Carnivalworld
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Is Beautiful Creatures the first adaptation of a Fake Movie Friday?

So it isn’t exactly the same, but this movie certainly shares a lot of things in common with Johnny Tig’s There’s no Turning Black. The movie itself looks like pretty dumb, but if it was named There’s no Turning Black I would be first in line.

Via Ain’t It Cool

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Fake Movie Friday: Banana Peel

Whoops! A little bit late, sorry about that. I know you have all been on the edge of your seat waiting for this, so I again apologize for making you wait for this and I would like to thank Sarah Mulligan (I think it was you Sarah) for this title suggestion at our 3rd Anniversary show!

Banana Peel

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