ANDREW DUNN COMING AT YA
This Fake Movie Friday submission was heavily inspired by a conversation I had with Alex, because he probably wasn’t going to use the idea, I figured I’d steal it.
The film opens like the Hangover, with our heroes waking up after what looks like an epic party in their fraternity house. There are beer cans and liquor bottles everywhere and the place is a mess. Our heroes are just archetypes so they don’t really need names. They are: the Jock, Nerd, Nice Guy, and Stoner (Dave Franco plays one of the characters…. probably the Jock). As they are getting up the Stoner notices that he has a Police hat on, he has a moment of panic but then they have a group high five and laugh.
The frat guys are called to the dean’s (played by Nick Offerman) office and get chewed out. The dean says that their frat is by far the worst on campus, and they have to shape up if they don’t want to have the fraternity disbanded. In fact, because of the damage they have done to the house, they have to pay a big fine or they will lose it.
Our heroes do the natural thing in a situation like this, and get fucked up. Keg stands and beer bongs are just what the doctor ordered. The quick montage ends with our boys watching TV at 3:00 AM. The Stoner continues to smoke as they watch some bad reality TV on TLC. It is a show like 18 Kids and counting but with a foster family that has way too many foster children. The show is really exploitive and troubling. The father of the family admits on camera how he really hates kids but they keep getting more government checks the more kids they take it. The Stoner, being a Stoner, suddenly has the best idea in the history of humanity (at least it seems to him it is). He tells his fellow frat brothers that they should foster a child–they are better people than the freaks on the TV, and they would take care of the child better than them, and that sweet government check would pay for the dean’s fine.
The next day the frat guys actually remember what happened the previous night, and start planning to foster a child. They clean up the house a bit and take down their Greek letter off the front of the house. The Nerd figures out a plan that could work. He says that the Nice Guy and the Jock have to pretend that they are gay married. He explains that married couples are much more likely to be given foster children, and a gay couple will be even more likely because the government won’t want to look like they are prejudice. Also, the Nice Guy and the Jock are the most likely to pass as gay as they the best looking guys and they do seem a bit gay (the first of a disturbing amount of gay jokes). The Nerd has been making fake IDs for underaged students and he will forge fake marriage papers.
When everything is set, a representative from the foster agency (Kristen Wiig) checks out the house to see if it is suitable for a foster child. Cue the hilarity when the Jock and Nice Guy have to kiss to prove they are really gay! Because this is a movie, they are pretty much immediately given a foster child.
They are give a precocious little nine year old boy. The kid is sassy and pretty much immediately knows they are full of shit and not an actual family. Our heroes make a deal with the kid that if he doesn’t say anything they will let him do anything he wants, cue hilarious montage of the kid writing on the walls, eating sugar cereal for dinner, and watching Human Centipede.
The next day to celebrate they throw a huge party. Because they aren’t complete fuckups, they don’t allow the kid to drink any alcohol, instead giving him gogo juice (Red Bull mixed with Mountain Dew). There is that weird scene where the kid is hanging out with a bunch of hot women who say they would totally date him if he was older (imagine that scene with the genders switched, *shudder*). The kid plays beer pong (with gogo juice instead of beer of course) and is generally the hit of the party.
A way too drunk guy tries to talk to the kid but throws up next to him. The kid is totally disturbed and suddenly gets really scared and runs off to his room and slams the door. The Nice Guy goes up to console him, and they have a heart to heart where the Nice Guy talks about how his father died when he was young and he couldn’t imagine how the kid must feel considering he doesn’t have any family and is forced to live with random people. The Nice Guy goes on to say that he sees now how bad this idea was and that a bunch of frat guys shouldn’t be taking care of a child. The kid says how much he likes them and that this is the best family he has ever lived in and that he doesn’t want to go back. The Nice Guy says they will talk about it tomorrow.
They don’t get a chance because early the next morning Kristen Wiig is slamming at the door. The Stoner lets her in and he is clearly still high. The place is a mess with random people passed out all over the place. Kristen Wiig explains that she got a call from the dean who said he had heard rumors that the frat had a kid at their party. The kid cries as he is removed from the frat.
Our heroes are really bummed out. The Good Guy gives a rousing speech about how they had fucked up but they should try to make things right. They clean the whole house, kicking out the passed out people (one dude is in the closet). We see them raising money with a car wash, the Jock has a kissing booth, the Nerd sells fake IDs, the Stoner cries as he sells his huge collection of bongs, and the Nice Guy sells his motorcycle. The sequence ends with them replacing the Greek letters in the front of the house, then we see them placing a framed picture of the kid up with the pictures of all the other frat brothers.
The dean creates a trial sort of thing to finally decide if the brothers should lose their fraternity. The dean calls a bunch of witnesses who were at the party proving how irresponsible our boys had been, not only did they break the law by forging the marriage papers to get a foster child, they had endangered that child by exposing him to all manner of lewdness. He goes on to point out that they were already on thin ice before this fiasco and that they had only given a small amount of money to pay down their last fine.
Just as the trial is about to end Kristen Wiig flies into the room followed closely by the child. She says that the jury had to hear the testimony of the child before they make their decision. The dean isn’t happy about the idea but he gives in.
The kids pours his heart out saying how hard his life was and how terrible his foster families had been in the past. The frat guys were the only people who had treated him like a human being and were nice to him. He then explains that the reason they hadn’t paid down their fine was because they had, without telling anyone, started a college fund for him. We see the jury get choked up. After the testimony the jury recommends that the fraternity will remain open, but that they have to do community service. Our heroes are overjoyed.
It is months later and our heroes are playing Mario Kart on their N64 when they hear a knock on their door. It is the kid with his new foster parents, it is clear that this is a frequent occurrence when no one is surprised and the kid immediately joins the game and the Good Guy chit chats with the foster parents. The End.