Friday! Which means it’s time for fake movies! This weeks title is from Pete, because Alex didn’t get a title at the show last week. I’ll be honest about three minutes into this I had no idea where to go, soooo ENJOY!
The Hidden Wall
We open on Jim and Kate, along with their children Katherine and JJ (Jim Jr) packing up their apartment in the city. The children are reluctant to leave, as all of their friends are nearby but their parents tell them they’ll still see them and they’ll still be going to the same schools, but they need to move out of the apartment and into a house that is big enough for the four of them.
The beginning starts pretty normally, they move in, the kids aren’t particularly happy with the house but they are getting along. There are scenes of them at school talking with their friends about how lame it is to live in the burbs. The parents are very happy though, they’ve been renovating the house and they love how everything is coming along.
While tearing down some walls one day, Jim drops a mallet or something and accidentally makes a hole in the back wall of the house, that should lead to the outside but instead there is an open space in there. He shows Kate and the kids, the kids think its cool and Kate wonders whats going on. They get the plans for the house and there doesn’t seem to be any mention of this extra room. They measure the outside of the house then measure the inside including this extra space and somehow the measurements don’t add up. (I’ll be moving away from the house of leaves aspect of this story shortly…)
After knocking out the wall the family starts to inspect it seeing nothing crazy out of the ordinary but Jim trips over a loose floor board which reveals a staircase below. The kids are warned to stay upstairs and the adults both go down. It a long walk to the bottom, eventually coming to a study. There are books called things like “Dreams” “Friday” “Box” “Night”, things like that, and one book on the desk that has no title but… (here we go)…. looks like a demented distorted face. The parents go upstairs, the kids are eager to hear what their parents found, but when they tell them it was a bunch of old books they don’t care.
A few nights later Jim can’t sleep and decides to go downstairs to look at the books again. He goes to the name less one and starts to open it when Kate shows up behind him and scares him. They decide to open the book together and try to figure out what it says, and of course they utter the phrase ‘klaatu abrade nikto’ at which point lots of thunder and lightning happens and they hear the sound of someone screaming and falling outside, like they had just been dropped from a great height but not high enough to hurt them (somehow they were able to hear this even though there far down). At this point hands start coming up from the ground trying to grab Jim and Kate, they both make a run for it up the stairs where hands are also coming through the walls trying to grab them and as they make it to the top of the stairs a shadowy figure shows up the stop in their tracks but the floor gives out underneath them and they start to fall but are caught but Ash from the Evil Dead who says something like “Come to poppa”.
He asks them about the book, then scolds them for reading it, and says something like “a distorted, disfigured face on the cover of a book buried hundreds of feet underground wasn’t enough of a warning for you?”
At the bottom of the stairs Evil Ash is sitting at the desk, opening up the other books that let out Freddy, Jason, zombies, Pinhead, pyramid head, Ben Afflect from Mallrats, and other villains.
So the rest of this movie ends up playing out like some weird amalgamation of the goosebumps movie meets stay tuned meets Abbott and Costello meets Frankenstein. They decide they have to run, Ash and the Family and overtime they think they’re safe they end up in some horror movie. They decide there’s a camp a ways a way that should be safe, but nope. They try to get some sleep but nope, they go to a mall but double nope. Ash is of course Ashy the whole time, dropping quips with a very scared family. He knocks out jason long enough to get away, is able to jump into everyones dreams ala the simpsons to stop freddy for the time being, shoots Mallfleck along with all those zombies, tosses pinheads cube into a lake or something, shows pyramid head a copy of Silent Hill Homecoming or that second Silent Hill movie and he cowers away in embarrassment.
Eventually Jim and Kate both get caught and turned, and the kids have to put them down while crying. But then they’re all badass and ready to help ash. There’s a big showdown with Evil Ash, who has the book on him for some reason, the kids get it, they say the words and evil ash is pulled back into the past or whatever happens. Normal Ash is still there, there’s some whole scene about how “I’m not really a parent, I don’t get along with kids” but he eventually lets the come with him as they drive off into the sunset.
We go back to the mall to see a now undead Ben Affleck looking like Evil Ash did carrying a bunch of books with him, opening them up and dropping them on the ground as more movie monsters show up.
We see the title Card again then a stamp comes down on top of it that says Ash & Co. Vs.
I wasn’t sure how far from House of Leaves you were planning on pivoting, but I certainly didn’t expect that far.
Loved where that ended up!