While waiting to go dancing I wrote up this little horror movie. It’s another festive one.
Ring in the New Year with Blood
We open with a montage of news reports about all the horrible things that have happened in 2016. The camera tracks back to reveal that all the images were being played on a TV in a classroom.
I don’t feel like making up names so I’ll be calling the characters by their slasher movie roles. Final Girl is giving the presentation. She had been doing a presentation about current events. She ends her presentation with a series of internet memes about 2016. The teacher compliments her work and asks for questions from the class.
Nerd (Gamergater and Alt-Right douche) starts asking if she had compared things like the number of celebrity deaths over the years to see if it is actually an anomaly, ending with “2016 will be worse than 2017 that’s for sure, after America is great again!” There is a collective groan and someone throws a pencil at him.
After class Final Girl meets up with her boyfriend Rich Kid. Rich Kid asks her if she is excited for the New Years party at his house. His mom is a TV newscaster and is covering the ball dropping in Times Square so he will have the house all to himself. She says she is and is even more excited for 2016 to finally be over.
Rich Kid was planning a blowout party. The house is a huge McMansion and he has stocked it full of alcohol. This is a Cheap Blumhouse type movie so it will only take place in the house for the rest of the runtime.
It’s New Year’s Eve. Rich Kid and Final Girl are setting up for the party. It’s snowing pretty hard. There is a blizzard warning on the news.
It’s the party. Only Nerd, Stoner and Jock were able to make it through the blizzard. Rich Kid is very disappointed. Everyone talks about how 2016 is getting its last revenge.
They are doing their best to have fun. Stoner is smoking. Nerd is mansplaining to Jock that the fact that she is on the field hockey team is actually a form of misandry and is destroying gender roles and civilization itself. Rich Kid is flirting with Final Girl.
The power goes out. Everyone tries to use their cell phones but there is no service and the wifi is down. The candles and flash lights are brought out.
Nerd goes off to see if he can get service anywhere else in the house. After a while a strange noise comes from upstairs. Jock is the only one with the balls to investigate. The rest of the party follow a good bit behind. She opens one of the many bedrooms and is attacked by someone wearing an old man mask. The attacker has an ax and is wearing a jumpsuit with a sash which reads 2016. Jock is decapitated and everyone runs away.
It is chaos. People go in ever direction. There is an insert shot of a vape pen being placed on a table. They regroup. They try to come up with a plan of what to do. Stoner wants to calm down so she walks to the end of the room and picks up her vape pen. She sits in a chair and starts to smoke. She starts freaking out and saying that she can’t move. The killer drugged her drugs. Before anyone can do anything the killer walks into the room. They are holding a champagne bottle and a glass. There is a spike coming out the cork. The bottle is shaken and the cork is popped right into Stoners eye. The killer breaks the glass and begins to stab her to finish her off.
Rich Kid and Final Girl get away and hide. They try to figure out who could be doing this. There is the sound of a snowblower coming from outside. Thinking it could be someone who could help them they run outside.
The snowblower is on and Nerd is wondering around close by it. In unison the two figure out that Nerd has to be the killer.
“Why did you do it Nerd!? You are a sexist racist jerk but a killer?” yells Rich Kid. “Racist, I’m a race realist… killer? What the hell are you talking about? I can get like one bar on my cell out here.” The killer jumps out and says “enjoy the confetti” and throws Nerd into the snowblower.
Final Girl and Rich Kid shrug and run back inside. The killer follows and seemingly kills Rich Kid and knocks out Final Girl.
Final Girl comes to and finds herself tied to the ground underneath a huge chandelier. The killer comes out wearing a baby mask and a sash that now reads 2017. “Just about a minute more for the ball to drop (or close enough anyways),” says the killer. The killer is holding a string which will release the chandelier when it is pulled.
Rich Kid (who of course didn’t really die) comes out to save Final Girl. He has a makeshift weapon. “Why are you doing this. Who are you?” “Rich Kid, you should never have thrown this party. There is nothing to celebrate… you made such a mess of my house…” “Mom?!”
The killer takes off her mask. “Reporting on 2016 was a horror show. So much death and tragedy. There is no reason to imagine it will get any better just because a number changed. You shouldn’t have to live in that world. And as for the public at large, the year had to start with tragedy so everyone will be ready to face the year as realists. Wishful thinking won’t change anything… oh look at the time.”
The killer is about to pull the rope but Rich Kid stabs her just in time and kicks the rope away. He starts to free Final Girl.
Rich Kid looks over to see his mother crawling toward the rope.
She reaches the rope
The camera pans up as Rich Kids Mom slowly bleeds out next to the crushed bodies of the two teenagers.