Filed under Absolute Horse-shit News

Nicolas Cage is Left Behind!

Nicolas Cage has signed on to star in a reboot of the Left Behind series.  Left Behind was a film starring Kirk Cameron that came out about 10 years ago and was basically a film about the rapture that the religious right ate up with a spoon.  It’s based on a series of books that cater to Evangelical and Born Again Christian types.  Not saying all of those people are bad, but the ones who push their beliefs on everyone and make laws a referendum on religion definitely are bad.

Anyway the writers of the original film must have gotten the hollywood money bug, because they want to reboot the series to be more accessible and more disaster film based.  I don’t know how you parse the religion out of this property, but it’s my guess that they are going to try and make modestly budgeted disaster films with a recognizable actor, and have the films hit you in the religious sense from more of a subliminal point.  However, where this is going to go wrong is anyone who is fervently religious and born again, is pretty much incapable of telling an understated story.  The religion is going to smack you in the mouth probably more, just now with a bigger budget.

I hate everything about this.

Also: Did Nicolas Cage officially throw in the towel?

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Not A Fake Movie Friday

We regret to inform you that the above trailer for ‘So Undercover’ is in fact real. Actual people worked to make this film and many of them were paid handsomely for it.

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Condorman Reboot. Because No One Asked For It

Back in 1981 when Disney was in the “dark ages” and creatively bankrupt, they made a live-action comedy/adventure film called Condorman.  It was about a cartoonist who inexplicably became a superhero.  This is what it looked like:

This film was one of my least favorite movies ever growing up.  It was one of the few movies for kids I would rather turn the TV off than watch.  Leave it to the powers that be at the Mouse House to reboot this into a big-budget franchise.

I’ve stopped asking “Why?” It serves no purpose.  We all know that studios believe that SOME recognition is better than a completely new idea, and if you already have the rights to something, hell, you’re pretty much done.  Disney has aggressively been going after the young male demo for the last few years with mixed results.  For every Avengers and Wreck-It Ralph, we get John Carter or Mars Needs Moms.  I have a feeling whatever they do with Condorman is going to be pure ass.

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This Week in Bullshit Romantic Comedies

Ever since Katherine Heigl stopped being commercially viable, it feels like we’ve had a lack of incredibly unrealistic romantic comedies. Don’t worry though, kindly reader, Anne Hathaway has decided she no longer wants to be taken seriously as an actress.

The Ice Planet Hath has signed on for ‘The Low Self-Esteem of Lizzie Gillespie’ and no it is not a Disney Channel series. The film co-written by current I-can’t-figure-out-how-IT-girl Mindy Kaling centers on woman whose low self-esteem has her only dating losers.

Get ready for the gorgeous Anne Hathaway having trouble finding a boyfriend!

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Kate Beckinsale is The Mummy (Probably)

Len Wiseman has been hired to shepherd the reboot of The Mummy franchise.  Apparently the studio wants to take the series in an entirely different and darker direction, so they hired Wiseman.  So far, if we are keeping score at home, Len Wiseman created and directed the vastly underwhelming Underworld series, he directed the infinitely dumb Live Free or Die Hard, and he directed the remake bomb of the summer Total Recall.  There are two common threads in Len Wiseman movies;  Kate Beckinsale (his wife), and life-less set pieces.  Maybe life-less is what a Mummy film needs? Probably not.

I am at my wits end with Hollywood.  I get that monster movies will continually be revised and released etc, but why are we attaching hacks to projects that could be great.  Say what you want about Stephen Sommers’ Mummy films, but at least they were fun.  No they weren’t be any stretch the definitive Mummy film, but they were fun adventure films that killed time.  Len Wiseman can only make lense-flare filled action scenes with his wife front and center.  Nothing he has made gives me confidence this is a good idea.  What I can tell you is that Wiseman is the perfect director for a studio that doesn’t want to take risks.  He can make your movie on time, on a lower budget, and he wont be a problem to work with!  I’m sure he’s a nice guy, but we have to stop giving this guy major franchises.  He can’t do it.  He can film is wife’s butt awesomely though.

I think every studio should just stop and think WWGDTD (What Would Guillermo Del Toro Do?) when thinking about starting a new sci-fi/horror franchise.

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RebootoTron sets it’s sights on Manimal

Remember that shitty show from the 80’s Manimal? No? Well it was a show, ergo it can now be adapted and rebooted into a movie.

Fuck this.

Manimal was an early 80’s tv show about a Dr. who could turn into animals and used that power to help the police solve crimes.  Seriously.  That is not a fake movie friday.  That was a real thing.  Because it was a TV show tho, he really only ever turned into a Hawk or a Panther.  If he turned into another animal, they just didn’t show the transformation onscreen, since the only morphing sequences were Hawk and Panther.

DUUUUUUUUUUMB!

The 80’s had some really bad ideas (Small Wonder, “Very Special Episodes about Pedophilia’, etc.), but Manimal might be the worst one.  It was so bad that it was canceled after 3 months.  8 episodes in total exist, so this is what Sony decides needs to be adapted.  Are we this creatively bankrupt that we have to start taking the worst ideas from 30 years ago?

C’mon…

There is no way this wont get turned into a Happy Madison comedy for Rob Schneider (though he technically already made that movie), or Nick Swardson, or hell, Andy Samberg.

It’s going to suck and I’m not going to see it.

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We Should Stop Taking The Robocop Reboot Seriously

It was really only a matter of time. After a few months of incredible casting news that included Omar, Gary Oldman, Samuel L. Jackson, and the now off the film Hugh Laurie, the ‘Robocop’ news is turning sour. Who could have guessed it would be about the films foreign director having trouble dealing with Hollywood?
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Reboot-O-Tron Decides to Remake VIDEODROME

Videodrome is a 1983 classic techno-horror film starring James Woods as a Canadian TV exec who starts pirating a channel that shows real killings, snuff film style.  It gets very popular and a bunch of weird shit happens.  It’s basically a cautionary tale about TV only David Cronenberg made it, so you know it’s weirder than anything.

Well, Universal Studios have decided to reboot/remake or whatever the fuck they plan on calling it to Videodrome.  They even hooked a music video director to helm it, Alan Berg.

Problems:

1.  This didn’t need to be remade.

2.  David Cronenberg is a genius-level weirdo.  Unless he wanted to go back to that world, theres no reason to go back

3.  All of the creepiness, will most likely be replaced with slick visuals.

4. Being able to direct a commercial or music video should not give you carte blanche to direct a heady sci-fi horror epic with lots of moralistic ideas about media.

I’m assuming Universal’s thought is that the original is 30 years old almost, so they can re-release it on blu-ray around the time they get the new one up and running in theaters.  I saw the original years ago when I was too young to even understand it, but it creeped me out to no end.  Movies don’t creep people out like that anymore.  I’ll bet they even try and neuter it by making it PG-13.

David Cronenberg must be pissed about this while he drinks his Molson.

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R-Patt of Arabia

Robert Pattinson will be playing T.E. Lawrence. T.E. Lawrence is the real life inspiration for the film ‘Lawrence of Arabia.’ LoA is an incredible epic from 1962 which won 7 academy awards and starred the great, recently retired, Peter O’Toole.

One of these things is not like the other.
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Because No One Asked For It…Alf:The Movie

Those geniuses at Sony Pictures Animation.  You know those guys who want to hang with the big boys of Dreamworks and Pixar, and to a lesser extent Illumination and Blue Sky, but make mostly heartlessly dumb films like Open Season and Smurfs are about to start working on a live action/CGI hybrid version of Alf.

Remember Alf? Yea, neither does mostly anyone, but it was an alien that lived with a family and liked eating cats and had a funny voice.  He even had a cereal (so did Urkel tho) and a cartoon.  It was popular for like 2 years, and somehow that is just enough time to get a big budget hollywood kids film made.

I am more than ok with many properties getting the big screen treatment, but this just seems like it came out of an execs meeting that went something like this:

Exec 1 – “We need a movie. Smurfs was last year and it was dumb but did ok”

Exec 2- ” Derp!”

Exec 1- “Alf! I love it! good work Exec 2. Heres 57 million dollars!”

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