So I watched Airplane! and Hots Shots Part Deux recently and they just don’t make spoofs like they used to. In fact, they tend to make spoofs like this:
The trailer proclaims that the film is from the makers of Epic Movie, Meet the Spartans, Disaster Movie and Vampires Suck. It says that it has won the Audience Award from Miss Poppers fifth grade class, A gold medal in men’s 100m freestyle, and a Nobel prize in Economics. The trailer ends with the voice over guy saying “Award” then it cuts to Charlie Sheen surrounded by women in Bikinis who says “Winning!”. On to the film.
All the cast is made up of member of Mad TV. Kevin is sleeping holding a snow globe that has a figure of a hula girl in it. He wakes with a start exclaiming “RoseButt” as the snow globe crashes to the floor. His girlfriend Alice comforts him. Kevin says he just had the weirdest dream, he just kept falling asleep in his dreams, Alice asks him what that was like, and Kevin replies that it was confusing the but the action was great. Kevin says he has a confession to make, he has “CancerAIDSLeprosy-” we cut away and it is night “-LazyEyeRestlessLegErectileDysfunctionDiarrheaAndTourettes Shit
Piss”. Alice is crying the whole time and the room is now filled with used tissues. He says he is dying and just wants to ride his sled “RoseButt” one more time. The sled is at his parents’ house in Maine, but they are in L.A., so road trip!
There is a winky product placement scene about their car that they will take on the trip. They immediately get stuck in traffic, but the batmobile pulls up next to them and starts shooting missiles at the
cars in front of them, batman gives them a wave and they are on their way again. They stop at a french restaurant for some food, and the film becomes a silent film (You guys remember the Artist!). The waiter talks to them but his words on the title cards are all in french. The waiter is dressed like a stereotypical frenchman with a beret and striped shirt. He starts hitting them with french bread. Then he farts (as indicated by the title card) and looks sheepish. Then the dog comes in and they all dance for no reason. Then the dog humps Alice’s leg.
They leave still hungry so they steal chocolates from a Forrest Gump looking character sitting on a bench. “I guess you never know what you are going to get” he says and then he falls down for no reason. Back in the car they find an old lady in the back seat (Driving Miss Daisy), they drive her around for a while but she gets too annoying so they throw her out of the car as they are speeding down a highway. They are going so fast that they find themselves part of a Fast and the Furious street race. They win when they speed over train tracks, just barely in front of a speeding train. They then crash into someone’s car, the other guy gets out and says “It’s the sense of touch. In any real city, you walk, you know? You brush past people, people bump into you. In L.A., nobody touches you. We’re always behind this metal and glass. I think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something.“ (word for word from Crash, God that movie was terrible).
Without a car and no money they walk through the woods. They come upon a wizard and a bunch of little people (all the little people are played by actual little people except the only one who talks who is just one his knees, the directors claim they were making a point about not casting actual little people for hobbit roles). The wizard is smoking pot from a pipe because drugs are funny. One of the little people headbutts Kevin in the balls.
They escape and find a Casino. They want to win money so they can continue the trip and come across Tom Cruise and Dustin Hoffman lookalikes. It’s Rain Man, but the twist is Dustin Hoffman is normal but Tom is crazy! He just says “Xenu” over and over again and jumps on every couch he sees. But the crazy Tom is good at counting cards so they start to win a lot of money. They are expected of cheating so they are taken to a mob boss who does a bad Brando impression. Kevin and Alice start pouring their hearts out about Kevin’s sickness. Brando says “I’m going to make you and offer you can’t refuse…. FREE BOAT TICKETS”.
On the boat Kevin and Alice have some romantic episodes, one of which involves Kevin drawing her like one of his French girls (his painting is just a stick figure with boobs). The boat sinks and Alice is on a piece of the boat and Kevin is hanging on the side of it. She talks about how she will never forget him yadda yadda. Kevin points out that there is a lot of room for both of them on the piece of wood, but Alice doesn’t hear him because she is microwaving popcorn (there is a lot of room!). They drift toward some ice with a CG dancing penguin who is quickly eaten by the shark from Jaws.
They both wash up on shore and after a quick Castaway gag (WILSON!!) they come upon a guy with a plane (weirdly the plane is an exact replica of one of the planes in Wings, the first movie to win an Oscar). The guy with the plane is Howard Hughes and he has gross long fingernails that he keeps creepily combing Alice’s hair with. They take his plane and Hughes throws bottles of urine on look alikes of celebrities.
Kevin is finally home and rides his sled down a snowy hill, he passes a guy feeding another guy into a woodchipper and a Wampa. We cut to Kevin in a hospital bed dying. Alice is by his side, and he smiles and dies. An attractive male doctor comes in to check his vital signs and tells Alice that he is gone. Alice walks with the hunky doctor arm and arm down the hospital hallway at which point she says: “I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”
There are some zany blooper during the credits.
I’m going to punch you in the stomach next time I see you.
That’s exactly what I was going for. I’m just pissed I forgot the Chinatown section….
we are so close to this being real i’m scared
I always thought it was spelled Wompa, but you have opened my eyes, Dunn! Excellent work, this is PERFECT