Our good friend Zach joins us this week. He’s a funny, attractive, and successful comedian. Check out his website http://zachbroussard.com/
Occupy MY HEART Street
By Zach Broussard
Coming to Theaters This Christmas: OCCUPY MY HEART STREET
We open on a series of newscasts about the ongoing financial crisis, raises for bankers and the gridlock in Washington. We see Aimee – a sad 20 something played by KRISTEN STEWART – getting ready for her corporate job as a banker at Globo Bank International.
On Aimee’s walk to the office, she passes through Zuccotti Park, where picketers are starting to gather. It’s late in the summer of 2011, and the Occupy Wall Street movement is growing stronger by the day. As she passes through the park, she gets accosted by a dirty young drifter named Derrick – played by Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Derrick starts to walk with Kristen, telling her about the banks screwing over decent Americans who are just trying to earn a living. She listens patiently and mumbles some bullshit we can’t really understand because she’s Kristen Stewart and that’s sort of why she does. She continues to stumble through some very simple lines until it’s revealed she’s walking into the offices of Globo Bank International, one of the nation’s worst offenders.
“I guess I wasn’t expecting you to be one of them,” says Derrick as she lumbers into the office. He helps her open the front door because she’s too frail and weak. “Maybe I’ll see you around, probably when your bank screws me over or something.”
At this point we follow Aimee and Derrick simultaneously. Derrick slowly becomes a leader in the Occupy movement when he creates the “mic check” system that allows protesters to annoy the cops more efficiently. Aimee keeps getting promoted as her bosses mistake her unclear spats of grumbling as suggestions for the bank.
A few months pass and we see Aimee leaving her fancy new penthouse in downtown New York. She’s doing well. As she walks to work, though, she starts to realize that the city around her isn’t doing so well. There are homeless people everywhere with cups of change. That’s right: Things are so bad in New York that the homeless have resorted to drinking coins.
She decides to pass through Zuccotti Park again, secretly hoping to see Dirty Old Derrick. Unfortunately everyone looks exactly like Derrick from behind, but when she grabs their shoulder to turn them around they’re someone else, and one time it’s just a dog wearing a coat just like Derrick’s. Dejected, she starts to leave the park. But just as that dumb, frail woman is about to leave the park she hears her name being called.*
Derrick walks Aimee to work one last time, and now he really gives her a piece of his mind. Here’s a snippet of the dialogue from the scene:
DERRICK: How can you go to work everyday for these people?
AIMEE: *inaudible mumbling*
DERRICK: Don’t you see, Aimee? The money your making is coming from the money your company is stealing from hardworking families who are losing their homes, their jobs, everything. You should be ashamed of yourself, Aimee.
There’s a dramatic pause, and Aimee knows he’s right. A single tear forms under her left eye (Lopez) and she sighs. She then confesses something she’s never told anyone.
AIMEE: *indauble mumbling*
We cut to Aimee at a board meeting. A senior executive is giving a report called “DOWN WITH THE AMERICAN MIDDLE CLASS, AND UP WITH… YACHTS!” where he’s made a graph showing the decrease in the average wealth of a middle class family coinciding with an increase in the number of yachts he owns. Everyone in the meeting is impressed. Everyone… except Aimee.
But now it’s Aimee’s turn to speak. She walks up to the screen at the top of the boardroom. Her slideshow is loaded and it’s entitled “Buying Politician’s Votes With The Bailout Money They Gave Us!” Aimee start’s to give her prepared speech, but then gets choked up. She decided then and there to start working for the good guys.
She launches into a speech about ethics and about how the American people trusted the banks with their money. She rails on each individual banker about unfair lending practices, excessive bonuses and even about all the whores that they buy using the company’s petty cash. She speaks for nearly an hour, but we don’t have to show the whole thing because we can use a device called the montage (it’ll cut to music over shots of her passionately speaking spliced with the hands of the clock rotating, clockwise). When she finishes speaking, she grabs her things and leaves.
Once she’s gone, everyone in the board room erupt in cheers, because they didn’t understand a single word she said, but they read the slides, which had some pretty good ideas on how to payoff politicians. They all agreed she should be promoted the second she comes back to work.
Moments later in Zuccotti Park, Derrick is leading a discussion about whether or not the Occupy food tent should be allowed to hand out meat. He’s using his patented “mic check” technique to voice his concerns about chicken farms not having air conditioning for the chickens when he’s immediately distracted by Aimee, who enters the back of the group. She’s smiling. He smiles back.
There’s a lull. The entire crowd knows something is definitely up with these two crazy kids. Aimee takes the floor.
“Mic check,” she whispers, but the crowd immediately responds in loud repetition. She continues, hissing and gurgling through a long dramatic speech. We don’t know a single damn thing she’s saying until finally she stops talking and the crowd repeats everything she has said, quite eloquently:
“Derrick, I know I made a bunch of mistakes in my life,” yells the crowd as Derrick looks on. “And working for Globo Bank International is probably the worst one, especially if you don’t count the time I donated $10,000 in support of Prop 8 and also that time I killed a guy. But I’m a different person now. Well I think, and I almost never think… I think it’s all because of you. Derrick, I just quit Globo Bank and I’m joining the movement. I’m joining you. I’m joining… us.”
Derrick starts to wipe tears from his eyes and finally yells across the courtyard, “I’m actually sort of seeing someone right now.” At that very moment a very beautiful woman walks up to Derrick and kisses him on the cheek.
“Sorry, I was just taking a dump,” says Caroline, played by an off the wagon Jenna Jameson.
There’s a solid beat of silence amongst the entire crowd. Caroline thinks it’s about her and chimes in. “Yeah, I’m a beautiful woman that takes dumps, you prudes!”
Suddenly there’s yelling in the distance. It’s the cops. The day is, of course, November 15th, 2011. It’s the day of the raid on Zuccotti Park. The final moments of Occupy MY HEART Street involve slow-motion footage of Aimee, Derrick and Caroline being beaten senseless by NYPD officers, all cinematically set to “Crazy” by Patsy Cline.
BUT THAT’S NOT ALL! After the credits we see a small group gathered at Caroline’s funeral. That’s right! Caroline died during the raid and now Aimee and Derrick and finally be together.
*Her name being called is a mistake in the movie because they never once ask each other’s name.
“I’m sort of seeing someone” killed me. Zach good job getting your Occupy movie in early before the inevitable Hollywood exploitation.
“Aimee keeps getting promoted as her bosses mistake her unclear spats of grumbling as suggestions for the bank” is straight up the funniest thing that has ever been written on this site. Thanks for joining in on the FMF fun Z-man! You always class up the place
Fantastic fake movie friday submission.
Another alternate ending could be Guns N’ Roses November Rain playing during the beatings then segueing beautifully into the funeral scene. It’s a little on the nose though.
why do we not have one from you?!?!
How has there not been a romantic comedy that uses MIC check?
This was so fun. Thanks for having on board guys!