Here’ s another movie that sounds so dumb but so real at the same time. I actually think the basic premise is a bit genius, and I’m ashamed to admit that. It started first as just a basic Kevin James talking animal film but, in a lovely twist of events, became more about the infinite monkey theorem. Enjoy.
A Thousand Monkeys
The film opens with a montage of an older woman doing work one morning around the house. She is doing laundry, which clearly belongs to a male. She is picking up toys around the house. She is cooking a big breakfast where the food is shaped like a smiley face. We see pictures on the wall of a little kid chronicling his history with a silly kids newspaper. The mother calls up to her son, Frank, as the camera zooms up the stair and into a room filled with toys and newspaper stuff (I don’t know what this means, I added the newspaper stuff at the end when I couldn’t think of a wrap up). The camera turns towards the bed and we see Frank, played by Jonah Hill, in a bed way to small for him snoring.
Frank comes down for breakfast. He is babied by his mom and has no job, girlfriend, or direction in life. He goes to a local coffee show where he is clearly in love with the barista Cassidy, played by someone entirely to hot for him like Brooklyn Decker. He attempts flirting but fails miserably after realizing he doesn’t have enough money for coffee. She helps him out. He sits and looks through the wanted ads, his eyes go to a strange ad saying-
“Are you good at keeping secrets? Janitor Wanted”
He goes to a non-descript warehouse where only an intimidating security guard (Michael Clarke Duncan) sits at a lone desk. He looks confused and all of a sudden a scientist, Dr. Steppenwolf, pops up behind him, played by Christopher Lloyd (Or is he too old? Do we have a new Christopher Lloyd type actor? We need a new Christopher Lloyd since Michael Richards will never work again).
“Do you have janitorial experience?”
“Can you keep a secret?”
“Sign this and you’re hired”
He signs the non-disclosure agreement and the floor opens up. It’s a great underground lab. Jonah Hill kills it with some great reaction shots, which get even crazier when he sees all the talking chimps running around. They are really sassy and comically mean to him. Dr. Steppenwolf leads him into a large room where the monkeys sit at typewriters working. He explains that they engineered the chimps to be smart and have been using them to write every famous novel over the last 20 years. They control the publishing industry with some strange reasoning behind it. There are a lot of fun references to recent books, like a stupid monkey writing ‘Twilight.’
He works there and starts to make friends with all the chimps. They hang out and do silly stuff together. They decide to help him with his girl troubles. They write lines for him to woo Cassidy. As it starts to work and he begins to date Cassidy he stops paying attention to them. He pays too much attention to her.
This is when we learn that the government has decided to shut down the program. They will be killing all the monkeys. Frank hears about this and decides to try and free them. The problem is they have to escape the same night as a big date with Cassidy!
Hijinks ensue as they break out of the lab. Michael Clarke Duncan’s character in the confusion of the breakout and big date kidnaps Cassidy. Frank and the monkeys return to the lab and take over. Sending the guard and Dr. Steppenwolf away in a crate to Madagascar or something.
Frank and Cassidy kiss and the monkeys rejoice. We time jump ahead and Frank and the monkeys are running a newspaper out of the lab. It’s a big success! Frank’s mom, played by Betty White by the way, does fun stuff stuff with the monkeys during the credits (dancing, poker, video games, etc.)
When I say monkeys, I of course mean chimps. The title will still say monkeys though. Hollywood is dumb like that.
I knew chimps wrote Twilight, it all makes so much more sense now!
This needs to be made. It sickens me inside and out, but it needs to be made.
Yeah, Russ is right, I really want to see this. The most plausible idea yet. Also, I want to see a chimp wearing a press hat and smoking a cigar, I can’t explain myself…
I love the idea of seeing a one weird chimp sitting by himself, gnawing at his own elbow, smoking Marlboro Reds, drinking Jim Beam and laughing wayoverthetop to himself. You know those lean back and bellow sort of laughs. He scares the shit out of the other chimps.. And he has one of those corduroy jackets with elbow pads on em like no actual professors have. And he has little round Harry Potter glasses. And he’s writing Gravity’s Rainbow.