Monthly Archives: March 2013

Movie Movie Podcast #34: Jack the Giant Snitch

The slump has finally caught up with us. We may have no energy throughout this podcast, but you should have been there for the bits before and after I recorded. It was pretty funny. Join Alex, Pete, Russ and myself as we begrudgingly make our way through Jack the Giant Slayer and Snitch. Recorded on March 6th 2013.

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Fake Movie Friday: …And Everything Nice

Lets get this thing done! Another work and straight to Scatterbomb night and I am beat. Today’s title is courtesy of something they had written on the white board behind them.

…And Everything Nice

Foggy night, drunk guy and girl walk down the street. They kiss and he is trying for more but she pushes him off. He complains and she runs off behind an old abandon house. They find a swing set and she jumps on. He trips on his way to her and lays on the ground as she laughs at him. He realizes he can no longer hear her and starts to get up. She is gone and he hears the sounds of a little girl laughing. He turns and there is a girl in front of him. He asks her if she’s ok. She charges at him.
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Fake Movie Friday: KGBee: The Sting Operation

Colm comes through again with what I think is his best title yet. It got pretty punny in our gchat conversation today and with that I bring you:

KGBees: The Sting Operation

The Hive, KGBee headquarters, 0600 hours. Queen Bee, known as Q, has called in her best agent, John Carpenter, to take on what could be the most deadly case of his career. With information from the CIAnts about a new plot to take over the world by the Termiban, who has been working with rogue anti-nationalists M.A.N.T.I.S (The Malevolent, Anarchistic, Nihilistic Truants of Insect Society), led by Maximilien Robeespierre, to infiltrate the Republic of Insectica and bring it to it’s knees with biological weaponry; germ warfare.

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Fake Movie Friday – Holy Water

This film will be some actor’s directorial debut and it will be controversial, but more than that, it wont be good.  It will be about the church.

Holy Water.

We open on a man and woman having graphic sex in a confessional booth. You already know the type of movie you are for.  Father Leary is new to the priesthood, but hasn’t taken his vows seriously.  He’s a hotshot young priest in 1970’s boston.  He’s a die-hard Celtics/Sox/Bruins fan and smokes cigarettes regularly.  A monologue of Father Leary giving an impassioned sermon begins as scenes begin to unfold showing Leary gambling, fornicating with women in teh confessional booth, and taking money from the collection.  We see he takes the collection money and buys himself a pack of cigarettes.  As he leaves, he sees a homeless person and tosses him $10 bucks, saying keep the change.

The next scene is Leary at home with his family.  He comes from a family of criminals and deviants, and he’s considered the one who got out.  All of his brothers are scumbags, and his father is in jail.  His mother is tough (think Melissa Leo in The Fighter).  His mother asks him when is he gonna quit with the priesthood and give her a grandchild.  All the other kids will be lucky to find a woman much-less have a child with one.  He says his life belongs to th lord.  You can tell she sees right through what he’s saying.

The Cardinal of Boston comes to Leary’s church one day right after Leary finishes having sex with some sad housewife.  Imagine he’s played by Brendan Gleeson.  He tells Leary that the other priest think he’s a joke, and if he doesn’t get himself together he’s going to be excommunicated. Leary tells him to go fuck himself.  That he’s been working in the highest crime district in the nation.  That trying to save these souls is pointless.  That what the church claims to defend is pointless.  He’s got an early oscarbait moment where he tells the Cardinal he knows about what happened to those boys last summer.  It doesn’t take a rocket scientist.  If he loses his priesthood, he’ll blow the whole situation out of the water.  The Cardinal tells him to be careful about his threats.  Leary tells the Cardinal the same and he leaves.

Later that evening after some more carousing, he goes to buy a pack of smokes and sees that same homeless person from a day ago.  He notices the person looks familar and realizes its one of the same kids that was molested a year back.  He tells the kid, named Charlie, he’s not like the other priests who gang-molested him.  He’s into women.  Leary brings Charlie back to his home.  Here Charlie tells him that after it happened, no one would believe him and his extremely devout parents kicked him out on the street.  He’s been there ever since.  All he ever wanted to do was be a good altar boy, and he was, until it all went bad.  Leary tells him he can stay until he gets himself together.  Charlie asks Leary to help tell his story.  Leary tells him he can’t, he’ll lose everything if he does (somehow). Charlie accepts this momentarily.

As the movie continues we see that Charlie’s influence around Leary starts to turn him into a better person.  He begins only having sex with one  woman and he realizes he might love her.  During a sermon one day he says he loves someone above all else, and right as the congregation says “Jesus” he says “Mary” and he says she’s made him a better person, Charlie’s made him a better person, and sure God has helped too, but what he’s learned is that sometimes god doesn’t answer prayers.  He goes into explaining how Charlie was molested and how the church did nothing.  How they failed him.  How he failed him.  Of course the Cardinal was at this service and begins casting Leary out as a heretic, but he says it’s all true, and that’s why he’s stepping down.

The next scene we see Charlie and Leary have pooled their resources and opened a home for boys and Leary is no longer a priest, but married to Mary.   Charlie asks Leary one night, if he regrets what he did (a flashback of all the sex and weird stuff Leary used to do quickly comes across the screen) and Leary, a bit older now says, “Do I regret it?”

End.

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A lot to do about everything

Holy crap this looks good. Good enough to get me to break my streak of nothing but Fake Movie Friday posts. Too bad the trailer has premiered as the same day as Hangover 3, which we will not be sharing on this site.

I want to see this so badly. It looks fantastic. I can’t wait. I watch this trailer and can’t help but think about how bad ‘The Great Gatsby’ looks compared to this film made in black and white by Joss Whedon. He shot it at his own home with a bunch of his friends.

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About Clerks 3

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There have been a lot of snarky posts at movie new sites about Clerks 3, and no one has really gotten the story completely right. I should preface this post by saying that I’ve been a huge Kevin Smith fan for years and I listen to far to many of his podcasts. I will say that I get the Kevin Smith hate to some degree. He does have some gross personality flaws and has severe technical filmmaking limitations. In terms of his personality flaws, they are nowhere near as troubling and off-putting as those of his podcasting contemporaries (Adam Carolla, Marc Maron, and Joe Rogan come to mind). In terms of his filmmaking, it sort of feels like going to see your friend’s band–maybe they aren’t the best band ever, but of course I’m going to go support them and enjoy the music.

Which brings us to Clerks 3.
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Fake Movie Friday: Aloha to the Luau

It seems like since you can’t turn on the TV without seeing a preview for ‘21 & Over.’ It was the same thing last year with ‘Project X.’ Companies keep shitting out these teen party movies and advertising them to death. They cost little and make it all back getting 16 year olds excited. I’m going to try one. Title based on a line from the Workaholics ep I am watching.

Aloha to the Luau

Our main character Jay wakes up to a big breakfast made for him by his mother and father (CLASSIC PETE OPENING!). Next to his plate is a letter from Harvard. His mom already opened it. He got in and his parents are elated. He seems to not care that much and faking his smile. His parents say they can’t wait to tell everyone at the big block luau that night.
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Fake Movie Friday – Dead Baby Jokes

I’m already sorry about this one.  This is a really awful idea and I can’t shake it, so i’m just going to write it away.

Dead Baby Jokes

We open on a cop running into a circus.  He’s obviously in a rush, but when he gets backstage of the circus he’s too late.  He sees a dead baby dressed up like a clown.  He was too late to save the baby and the serial killer got away.  At this point the title card plays. 

We cut to 5 years later

Detective Hanson, the cop from earlier, has retired.  After chasing Baby Jokes all over Seattle for a summer, he’s seen enough of the horror, the mayhem, the dead babies.  He decides to become a private security consultant instead.  It’s easier hours and less stress.  One day while on the job he gets a call from his old captain, telling him that Baby Jokes has struck again, and this time he asked from Hanson directly.  Hanson refuses, says he’s out of that life, but the captain asks him how many babies can he leave on his conscience? 5, 10, 50?  At this point there is a really tasteless flashback of other dead babies and Hanson decides to come back to the force.  Only this time he wants a partner.  The captain pairs Hanson up with Aaron McCordy, a younger, but seasoned detective.  McCordy looks up to Hanson as somewhat of a criminal profiling genius, so they get along well.  When they get to kennel, they see a dead baby.  It was obviously the joke “How do you know when a baby is a dead baby? the dog plays with it more”

Both Hanson and McCordy figure that one out really fast, but while on the scene, Baby Jokes leaves another half joke in one of the cages.  It reads “What do you call a dead baby with no arms or legs hanging on your wall?”  After giving it some thought they realize the answer is art.  In some Fincher style quick editing, we see Hanson and McCordy on the phone telling the station to get them a list of every gallery and museum in Seattle.  They get the list and gamble on what location to go to and because it’s a movie they get there just in time to see someone running away from the Seattle Museum of Art.  McCordy chases after him and Hanson frantically searches the museum to find a hopefully living baby.  He doesn’t the baby is dead and McCordy comes back having not been able to catch the potential killer.  Hanson takes out his flask and starts drinking again.  This is what made him unravel so many years ago.  As usual there is another clue from Baby Jokes.  This time he says it’s his last clue.  Hanson says it’s just like last time.  He does a few regular baby killings before a grand spectacle final killing.  The joke reads “what’s worse than a dead baby in a trashcan?”  Right here Hanson realizes Baby Jokes is going to stage a mass execution.  He just doesn’t know where he’ll get all the babies from.  McCordy suggests an orphanage or hospital, so they split up and go to both.  At the Orphanage, Hanson sees the staff very despondent. They tell that all the babies have been kidnapped.  Hanson says he’s going to save them, he just needs to realize what will be the “trashcan.”  Here we realize the answer is multipart.  100 dead babies is the answer, but what’s worse than that is that the one at the bottom is alive, and he has to eat his way to the top (metaphorically).  Hanson calls McCordy, but he doesn’t answer, he leaves a message saying that he thinks Baby Jokes is going to strike at the Seattle landfill.  And drives there really fast.

When he gets there, he sees McCordy is already there.  He asks how he got there so soon? He says he had the same hunch.  Anyway they go to this giant pit of babies, none of which have been killed yet.  There is a giant demolition ball hanging above the baby pit.  Hanson says that have to move the ball and save the kids,  they are ahead of Baby Jokes this time.  Only McCordy shoots Hanson right in the leg and says they aren’t.  Now it becomes clear that McCordy was baby jokes all along (theres flashbacks that help it make more sense).  McCordy goes into a long story about how he was given up for adoption, and had a tough life etc etc.  When he was a teen and old enough to meet his parents, they had a young baby at the time.  He confronted them and they said they were too young to make a mistake.  A MISTAKE! He apparently thought this was a good enough reason to kill babies all the time.  Hanson calls him sick and twisted and McCordy agrees, but now with Hanson out of the way, he can kill all the babies. Hanson despite being shot in the leg gets up and charges at McCordy.  They both fall and ground scuffle.  McCordy beats him up pretty bad and says he wants to keep him alive to witness his greatest failure.  He gets into the demolition ball cockpit thing and begins lowering to ball slowly.  The babies are crying like they know they’re gonna die but at the last minute Hanson tackles McCordy and the entire demo ball machine topples over.  Hanson starts gun butting McCordy until there isn’t even a head left to gun but.  He kills McCordy and calls the entire police force to get the babies out of the pit.  The captain comes to the scene and asks what happened.  Hanson just says, “I quit.”  It rains. 

Movie Over.

I’m so sorry everyone.

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Fake Movie Friday: Hard Reboot

Colm gave me the title and helped out with the ideas, though I forgot most everything we talked about specifically and was too lazy to check out our Gchat conversation. I do love this title:

Hard Reboot

The year is 2245 and the world is united. We no longer rely on oil, coal, gas or other forms of current unclean energy and instead are using the perpetual rotation of the Earth to generate unlimited energy with a device we call The Core, which sits below the Earths surface. Automatons and humans live together in harmony, the robots are responsible for much of the manual labor. Without warning a giant ship appears over the earth and begins to drain the energy from The Core and have taken control of it. The robots stop working, factories are ground to a halt, most electronics no longer work (but there are still some battery-powered things), and the world is in a panic.

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Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2 Trailer

I was talking to Russ about this yesterday, and we both loved this trailer. The first movie was great, and this definitely doesn’t look like just a retread. The puns killed me.

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