Another Friday means more fake movies from your friends at MMP! We really look forward to Fridays here, probably because we hope some day someone will read one of these and think, “fuck yeah I’d like to see that!” Then they’d make it and we would talk about it on the podcast. Oh! I guess we could start making movies, but then what would we bitch about all day? I’ll take a stab at an action movie (OR IS IT?) this week with:
(PS This is so fucking long and awful. I apologize infinitely) (PPS I got the title from a random phrase generator because I couldn’t think of anything else and I liked it a whole lot)
We open on a truck driver, Charlie (played by Jeffrey DeMunn) at a rest stop. He’s a regular, he knows the lady behind the counter by name, takes his coffee and heads to his big rig.
We then cut to NYC, Andrew WK’s I Love NYC playing in the background, we have a montage of various locations in the city: people talkin’ in the park, people talkin’ on the street, people talkin’ and walkin’, people talkin’ sittin’ outside at a restaurant, people in Times Square just standing around blocking the fucking sidewalk as though people don’t have to go to work or something and then EXPLOSION!
On the big screen in Times Square we see a terrorist group, mostly in cameo but one of them in a suit. One of them men in cameo, Boris played by Dmitriy Dyuzhev, starts speaking in Russian and the man in the suit, Lev played by Viggo Mortensen (or if he’s not available Hank Azaria) begins to translate. “This is only the beginning. For far too long your imperial ways have forced our hands, but after today no longer. This is only the first bloodshed. We will give you our demands after the third.” And the screen explodes, falling into the crowd.
At the Police department all hell has broken loose and the captain, Captain Frice played by former Green Bay Packers linebacker Reggie McKenzie is fielding questions from all around. Newly promoted Federal agent James Speeder, played by Tom Cavanagh, shuffles into the captain’s office. James has been working out of the NYC branch helping out on cases but now he’s been given orders to send someone to find this truck. James asks for assistance, but there’s not one officer available as the entirety of the department is in disaster recovery mode and trying to stop whatever might happen next.
We cut to a scene of Charlie driving down the interstate, playing some Creedence (he love’s CCR) and singing out loud in a place that is obviously not New York.
We cut back to James who is in the garage, Captain Frice comes to wish him well and see if he has any leads. James says “the road,” Frice chuckles and replies, “go get ’em Speed.” We see James pull back a tarp from over a car revealing a Bugatti Veyron Super Sports (that’s a thing right? I googled “holy grail of fast cars” to find that”).
Meanwhile the terrorists are scheming for what is to happen next. We see, in subtitles, that most of the group are going to continue causing havoc in NY while Boris and Lev try to track down this truck, a truck which is full of crystals, very fragile crystals that when handled properly are beautiful and worth millions, but if mishandled they are highly combustible and explosive.
We cut back to Charlie, singing his heart out to Born to Be Wild.
The song continues to play.
We see James flying down I-95 on a unseasonably clear day going, periodically showing the speedometer rising from 120 to 200.
The song cuts to Rammestein…whatever song.
Lev and Boris are also flying down I-95.
Born to Be Wild comes back on.
It’s a lot of this. The soundtrack will also consist of Crazy Train (Ozzy, for when they have to out run a train), Love Dance (Minutemen, for the silhouette night driving shots), It’s the End of the World As We Know it (REM,which will cut between all three cars with everyone trying to sing, only Charlie and Lev know all the words), Street Fighting Man (Stones), Hey Bulldog (Beatles), Today is the Day (the alternate cut from the EP of the same name by Yo La Tengo), Candle (Sonic Youth), Walkin on Sunshine (Katrina and the Waves), The Road (Tenacious D), Slow Ride (Foghat), Life is a Highway (whatever fucking version), Highway to Hell (AC/DC), Is that You Mo-Dean (B-52s), On the Road Again (Willie Nelson, this is over the credits), Low Rider (War) and Get Out Of My Dreams and Into My Car (Billy Ocean) .
There are beautiful areal shots of the interstate near the ocean, valleys, etc in a similar way that The Straight Story did.
We then cut to James fueling up at a service station, as Lev and Boris pull in. James immediately recognizes them and over hears them looking for a truck. As James walks back to his car he makes eye contact with Lev, and they both pause and then both rush to their cars. Boris hasn’t finished fueling up, but they both jump in the car and drive away as the gas hose is still in the cars tank, when they zip off they rip up a bunch of the fuel stations and knock over the outdoor gas station attendants booth as well as the roof.
The chase begins!
Only they hit stand still traffic immediately. Luckily the interstate going the other direction is clear! They both hop over the in-between and drive down the wrong side of the highway, dodging traffic.
Cops see on the road and start chasing them down the interstate. We go off the interstate and start chasing a train, in a very tense and impactful moment (while Crazy Train is playing obviously), James makes it without a problem, the Russians barely make it and 12 cop cars smash into the side of the train.
The chase continues and they are on an airport landing strip, dodging luggage carts and planes, James drives up one of the star cars and jumps a plane while Lev and Boris are stopped, then shoot a bunch of people and drive around the plane.
We cut back to Charlie singing Leaving on a Jet Plane.
The song continues.
James has a lead on the Russians but they catch up quick and start to fire. James does a full drift swerve around them so that he is now behind them. They try to react the same but flip their car and James takes off. The Russians are still in one piece though. They make a call and sit down, as night falls.
Meanwhile, NYC has been destroyed.
This is when Love Dance plays. James is driving down the interstate, still on the wrong side, but no one is coming so it’s alright.
The Russians are now driving a Jaguar XJ220 (same website as before, searched again though). The sun rises over the horizon.
We see Charlie leaving another rest stop.
James is fast approaching Charlie and in his rear view he can see the Russians, he hits the gas and so do they. Charlie starts listening to Walkin’ On Sunshine.
To his surprise the two cars are on his immediate sides when he looks up.
The song will play to completion.
It’s an old-fashioned road battle with new cars, James does everything he can, swerving around and under the truck, the Russians are using guns. James does not need a gun. They hit James’ gas tank and tires, so he jumps out of the car onto the truck. He shows Charlie his badge and goes into the cargo. He opens the back of the truck, the Russians looking him in the eye, james holding an open box. He dumps the box of crystals on the road. The ones that don’t explode at first ignite when the Russians drive over them. The Russians are catapulted over the truck, Charlie starts to go into cardiac arrest, James jumps back to the front of the truck, grabs the wheel and drifts around the wreckage. He brings the truck to a halt, calls for an ambulance and waits with Charlie.
Charlie is in the ambulance, and he’s doing well. Frice is also there, talking to James. He tells him that the city is in ruins and they need to start rebuilding. James says, “Well then, what are we waiting for, let’s hit the road.”
Tigs, I really enjoyed your personal take on Uwe Boll movies
Hahaha, thanks Pete!
This is an accurate description of our road trip last weekend.