Posted in March 2013

Movie Movie Podcast #36: Olympus Has Spring Breakers

Happy almost Easter everyone (if you celebrate it, that is)! I’m not sure if you know about this, but if you leave a carrot on your table, write a nice note, and follow us on iTunes you’ll receive a new podcast every week! It’s crazy how these things called “computors” work. Join Alex, Russ, Peter and myself as we agree on Olympus has Fallen, and I shit a brick over everyone’s love of Spring Breakers. Recorded on March 27th 2013.

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Fake Movie Friday: His Secrets

I got home at 5 today. It is a glorious day. I haven’t really had a chance to enjoy the weather. Thus I’m on the couch with pajama pants on writing this piece of trash. Ok, 2+ hours later and I’m finally writing this after starting the intro.

His Secrets

Movie starts off with two women having brunch (peter movie plot twist!). Our main character, Eve, talks with her friends about her relationship problems. Sue, her friend, laughs off Eve’s self-deprecating jokes. Sue tells her to keep her chin up because her luck will soon change.
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Fake Movie Friday: Philip Gets Better

Don’t turn this into Bioshock: Infinite… don’t turn this into Bioshock: Infinite… don’t turn this into Bioshock: Infinite… don’t turn this into Bioshock: Infinite… don’t turn this into Bioshock: Infinite… don’t turn this into Bioshock: Infinite… don’t turn this into Bioshock: Infinite… don’t turn this into Bioshock: Infinite… This is going to be very short, because if I think too much or take too long, it will become Bioshock: Infinite. Colm’s title suggestion this week:

Philip Gets Better

 

Philip has been in a mental institution for a long time. He’s been claiming aliens have been contacting him , they can read his thoughts and know exactly what he’s doing. He also claims that he can hear what they’re doing as well and has been trying to warn everyone about an invasion.

We show scenes of Philip before being in an institution and he would be standing on the street with signs of warning letting everyone know what’s being shared with him. No one believes him obviously and soon he resorts to vandalism and even more serious crimes like arson to try and get everyone’s attention. This is what ultimately puts him in the institution. He claims to know the date, which is supposed to happen during the trial, but nothing happens on that day. He says the aliens know he told and are planning a later date now.

Even in the institution he is still holding fast to his beliefs, and even while heavily medicated he is still spouting the same stuff. He’s even warning about a new date, a date which this time the aliens actually arrive on and wage a war.

Philip is let out and asked to help with the war. He is brought up to speed on the worlds plan. Of course the aliens can hear and see all of this and everything is thwarted. Humanity falls, most are taken as prisoner, and only a few survive in bunkers and this new alien race takes over.

Philip has been captured by the aliens and is brought to the ruler. He asks why he was brought there and the ruler says something like “you don’t remember?” The ruler rips off Philips skin and reveals him to be a alien as well, some high ranking general. He is horrified and the ruler says something like, “we left you here too long brother, you are beginning to act and GASP think like them.” Philip says “maybe I have” and proceeds to punch through the head of the ruler, steals his side arm and primary weapon and takes down all of the forces around him. He lets the captive humans out that are there and then they all take up arms and start the war to take back earth… I guess.

The end?

Phew, it was only a little bioshocky. It originally was far closer

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The Wolverine Trailer

It looks ok, but when you compare it to X-Men Origins: Wolverine, it looks oscar worthy, so theres that…

See for yourself!

Fake Movie Friday: Shovel

I got home a few hours ago and said “Oh I should write my Fake Movie Friday.” 3 hours later I’m starting it. Idiot… Also this movie is bad. I’m off my game.

Shovel

Quick cuts as a group of bikers tears into town. They smash into a bank and rob it. They do it violently, shooting a guard. They mean business and are not to be fucked with. Tear right out of town.
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Fake Movie Friday: HackBus: Air Force One 2

Alright, Alex and I are currently on the bus to Boston for PAX East. While waiting in line for the ride this morning we started stumbled upon an idea for a movie that we decided had to be written. With that, I give you:

HackBus: Air Force One 2

The movie opens with the end of Air Force One. We see Harrison Ford, as president James Marshall, kicking Gary Oldman out of the plane. The public loved James and wants him to be president forever, but he decided to step down after his first term and not run again. There are news programs and papers that are shown in vignettes that tell the history of the world since then. Much of Eastern Europe has formed under the monicker of nUSSR, the US’s economy keeps getting worse, pollution has gotten so bad that air travel is no longer available and Smart Busses have taken over as a clean and fuel efficient way to travel, and people are once again calling for James Marshall to take up a non-consecutive second term in office. They say he’s the only one who can bring the economy back and the nUSSR wants to sign a peace treaty but not with the current president. James runs and wins by a landslide.

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Reboot-o-Tron, Set A Course For Pete’s Dragon

So Disney seems to be perfectly content a mandate of no new original content, or “if you haven’t seen it, it’s new to you!” because now they seem intent on remaking the old 70’s kid flick Pete’s Dragon.  Most people probably don’t even remember it, but I do.  I grew up spending a lot of weekends with my grandparents and I’d almost always watch Pete’s Dragon.  It was a hybrid live-action/animated film about an abused kid (by Disney standards) who had an “Imaginary” dragon named Elliot.  No one else could see him, but they’d have adventures and hijinks and stuff in a coastal town in New England.  Theres also a ton of hillbillies.   It’s a fun, simple movie that all kids will like.

Here is where I get worried.  Disney only makes a few movies a year, and none of them have budgets below $150 Million.  They are going to turn Pete’s Dragon into a franchise and Narnia or Alice it.  It’ll likely be epic in scale, have little comedy and probably have some sort of prophecy involved.  It seems we forgot kids are relatively easy to amuse.  They don’t need wild effects budgets and swirling Hobbit-level adventures.  Sometimes keeping it smaller in scale works better for their little brains and isn’t boring or expository.  Look at those Diary of a Wimpy Kid movies for example.  They cost nothing, but make a lot and are only for kids.  Why can’t Disney use that model sometimes, albeit on a larger scale?  The only effect needs to be the cartoon Dragon.  Let everything else be bumbling old people and Pete.

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Movie Movie Podcast #35: StOZker

Alright, this could be my worst title (to date). The last remnants of snow have vanished from the bustling city streets, which can only signify one thing: a new Movie Movie Podcast! Join Peter, Russ, Alex and myself as we discuss Stoker and Oz the Great and Powerful. Recorded on March 13th 2013.

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Fake Movie Friday: Fighting Midnight

How did I forget it was Fake Movie Friday? 40-something Fridays in a row (yes and one Saturday) I have written one, and this week I just totally forget? So I have 13 minutes to write this. Let’s do it.

Fighting Midnight
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Fake Movie Friday: Post It

Some dude said I looked like Lena Dunham last night. I thought that was kind of weird, yet apropos after looking in a mirror. You know what else is sure to be weird? My Fake Movie Friday! Colm comes through again with yet another banger title:

Post It

Frank is a professional gossip blogger. He has built his life on muck raking from some of hollywoods finest, but has never had his own big story break before. Most of the time he is just piggy backing off of other, more well known and renowned gossip sites and publications.

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