‘Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter’ comes out in two weeks. I think Seth Grahame-Smith is bullshit. Let’s see how easy it is to write one of these stink burgers. I’m doing no research on this, other than looking up the circumstances of his death, birth year, and wife and children info.
William Taft: Demon Slayer
We open on a woman running through the woods. Its 1857, and she’s being pursued by men with torches. She looks terrified and upon making it to the river we see she is carrying a child. She lays him down in a basket.
“No one will hurt you. My beautiful Tafty.”
She sends him adrift. The men make it to her. Their leader, played by Jason Isaacs, approaches the woman and slaps her across the face. He screams about how they needed the child for some ritual. Everything is ruined and they’ll have to wait 25 years to try again. He starts to act twitchy. We see his body start to transform as he attacks the woman but we cut before we see what he truly is. TITLE CARD
A young man runs through the woods. He looks scared being pursued by a group of other men. He gets cornered at a cliff wall and they surround him. One man steps forward “How dare you lay with my wife? Maybe I’ll cut that face of yours and you won’t be so pretty no more TAFT!” Taft turns around and says “I’m sure you could do a whole manner a cuttin’ on my face, but that wife of yours would still prefer it to yours, at least I’d have an excuse fer being so darn ugly.” Taft is played by Liam Hemsworth, and looks super hot. He beats the crap out of the men and heads home.
At home he finds an older women on the floor (Sally Field) and he helps her up onto the bed. She is clearly sick and tells Taft all about his real past. Finding him in the river, the note attached explaining the evil cult and the death of his mother and father. Taft mourns her and while burying her sees a mysterious figure in the distance. The man is named Berkley, played by Idris Elba, approaches Taft and explains that he’s there to train him to fight the cult. TRAINING MONTAGE!!!!!!!!
Taft begins traveling across the country fighting demons. Stylish fighting and some sexy stuff happen, this portion of the film is extremely unimportant.
After a successful run at a demon hideout Taft and Berkley celebrate since it is Taft’s 25th birthday. Berkley wanders off drunk and is attacked by Jason Isaacs character and killed. Isaacs sends Berkley’s body as a message challenging Taft. Taft tracks the cult down and attacks. He finds they have captured a young women (A lot of my films deal with the kidnapping of women, I choose to ignore this pattern and not read into it. I suggest you do the same).
Jason Isaacs restrains Taft and begins to transform into a demon. The effects are gorgeous. They fight and are both injured. Taft kills Isaacs. He goes to help the women Helen Herron his future wife.
There is a montage of Taft’s accomplishments as he begins to gain more and more weight as time goes on. We cut to his deathbed as he is telling the story to his three children.
“You beat him dad! You stopped the ritual!”
“No son, I didn’t. It’s been growing inside of me. You children must carry on the legacy and rise up to fight the demon inside me.”
Taft explodes with demons flowing from his giant mangled form. The three children get ready to fight.
*The casting of Liam Hemsworth as our fattest president is thanks to my good friend Jenna Clapp’s BS opinion of preferring him to his brother Chris (Thor).