FRIDAY!!! I really do look forward to this, and I wish I could shut up about it. BUT I CANNOT AND WILL NOT. I also wish I could write a shorter treatment at some point, these things go on forever. This week I’m trying my hand at the set up sequel, the one where nothing really happens and it’s obvious a third will be coming since you just watched 2 hours of pointless shit. For your reading pleasure: Hackers 2: Hack the Planet
April 19th 2011. We open following from behind a thirty something, talking on a cell phone, we can here him say, “thirty minutes, be ready.” He then drops the cell phone into a dumpster and continues walking into a warehouse. Inside there is a massive rave with heavy droppin dubstep playing, also an original soundtrack by Death Grips, and the walls are lined with computers. We follow our character to a terminal where we can plainly see he is about to hack into the Sony network and bring it down. The camera whips around and it is Zero Cool himself, Jonny Lee Miller. He hits the enter key, text starts scrolling down the screen, zoom into the computer screen and the text eventually spells out:
H@CK0R5 2; hAcK Th3 PL@N3T;
One week later: We see that Zero Cool is still hanging out with Cereal Killer, Phantom Phreak and Lord Nikon, played by original cast members Matthew Lillard, Renoly Santiago, and Laurence Mason respectively. They live in the same loft together, with a lot of videogame and computer shit lying around. On the Television there are reports that Anonymous has hacked into Sony and stole a bunch of information. The Department of Defense’s head of Cyber Crime is on the television speaking about the attack, it is Kate Libby AKA Acid Burn AKA Angelina Jolie. Phantom Phreak is noticeably upset because they aren’t getting any of the credit for what was done. Zero Cool tells him it’s better this way, no one will be tracking them.
We then see them causing a stir everywhere over the next year and Anonymous always taking the credit for it. Even the locations of where the government thinks the attacks are starting from are way off. Operation BART, Support Occupy Wall Street (there will be some jokes in this one), Operation Mayhem, the Vatican DDoS attack, the four of them organizing and executing it all while taking none of the credit. They are shown just walking down the street, what looks like texting on their cellphones, but in actuality they have a console up and are hacking into various organizations. They always ditch the phones when they are done. Also, every phone is running Android, naturally.
Phantom Phreak has been really annoyed at it all, so he decides to start taking matters into his own hands, and tracks down The Plague, played again by Fisher Stevens (or if he’s not available Hank Azaria), who is in jail. Phantom tells The Plague that he wants to do something that has never been done, he wants to take down Anonymous, cast a light on them all and prove that he is the greatest hacker alive. The Plague tells him he’s an idiot, it cannot be done, and that only a fool would try it… and to count him in.
The two of them start plotting, Phantom gets the Plague a phone in prison and start a whole lot of mayhem, displaying tons of anti Anonymous ads everywhere they can, they hack into the mega screen in Times Square and show an ad of that says something like “Unless Anonymous comes clean in the next day about what they have actually done, we will share all of the information we have on them – The Plague and The Phreak” or something equally stupid.
At the apartment Zero Cool, et al confront The Phantom Phreak asking him what the hell he thinks he’s doing. He says he wants the power and he wants to be recognized, they tell him that he just signed all of their death certificates (Ice Cube should probably be playing in the background during this scene). There’s a knock at the door, tension mounts, and from behind the door we hear Angelina say “Let me the fuck in!” (just that one fuck, because we’re keeping this pg-13). She berates Phantom, she tells him that the only reason they’re not all in jail is because she has been telling the government that it was Anonymous and not them, that they have all gotten sloppy over the years and leave traces, he gets angry and storms off. It is obvious they need to stop him before anything more happens.
The Phantom tells The Plague, and the Plague says the first people they need to expose are Phantoms friends. The next big display they put on immediately outs Jolie as a former hacker and then shows the other three at the raves and in front of their computers hacking away, there are even video clips all without Phantom in them, showing what they had accomplished. Phantom is pleased, until there is an added bumper to the video, showing Phantom screwing up, and proving he is the one leaving traces while the rest of the group have to cover up for him.
When Phantom goes to The Plague he asks what happened. The Plague says , “You got sloppy. Good luck out there.” The Phantom (everyone else keep thinking Billy Zane as well?) runs out, cop cars swarm as he walks down the street, he heads into an alley, and runs to the warehouse where the other 4 currently are. They scream at him again, realize he brought the cops with him and then they all have to run. “Even you Kate?” “Call me Acid Burn.” They make their way to the border or Canada, and hack into some database to modify their photos and clear the passports they have. On the news it appears that The Plague has released a list of everyone in Anonymous and it is making headlines everywhere with the tagline The Plague has just begun.
“Now what do we do?”
“We have to stop this, whatever it may end up being.”
“We’re gonna need all the help we can get.”
“I think I know where to find the perfect team.”
Zero Cool then heads to the anonymous message board and tells them what is happening, asking for help. There are hundreds of replies instantly. He reaches into his bag and pulls out the V mask he’s had all along. There’s a prompt on the screen that reads:
“Press any key to be continued…”
BLACK OUT, dubstep over the credits.
You had me at Hackers 2, and then you had me again at Dubstep over the credits
The acid burn is a fed reveal made me audibly yell oh shit
This is the best line ever
” The Plague tells him he’s an idiot, it cannot be done, and that only a fool would try it… and to count him in.”
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