Well this one is a little awkward. We’re all over the place this week, and there are a lot of single person reviews. Sort of a new direction we’re trying. Remember how everyone liked new coke jokes? Then they got old and no one knows what new coke is anymore? It’s kind of like that. Join Peter, Alex, Russ and myself as we expel our anger with The Purge, explore the found footage of found footage horror movies with V/H/S 2, google ourselves with The Internship, and class it up a notch with Much a Do About Nothing. Recorded on June 13th 2013.

Flies Attack

Movie opens with fire trucks speeding through a small town. People are running out of their homes chasing after them. The camera follows to a school burning to the ground. There are only a few students outside as the parents arrive realizing their kids never made it. The camera pans to one student standing stone faced as cops scream around him. TITLE

Cut to a mental institution as the film tells us it is ten years later. A doctor walks in an tells the teen. Micah, that he is proud of him. Micah is quiet and gathers his things to leave. He gets in a car driven by his mother. His mom looks to be afraid of him as they talk. Micah asks how the town feels about him coming back and his mother ignores him.

They pull onto their street to find people picketing. News crews are talking about how Micah is finally returning home from the hospital after being suspected of starting the fire that killed so many children years before. They have to fight through the crowd to get inside.

That night Micah tries to sleep and has a nightmare. He’s a kid again in the basement of the school. There are flies all around him as a unknown man yells something unintelligible brandishing a torch. Micah jumps awake looking afraid. He heads to the old school grounds and meets a girl his age. She seems a bit of as she explains she knows him, knows what he really is, that he didn’t start the fire. Flies start to gather around him a bit and she runs.

He heads home and upon describing her to his mother she gets angry and ignores him. He finds an old yearbook in the attic and flips through it. He finds her picture in it as she was in the same class as him in the school. He flips through the book and finds a picture of the man from his dream. He was the Janitor.

Micah has the same dream again but hears the Janitor screaming about how he needs to stop the sickness. He wakes again with a jolt. He heads to find the girl from the day before. He finds her house but her family is there dead and she is nowhere to be found.

He heads home scared and asks him mom about the janitor from his dreams. She tells him about Mr Graves who went crazy after the fire claiming all these strange things about evil and the plague of flies. Micah gets excited thinking that this means the janitor was the one who started the fire.

Micah wakes again that night to the sound of flies after his dream again where this time he sees the girl. He finds her. She tells him that the Janitor did in fact start the fire. BUT it was because Micah is evil and the flies listen to him. He freaks outs and remembers his power. The flies attack her and she dies. He walks back towards town with the swarm around him. The flies converge on the town.

The end.

I thought we were going to stop doing this to ourselves, but alas here we are. Join Russ, Alex, Peter and myself as we practice our slight of hand with Now You See Me and learn that fear is a choice with After Earth. Recorded on June 4th 2013.

Dee Ay Dee

We start on a montage of a little girl, Rose, and her working class father, Mickey. As she grows up it’s clear she is extremely gifted. Reading everything in the house and spelling things. Her father ignores het talent as she grows up. She wins a few spelling bees as a kid in school and gets invited to nationals. Her father still doesn’t seem to care but agrees to take her.

Mickey heads to work at the coal mines and is the butt of the other worker’s jokes. Mickey doesn’t say much and keeps to himself. In the car heading to the city Rose is clearly excited, as they’ve never traveled anywhere. Still Mickey stays as stoic as always.

They arrive at the hotel that is hosting the bee and it’s a big thing. They check in and Mickey needs to wear a badge with his daughters name on it though it took a lot of convincing from Rose. They are told to head to the ballroom for a welcome lunch. Once inside Rose is elated by the food and her surroundings. She wants to run off and talk to everyone but Mickey won’t get up. He gets himself a simple plate from the buffet and eats a small amount. Other parents have grouped up and are talking loudly.

Mickey takes Rose to get their stuff into their room and she doesn’t want to go. Mickey doesn’t care and they start to leave. A news crew looking to interview contestants stops the two of them. Rose wants to stop and chat but Mickey pulls her away.

Up in the room she is angry with him for not letting her enjoy herself. He explains that they aren’t flashy people and that she should not let herself think she is better that what she is. She screams she is better and locks herself in the bathroom.

The next day they are separated as she meets the other contestants. He is sent to the parent’s room. There he is bombarded by questions from other parents. He meets neurotic and overbearing parents, rich and dismissive parents, and fancy private tutors. They all laugh as he explains he works in a mine and has never sought extra help for Rose.

In the Bee Rose starts to do well and advances. The parents pay more and more attention to Mickey as their numbers dwindle. He doesn’t seem to watch any of the competition and this baffles them. He watches as parents freak out when their children get things wrong. Rose makes it to the final five. He still doesn’t pay attention to the screens.

She gets a word wrong and is eliminated. He simple gets up and heads to get her. They get in the car and head back home. She is clearly saddened in the car. He simply tells her that she did well. She rolls her eyes, as she doesn’t believe he is genuine. He tells her that isn’t true as they pull into the driveway. She heads inside.

He walks down a small path away from the house and comes upon a grave. It is Rose’s mom. In the Oscar baiting moment for the older actor who plays Mickey, he breaks down crying at the grave. He tells his wife all about how amazing and smart their daughter is. How proud he was of her and how ashamed he is that he doesn’t know how to tell her. He tells her that he misses her and wishes she were still there to watch Rose grow up and help him be a better man yadda yadda yadda.

He turns and finds Rose watching him. She runs up to him and hugs him. They walk hand in hand back towards the house. Mickey tells Rose that her mom would be proud of her. She tells him that her mom would be proud of him too.

The End.

On Open Water

Chris rolls into a tiny fishing village in Maine. He heads into a bar filled with the locals. A few drunks try and start some shit with him. He fights them off and this is pretty much the beginning of Star Trek.

An older captain approaches him and they talk. Captain Riggs can tell Chris is running from something. He sees it in him but needs another strong body for his boat. They are going off for a two-week fishing trip. He heads out with them and finds a few of the men from the fight are also on the boat.

He has a tough first few days. He gets hurt a few times and isn’t getting along with the rest of the crew. One night he sees something in the water but he isn’t sure what it was, though it looks like a woman. Captain Riggs invited him up to the word that means where the captain steers the boat for a drink. Riggs presses Chris for more information about his past. Chris is hush and looking out the window sees something in the water again. This time it appears to be a young boy.

He retreats below deck as the men are trading stories about the sea. Chris tries to sneak in a question about mermaids and he laughs. The men get serious and tell about how mermaids aren’t to be joked about. They may be real, none of them are real sure, what they do know is that those that see them should be worried. They appear to those who have done great wrong.

That night the sea is rough and Chris is out trying to keep the ship safe with some of the other crew. He sees the woman and child together in the water and looks terrified as he gets a better look at them. Captain Riggs catches him looking out into the water and comes to talk to him in the morning.

Riggs is worried about the weather and how some things have been going wrong. He also tells Chris how the other men have been worried about him acting strange. Riggs brings up the mermaids and Chris tries to ignore him. He says they don’t need Chris’ bad history with them on the boat.

The weather continues to be a problem and Chris is knocked out. He wakes up on deck tied up in the night. Riggs and the others are standing around him. Riggs says that they know he has been seeing the mermaids. They know it is Chris’ fault that they haven’t caught much and the weather has been awful. They pick him up and throw him over board.

Chris struggles in the water. He turns and sees the woman and child holding hands floating next to him. He relaxes a bit looking sad. The child gets up close to him and we hear the child’s voice say “Dad.” They pull him down into the dark.

The End

Here it is! The one you’ve been waiting for! Well, the one we’ve been waiting for. Even though Alex didn’t like it as much. What a jerk. Join Alex, Russ, Pete and myself as we gush over Fast and Furious 6, have a light hearted look at Star Trek: Into Darkness, and take a brief respite to talk about Before Midnight and Frances Ha. Recorded on May 29th 2013.

Vin Diesel Flying Through The Air

We open on Brad, a young student sitting in class. The teacher is going on about the American Revolution. Brad starts to daydream about him and George Washington riding across a field to a line of British Soldiers. George Washington pops on sunglasses and says, “let’s do this.” They take out AKs and start shooting.

The bell rings and Brad wakes up and heads out of class. He heads home and his parents are waiting for him in the kitchen. They tell him to sit down and start to talk to him before a bright light fills the room. Brad walks over to the window, seeing the bat symbol in the sky. He turns back dressed as Batman and says, “the night needs me.” His father yells his name and he snaps awake.

They explain that his grades are getting worse and they are worried about him and how he is constantly daydreaming. They bring him to a drug company where they signed him up for a new experimental treatment. While there he is under he imagines he is Frankenstein’s monster. He wakes up to his parents in the room and floating over their heads is Vin Diesel.

Brad laughs and says he must still be asleep and his parents look worried as Vin Diesel flies out the window and up into the air. He turns back and there is a duck standing on his father’s head. Brad starts to get worried and tries to explain what is happening. His daydreams are constant. They say he is probably just a little messed up from the treatment and they head home.

Back there he continues to see things everywhere and that night Vin Diesel is over his bed floating around. Brad says that he is not real tells him to go away. Vin Diesel flies off and crashes through the window. His parents walk in and find the window smashed. He tries to tell them what happened but the of course do not believe him.

The next day more of his daydreams start effecting real life. Flying monkeys cause car crashes, the parking meters come alive and spit quarters at people, etc. Things get crazier and crazier as the town goes into a panic. Vin Diesel returns and taunts Brad. The two start to battle with their minds until Brad defeats him and the daydreams start to disappear.

Brad walks away from the town more confident and put together than before. The camera pans back and we see Vin Diesel floating along seemingly dead. The camera zooms in onto his face and his eye opens.

The End

Anonymous

Our main character Rick, 20-something, works in the bursar’s office at a small college. He’s down on his luck and hates his job. Quick montage of kids coming to hisdesk to inquire about their tuition bill and complaining. The last person is a pretty girl name Jess who makes monthly payments in cash from her waitressing job and we see the chemistry between the two. He comes home one night and his girlfriend Diane, who he lives with, is mad at him. They fight about a few things and she storms off, they are both clearly unhappy.

He finds a letter on the table. It’s from a lawyer requesting his presence at a will reading. Rick has nothing going on and decides to show up. His long lost uncle died and was filthy rich. He has given all his fortune to Rick. Rick freaks out and decides to take his newfound wealth in strides. He heads home to find that Diane has moved out. At work the next day Jess comes in again looking tired and worn out. They flirt a bit and when she leaves he gets an idea. He heads to the bank and takes out money to pay for her school.

The story of the anonymous donation to her tuition spreads around campus. Other head to the office to see if they were given money and Rick starts keeping track of their stories. Those students who he feels for he takes money out and pays for school. He becomes known as the only person who is aware of the identity of the donor.

Him and Jess start to hang out and things are going great. A reporter who is covering the story stumbles onto the millions Rick inherited and puts it all together. Students start flocking to Rick as he heads to work begging him to help pay for their tuition. Rick pushes by them and is fired when he gets inside. Once outside he runs into Jess who is mad at him. She feels he led her on and was trying to buy her feelings.

He heads home upset to find Diane there trying to get him back now that he is rich. He sends her off and starts to sulk about Jess. He heads to the diner where she works and they talk. He wonders why she still takes all the shit from the manager now that her school is all paid for and doesn’t look for something better. She says her mom used to own a place like this and she feels home in a crappy diner.

She asks him why he didn’t leave his job when he got rich. He tells her that he wouldn’t get to talk to her if he did. The manager walks over and starts screaming at her. Rick stops him and offers 100 grand for the place and he promptly accepts. Jess looks angry and says that she doesn’t need him to buy everything for her. He jokes that she’ll have to re-interview for the position and he is not sure if she’ll get it.

They kiss and the camera pans around them and cuts to the two of them working the diner together though it is now much nicer. There are newspapers on the wall about free nights for homeless and how they occasionally give free meals to families. Finally a wedding photo is seen on the wall of the two of them.

The end.

The Picnic Table

There is a school official speaking to two parents. She, Mrs Appleby, is the head of a near by all female boarding school in South Dakota and is telling the parents not to worry. Their daughter, Sara, has been in trouble a lot recently at her public school and this is the best way to go. That Joan Lindsay Boarding School is the best in the country, their graduates go on to do great things and to trust her. The conversation is being interspersed with shots of Sara in her room packing. She thinks about jumping out the windows and running away but sees the school van outside with a driver still there. She has to leave everything that can be used to contact anyone else behind, her computer, phone, the only thing electronic she can take with her is her watch. Everything else will be provided for her. Sara comes down the stairs with a suitcase, looks at her parents who get up to come and say goodbye to her, but Sara just walks out the door. Mrs Appleby follows her and they ride in the school van to a remote boarding school, surrounded by beautiful nothingness.

Sara arrives and meets her roommate Edith, a quiet girl who is happy to have a roommate. She takes to Sara quickly, though Sara is in no mood. Edith shows Sara around the grounds, the cafeteria, the laundromat, where all of the classrooms are, warns her about Appleby and her nature to drink and become aggressively angry. She shows Sara a few of the teachers rooms as well: Mrs McCaw, the mathematics teacher whom all of the ‘inmates,’ as they refer to themselves, love, Miss Portiers, the most recent addition to the school, a spanish teacher and gorgeous by model standards, and Miss Lumier, the suck up to Appleby and history teacher. Edith introduces Sara to a few of the other students as well, Marion, Irma and Miranda, who Sara immediately becomes infatuated with.

Sara starts to follow Miranda around, draws pictures of her, writes about her in her journal, she even tells Edith about it. Edith is jealous of the relationship that Sara wants to have with Miranda, but doesn’t have any feels like that for Sara. She just wants someone to want to be around her all the time, regardless of who it is.

As the semester rolls on Mrs McCaw and Miss Portiers decided to take a few of the students with the best grades, which happen to be Edith, Miranda, Marion and Irma, on a trip out for a nice lunch at the picnic grounds near the Weir Rocks. When they arrive Mrs McCaw sees that her watch has stopped at exactly noon, and the rest of the group notices the same thing on their watches. They sit at the picnic table there and eat lunch when the girls decide they want to climb around on the rocks. They lay on top of the rocks bathing in the sun and fall asleep. When they wake up the all, except Edith who is still asleep, seem to be sleepwalking to a cavernesque formation in the rocks they hadn’t noticed before. Edith wakes just in time to see them disappear and starts to shout at them. She runs down to get the teachers and tells them what happened. They all go up searching for the girls but can no longer find the entrance to the cave Edith had been talking about, and there is no sign of the girls either. They split up to look around the grounds, and at the end of everything only Edith and Miss Portiers return.

They head back to the school late and there is much commotion about what has happened over the next few weeks. The police are involved but find nothing at the rocks and there is no foul play suspected. There is a massive investigation and people in nearby communities are in an outrage. No one can comprehend what has happened and the mystery surrounding it has people talking in the supernatural.

Mrs Appleby starts to drink more and more, and is seen at all times of the day to be a belligerent drunk.

Edith hasn’t said a word in days, Sara is distraught and is trying to get Edith to say something. Edith wakes up in the middle of the night screaming on a daily basis. There is a memorial at the school that neither Edith nor Sara attend because neither one feels the girls are dead.

At Mrs Appleby’s request Miss Lumier heads to the rocks to check it out one night when all of the police have left for the day. She inspects everything she can but finds nothing before slipping and falling off of the tallest rock, hitting her head on the way down. She is discovered the next morning by the police. The townspeople are even more furious with the school now and Mrs Appleby is now public enemy number one to any and all locals.

Edith has to be taken to a mental hospital and Sara is left alone at the school. She is overly disobedient and Mrs Appleby has had enough with her. Mrs Appleby calls Sara to her office one night telling her that her parents have not paid the tuition for this semester and she will have to leave. They have tried to contact them but there has been no luck. They have tried every number and have even called extended family, none of whom answer. Appleby tells Sara to pack her bags as she is being transferred to a military academy in the morning.

When Miss Lumier comes to talk to Mrs Appleby about Sara’s recent troubles at school and her parents not paying tuition, Appleby tells her that she took care of it and that Sara has already left the school and went to her grandparents. That she was picked up earlier in the night and won’t be causing them trouble anymore.

The next morning Sara is discovered murdered in her dormitory and Mrs Appleby is nowhere to be found. The school van is tipped over and crashed in a near by river, but no bodies were found int he wreck or nearby.

THE END

Yeah, that was just Picnic At Hanging Rock. Sort of.

Holy calamity! We have a LIVE IMPROV show at LIC’s The Creek and the Cave in an hour! So what am I doing here? Well getting you the latest hotness from us, the Movie Movie Podcast crew! Join Alex, Russ, Peter and myself as we toss our shirts at The Great Gatsby and play detective with Iron Man 3. Recorded on May 14th 2013.

Bless Their Hearts

Brad lays a top his car at night, he is wearing headphones and the song is the only thing we hear. Then a woman’s voice is faintly heard screaming, “help me.” He takes out his headphones and looks around.

A few people come around and scare him. The camera pulls back and his car is overlooking a field. Down below there is a bonfire and a lot of cars around it. The people who scared him talk about the football party below and how lame it is. They talk about how Brad used to play football but quit when he got sick. He brushes it off and his friend’s head out as the party below dies down.

The party below dies down and he is standing there alone. He shuts the lights off in the car and takes a deep breath and runs toward the cliff. He flies away laughing. Credits roll and end with Brad coming to school the next day. Voice over talks about how Brad had a heart problem and was lucky enough to get a transplant. Afterwards he discovered he could fly. He hasn’t told anyone about it. He can’t explain it, but when he flies he feels his heart pumping faster than it should.

He stops looking worried as he once again hears the woman’s voice faintly crying for help. He turns and sees a teacher leading a young man around the hall pointing things out. Brad’s heart starts pumping fast and he looks worried. The other boy looks up holding his chest. He asks the teacher where the bathroom is and runs off.

Outside of school Brad waits for the new kid. He pulls his car up to the curb and tells him to get in. We cut to the field from earlier and the two talk. The other boy, Scott, tells about how he felt his heart beating quickly when he saw Brad just like when he does it. Brad asks if he can fly and Scott laughs. He turns around and picks up Brads car over his head. They realize they both had transplants.

Brad shows him how he can fly and when he lands he notice his car rolling away towards the cliff. He reaches out and grabs for it and crushes the bumper in his hand. He is shocked because he never had strength. He turns to look at Scott who is flying a few feet off the ground. Scott flies off into the distance but starts to drop out of the sky and Brad takes off after him. When he gets closer Scott can fly again. They figure out they only share powers if they are close. They both freeze as their hearts start beating faster and we hear the woman’s voice much louder this time screaming for help.

They look at each other as they figure out they’ve both heard her recently, ever since Scott got back into town, since his surgery. They decide to look further into their transplant. Down at the hospital where they were born they find their way to the basement. They meet and old guard who tells them about that night. There was a great storm and three people where in a car struck by lightning they were brought to the hospital and later died and the three hearts were given to two young men and a girl. Brad and Scott look at each other with the news of a third person.

They find some details about the other girl and track down her parents. They claim that she went off to some special school. She complained about hearing voices. She was sent away but had died the previous year. Brad and Scott find details about the school and head that way. As they get closer the girls voice gets louder. Brad and Scott start being able to hear each other’s thoughts. They get closer and Brad thinks, “we are coming to get you.” The two hear back “it’s about time.” They drive closer to the school and are immediately fired upon.

They ditch the car and fly in. they start fighting off the guards around the compound. They are surrounded and an older man walks towards them and says that they won’t get to her. In their heads they hear “holy crap this feels good.” Brad says we don’t have to get to her, only near hear. The ground shakes and out explodes the girl. She says hello to the two and says her name is Becka. The three explode into the air. The older man steps forward and says “This isn’t over, they don’t know the half of it.”

The three fly together. Becka turns and smiles at them both and flies ahead. The two guys catch each other smiling at her and thinking, “She’s amazing.” They give each other strange looks and fly off after her.

To be continued…

I may write the sequel based on the second book where there may be a love triangle

Right now, Marvel’s biggest problem is that Robert Downey Jr is out of contract.  Iron Man 3 was the last film he was contractually obligated to make, and he was the only one who ever got paid what he was worth.  There has been talk that Iron Man can be replaced with a different actor, but would Marvel REALLY want to test those waters?  Iron Man’s success and Downey’s portrayal is what ties the Avengers films together.  Without him, you have a problem.  So now Marvel has to renegotiate with Downey Jr., but he’s also planning on playing hardball for the rest of the heroes.  Chris Hemsworth and Scarlet Johannson are both said to be chapped over their awful contracts in their previous films and no longer want to work for nothing for a film that will make over one billion dollars.  Neither currently has a contract for Avengers 2, and rumor has it that Marvel would consider either getting other actors or just inserting other characters if need be to replace them.  I get that on paper.  Comics are a revolving door of characters.  They come in and out with little explanation, because certain writers like certain characters.  Thus the absence of any character could be explained away in two seconds: “Oh Thor, he’s up in Asgard protecting the realm.”  See? It’s that easy.  There is already talk of including Quicksilver, Scarlet Witch, Ms. Marvel, Black Panther, and Iron Patriot in the next film.  All really cool characters yes, but not at the expense of the ones we already have.

My advice to Marvel: Just pay up already.  You were fortunate enough to make an awful lot of money, without having to pay much for the work, but in doing that, you built careers.  Chris Hemsworth IS Thor.  That and women, namely my girlfriend love him.  Don’t upset the apple cart so early.   No, I am not saying that you’ll have to pay them Downey Jr. money ($50 million), but a decent salary, or a backend of the gross would be fair.  With a backend you can worry about paying them after the movie has cleaned up at the box office.  The films are universally beloved, and make you more money than you ever had as a company simply printing comic books.  The frugal nature of Marvel, and Disney for that matter with actors has allowed them to make some great movies, but when the only people getting paid are Johnny Depp, and Robert Downey Jr.  that is a problem.  If this contract dispute becomes more public than it already has, it will not go well for Marvel and Disney.  I, like many other comic book film fans, want to see as many of the characters I’ve grown up with on screen as possible.  Not less.  If I find out Thor isn’t in Avengers 2 because he couldn’t get one million dollars, I’ll lose my ever-loving mind.

The summer movie season is finally upon us! In spring! Long lines, long movies and lots to bitch about!  Join Peter, Alex, Russ and myself as we dig deeper into Oblivion and get down and dirty with Pain and Gain. Recorded on May 1 2013.

But I’m still insanely sick, over tired, in Chicago and pissed off at the Knicks. So I’m taking this week off. The crown is yours, Pete. Wear it well.

20 Something Brunette

Movie opens with a girl behind a starbucks counter getting yelled at. She stars blankly at the customer complaining and her phone buzzes. She checks it and it is her agent. He says she got a call back for a role. She tosses her apron at the customer and runs out happy. Jump cut to her tied up in a basement screaming.

A tired looking cop, Jones, stands over her naked and withered body that was found in an alley. He looks her over for any clues but finds nothing. A medical examiner there says he isn’t quite sure what happened, it looks like the moisture has been sucked from her body. Jones leaves confused with little to go on.

He heads home and is greeted by his younger sister Emily, who just moved to the city to act. He is looking over the file on the dead girl. Emily comments that she is her body type, and it’s nice to not have the competition for roles. He laughs and goes back to his work. Looking thorugh the database he finds a young aspiring actress died in this fashion 3 months ago, and three months before that. They were all in their twenties and their body type was similar.

He interviews the agents about their career or lack there of. Both agents said they were sure the women would make it, as the scene cuts back and forth between the 2 agents saying similar things. They both were out on a call back for a role that called for a younger looking Rachel Hemmingway.

Jones goes to visit Ms. Hemmingway. She is famous but the news lately has been talk about how she is getting too old for some parts. Jones doesn’t get much from her but he comments that she looks really young. She takes the compliment strangely.

A few months go by and Jones is getting nowhere with the case. He is watching the calendar for 3 months to be up and worried another murder will happen. He is working long hours driving himself crazy. He checks his voicemail and it is from his sister. She says she has a call back for a role. It has the same description of a younger Rachel Hemmingway.

Jones jumps out of his chair and races out the precinct. He is frantically calling his sister but she isn’t picking up. He calls her agent and gets the address. He gets there but the place is empty. On a hunch he drives over to Rachel’s place and finds the door unlocked. He hears something coming from the basement and barges down there.

Rachel is in robes reading from a strange book with Emily strung up on the wall. It seems like the life force is transfering bodies. Jones shoots and Rachel transforms into a horrible monster. They fight through out the house until he wins. He gets down into the basement to find Emily. She looks at least 10 years older. She jokes about being her older sister now. He takes her out of there as the cops arrive.

Cut to Emily at home checking her messages. Her agent says that no one is booking her because she looks too old. She walks into her room, opens the closet and we see Rachel’s book. Camera pans to her face as she cracks an evil looking smile.

The End.

Werner Herzog and the Time He Saved the Universe

We open on the BBC interview Werner Herzog gave in 2006, during which he was shot, but continued the interview as if nothing happened. He jokes about it in the interview, and regards the whole thing as insignificant. He lifts up his shirt to show the bullet hole and the camera goes straight into the hole, eventually stopping at the bullet, which is actually a shrunken alien drone ship. The ship starts to open up and takes hold of Herzog’s nervous system. At this point Herzog is home and a blank, drooling stare washes across his face. The drone takes control of Herzog’s mind and starts to talk to him, sounding strangely like the female voice that speaks the directions in most GPS’.

The drone starts telling Herzog what to do, what movies to make, what to say in interviews. People start to question whether he is losing his mind or if he is sick or something. He has brief moments of lucidity, but the never last long enough for him to figure out what’s going on. However he does start taking notes, and starts a camera rolling every time he has one of these moments.

Eventually, when watching the film reel and studying his behavior he comes to the conclusion that it all must be linked to the bullet that is still in his system. The next time he comes to he grabs a knife, and performs self surgery, eventually removing the bullet which now resembles some glowing orb with probes coming out of it in a multitude of directions. As he is staring at it, it starts to flash and glow brighter, and doesn’t let up like it’s broken. He sets the camera up to watch it and after many days of filming and researching, he comes to the conclusion that they haven’t realized he has taken the device out of himself. He paces nervously wondering what will happen if they ever do find out, but eventually is able to calm himself and get some rest.

One night, while asleep, his home starts to rumble. Herzog wakes up and jumps out of bed, and goes underneath a door frame believing this to be an earthquake. A bright light showers the house and the roof is ripped off, revealing a giant alien ship hovering above. He is abducted and taken into the ship. Before, they bring him all the way inside of the ship they outfit him with a suit, that looks similar to the drone, so that he can survive in the ship. As he arrives on the ship there are many military looking aliens with weapons as well as scientists and political officials. They are all addressing him familiarly which leads him to believe they still don’t know he removed the mind control drone. He plays along with them and eventually uncovers the plot to take over earth. Still playing dumb, they are taking Herzog around the ship, where they eventually show a shooting/training range for the alien army, as well as a number of suits that they are going to be using to travel to earth.

Herzog finds out that the aliens have lost their planet to pollution and are looking for a new place to settle, they have a giant ship which houses all of the remaining population. Feeling bad for them at first, he then discovers the tyrannical and hyper ideological nature of the species, and realizes that they can never come to any sort of diplomatic understanding. They want him to be the first human as part of their race and to begin the war on man kind.  Still believing him to be under mind control they give Herzog a gun and take him to the range, where he practices for a bit before turning and opening fire on the aliens.

The rest of the movie resembles Lockout, but with Werner Herzog instead of Guy Pierce and he doesn’t have to save the presidents daughter. He’s running through corridors, blasting every alien he comes across and shouting lines from his movies such as:

“I’ll kill all of you. To the break of dawn. To the break of dawn, baby”

“I believe I need a steak”

“Well I hate to say this, but you aliens all suck” (that’s a modified line)

“Only dead people are heroes”

“Now there is something to extinguish again”

“There are things more horrible than death”

He hides in a ventilation system as the aliens look for him and he discovers what appears to be the source of power for the ship. At which point he is captured. When taking him to a jail cell Herzog says, “The bears couldn’t get me, what makes you think you can?” At which point he takes control over the aliens gun and shoots the jailers. He picks up a pulse grenade and moves to the core. He goes to the source of power and as he looks at it he says, “When we behave nobody cares. But when we are bad, nobody forgets.” He reaches in and pull out a blue glowing orb that starts to accelerate, then burn his hands despite the suit, and then shatter and explode. The ship is completely destroyed and the final shot of the movie is a unconscience Werner Herzog floating through space in the suit with a smile on his face.

THE END

COLM’S POST CREDITS SCENE!

Werner Herzog is on the set of Jack Reacher, telling the true story to to Tom Cruise. We fade in from black to Herzog saying, “And that’s why I no longer have any fingers.”

Cruise then responds, “Ha, yeah right. Not even I would believe that.”

Herzog looks at the camera and shrugs.

Bonus Year

Movie opens up at a New Year’s Eve party. Alone in the corner sits our main character Dave scribbling in a notebook. Everyone around him is having a good time but he keeps writing and reading. Up walks a friend of his, Chris, who questions him about the book. It’s been a diary of every day of the year. Dave says it’s been a shitty year and this book sums up all his mistakes. A girl pulls Chris away as the party starts counting down. As the clock hits midnight and 2014 begins Dave tosses the book off the balcony.

He wakes up the next day and the book his on his nightstand. He doesn’t seem to notice it and goes about his day. After he showers he sits down and flips on the news. He gets a phone call from someone yelling at him. He is confused because it’s his old boss who fired him in July saying that he is late for work. He tries to explain that he was fired and his boss yells at him some more. On the news he notices they are talking about how it is January 1st 2013.

He runs out and heads to work. He is confused but goes throughout his day. He starts to remember bits about this day from last year. He gets home that night and notices the book on his nightstand. It is still filled with his entries from each day of 2013. He heads out to look for Chris. He tries to explain it but Chris laughs at him. He tells Chris that tomorrow he will be getting a promotion.

The following day Chris gets the promotion and starts to believe Dave. Dave explains to Chris that 2013 was actually an awful year for him and he doesn’t want to relive it. Chris tells him that with the book he can make it better.

We see him start to go through the year and work is getting better. He’s been promoted. He avoided getting into a car accident, his fault, which totaled his car. He is able to visit his father before he dies. He skips the place where he gets food poisoning and sick for a week. His life his going better but he’s not quite happy. Then he meets Claire.

He starts to see her and things go well. He’s really happy and leaves the book at home. The relationship takes a bad turn as he makes a mistake one night. He runs home to the book but the pages are blank. He freaks out, as he has to try and solve his problems without it. He ends up losing his job. He forgets his mom’s birthday. He gets in a different car accident. Chris is talking to him about everything and Dave says that the pages of the book are returning and they don’t look good. Chris yells at him and says that he needs to take responsibility for his own shit.

New Year’s Eve is coming and he reads from the book. The page for December 31st is blank as he remembers he never wrote in it that night. He calls Claire and tells her she is sorry and really wants to see her that night at the party. He stands waiting at the party and she texts him Happy New Year but she can’t. He tosses the book off the balcony again as the clock hits midnight.

He wakes up and goes on with his day. He gets the call again from his boss as the news says it is 2013. He tells his boss to go fuck himself. Tosses the book out the window and goes to find Claire, trying the year again.

The White Wolf
One of Dunn’s more recent efforts turns out to be one of his best. If you are intelligent you thought Brave was a let down. Read this instead.

Cherry Goo-Goo
Dunn is a weird dude.

Law of the Jungle
He is also an action genius

The Clock
Ashely Carter is a crazy person. Don’t let her cute little girl frame deceive you. When she turns full evil, don’t worry I am prepared to fight her.

Super Mario Bros
Michael Stevens approaches writing a FmF from all sides. Try and keep up with the world he creates

The Dinosaurs are Extinct and So is Love
Lisa LoFaso joined us for 2 films. Check out her first about gender, love, society, and dinosaurs

Occupy My Heart Strings
Our Pig Pile pal Zach Broussard joined us one week for this delightful tale of love in a hopeless place: Occupy Wall Street.

Crispus Attucks Troll Hunter
Our former coach and always mentor Tarik Davis sent us this trailer. Watch it or be forever less of a person.

Shattered
Last but not least, Mr. ALex Koveos, a.k.a the Illusive Man, a.k.a Cheryl Crow. Alex popped in one week to deliver this thriller. Read it and tell him you like him, he needs it.

Charlie falls
Russ’ Fake Movie Friday journey started with this indie coming of age film. Russ is the best at really dissecting a genre and pointing out everything wrong with it.

Family Ink
What makes a FmF like this one, and most Russ films, great is that there are amazing cliche story beats filled with absolute shit. Give this a read if you like family drama and competitive tattooing.

Kiss Cam
This is the best romantic comedy ever made. Hands down.

Grand Pliè
Ballet + Oliver Twist = Gold

Bodega Catz
Far and away Russ’ best FmF. Sometimes the best films come from genres that you have no business writing about.

Juror #7
Tigs had been carrying this idea around for a few years actually. What happens if you frame someone for a crime you committed and were then appointed on the jury to convict him? WHAT WOULD HAPPEN!

Pill Poppin Walkers
Tigs writes two types of movies. One in which the main character turns out to be multiple people or turn into someone. Or one where everyone abruptly dies. It works every time. Here is one where everyone dies.

KGBEE: The Sting Operation
This movie is so adorable and filled with non-obnoxious puns. If I enjoyed puns, you know it’s good.

Hackers 2: Hack the Planet
A sequel to the cult classic (?) Hackers where you can so vividly picture each and every scene. It’s really fantastic if you remember the original film. It is probably unreadable if you don’t.

Where’s Waldo
Read this. It has the most brilliant ending of any Fake Movie Friday out there.

Here’s where it all started

Last Bouquet
A heartwarming romantic comedy about a girl who wants a husband. You know, a romantic comedy.

A Thousand Monkeys
This is one of my favorites. It’s about a guy who gets a job cleaning a laboratory where monkeys write novels.

Burger Time
I wrote a film adaptation of the old nintendo game.

Helios
Here is my prequel to the Pitch Black universe I wrote after Prometheus sucked

Little Sister
I was looking through my list of movies and this one jumped out at me. I think its my best horror film.

Finally what would this list be without the William Taft Trilogy. I’m so strangely proud of these.
William Taft Demon Slayer
Children of Taft
Legacy of Taft

I’ll be back tomorrow to share the best of Tigs!

Cauliflower Revisited

Movie opens on a child on a bus staring over a seat. His mother pulls him down and tells him to stop staring. He sits back as the camera pans over the seat and past a cauliflower eared man. The woman apologizes for her son and says, “Wait aren’t you William? Tom and Cindy’s kid? I was real sorry to hear.” William simply nods and turns toward the window.

William gets to his old house. We see pictures of his parents, him and his younger brother. There are a lot of things in boxes around the house. He enters the living room and sees his uncle packing things away. We learn his parents recently died in a car accident. William hasn’t been in town in years. He asks about his brother Tommy and his uncle said he’s followed William down the same road.

William heads into town and enters a pool hall. He goes to the bar and a large man who was sitting at the bar starts giving him shit. The bartender walks up and warns the man to back off, he doesn’t know who he’s messing with. Bartender greets William as Cauliflower and at that moment the guy realizes his mistake. He apologizes and offers to buy William a drink. William ignores him and asks after Tommy.

A door in the back opens and out walks a man with Tommy and others in tow. The man is shocked to see William and also refers to him as Cauliflower. William ignores him and tries to get Tommy to come with him. Tommy is hesitant and looks towards the man, JJ, for guidance. JJ explains that just because William couldn’t handle the life anymore and left doesn’t mean Tommy has to go. A fight ensues and William beats up a ton of people. They start to surround him and Tommy yells fir them to stop. They leave together.

Outside a cop car meets them. The cop, Carl, says hello to Tommy and refers to William by his nickname. The two used to be friends before William got into JJ’s crew and Carl joined the force. Carl says he was sorry to hear about there folks and that he’s glad to see William again. William says he was just there to get Tommy and help pack up their folks place. Carl is relieved he isn’t entering that life again.

Back at home the two brothers argue about Tommy running with JJ’s crew. Tommy yells about how there was nothing for him when William skipped town. The two argue until a pregnant woman yells from behind them. William turns to find Kelly, his ex staring at him. He is shocked as she goes over and kisses Tommy. William had no idea they were together and pregnant. Tommy leaves and William and Kelly have a conversation about how he left them all. He tries to say he is sorry but she doesn’t care. Tommy and her don’t need her. He leaves.

The next day William heads to town but finds a crowd. He pushes way into them and finds they are standing around a dead cop, Carl. He hears people muttering that Tommy did it. (LETS WRAP THIS UP SHALL WE) William tracks down JJ and his crew and beats the shit out of them all, in the rain or something dramatic. He takes Tommy to turn himself in and we time jump to William and Kelly living together raising Tommy’s child (not sexually) and going to visit Tommy in prison.

Kentucky Time Wedding

1980′s. Jacob owns a watch shop in Horse Cave, Kentucky. It’s been in his family for generations, owned by his father before him, his fathers father before that and his fathers fathers father before that. Kentucky Time is the name of the shop. Jacob had to take over working at the shop after his father passed and supports his mother. He spends almost all of his time at the shop and hasn’t had a girlfriend in years, since his fiance, Emily, died in a horrible auto accident that also took his fathers life.

Jacob is well known around town even though he has little time for himself or to socialize. People will come to his shop to talk to him about his father, his lineage, watches, the Wild Cats, etc. The folks in the town adore his mother as well and she is much more of a socialite than he is. She attends galas, parties, box socials, bridge clubs, rummy clubs… she keeps herself busy.

On a bright sunny day a new girl, Madison, and her elderly father, Reginald, walk into town and head to the store. Jacob is instantly taken with her and has a kinship with her father. They talk for hours, as we can see on the many clocks of the store, but it seems like nothing to them. Jacob invites them back to his house and introduces them to his mother. Reginald is taken with Jacobs mother as Jacob and Madison sit and talk while Madison plays the piano for Jacob. Madison plays songs that Alicia Keys and Adele songs, which since it is the 80′s no one knows. Jacob asks if she wrote them and she tells him she’s heard them somewhere before.

As time goes on all of them become closer to one another, but Reginald and Madison will disappear from time to time. Jacob has gotten incredibly closer to Madison and the two have been going out for a while now, with Jacob deciding he wants to ask her to marry him. His mother approves and even though it’s been a short time, they both feel like it’s the right thing to do. Jacob goes looking for them and sees them outside of the clock shop before it’s opened. There is a shimmering coming from all around it and the shop looks brand new. He doesn’t know what to make of what he is seeing. He enters the shop, which he can’t understand how it’s unlocked, and looks for the two of them, who seem to have disappeared again. The clocks in the shop look totally different and more modern-day than the ones in the shop before. Madison see’s him and runs at him, screams out his name, covers his eyes and then when she removes her hand they are back in the normal shop. Jacob can’t understand what happened.

He begs her to tell him what happened, but she says he can’t understand. He wants to know where he was and she insists that he was at the same clock shop as he always has been but he is more than a little wary about this. He tries to explain to his mother what happened but she thinks he’s crazy, making up things to sabotage the relationship.

Jacob tells Madison he can’t see her anymore and tells her that she seems to have too many secrets. Madison tells him to close his eyes and when he opens them again they are back in the modern clock shop. She tells him to follow her carefully. She shows him his father, working at the shop as a very old man all alone. At which point Emily comes by, Jacob screams out her name but in a blinding flash they are back in the old clock shop.

Jacob says he needs answers to what happened. And Madison is reluctant but tells him that she comes from another dimension, a parallel universe. In her universe his mother was the one killed in an auto accident while pregnant with him. Madison is actually Emily, but was named differently in her reality, and was born later. The car crash was a much bigger event in the town, something that rippled throughout and stopped the events of what would have happened otherwise. Jacobs father in that reality became increasingly belligerent and an alcoholic over time and eventually killed himself. She explains that she and Emily both have the ability to switch dimensions and had been able to talk to one another. They see themselves as inter-dimensional twins. Anyway, Emily brought Jacobs father into the other dimension in order to save himself from himself. She explained to his father what happened and he, with the knowledge of what would become of himself in another reality and that his son and wife can still lead a happy existence in his reality, decided to switch places with Reginald, and Emily with Madison because non dimensional shifting beings cannot exist outside of their own dimension without a travler from their own to aid them.

Jacob doesn’t believe this at first, but eventually does (making this FMF about 3 paragraphs shorter). They have a wedding and both Jacob’s father and Emily are watching though a rift.

THE END

I mostly know of Ricky Jay from his work with Mamet so I am very interested to learn more about his magic career. This trailer reminded me of another film that’s been on my radar for a while, the documentary about one of my all time heroes James Randi. This trailer is about a year old and it looks like the documentary is completed but it is pretty expensive. Hopefully it will hit Netflix soon.

Most people have brought up how similar this feels to Men In Black with good reason. Some of the jokes were pretty broad, but for the most part RIPD looks pretty fun. Someone in the comments pointed out that this should have really came out in October and not in July which I completely agree with. With Pacific Rim coming out the week before and Wolverine the week after, this has a good chance of tanking.

Via Ain’t It Cool

I don’t know about this movie. With the exception of William Fichtner and Tom Wilkinson I didn’t find much to get excited about. I looks like the perfect movie to watch on HBO on a lazy Sunday afternoon, which is probably not what they were going for.

Via Ain’t It Cool

I saw the 10 minute IMAX preview in front of The Hobbit and it was great. But recently I’ve been losing my excitement. I maybe because I’ve watched so much Star Trek recently (I watched all The Next Generation series and movies and am in the process of watching the Original Series). Maybe it is because the trailer makes it seem too dark and serious. Or maybe it is just my irrational dislike for Damon Lindelof. Here is hoping I’m wrong and the movie is as great as the first one.

Via Ain’t It Cool

Holy shit this is good. There is a lot of the same imagery that was in the previous trailers, but you get to see more of young Clark and Jonathan Kent, which I have to admit got me a little chocked up. The flashes of action at the end looked incredible. People like to say that the problem with DC characters is that they are basically gods, whereas Marvel characters are much more human and relatable. It looks like Man of Steel is embracing the godlike aspect of Superman and turning it into a positive. DC has finally got there shit together.

Via Ain’t It Cool

I liked this trailer a lot. They managed to keep a lot of the mystery, but still give you an idea of where the story is going. It looks like Francis Lawrence isn’t using as much shaky-cam as there was in the first movie, which is great. I have high hopes for this one.

Empty Glasses

Ben and Eric are two hot shot brokers who have lasted through the bubble bursting by rejecting everyone else, living for themselves and leaving behind a trail of bodies… figuratively speaking. They both drive expensive cars and are out all night partying still, somehow, and making it into work closing deals and what not. There are scenes of them out late all night always with different women, at clubs, bars, shindigs, parties with lots of celebrities at them, yachts, etc.

One morning Eric is in bed with another random women when there is a knock at his door. A woman starts screaming from the other side and the knocking gets louder. Eric shouts and tells the woman he’s in bed with his wife has just come home. The woman is furious and starts screaming, Eric pleads with her to leave as the knocking and shouting from his wife increases. The woman says she’s going to confront his wife when the cocking of a shotgun is heard from the other side of the door. The woman, grabs her stuff and runs out through a window. Eric looks to make sure she’s gone and then opens the door revealing Ben on the other side.

“How did you get rid of yours this morning?” Eric asks.

“I had a few pals from the precinct drop by,” Ben says as he chuckles.

They drive to work in a hummer or something equally ridiculous and head up to their office where everything is being collected by the FBI. Eric starts to flip out and is detained. The feds tell them that they have been under investigation for a long time, and that they have been sending in agents to pose as clients. Ben says they’re clean and they don’t have anything on them. The FBI man tells Ben maybe he should ask his partner (Eric, that’s confusingly written) about it.

When Eric is released and Ben confronts him Eric denies any criminal involvement with anything. Their funds are all frozen, they can’t go out living the life they used to, and are under constant watch by the FBI. Their days become exceedingly boring as, instead of drinking themselves to oblivion on in the world, they are now just doing it together. They barely ever say any words to one another.

Eric and Ben are both woken up one morning to a loud banging at the door and a woman screaming. Ben opens the door and the woman is asking for Eric, a different woman from earlier in the film. She tells Eric that he has a son. Eric asks how she found him and she says that the he has been all over the news that morning with the scandal about aiding and assisting known terrorist groups. Ben flips out and asks him if its true, Eric confirms everything. He tells Ben that he got in way over his head, ended up losing millions and owing to criminals and started to take on “big risk clients.” Ben flips out again screaming at Eric, who is remaining very calm about everything. When Ben confronts him about that, Eric tells Ben he’s higher up in the command than he could every believe. At which point the ceiling and windows come crashing in, all around them, but they’re left unharmed. It is some sort of rogue team sent in to get them. The women pulls out a gun and shoots the feds coming up to get them.

They all rush into some vans, Ben trying to stay behind but he’s knocked out and dragged along. There’s a whole car chase, lots of explosions, the convoy has crazy artillery  and are even able to take down the tanks that come to get them. They head out to some remote landing strip with a helipad. They get on a helicopter and take off, wreaking havoc as they leave. Ben wakes up and asks whats going on, Eric says not to worry and that they’ll be home soon, at which point the helicopter is shot out of the air spinning quickly towards its decent, which is slowed down by it crashing into its surroundings.

Ben and Eric survive the crash, Ben is pulling Eric up telling him to stand. They run away from the helicopter as it explodes. As Eric starts to run away but Ben stops him saying he has to pay for what he’s done. Eric tells Ben if he’s not coming with him then he has to die because he knows to much. There is an elaborate fight and Ben ends up knocking Eric out cold. A squad of soldiers followed by FBI cars, police cruisers, etc come rolling in out of the distance. When the soliders get to Ben they salute him and address him as sergeant. The FBI take Eric away and Ben asks if anyone wants to go out for a drink.

THE END

The Negro in the Cupboard

Movie opens with our main character Jaden in a car being driven by his mother down a dirt road to a small ranch house. She is talking about how he’ll love living in Arkansas with his grandmother. Jaden is silent and his mom says she understands he’ll miss the city.

Jaden is moving his things into his new room. He opens the closet and finds a small cupboard. He tries to get it open but it is locked. He forgets about it and continues putting things away. Under the bed he finds an old figure of a slave. He mutters something about racist southerners and puts the figure by the cupboard in the corner of his room.

The next day is his first day at school and he realizes he is the only black kid. It is an awkward day. The basketball and track coaches wanting him to join the team approach him. The other kids ignore him and he doesn’t make friends.

He heads home upset and falls onto the bed roughly. He hears a metallic sounds and upon investigating he finds a key that had fallen out from the bottom of the bed. He investigates it and tries the cupboard it opens but is empty. He looks at the slave figure and tosses it inside. He turns to walk way but hears faint singing. He opens the cupboard to find the figure has come to life and is singing ‘Wade in the Water.’

The slave looks up and they both yell. They calm down and Jed tells him about his life as a slave. Jaden starts to tell him about his trouble and Jed tells him that he has it good. They talk some more and Jaden feels better.

He brings Jed to school with him. Jed helps him get back at some of the racist students. He even secretly enters Jaden in the running for class president. The school is shocked since they never had a black president. Jed coaches him through the election and he wins!

Jaden gives a passionate speech about racism and the school is left stunned until a slow clap starts. Jed is standing on the podium where the crowd can’t see him and he looks up at Jaden with pride.

At home Jaden and Jed say goodbye. Jed needs to return to his life, as horrible as it may be. Jaden puts him back into the cupboard and after opening it up only finds the lifeless figurine. He heads out happy, returning to school to make the town a better place.

This wasn’t on my radar at all, but it is now. James McAvoy as a Bad Lieutenant type cop, sign me up. From browsing the comments from different places, apparently the book it is based on features a talking tape worm. Not sure if this movie will get that crazy, but it looks interesting regardless. Oh, and did I mention this trailer is not safe for work?

There had previously been talk that either Jeff Wadlow (Kick-Ass 2), Brad Furman (The Lincoln Lawyer), or Harald Zwart (The Karate Kid) would helm the seventh Fast and Furious movie (which I will only be referring to as Final Furious), but it looks like James Wan is now the front runner. I wasn’t interested in any of the previous directors, so I would be more than ok with James Wan. Wan has a great track record with horror and his revenge movie Death Sentence is well regarded, so I’d be interested to see what he could do with an action movie. Let’s not forget that Justin Lin wasn’t an action guy before he got into the Fast and Furious business either. James Wan is definitely the most interesting choice so far.

Via Slash Film

I wasn’t really sure what to expect for Elysium. I was slightly worried when I heard the synopsis that it would thematically be a repeat of District 9 (that is exploring class systems). Well I shouldn’t have worried, it looks awesome. The imagery and action both look incredible. As potentially great as Blomkamp’s Halo movie could have been, I’m more than happy to have him continue to make original science fiction films.

Overstayers

Ken, a thirty something, has been spending some time with his relatives in the East Hampton’s. He’s seen playing with the kids, swimming in their big pool, going to beaches, ordering stuff all on their tab. It’s been a crazy reunion weekend from a cousin that the family didn’t even know they had.

There is a big farewell, the family is very sad to see Ken go, but he has to as he has to get back to work in LA where he works on movies. The kids are all crying asking him to stay but Ken says he’ll come back and see them soon. Ken leaves and goes to the train, when he gets to the train he throws out the identification that labels him as Ken, because his name is actually Jim. He gets back to a small studio apartment in Brooklyn with nothing on the walls. Jim is most obviously a con artist. He heads back out into the world with a new fake ID that says his name is Ryan and looks for his next mark, which he finds in a man named Mark who is out looking for a gift for his girlfriend.

Jim goes and starts up a conversation with him, and starts to put together his backstory which fits very closely with Mark’s. Mark doesn’t seem to think anything is crazy so eventually Jim, as Ryan, convinces Mark that he is his cousin from his mothers side. Mark is elated and asks Ryan to help him out in picking out a gift. They go all over the place, stop for lunch, which Mark picks up, and finally get to a very nice jewelry store where Mark no longer has any cash for the gift, so Jim/Ryan picks it up for him. Mark is eternally grateful and they head out and go back to Mark’s apartment.

His apartment is enormous and Jim can hardly believe it, he feels like he just hit the jackpot. There are expensive paintings and scolptures all over the place, as well as old sports memoribelia. Mark notices Jim checking out everything and says that if he’d rather take his pick of anything he wants. So he does and is happy with the rare autographed Babe Ruth baseball, worth way more.

Anyway, Mark goes out to his dinner while Jim stays at his apt. Turns out it wasn’t Marks apt a t all, Mark was a con man and Jim goes to jail. Yeah. I’m tired. No crazy twist this week. And typing this out on my phone really sucks.

The end

Breakdown

Movie starts with a montage playing with the opening credits. We see a woman talking to the camera breaking up with an unseen person, boss firing them, doctor telling them that they have cancer, insurance guy saying that his policy wouldn’t cover treatment, and a mail man saying he ran over his dog. We hear him scream as the title shows.

We cut to the exterior of a bank. A male teen locks up his bike. A 30-something woman is dropped off by a man who yells at her as he drives off. An elderly man walks slowly in the door grumbling as the teen pushes by him. A teen girl pushes a baby carriage inside. Inside an older man in a suit talks loudly into his Bluetooth rolling his eyes at the young mother.

They wait in line as the old man grumbles. The baby cries and the young girl tries fruitlessly to get it to stop. The businessman yells something as the 30-something woman jumps. The door sounds and in walks a grizzled looking man walks in. He takes out a gun and shoots the guard. The tellers hit alarms and run out the back hidden behind the glass. A few customers make a break for it but are also gunned down.

The man locks the door and our cast of characters is now stuck together. The man yells for them all to sit down on the ground. Outside we hear sirens and a phone rings. The hostage taker walks off to answer it and has a cliché conversation with the police.

His hostages and him start to talk as they learn he has a bomb strapped to him. They talk about why he is doing this and he tells them about what we saw in the opening montage. The male teen laughs. The man flips out but the teen gets up and yells back about he has problems too. He is 15, takes care of his little brother because his mom is a drug addict. He works a shitty job, making shit money and was just her to cash his check to buy his brother new shoes.

The elderly man talks about how his wife is dead and his kids don’t talk to him anymore. He was pushed out of his job after 35 years. He has nothing and is convinced his visiting nurse is stealing from him.

The teen cries about how she has a child to raise all on her own. The father ran off when he heard. She was kicked out of the house and doesn’t know what she is doing. The 30-something women talks about how she is barren. Her husband is a drunk and abusive, blaming her for not being able to give him sons. She goes home each night in fear of what he’ll do.

The businessman gets up and acts like an ass. He goes for the hostage taker and the two wrestle. The gun flies over to the 30-something and she picks it up and shoots the businessman. Everyone looks around shocked. The hostage taker grabs the gun back and calls the cops outside to say he shot a hostage.

He turns to the group and says he isn’t interested in money. He is planning to blow himself up. He doesn’t care anymore. They can leave if they want. Everyone hesitates. The old man says he isn’t going anywhere, as does the young mother. The 30 something takes the baby with her as she leaves with the teen. They step out the door and the cops converge. The bank blows up and in the confusion the 30-something gets into the businessman’s car and drives off with the kid. The teen is interviewed and called a hero by the media.

We cut to the woman and the baby in a beautiful house watching coverage of a news story about the teen, and how people have reached out to him and him and his brother are doing great. He tells the reporter something corny like “Sometimes you’re pushed to the very edge. You jump off or turn around and return to a better place”

THE END

Happy almost Easter everyone (if you celebrate it, that is)! I’m not sure if you know about this, but if you leave a carrot on your table, write a nice note, and follow us on iTunes you’ll receive a new podcast every week! It’s crazy how these things called “computors” work. Join Alex, Russ, Peter and myself as we agree on Olympus has Fallen, and I shit a brick over everyone’s love of Spring Breakers. Recorded on March 27th 2013.

His Secrets

Movie starts off with two women having brunch (peter movie plot twist!). Our main character, Eve, talks with her friends about her relationship problems. Sue, her friend, laughs off Eve’s self-deprecating jokes. Sue tells her to keep her chin up because her luck will soon change.

Eve leaves and heads home. At home she checks her email to and logs into a dating sight. She has some messages from crazies and decides to actually meet one guy. The date goes awful and she storms off giving up.

She is just leaving the bar and screams in the street in frustration. She runs off and bumps into a handsome man named Jack. He is charming and such and they walk together. They go into another bar and have a good time. She wakes up in his apartment but he is not there. A note is left saying he had to run but she should make herself at home.

Later that day she is telling Sue about it. Sue remarks that Eve looks like a different woman. Eve says she can’t wait to see him again. The next day at work a bouquet of flowers arrive at her work. She looks around as everyone is shocked that she was getting them. The note says to come back to his apartment that night. She gets all pretty like and heads there. He lets her in and they have a good meal. She heads to the bathroom and walks past a creepy looking door. He catches her staring at it and tells her to ignore it.

They have a good night again but he is weird about meeting Sue and her other friends. He says he will try. He is gone again in the morning. That night she plans to meet up with Sue and some people and they are waiting around for Jack. He never shows up and doesn’t call or anything. Sue says some harsh things about him and Eve flips out. She storms off and heads to his place. She finds all sorts of weird shit as she searches it with him nowhere to be found. There are bloody knives, rubber gloves, and other things that point to him being a killer.

She decides to tail him one day. Following him is difficult as he vanishes mysteriously every block. He comes out of doors and from directions he shouldn’t be able to. The sun goes down and she follows him into a weird BDSM club. She is afraid and heads out back. She is attacked by a group of men and cowers to the ground. She hears a ruckus and looks up seeing all the men on the ground dead. Above her stands Jack.

She awakes in his apartment and he stand above her. She questions him and he tells her to stop. She should just stop asking and just be happy. A knock at the door seems to unnerve Jack. Another knock and Sue’s voice saying it is her. Eve turns to find Jack gone. She lets Sue in and looks confused. Sue questions Eve about what has been going on. Eve starts to try and explain what is going on with Jack. Sue walks over to the strange door asking about a smell. She opens it and screams. Jacks dead body is in there, cut up and tortured. Sue turns to try and question Eve. Eve is freaking out. We see flashes of her drunk and being picked up by Jack. He takes her home as she is practically passed out. She comes to and kills him. We see her doing a bunch of things that she thought was with him but alone. She kills all the men in the alley herself. Sue tries to run and Eve grabs her and kills her.

Cut to black but we fade back in to Eve lying on a beach being brought three drinks. The waiter looks confuses and as he walks away we see her laugh, handing one to Sue and the other to Jack.

The end.

Philip Gets Better

Philip has been in a mental institution for a long time. He’s been claiming aliens have been contacting him , they can read his thoughts and know exactly what he’s doing. He also claims that he can hear what they’re doing as well and has been trying to warn everyone about an invasion.

We show scenes of Philip before being in an institution and he would be standing on the street with signs of warning letting everyone know what’s being shared with him. No one believes him obviously and soon he resorts to vandalism and even more serious crimes like arson to try and get everyone’s attention. This is what ultimately puts him in the institution. He claims to know the date, which is supposed to happen during the trial, but nothing happens on that day. He says the aliens know he told and are planning a later date now.

Even in the institution he is still holding fast to his beliefs, and even while heavily medicated he is still spouting the same stuff. He’s even warning about a new date, a date which this time the aliens actually arrive on and wage a war.

Philip is let out and asked to help with the war. He is brought up to speed on the worlds plan. Of course the aliens can hear and see all of this and everything is thwarted. Humanity falls, most are taken as prisoner, and only a few survive in bunkers and this new alien race takes over.

Philip has been captured by the aliens and is brought to the ruler. He asks why he was brought there and the ruler says something like “you don’t remember?” The ruler rips off Philips skin and reveals him to be a alien as well, some high ranking general. He is horrified and the ruler says something like, “we left you here too long brother, you are beginning to act and GASP think like them.” Philip says “maybe I have” and proceeds to punch through the head of the ruler, steals his side arm and primary weapon and takes down all of the forces around him. He lets the captive humans out that are there and then they all take up arms and start the war to take back earth… I guess.

The end?

Phew, it was only a little bioshocky. It originally was far closer

See for yourself!

Shovel

Quick cuts as a group of bikers tears into town. They smash into a bank and rob it. They do it violently, shooting a guard. They mean business and are not to be fucked with. Tear right out of town.

Cut to FBI at the scene talking about the crew. They’ve been hitting banks across the country and they think they are heading towards Colorado. Behind them on the TV there is a weather report talking about a blizzard heading that way too as we zoom in to a small town on the map.

Cut to the town as our main character Doug shovels snow. Old Lady opens her door and thanks him for the help saying he’s such a sweet man. He heads across the street to his house. He puts the shovel next to the door and we see pictures on a table of him in the army, also of a woman and child. He picks up the phone and calls the boy in the photo. His son lives in California with his mother but is suppose to be coming to spend the week with his dad. His flight gets in the next morning.

Doug’s ex gets on the phone and gives him all kinds of crap about the weather and how dangerous it might be. Doug is insistent on him coming and she gets angry. They hang up and he turns on the TV, more news of the storm. Cut to the biker gang heading into town. They arrive at a large house and take it over, tying up a family as they plan for their next heist tomorrow.

Doug picks up his son who gets into town ahead of the storm. Doug promises fun as they get home. The phone is ringing as they walk in and Doug picks it up. He tells his son that he has to go shovel out the store he works at. The owner is old and knows Doug took his vacation but needs the help. He promises he will be back soon and grabs the shovel on his way out.

He gets to town and starts shoveling. The store is across the street from the bank and the bikers show up and hit the bank. Doug follows them in and attacks with the shovel. He takes out two of them. The others run off. The two are taken to the prison and the FBI is contacted and says they will be coming soon to pick them up, but they might be held up by the storm. The cops thank Doug and he heads home.

Back at the house they broke into the bikers are pissed. They squabble about leaving town and ditching the two. Their leader shuts them up and says they won’t be leaving them behind. The feds won’t be able to get into town and they have time. They hit the police station and get their guys. The leader beats a cop to get him to tell him where Doug lives. They want payback.

They head towards Doug’s. Doug hears them coming and tells his son to hide. He grabs the shovel and runs out. Huge fight as he takes out all of them but the leader. A shot rings outs and he hears his son scream. The leader is holding a gun to the kid’s head. Doug throws down his shovel. His son stomps the leaders foot and runs off as Doug lunges at him. Crazy fight in the snow until Doug takes him out with the shovel as the FBI pulls up to find the gang laying in the yard passed out. They thank Doug and he heads in to spend time with his son.

The End

HackBus: Air Force One 2

The movie opens with the end of Air Force One. We see Harrison Ford, as president James Marshall, kicking Gary Oldman out of the plane. The public loved James and wants him to be president forever, but he decided to step down after his first term and not run again. There are news programs and papers that are shown in vignettes that tell the history of the world since then. Much of Eastern Europe has formed under the monicker of nUSSR, the US’s economy keeps getting worse, pollution has gotten so bad that air travel is no longer available and Smart Busses have taken over as a clean and fuel efficient way to travel, and people are once again calling for James Marshall to take up a non-consecutive second term in office. They say he’s the only one who can bring the economy back and the nUSSR wants to sign a peace treaty but not with the current president. James runs and wins by a landslide.

James is right at home in the Oval Office and gets right to work, starting by talking to the nUSSR leaders and get the peace process underway. He’s told that there are some militant groups that don’t want the peace to happen and will stop at nothing to make sure it never happens. James tells the leaders he isn’t afraid and is ready to do what must be done.

There’s a whole big ceremony with him getting on the bus, which is made from parts of the now defunct Air Force One. James has a sentimental moment with the bus, starting to tell people about the times he had, but cuts himself off to just boards the bus instead. All of the people around nod to him.

There is a whole explanation of the Smart Bus, how there is no driver the whole thing is wirelessly being controlled, it doesn’t burn fuel, it’s 100% electric and charges by solar panels, etc.

There are scenes of the terrorist group preparing to stop the bus. They have a whole plan, what streets they need to be on, where lookouts will be, gas station attendants on their side, it’s overwhelming. The leader of the group always has his back to the camera for now.

The bus trip starts off normally enough but soon it’s very obvious that people are trying to divert the bus, or stop it all together. They laugh off all of the obstacles though and James has a big smile on his face like, “Oh man we’re not going to have a repeat of last time.” Shortly after the bus starts acting weird, going off course. On the monitors in the bus there is the leader of the terrorists, back to the camera still, asking the President if he thinks he is still in control. They have a conversation and eventually the leader turns around. It’s Gary Oldman, who then explains that he is the twin brother of the man he kicked off of Air Force One years ago, he has taken over control of the bus and he’s not going to allow the peace treaty to happen.

Some dumb stuff happens, there is a manual override of control complete with steering wheel and pedals and all, which the president uses to start steering the bus but the pedals don’t work. They’re driving at intense speeds, the president is able to steer the bus to a circular location… not unlike an airport… so that they can just keep driving without too much fear…much like the end of Speed.

They’ve been trying to triangulate where the hack is coming from but have had no luck, they can’t get a lock. It turns out he’s in a bus as well, staying away from detection. The president is the one who figures all this out. We cut to Gary Oldman on the bus, watching some fake internet graphs that are supposed to relate what he’s doing to some metrics, connection intensity, lag, etc. All of the sudden the presidents bus, Bus Force One, slams into Oldman’s. Oldman tries to stop but it turns out the government has hacked into his bus as well and taken over everything except steering. There is a frag race type thing where the two buses have to jump over some train tracks, which results in Oldman’s bus being destroyed, but not before he jumps out and onto Bus Force One. Oldman and the president have a fist fight, and as the bus goes over a bridge James says “Get off of my bus” and kicks Oldman out of the bus, off the bridge and screaming to his certain death.

The president makes it to the peace treaty signing, there is joy all around the world, people call for him to be president for life again but he declines again. One of his cabinet members asks the president where to next. The president aptly responds with, “Don’t worry about it, this time I’ll walk.” Everyone laughs. CREDITS.

THE END ……. ?

Here is where I get worried.  Disney only makes a few movies a year, and none of them have budgets below $150 Million.  They are going to turn Pete’s Dragon into a franchise and Narnia or Alice it.  It’ll likely be epic in scale, have little comedy and probably have some sort of prophecy involved.  It seems we forgot kids are relatively easy to amuse.  They don’t need wild effects budgets and swirling Hobbit-level adventures.  Sometimes keeping it smaller in scale works better for their little brains and isn’t boring or expository.  Look at those Diary of a Wimpy Kid movies for example.  They cost nothing, but make a lot and are only for kids.  Why can’t Disney use that model sometimes, albeit on a larger scale?  The only effect needs to be the cartoon Dragon.  Let everything else be bumbling old people and Pete.

Alright, this could be my worst title (to date). The last remnants of snow have vanished from the bustling city streets, which can only signify one thing: a new Movie Movie Podcast! Join Peter, Russ, Alex and myself as we discuss Stoker and Oz the Great and Powerful. Recorded on March 13th 2013.

Fighting Midnight

Our main character William sits at the counter of the local diner. He is served a big breakfast by a hot waitress who flirts with him. The people around him all say hi. He is clearly a big shot in town. The mayor of the town walks in and sits next to him and starts to ask William for advice.

William laughs and then notices at the end of the bar a beautiful woman in a red dress. The mayor makes a crack at how she is staring at William and how he gets all the women. The mayor turns to William and we see a look of fear on his face. William asks the date and when the mayor says March 12th, William drops his glass. A young bus boy comes right up to clean it apologizing to William. William runs out the back door.

He is hurrying to his car and looks back in fear. He opens the door and sits, starts the engine and drives away. He starts to relax until we see the woman in the back seat. He yells and swerves the car. She says something along the lines of “It’s nice to see you too William. It all ends tonight.”

FLASHBACK

William is a nerdy teen working on his father’s farm. We see a montage of the day. He is beat from working, as he is small and weak. He sees other kids his age driving around having fun. A car drives by and the jock driver makes fun of William. One of the girls in the car, Kim, sticks up for him. She smiles at him but the car drives away.

Later that night William is unable to sleep. He curses the others and his crappy life. A light comes into the window, as he investigates he sees it is coming from the barn. He enters the barn to find the woman in the red dress. She says she has watched him suffer. She can give him a better life, in exchange for his soul. He will get 25 years of happiness. But at midnight 25 years later, he becomes hers.

We see a calendar and fade back into the present day to find it is his last day. The woman asks him if he enjoyed the life she gave him and he says yes. She taunts him about his remaining hours and disappears. He stops the car and has a break down. HE heads home to his beautiful house. It is empty. He has no family.

He opens a scrapbook and looks at pictures of the things he has done, his possessions, and the women he has slept with. A photo of Kim slides out and he looks at it longingly. He has had an nice life but realizes that there was nothing to be truly happy about.

He jumps up and out of the house. He gets to Kim’s place and she is cold towards him. She was always nice to him even before he suddenly became successful and turned into a jerk. He begs her for a chance to pay her back for all her kindness and holds out his hand. She places hers in it and he takes her off.

They do all sorts of things with the day. All sorts of fun romantic shit I can’t be bothered to thing of. Later that night she looks up at him like she wants to be kissed. He says he is sorry but he can’t. He tells her that he has to go away soon and her doesn’t want to hurt her.

She runs off feeling embarrassed and used. The clock nears midnight. When it hits the woman in red appears. She says it is time, but there is a way to get out of it. She saw William that day and the sacrifice he made to not kiss Kim. She says if he runs off and never sees Kim again, that she will give up his soul, that William will be free. William jumps into his car racing away.

We cut to Kim’s house as she is just getting home. She throws her stuff down angrily but then the doorbell rings. She opens it and William grabs her and they kiss. It is a long passionate kiss and we zoom in on her eyes. When we pull away he is gone. She looks around confused.

Cut to William being locked away by the woman in red. There are screams from other cells around him as souls are tortured. She shuts the door looking very upset and storms off. THe camera turns to him as he settles down for eternity, but with a huge smile on his face.

The end.

Post It

Frank is a professional gossip blogger. He has built his life on muck raking from some of hollywoods finest, but has never had his own big story break before. Most of the time he is just piggy backing off of other, more well known and renowned gossip sites and publications.

He’s barely making a living as it is, his apartment is tiny and roach infested. All he has is a mattress on the floor, an old white sheet covering it, a chair, a slab of wood for a desk and a macbook pro, 15 inch with all the bells and whistles. His rent is late, but he still makes it to Starbucks every day, working from the coffee shop and milling his single cup of coffee for as long as he can. He’s even made some friends in the workers at the shop, who will tell him all sorts of celebrity gossip about the people who come in, what they drink, etc.

His bills are getting out of control, creditors are calling him on his brand new iPhone 5, but he keeps at it. He complains to his friends but when they ask him why he doesn’t get a real Jon he tells them he’s doing what he loves and that’s more important.

It goes on like this for a while until one night at a bar he sees cool dude celebrity and all around good guy Johnny Depp walk in. He decides to go and talk to him, tell him what he does and see if he could get and exclusive interview. Frank pleads with him, spilling his whole life to him, which Depp listens to intently and has some kind and helpful words for him. Frank asks if he can have an interview and Depp agrees.

Frank, overly elated, thanks Johnny a dozen or so times then runs out of the bar and starts to call people. In his haste he is reminded on the phone that he never got Depps information or face him his card.

Frank runs back to the bar but JD is no longer there. He asks the bar tender where he went and the bartender tells him he went out the back with a friend. Frank rushes out there and opens the door just in time to see Johnny Depp shooting his friend in the back of the head. Frank closes the door in a hurry and runs away back to his apartment. There is a whole nauseating scene of him walking home and throwing up in an alley on the way.

The next morning Frank is at his computer with the story written up debating whether to hit “Publish” or not. He leaves the apartment to clear his head. He meets up with some friends who he tells what happened to. Some believe him, but others think he was just drunk. He heads back to his apartment and publishes the story. The news picks it up, there is a ton of attention around the blog, Johnny comes out in the press denying anything.

Frank starts to get lots of attention, there are interviews always and he has become a sort of celebrity, but everyone hates him. No on believes the story but he refuses to let it go. He also has lawsuits against him for slander and a restraining order against him but that doesn’t stop him from rummaging through Depp’s trash and stalking him, creating more stories based on what he’s seen that he believes all of this stuff proves his story right.

Things get worse, Frank no longer sleeps and becomes overly obsessed with whats happen. People throw things at him when he’s out in public, but he no longer has any money woes. Frank is a totally different person than he was now, he looks decades older and has lost touch with everyone. The trail finally happens and it’s a shit show. Frank loses his temper constantly throughout the trail, scaring all of the jurors while everyone else keeps their cool. The verdict comes in and it has been determined that Frank is mentally unstable, schizophrenic, has completely fabricated everything that happened and is ordered to a mental institution.

At the institution a doctor is showing a new employee around the building and giving them background information on all of the patients. When they arrive at Frank’s the doctor says, “and here we have a bona fide celebrity.” The new employee excitedly says, “Is that Frank Garris? I had no idea he was here?” Inside Frank’s room we can see him smiling as he listens to the doctors outside of his room talking about him.

THE END

The slump has finally caught up with us. We may have no energy throughout this podcast, but you should have been there for the bits before and after I recorded. It was pretty funny. Join Alex, Pete, Russ and myself as we begrudgingly make our way through Jack the Giant Slayer and Snitch. Recorded on March 6th 2013.

…And Everything Nice

Foggy night, drunk guy and girl walk down the street. They kiss and he is trying for more but she pushes him off. He complains and she runs off behind an old abandon house. They find a swing set and she jumps on. He trips on his way to her and lays on the ground as she laughs at him. He realizes he can no longer hear her and starts to get up. She is gone and he hears the sounds of a little girl laughing. He turns and there is a girl in front of him. He asks her if she’s ok. She charges at him.

Phone rings and an older man rolls out of bed. He is the sheriff and is told two bodies were found. He heads out and knocks on his daughter’s door. She comes out all ready for school and ignores him. He drops her off telling her he loves her but she doesn’t answer.

Sheriff arrives at the house from the beginning and is asked by his deputy how his daughter is. He says she still hasn’t talked to him since her mother died and they moved to town. They come around the house but there is no swing set, but the bodies of the two teens are on the ground. The local doctor says it looks like they suffocated. He has found dirt in their mouths as if they were buried alive. The sheriff looks at their wrists and there are red ribbons tied around their wrists. The deputy says they were dating and the ribbon is probably a sign. The sheriff looks skeptical.

Cut to the Sheriff at his daughter’s school talking to the principal. His daughter is struggling in the new school to make friends. Sheriff talks about how his wife was hit by a truck or something. The change has been difficult for her. Outside the office she sits silently staring at the wall. She hears a little girl laughing and turns to find the girl from the swings staring at her. She jumps as her dad leaves the office. When she turns the girl is no longer there.

That night the deputy is walking around the crime scene. He hears the girls laughter and turns to find the swing set. He calls in on the radio about the swings. Dispatch just laughs at him. He turns as the little girl pounces on him.

Sheriff wakes up to the sound of his daughter screaming. He runs into her room and she backs away from him just staring out the window. He looks seeing nothing. He goes to sit with her when the phone rings. The deputy is missing. He heads to the abandoned house that morning and finds his body with a ribbon. Once again his mouth is filled with dirt.

He talks to dispatch and is told about the swings the deputy mentioned. He heads to the library to read about the old house. The old grizzled librarian finds him looking through the old newspapers and tells him he won’t find anything about it. The town doesn’t speak about it. There was a playground there. The other kids were teasing a young girl. They took the red ribbon from her hair that she always wore and tied her to the swings. There was a rumbling and they all backed away as the swing sets began to shake. A sinkhole opened up and the little girl disappeared down it, never to be found.

He heads back home and he hears a girl laughing. He goes into his daughter’s room but she isn’t there. He hears the laughing some more and out the window he see’s the swing set and girl. He runs out but it is gone. He races to the old house and finds the girl on the swings. He tries to reason with it as it advances. He draws his gun and shoots her. Dirt falls from the bullet holes. The swing set starts to slowly sink back into the earth. She dives at him and he tries to fight her. He cuffs her to the swings as they sink in and she disappears into the earth.

He turns and sees his daughter on the ground. He runs over to her and picks her up. Dirt falls from her mouth and she coughs it out. She says “Daddy?” and hugs him. They drive home. He tucks her in. She laughs and he turns off the light. He gets into bed and looks happy. The camera pulls up and looking down on him we see the floor start to turn to dirt and open up.

The end.

KGBees: The Sting Operation

The Hive, KGBee headquarters, 0600 hours. Queen Bee, known as Q, has called in her best agent, John Carpenter, to take on what could be the most deadly case of his career. With information from the CIAnts about a new plot to take over the world by the Termiban, who has been working with rogue anti-nationalists M.A.N.T.I.S (The Malevolent, Anarchistic, Nihilistic Truants of Insect Society), led by Maximilien Robeespierre, to infiltrate the Republic of Insectica and bring it to it’s knees with biological weaponry; germ warfare.

As we take a look around the world we see green all over, this no industrial or human environment. The planet is covered by jungles, forests, tundras, deserts and water. Animals and insects have their own societies, teaching their young in schools or sorts, trading with other species, and yes policing the territory or, in some cases, the world.

John’s mission, should bee choose to accept it, is to become part of M.A.N.T.I.S. and stop them from finishing their bio weaponry and save all of insect life as they know it. He is, however, too much of a classic James Bond agent type to be taken seriously as a rebel, so there is a whole make over montage that they do to make him look bad, then they have to put him through a sort of Clockwork Orange situation to make him watch hours of footage. It’s humorous.

Once prepped he heads to the M.A.N.T.I.S. hide out, The Hornet’s Nest, and is immediately thought to be an outsider. However one bee, Honey, stops the mob from killing him and he instantly falls for her. She speaks with a faux Russian accent. Since she is giving him a chance all of the other insects there do too. She also happens to be going out with a high ranking officer in the group, Hirobeeto.

John, Honey and a bunch rebels, spy-ders and the IRA (Independent Roach Army), take to the air and land to start causing hysteria around the world. John starts to earn the trust of most of the other insects and they start to let him in on their secrets. There are multiple plots against Insectica and John starts feeding information to HQ, allowing for minimal consequences in the long run. As things start to ramp up John is let into the more diabolical plots and he is taken to the labs where the scientists have been working tirelessly developing their toxin. John sees an old can of RAID and the insects trying to recreate the poison. They have been getting closer and have myriad larva that are there to be tested on. John sees the most recent version of the toxin in action and watches it wipe out the bugs in an instant.

John calls back to The Hive to let them know what’s happening and they devise a plan to take out the labs. On the day the siege is supposed to take place John is ready to call in the troops when Honey starts an attack of her own with the FBeeI. The toxin is destroyed but she is captured and held as a prisoner all while John is still undercover. Q tells John to stay undercover, do not compromise his identity by getting Honey out, and see what happens. As John starts to devise a plan against Q’s wishes to lead Honey out John is let into the bigger plan. He meets with Robeespierre and Hirobeeto to talk about what happens next. They take him to an overgrown island in the middle of nowhere in Insectica. As they traverse the overgrowth it is very obviously the dilapidated ruins of New York City where there are buildings knocked over, garbage rotting everywhere, and the carcasses of animals line the streets. The fly to Madison Square Garden and inside there is a group of humans living. Robeespierre says that humans were the ultimate germ that brought the insect and animal world to almost extinction before and that they will be able to do it again. He and Hirobeeto laugh maniacally, John is horrified.

SMASH CUT TO BLACK

TO BE CONTINUED

THE END

Holy Water.

We open on a man and woman having graphic sex in a confessional booth. You already know the type of movie you are for.  Father Leary is new to the priesthood, but hasn’t taken his vows seriously.  He’s a hotshot young priest in 1970′s boston.  He’s a die-hard Celtics/Sox/Bruins fan and smokes cigarettes regularly.  A monologue of Father Leary giving an impassioned sermon begins as scenes begin to unfold showing Leary gambling, fornicating with women in teh confessional booth, and taking money from the collection.  We see he takes the collection money and buys himself a pack of cigarettes.  As he leaves, he sees a homeless person and tosses him $10 bucks, saying keep the change.

The next scene is Leary at home with his family.  He comes from a family of criminals and deviants, and he’s considered the one who got out.  All of his brothers are scumbags, and his father is in jail.  His mother is tough (think Melissa Leo in The Fighter).  His mother asks him when is he gonna quit with the priesthood and give her a grandchild.  All the other kids will be lucky to find a woman much-less have a child with one.  He says his life belongs to th lord.  You can tell she sees right through what he’s saying.

The Cardinal of Boston comes to Leary’s church one day right after Leary finishes having sex with some sad housewife.  Imagine he’s played by Brendan Gleeson.  He tells Leary that the other priest think he’s a joke, and if he doesn’t get himself together he’s going to be excommunicated. Leary tells him to go fuck himself.  That he’s been working in the highest crime district in the nation.  That trying to save these souls is pointless.  That what the church claims to defend is pointless.  He’s got an early oscarbait moment where he tells the Cardinal he knows about what happened to those boys last summer.  It doesn’t take a rocket scientist.  If he loses his priesthood, he’ll blow the whole situation out of the water.  The Cardinal tells him to be careful about his threats.  Leary tells the Cardinal the same and he leaves.

Later that evening after some more carousing, he goes to buy a pack of smokes and sees that same homeless person from a day ago.  He notices the person looks familar and realizes its one of the same kids that was molested a year back.  He tells the kid, named Charlie, he’s not like the other priests who gang-molested him.  He’s into women.  Leary brings Charlie back to his home.  Here Charlie tells him that after it happened, no one would believe him and his extremely devout parents kicked him out on the street.  He’s been there ever since.  All he ever wanted to do was be a good altar boy, and he was, until it all went bad.  Leary tells him he can stay until he gets himself together.  Charlie asks Leary to help tell his story.  Leary tells him he can’t, he’ll lose everything if he does (somehow). Charlie accepts this momentarily.

As the movie continues we see that Charlie’s influence around Leary starts to turn him into a better person.  He begins only having sex with one  woman and he realizes he might love her.  During a sermon one day he says he loves someone above all else, and right as the congregation says “Jesus” he says “Mary” and he says she’s made him a better person, Charlie’s made him a better person, and sure God has helped too, but what he’s learned is that sometimes god doesn’t answer prayers.  He goes into explaining how Charlie was molested and how the church did nothing.  How they failed him.  How he failed him.  Of course the Cardinal was at this service and begins casting Leary out as a heretic, but he says it’s all true, and that’s why he’s stepping down.

The next scene we see Charlie and Leary have pooled their resources and opened a home for boys and Leary is no longer a priest, but married to Mary.   Charlie asks Leary one night, if he regrets what he did (a flashback of all the sex and weird stuff Leary used to do quickly comes across the screen) and Leary, a bit older now says, “Do I regret it?”

End.

Holy crap this looks good. Good enough to get me to break my streak of nothing but Fake Movie Friday posts. Too bad the trailer has premiered as the same day as Hangover 3, which we will not be sharing on this site.

I want to see this so badly. It looks fantastic. I can’t wait. I watch this trailer and can’t help but think about how bad ‘The Great Gatsby’ looks compared to this film made in black and white by Joss Whedon. He shot it at his own home with a bunch of his friends.

There have been a lot of snarky posts at movie new sites about Clerks 3, and no one has really gotten the story completely right. I should preface this post by saying that I’ve been a huge Kevin Smith fan for years and I listen to far to many of his podcasts. I will say that I get the Kevin Smith hate to some degree. He does have some gross personality flaws and has severe technical filmmaking limitations. In terms of his personality flaws, they are nowhere near as troubling and off-putting as those of his podcasting contemporaries (Adam Carolla, Marc Maron, and Joe Rogan come to mind). In terms of his filmmaking, it sort of feels like going to see your friend’s band–maybe they aren’t the best band ever, but of course I’m going to go support them and enjoy the music.

Which brings us to Clerks 3.

Kevin Smith has a self imposed limit of the number of films he will direct. This seems pretty silly to me, but whatever. Originally Hit Somebody was going to be his last film and he talked about doing Clerks 3 in some other medium such as a play. Because he is turning Hit Somebody into a miniseries, Clerks 3 will now be his last movie.

People seemed to completely miss this part of the story, but there is no guaranteed that Clerks 3 will be made at all. Clerks 3 will only be made if everyone agrees to come back, specifically Jeff Anderson. Jeff Anderson had to be convinced to do Clerks 2. All the main players (Jeff Anderson, Brian O’Halloran, Scott Mosier, Jay Mewes, and Kevin Smith) all agreed to $100,000 and a share of the profits. Kevin Smith ended up giving his $100,000 to Anderson to finally convince him. The problem is that they never got any money from the backend because of the shitty movie math of the Weinstein Company. Anderson, who never liked the Weinsteins, has even more reason not to like them considering they were keeping money away from him that he was rightfully owed. Clerks 2 was made for $5 million and grossed I believe around $30 million, so clearly it was profitable.

What is happening now is that The Weinsteins have been sued and are being audited to try to get the money that everyone is owed. At this point it looks like this will be successful and be finished soon, but there is no guarantee. Jeff Anderson has said flat out that he would not do Clerks 3 until the mess has been cleared up, and because Kevin Smith will not make Clerks 3 unless everyone agrees to come back, Clerks 3 is in limbo.

This is the proper context for Kevin Smith’s talk about making Clerks 3 into a novel. He has a story to tell, and want’s to tell it as a film, but if for whatever reason he is unable to do that, he would turn the story into a novel.

With all that in mind we can look at some of the flights of fancy Smith has been taking recently. Without the context people have been reporting stories that imply that he doesn’t know what he is doing and is just flailing around, which I don’t believe to be the case. His new idea would be to write it as a novel and release chapters of it over time as an ebook. This would pump of the excitement for the film (which would still be getting made) and allow fan participation, by letting people shoot little scenes from the novel. At that point, some of the best fan generated clips could play over the credits of the completed Clerks 3 film.

Aloha to the Luau

Our main character Jay wakes up to a big breakfast made for him by his mother and father (CLASSIC PETE OPENING!). Next to his plate is a letter from Harvard. His mom already opened it. He got in and his parents are elated. He seems to not care that much and faking his smile. His parents say they can’t wait to tell everyone at the big block luau that night.

Cut to after school. His best friend Jones drives his shitty car through the lot yelling at jocks. Jay asks him to cool it and is embarrassed by all the attention. Jones brings up Harvard saying, that Jay’s mom texted him. “And these nudes,” he jokes.

Time cut and such: Jones passes by the turn to their street and Jay asks him about it. Jones laughs and they pull up to a party! Jay is hesitant but reluctantly heads in. Everyone is drunk already and doing a TON of hilarious stuff. There are girls making out, white dudes raping, and some people playing strip poker. Dudes are jumping off the roof into the pool. The nerdy kids are getting laid. It’s pandemonium.

Jones says that Jay needs to relax and slips him some drugs and he goes nuts. He’s doing karaoke and kissing everyone. He poops in the sink and wears the clothes of the mother of whoevers house it is. He takes some fireworks from some of the dudes outside. He hops on a riding mower and takes it for a joy ride. He pulls up to a McDonalds drive thru and orders 87 chicken nuggets. He pulls away and the workers are confused. They turn around and go back to work. Camera stays on them for a few seconds until Jay pops back in. He screams “THERE ARE 89!” as he throws them back through the window.

Jones grabs Jay and drags him into the car. They drive off towards home. Jay starts to freak out as they approach. He freaks out about Harvard and his parents pressuring him. Jones slams the brakes and flips out. He just wanted the m to have fun but Jay can’t help but complain about everything. Jones yells about how he didn’t even get into any schools, but you don’t see he bitching. Jay apologizes and they enter the block luau.

They laugh and try to hide the fact they have been drinking and doing drugs from the block. Everyone is proud of Jay and the Harvard news. He tosses his jacket but it lands on a grill. The fireworks go off. Sparks hit the propane, explosions all around. Jay and Jones run away. Jay finds a chicken nugget in the back of the car and eats it.

The end.

Dead Baby Jokes

We open on a cop running into a circus.  He’s obviously in a rush, but when he gets backstage of the circus he’s too late.  He sees a dead baby dressed up like a clown.  He was too late to save the baby and the serial killer got away.  At this point the title card plays. 

We cut to 5 years later

Detective Hanson, the cop from earlier, has retired.  After chasing Baby Jokes all over Seattle for a summer, he’s seen enough of the horror, the mayhem, the dead babies.  He decides to become a private security consultant instead.  It’s easier hours and less stress.  One day while on the job he gets a call from his old captain, telling him that Baby Jokes has struck again, and this time he asked from Hanson directly.  Hanson refuses, says he’s out of that life, but the captain asks him how many babies can he leave on his conscience? 5, 10, 50?  At this point there is a really tasteless flashback of other dead babies and Hanson decides to come back to the force.  Only this time he wants a partner.  The captain pairs Hanson up with Aaron McCordy, a younger, but seasoned detective.  McCordy looks up to Hanson as somewhat of a criminal profiling genius, so they get along well.  When they get to kennel, they see a dead baby.  It was obviously the joke “How do you know when a baby is a dead baby? the dog plays with it more”

Both Hanson and McCordy figure that one out really fast, but while on the scene, Baby Jokes leaves another half joke in one of the cages.  It reads “What do you call a dead baby with no arms or legs hanging on your wall?”  After giving it some thought they realize the answer is art.  In some Fincher style quick editing, we see Hanson and McCordy on the phone telling the station to get them a list of every gallery and museum in Seattle.  They get the list and gamble on what location to go to and because it’s a movie they get there just in time to see someone running away from the Seattle Museum of Art.  McCordy chases after him and Hanson frantically searches the museum to find a hopefully living baby.  He doesn’t the baby is dead and McCordy comes back having not been able to catch the potential killer.  Hanson takes out his flask and starts drinking again.  This is what made him unravel so many years ago.  As usual there is another clue from Baby Jokes.  This time he says it’s his last clue.  Hanson says it’s just like last time.  He does a few regular baby killings before a grand spectacle final killing.  The joke reads “what’s worse than a dead baby in a trashcan?”  Right here Hanson realizes Baby Jokes is going to stage a mass execution.  He just doesn’t know where he’ll get all the babies from.  McCordy suggests an orphanage or hospital, so they split up and go to both.  At the Orphanage, Hanson sees the staff very despondent. They tell that all the babies have been kidnapped.  Hanson says he’s going to save them, he just needs to realize what will be the “trashcan.”  Here we realize the answer is multipart.  100 dead babies is the answer, but what’s worse than that is that the one at the bottom is alive, and he has to eat his way to the top (metaphorically).  Hanson calls McCordy, but he doesn’t answer, he leaves a message saying that he thinks Baby Jokes is going to strike at the Seattle landfill.  And drives there really fast.

When he gets there, he sees McCordy is already there.  He asks how he got there so soon? He says he had the same hunch.  Anyway they go to this giant pit of babies, none of which have been killed yet.  There is a giant demolition ball hanging above the baby pit.  Hanson says that have to move the ball and save the kids,  they are ahead of Baby Jokes this time.  Only McCordy shoots Hanson right in the leg and says they aren’t.  Now it becomes clear that McCordy was baby jokes all along (theres flashbacks that help it make more sense).  McCordy goes into a long story about how he was given up for adoption, and had a tough life etc etc.  When he was a teen and old enough to meet his parents, they had a young baby at the time.  He confronted them and they said they were too young to make a mistake.  A MISTAKE! He apparently thought this was a good enough reason to kill babies all the time.  Hanson calls him sick and twisted and McCordy agrees, but now with Hanson out of the way, he can kill all the babies. Hanson despite being shot in the leg gets up and charges at McCordy.  They both fall and ground scuffle.  McCordy beats him up pretty bad and says he wants to keep him alive to witness his greatest failure.  He gets into the demolition ball cockpit thing and begins lowering to ball slowly.  The babies are crying like they know they’re gonna die but at the last minute Hanson tackles McCordy and the entire demo ball machine topples over.  Hanson starts gun butting McCordy until there isn’t even a head left to gun but.  He kills McCordy and calls the entire police force to get the babies out of the pit.  The captain comes to the scene and asks what happened.  Hanson just says, “I quit.”  It rains. 

Movie Over.

I’m so sorry everyone.

Hard Reboot

The year is 2245 and the world is united. We no longer rely on oil, coal, gas or other forms of current unclean energy and instead are using the perpetual rotation of the Earth to generate unlimited energy with a device we call The Core, which sits below the Earths surface. Automatons and humans live together in harmony, the robots are responsible for much of the manual labor. Without warning a giant ship appears over the earth and begins to drain the energy from The Core and have taken control of it. The robots stop working, factories are ground to a halt, most electronics no longer work (but there are still some battery-powered things), and the world is in a panic.

There is an attack on the ship, but nothing comes of it. It is protected by a force field, but they are able to send an attack against us, which happens to leave us with a few remnants of Alien tech. In order to stop the Alien threat, world leaders decide to send a rag-tag team of unlikely heroes to shut down The Core from its physical space, because a soft reset won’t work with the Alien’s controlling it. The group consists of a computer hacker (Daryl), an ex special forces leader (Trent), a molecular biologist (Heather), a psychiatrist (Meghan) and two dogs (Milly and Philly).

There are press conferences with people asking if this is a joke, if this team is really ready (which people can hear through their PBS funded crank radios) (yes PBS still exists in 2245). There is a whole training montage where Trent is getting the troupes ready. It’s lightly comical. During the final briefing before the mission Trent is examining the recovered alien tech and when he touches it gets a flash of the alien mind. He sees that if they reboot the core the aliens have a plan to come back and that the threat won’t be eliminated but only kept at bay for a while.

They find an old digger machine that runs on gasoline, they break into a science lab and steal the last remaining amounts of gas on earth, only enough for a one way trip to The Core. Daryl is trying to interfere with the alien transmissions to keep them hidden, Meghan is making sure that everyone is sane and obviously has a thing for Trent (who obviously has a thing for Daryl), and Heather is watching the inner atmosphere of beneath the surface. Milly and Philly are chillin, being dogs.

As they start to get closer to The Core there is strange interference with their own systems and computers. Daryl is powerless to stop it and there is now an alien presence underground, albeit it an electrical alien presence. They are actually projecting themselves as lightning type monsters and attacking the ship. Trent heads out with two Akimbo P90s because he was a fan of retro military shooters and tries to take out the threat but is unable to, luckily Milly comes outside with an EMP in mouth and the threat is quiet for now.

They continue on and reach The Core. Trent tells everyone what he saw. Meghan says he’s insane and they just need to restart The Core. The dogs disagree and shake their heads at her. Everyone else is on board and know what has to be done. Meghan goes crazy and takes the guns and says they’re not going to blow both themselves up and the power for the world. Trent asks what choice they have and since they’re not going to make it back to the surface anyway with no gas left, they might as well save Earth. Meghan shoots Trent dead, the other two are in complete shock. They pled with her to put the guns down when another alien attack happens, using the corpse of Trent the aliens kill Daryl. Heather and Meghan each take a gun and firing into the corpse, as the aliens also resurrect Daryl for use. When the dogs come out, they jump and attack the two of them, Milly is killed but is not reanimated. Philly grabs an EMP and sets it off, but not in enough time before Heather is killed. Now Meghan is alone, the electro aliens are no longer around and she sits next to the core. Philly comes back with a stick of C4 in her mouth. And starts nudging Meghan with her nose. Meghan sets up the C4 on a timer, then sits down in the rig with Philly and pets her as she waits for the countdown to reach zero.

The core explodes and the shockwave of a total release of energy also blows up the Alien ship. No more energy means that people need to start thinking about how they can get the world back to what it was. The world than honors the memories of all that were in the ship, and even the dogs are awarded the Platinum Heart of Service, which they make up for this occasion and is the highest honor possible ever.

THE END

Post credits! The rig shoots up out of the earth where it was digging, with Philly and Meghan still ok. They step out and walk around in this new old world they have created.

(This one was pretty normal/The Core, right?)

I was talking to Russ about this yesterday, and we both loved this trailer. The first movie was great, and this definitely doesn’t look like just a retread. The puns killed me.

Cobweb Blvd

Jimmy steps off the bus and throws his bag over his shoulder. He sighs and looks around to find his father behind the wheel honking to get his attention. The two talk in the car about Jimmy’s life in the city and how his new job is going. He is thankful that Jimmy could come home for his mother’s birthday. Jimmy says no problem because a lot of other people are actually back in town, that they will be hanging out on Cob Blvd like old times. “Stacey will be around too” says his dad. Jimmy just shakes off the comment.

We cut to Jimmy visiting with his mother, who is bed ridden with some unnamed condition. They chat and she mentions Stacey is back around and he groans at her as we hear his dad yell, from the other room, that he already told him. Jimmy heads upstairs to his old room and rummages around picking up an old prom photo of him and Stacey. Out the window he sees a cab pull up to the house next door and a beautiful girl exits, it is Stacey. He turns out the other window and we see it faces a girl’s room.

His dad stands at the door and catches him watching. He walks over to Jimmy and picks up a marker board. He talks about how him and Stacey, since they were kids were best friends. They would write messages to each other even though they spent all day together. Jimmy tries to ignore him and his dad says that the whole neighborhood was happy when they got together, how it was meant to be. Jimmy replies, “Apparently not.”

Later that night he heads out to the center of town and stops at the street sign for the Blvd. Someone has vandalized the sign to read “Cobweb Blvd.” He heads into a bar and is greeted by a few people: his old friend Tyler and wife Kristen who’s new baby at home with a grandparent, Kelly who is lives in the same city that Jimmy does though they don’t hang out, and their buddy Eric who is home from the army.

The group reminisces and laughs. They drink and play old songs on the jukebox and sing obnoxiously. Eric keeps going to the bathroom. Tyler and Kristen won’t stop trying to share baby pictures. Kelly is a bit standoffish to Jimmy. They talk about how busy they are but should really hang out back “home.” She then mentions that Stacey is coming soon. Everyone goes silent.
She arrives and it is a bit strange. She moved to Europe for work after college. Tyler and Kristen say they need to go home for the baby, who everyone just HAS to meet at some point. Eric makes a strange comment. They ignore it as Eric again goes to the bathroom. Kelly announces that she is sorry but has to go get her sister from the airport.

Jimmy and Stacey get weird sitting alone but then someone grabs her shoulder. Brett was once the quarterback of the high school football team but clearly isn’t doing to well. He hits on Stacey who brushes him off and Jimmy tries to step in. Brett says he didn’t think he would care since Stacey left him after he proposed and ran away to Europe. He pushes Jimmy to the ground. Eric runs up and just destroys Brett. Jimmy pulls him off and as they get him out of the bar he breaks down. A bottle of pills pops out of his pocket. He was sneaking off to the bathroom to take them all night. He’s out of his mind and says war has ruined him.

Stacey and Jimmy take him home and things get more awkward. He suggests they go see Tyler’s baby. They pull up to the house but can see in the window the couple fighting. They are just screaming at each other. She throws things at him as he punches a wall. They can actually hear the baby from their car crying.

He drives them home and she says something about not wanting to end up like that and Jimmy snaps. He brings up all their old shit about her running away. They fight and fight. She says she wasn’t ready and he shouldn’t have pressured him. He says his entire life was building up for her. She screams about how unfair that is. They fight some more and she starts to cry. He hugs her and they pause for a moment looking at each other. He kisses her. She kisses him back for a moment before shoving him away. Slaps him and walks inside.

He goes to his house and passes by his mother’s room. She calls to him as he says she should be asleep. She laughs and tells him to sit down. She makes a joking comment about being old and he says she looks great. She gives a huge speech along the lines of

“Everything gets old son. Some things sit and collect dust, some rust, others shrivel up. There are a few things that just get better, like a fine wine, or a mother’s love for her son. Those few special things stay strong and beautiful. Those things that fade weren’t all necessarily bad, they just weren’t worth eternity. You know spiders pick very carefully were to spin their webs. They pick somewhere that isn’t alive, that won’t be disturbed by anything that isn’t going to be trapped to die. You see cobwebs, son, you head in the other direction.”

He kisses her goodnight and heads upstairs. Picks up the marker board and writes “I’m sorry.” Lays down shuts off the light

The End

Tramp Stamp Collector

We open on the bloodshot eye-ball of a victim, Lindsay. She appears to have just woken up and starts to look around. She is beaten, bloodied and wearing a bikini. The room she is in has a very cold, steal feel about it, similar to something you would find in the Saw series. Just to drive that point home, as we pull out from Lindsay’s frame we see the bodies of multiple girls, all of similar ages, laying dead on the floor. Some decapitated bodies, etc, smash cut to the title screen.

This next portion of the movie is shot like a found footage film. It shows Lindsay and all of her friends, the dead ones at the beginning, alive and happy and headed on their spring break trip to Cancun. It’s really a whole video diary that Lindsay is doing because she is quirky. It has her waking up, packing, picking up a couple of her friends, them at the airport, them sleeping on the plane and playing jokes on one another. At one point one of the other girls steals the camera and they start playing jokes on Lindsay, all in good fun and no one ever becomes agitated. They arrive, have a very weird cab driver conversation on the way to the hotel, and the girls continue to talk about the weird conversation afterwards.

They have a few different rooms at the hotel and decide they need to get ready to go to the pool. At the pool they are all drinking and having a good time, they meet some guys and that night a couple of the girls hook up with the guys. Lindsay is filming and has a comedic moment where every time she walks into a room with the camera people are having sex in the room, it happens about 4 or 5 times.

Lindsay is at her computer looking at the footage and one of the other girls is holding the camera and says something like “so why do I have to hold the camera right now?” And Lindsay explains that she keeps seeing the same figure in the background of all the shots. It’s a creepy, weird-looking masked person.

They go out the next night with some of the guys they met the night before to some remote location near a lake in the middle of the woods. There is a tire swing and everything. People are skinny dipping, drinking, smoking pot, things that people probably do when on a vacation with friends. There is a crazy malfunction with the tire swing, the rope breaks and one of the guys goes flying into some rocks and dies. Everyone starts to freak out, the guys decide to go and get some help while the girls stay there. Lindsay notices the weird masked man and starts to scream. He disappears and all of the girls get really freaked out. They start to run away, Lindsay drops the camera and we see her run off into the distance, we see the masked man take the camera, look into it and turn it off.

We now find ourselves with Lindsay in the murder room. Along with the dead girls we also see most of the guys all there and dead, as well as the cab driver. Lindsay hears some footsteps coming towards the room, she thinks quickly and finds a splintered bone then hides behind the door. When the masked man comes in she stabs him in the leg, kicks him over and runs out of the room. She finds herself in the woods again and starts to run until she hits an invisible barrier. She’s dumbfounded and can’t figure out what to do. As she is feeling around the wall for something that could be a latch we see the splintered bone from earlier before rip right through her mouth as she dies.

The masked man behind her takes off his mask and ends up being one of the people working at the hotel. He gets on an intercom and says something to the effect of “we almost had it this time, send in the next subjects.” We then see on the other end another one of the hotel workers hitting a button and a whole clone factory can be seen with multiple versions of Lindsay and her friends. “Starting test number 458,” the hotel worker says as she pushes a button labeled START.

THE END.

I kinda love this picture of the Mandarin. There was some controversy over the casting of Ben Kingsley as the Mandarin because of racial issues, which is understandable. It is worth pointing out that the Mandarin character itself is pretty racist. Regardless, it looks like they are trying to build a unique character. A commenter named Nicholas Slayton at Slashfilm had this to say:

“They said the Mandarin basically collects warrior symbols from different cultures and re appropriates them in a twisted way. US army camo pants and boots. Chinese robes. A samurai topknot. Captain American-type helmet. OBL-style beard. Tony’s (or maybe Killian’s?) glasses. Very twisted idea that kind of works.”

I think he is mostly right on and points out a lot of details that I had missed, though it is more likely that the helmet is a UN helmet, not a Captain American-type helmet.

Via SlahFilm

The White Wolf

We open with some establishing shots of a Jungle. We cut to a bumbling character. He is wearing a pith helmet and looking very out of place. He is scared and is making way too much noise. In what is supposed to be a tension filled scene, we see a panther slowly stalk the character. The panther lunges at him and we hear a gunshot go off. Emerging from the wilderness dramatically is a hunter. The camera cuts to the dead panther, then cuts to the opening credits.

We cut to a close up of the same panther, but it is stuffed, the camera pulls out and we see a huge room filled with taxidermied big game. The hunter sits on a throne of ivory looking bored. His name is Viggo. The bumbling character walks in carrying tea, his name is Woodrow. Woodrow places the tea in front of Viggo and goes to examine the stuffed panther.

Woodrow “A fine trophy sir, but maybe next time don’t let it get so close to me…”

Viggo “Eh, it was easy. I’ve hunted every type of game there is and nothing has been a challenge. I need something new, something no one has been able to hunt before”

Woodrow “You don’t mean… *gulp* .. people”

Viggo “No you idiot! I mean something so rare that people don’t even think it exists”

Woodrow “What, like bigfoot or something”

Viggo “Or something, find me all the information there is about rare animal sightings”

In a montage Viggo does research to figure out what animal he wants to hunt. He finally finds what he is looking for.

Viggo and Woodrow are on a plane and they have a long expositional conversation. Viggo is going to a small Scottish village to hunt the “pale wolf”. Legend has it that there is an enormous albino wolf living in the countryside. There are supernatural stories about men turning into the wolf.

When they land there is the obligatory scene of Viggo and Woodrow going to stay in a bed and breakfast and the townspeople warning them to stay away from the pale wolf because it will change them. Of course they don’t listen and they set out to find the animal.

Viggo tracks a wolf pack across the countryside with Woodrow tailing. Viggo thinks that the pack is just over the hill in front of them and tells Woodrow to stand back. Viggo approaches slowly and looks down to see the pale wolf in the middle of a pack. He freezes and the wolf begins to approach him. He raises his gun and takes aim when some supernatural stuff starts to happen.

Suddenly he isn’t looking through the scope of his gun, but he is looking at himself. He is confused and looks around at the wolves that are right next to him, then he looks down and sees that he has become the white wolf. In a silly twist, instead of being some type of werewolf (as we were meant to think), people literally become the wolf.

Viggo, as the wolf, approaches his frozen human body. he brings his paws up to poke it when Woodrow runs over the ridge shooting his gun. Startled, Viggo accidently slashes his human bodies arm and runs off.

Viggo is scared and runs off into a forest. He doesn’t know what to do so he lies down to sleep. When he wakes up he is surrounded by the rest of his pack. He is scared at first, but eventually he calms down. As you can imagine, now that he is an animal he will learn some lessons.

He learns the beauty of nature and that hunting should only be about nourishment. After an annoying amount of time, eventually the plot kicks back in. Woodrow has formed a posse to kill the pale wolf, the wolf he thinks slashed his master and put him in a coma. Viggo is now the one being hunted.

He escapes but now he is desperate. He figures that the only way things could possibly get back to normal is if he can get close to his human body. This starts a long chase scene of Viggo as the wolf runs into town causing chaos with Woodrow not far behind.

Viggo is able to break into the hospital and finds his human body. He crawls next to it just as Woodrow bursts through the door. He is about to shoot when Viggo’s human body wakes up and yells stop. In some supernatural event whose rules are never explained, Viggo is back in his human body. In a sappy speech Viggo convinces everyone to let the wolf leave the town peacefully.

Woodrow “But sir, that wolf almost killed you”

Viggo “No, on the contrary, he gave me my life back”

In the epilogue Viggo uses his great wealth and privilege to help the environment.

The End

Anyway…

Good Cop, Dad Cop

Jake Hart is a newly minted detective in the NYPD.  He’s brought down some of the largest gangs in New York while working on the task force.  He’s good at what he does, and he does it by the book.  Police chief Raines likes him so much that he tells him as good as he is on the gang task force, he’d like to see him where he could more, and that’s on the drug enforcement force.  Jake is very hesitant to take the position.  He thinks he’s better served where he is, but then the chief tells him there hasn’t been a cop on the force assigned to drugs this young ever, except for FLINT HARTMAN 20 years ago.  (the screen jump cuts to Flint Harman, chomping on a cigar, blowing away bad guys left and right before ever getting any information from them, whilst laughing).  The chief says, “you should hope to be half the man Flint Hartman is.” Jake says, “I don’t have to, because I am.”

TITLE CARD: GOOD COP, DAD COP and the movie starts.

Apparently no one on the force had any idea that Jake and Flint were father and son, because despite the resemblance, Jake changed his last name (yes these are detectives but whatever).  So Chief Raines after finding out they are related decides to make them partners.  Neither is happy about this because they both work alone, but then Flint comes around and realizes it’ll be a chance for him to spend some time with his son.  We don’t know a lot about their backstory, but it’s clearly strained.  Jake grew up with his mother and his stepfather and Flint was never around because he was too busy being a hero etc etc.  Anyway they get a case where they both have to go undercover within the Dueces gang, and find out who is supplying  all of the drugs or whatever.  This new drug, U, is showing up in toxicology reports everywhere.

About a month after going undercover, in true Flint fashion, he breaks his cover and goes haywire, shooting up bad guys, and then brings in Jake for question, but not before beating the shit out of him.  He winks at Jake, and brings him to the station.  Jake flips out on his dad when they get there, and Flint says that the only way they’d buy Jakes cover is if he blew his own.  Jake doesn’t see it that way and says that mom was right about him, he lost his way years ago and now he’s just some tired old hack cop.  The chief tells Jake he’s way outta line or something, and Flint says he isn’t.  He wasn’t there for Jake, but he always thought if he could be the best cop he knew how, somewhere down the line Jake would appreciate that.  Jake says he didnt.  He leaves the station broken and heads back to the Deuce’s hide out.  He tells them that that scumbag cop was dirty and all he had to do was cut him in on their next deal and he’d let bygones be bygones.  The 2nd in command of the gang Flacko doesn’t trust Jake, but the leader Pencil does, so they decide to have Jake broker the entire deal, and just to be on the safe side, Flacko wants Jake to try the U, so he knows he’s down for the cause.  Jake having always been a good cop, doesn’t want to take the drugs cause it’ll compromise his ability to do his job, but this time his cover is on the line, and right as he’s about snort the U, Flint comes flying through the window firing two guns at the same time.  He makes a corny joke about no son of his is going to do drugs and they go back to back shooting everyone.  Pencil runs away, and they chase him.  Flacko catches up to them and he and Flint have a knockdown dragout fight while Jake chases Pencil, who’s running away with the drugs.  Jake catches him and tells him to freeze.  Pencil turns around and says some stuff about how he treated Jake like a son.  He was never going to let Flacko take over. Jake was smarter than that.  Always thinking big picture etc etc.  He says something along the lines of don’t turn your back on your father, and Jake says I wont, before shooting Pencil in the head.  He falls off the building and the drugs with him, but not before Flint jumps through another window, catches the drugs and falls onto a van.

The next scene is Jake helping Flint up and walking him back to the station.  He makes jokes about his dad being a little too old for this, and Flint fires back the exact opposite joke about Jake being a little too young.  Then they walk back into the station and everyone stands and cheers for them and Raines says “like father, like son” and Flint corrects him and says “like son, like father” (which makes no sense at all).  Raines debriefs them and tells Jake that it’s great work, but the drug beat in NY is always gonna be like that.  If he wants out now is the time. Jake says no, and Flint says “that’s my boy” and everyone starts laughing.

Movie Over.

The Academy Awards are only a few days away, so it’s time you hear the REAL winners from us, the Movie Movie Podcast. Spoiler: Lockout wins EVERYTHING (double spoiler: that’s not true). Oh right, we talk about the new Die Hard too. Join Alex, Russ, Peter and myself as we share our opinions about the nominees for the 85th Academy Awards and very quickly say some shit about A Good Day to Die Hard. Recorded on February 20th 2013.

It looks like Kitsch may have learned his lesson as he’s taking some different roles in 2013.  We’ve reported on the others, so I wont get into them, but he recently signed on to play the villain in Exit 147.  It is written by Travis Malloy, who wrote the underrated Pandorum, and will be directed by Julian Jarrold, of Kinky Boots and the forever-in-my-netflix-queue’s Red Riding trilogy.  Based on the talent behind the camera, I think Kitsch might be able to play a small town sheriff who terrorizes a man who gets stuck in the town.  Or maybe he can’t, but I think this is a much safer role, and a much smaller film, so that even if it’s a giant failure it’s not a historically epic one.

We’ll see!

p.s. This might be my 5th Taylor Kitsch post.  I just like the guy

Mirror Image

Some high school, Middle America. Stacey is completely uncool. Half of the time it seems like there is no reason for it. Her friend Heather is extraordinarily popular with everyone. When Heather is in a group of people, Stacey will just leave them be and maybe wave. Heather’s friends will always make fun of Stacey, but Heather defends her though she won’t stop hanging out with those people. Stacey is a brunette, short, stocky, with curly hair, acne, glasses and brown eyes. Heather is a medium height blonde with pale blue eyes, straight hair and perfect complexion.

When Stacey and Heather hang out, they are like too peas in a pod. They both love all the same movies, food, stores etc. Stacey thinks that Heather is gorgeous and still stare at her adoringly from time to time.

In Stacey’s room, on her mirror and all over the room there are pictures of Heather, or of her and Heather. She will spend time brushing her hair and looking at the picture of Heather. Sometimes she talks to it and asks advice to the picture, which she also responds to in a different voice.

One night Heather is out on a date that goes pretty bad, and while walking home calls Stacey to complain to her. Heather is a bit tipsy from the date. Stacey goes out to meet her and they go tot heir favorite malt shoppe (that’s a thing right?) and hang out and talk. They walk home, Heather has her arm around Stacey and on the way stumbles for a step. They look into each others eyes and kiss. They both smile about it and Stacey helps Heather home and then walks back to her house.

The next day in school Stacey is all happy, and goes looking for Heather who is in a group of people. Stacey tries to jump in on the conversation but everyone, even Heather, is not responsive to her. Stacey is hurt and confronts Heather later. Heather at first denies that anything happened. Stacey finally gets her to admit it but Heather tells Stacey it was a mistake what happened and maybe they should spend time apart.

Stacey even more crushed than before runs home crying, for whatever reason there are no parents involved anywhere at any time. She goes to the mirror and just weeps even more. She then becomes very calm. She bleaches and cuts her hair, straightens it out, takes off her glasses and reinvents herself completely. The next day at school no one recognizes her at all and people start talking to her like she’s one of the cool kids. Heather’s group of friends all migrate over to Stacey, and they all start to see how cool she actually is. Heather, crushed from lack of popularity, starts spreading rumors throughout the school about Stacey being diseased and a lesbian. People start to shun her again and Stacey, now having tasted the popularity she craved for so long, is more depressed than ever.

She tells Heather they have to talk, and they both meet up at their favorite malt place. Stacey already has the drinks ready when Heather finally gets there. They chat for a bit and Stacey asks Heather why she spread all the rumors around about her. Heather says jealousy. Stacey smiles, then starts to laugh and says, “I’ve been waiting my whole life to hear that,” and then walks out. Heather is left sitting by herself and doesn’t leave for a long time. She starts feeling woozy and eventually passes out and dies from the poison in her drink. Stacey goes to a wheat field and lays down in the middle of the field waiting for death.

Stacey reappears in her room, looking in the mirror again. She is brushing her hair with the picture of Heather stuck to them mirror like it always has been, starring at it when you stops. She takes the picture of Heather down and throws it into the trash bin next to her. She continues to brush her hair and slowly comes to a stop. She puts the brush down, smiling as she looks into the mirror. She places her hand on the mirror and passes right through it, she enters the mirror world, picks up the mirror brush and staring into the camera starts to brush her hair again. She places the mirror brush on the mirror desk and walks out of the mirror door out of her mirror room.

THE END

According to Latino Review Harrison Ford will be back as Han Solo in the J.J.’s Star Wars movie. There seems to be a lot of cynicism over the news with people bringing up Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. I get where they are coming from, but I think this could totally work. I’m all for bringing back Luke, Leia, and Han, with two reservations. One, they have to be mindful of what, as Devin Faraci calls it, “small universe crap”. That is, it seems like the universe revolves around the Skywalker family. And two, they have to kill off Luke, Leia or Han. It would give this new trilogy emotional weight, and allow the story to continue forward without being tied to much to the original trilogy. Just like Qui-Gon Jinn in Episode I and Obi-Wan in Episode IV, someone should die in this movie.

Via Latino Review

The rumor is that Jason Momoa has been cast as Drax in James Gunn’s Guardians of the Galaxy. This seems like dead on casting to me based. My only reservation is I really only know him from Game of Thrones, so I haven’t really seen him speak English… I’m not too worried because critics seemed to like him in Bullet in the Head, and from my recollection of the comic, Drax wasn’t overly chatty. If this turns out to be true, it would be in keeping with Marvel’s track record of giving actors their first really big break.

Via Slash Film

The other day Tigs randomly gchatted me asking for ideas for titles of emo songs, and after coming up with a few I came up with this title. I liked it so much I decided to make it a movie. But the movie’s not emo at all, it’s pretty fun. So here goes:

The Dinosaurs are Extinct and So Is Love

The movie opens with some shots of dinosaurs. It’s prehistoric times, and there is a tribe of cavespeople who lives among the dinosaurs. It’s a very gender-traditional community, with the men doing most of the hunting and the women doing all of the gathering and child care. They have a pretty extensive network of caves, with some tunnels connecting them that the men have spent years carving out so they can easily escape dinosaurs in a pinch. The caves are pretty well stocked with food and animal hides and stuff, and the tribe is flourishing.

One day as the tribe is sitting outside around the fire, we hear a roar off in the distance. Everyone gets ready to run to the caves. All of a sudden a woman comes sprinting out of the forest with a t-rex crashing close behind her. They motion for her to follow as they run off to the caves, but as she’s running she trips and the t-rex starts catching up. Just as he’s about to chomp her face off, a guy grabs her and they run off, just missing getting eaten. They dive into a cave and sit panting for a minute, realizing they’re both alive and fine. They look up at each other and freeze, sparks fly. She thanks him and introduces herself, they both smile shyly. She explains that she was separated from her tribe a while back, and he offers for her to stay with them. He’s a leader of the group and she agrees to stay. The guy is obviously happy, and they smile at each other and nervously look away. They’re sitting next to each other and eventually she falls asleep with her head on his shoulder.

In the morning they wake up and go to rejoin the others. The men get ready to go off, and the guy explains that she’ll stay here with the woman. She’s super confused, since In her old tribe everyone pitched in however they wanted and she was an excellent hunter. The guy makes a joke about a woman’s place and the confusion and anger shows on her face. She settles in for the time being but she’s annoyed that she’s been limited to gathering. She gets along with the women, but eventually she becomes antsy for adventure. The women are intrigued by her stories because they never even thought about it.

Later on they talk to their husbands, and most of them are cool with the idea of dividing responsibilities up differently until the leader guy shoots it down. The new woman is pretty pissed at his arrogance, and shuts down his advances later on since he doesn’t respect her as a hunter. Eventually she convinces the women that they should learn how to hunt, and they go off in a group alone while the men are off hunting. On their way back, there’s a raptor attack and they all have to retreat to the caves. The men, who realized that the woman weren’t at home and had started to go out looking for them, take cover too in the opposite side of the cave network. As they’re all diving into the caves to escape the raptors, there’s a streak of bright light across the sky and all of a sudden, a meteorite strikes the earth.

Since all of the people had moved deep into the caves, the two separate bands survived the impact. However, part of the underground path has collapsed and the two groups are separated. It’s not safe to go out yet, and they remain forced underground for months until the dust settles. They have enough provisions to get by, but it’s tough. Finally the women emerge from the cave, dirty and ragged, but alive. Most of the plants and animals are gone, the dinosaurs are all extinct, and much of the ground is covered in ash. They set to gathering what little they can, the new woman teaches the rest to hunt, and slowly they start rebuilding their little community. There’s no trace of the men for ages, and the women start giving up hope that they’ll ever see them again.

One day the women are all in hunting position, and the new woman has a rabbit in her sights. As she pulls back her bow to shoot, the rabbit falls over with another arrow in its side. The rest of the women behind her stand up, confused as none of them shot it. The guy leader emerges from the trees, with most of the other men behind him. The pair lock eyes, surprised and wary. They hold their gaze for a minute, and then both shake their heads, smiling.

CREDITS.

Valentine’s Day Massacre

Movie opens with 2 people fucking.

They are going at it totally hot, and then a dude opens the door and they yell at him to leave. The woman, Grace, yells at her boyfriend, Todd, about his weird roommate Terrance. She hates him for being a weirdo. Todd says don’t worry they will be off for Valentine’s Day weekend and away from him soon enough.

Todd is packing and asks Terrance what his plan for the weekend is. Terrance says he’ll probably lie around and play video games. Todd tells him he should get out more. Terrance ignores him.

Todd leaves the apartment and is jumped by Roger. It’s a bit of a jump scare but they are friends. Roger’s bitchy girlfriend yells from the car. Todd makes a face and mentions he can’t wait to spend the weekend with Tiffany. Roger jokes about how the sex makes up for the lack of conversational chemistry between him and Tiffany. He’ll be dumping her after the weekend.

They pick up Grace and head to the cabin. They meet up with Sam and Diane outside (I’m running low on naming power). The six enter the cabin and pick rooms. They all have sex with their respective partners and meet up back in front of the fire that night. Diane is not there, and Sam says he must have tired her out a bit too much. They drink and no one notices how long Diane has been missing. Tiffany goes to open a closet door and Diane’s dead body falls out.

They all freak out. They start pointing fingers and try to figure out who could have done it. Tiffany blames Sam of course and he backs away from the group has everyone starts realizing it had to be him. As he tries to tell them he didn’t it. A crash is heard as an arrow flies through the window and into Sam’s head. It sticks out is eye as he looks at them saying, “What? It wasn’t me!”

He falls over dead and they all run into on of the bedrooms. They shutter the window and huddle on the floor. Tension is broken a bit when Todd realizes he is sitting on Roger’s used condom. He tosses it away as the window explodes inward. They run out as someone is climbing into the room. The assailant who grabs her hair and cuts her throat stops Tiffany. Roger turns and tackles him telling the others to run as he is stabbed in the back.

Grace and Todd run to their car and drive off. Grace is freaking out and Todd tries to calm her down saying they will be fine, they will get to the police. They are rammed by another car and tumble off the road. Todd wakes up tied to a chair back in the cabin. Grace is on the floor in front of him. He screams to her, but she is unresponsive. He prods her with his food to try and stir her and her head rolls away. A figure comes into the room and Todd yells at the mysterious stranger. The man removes his hood to show it is Terrance. Todd asks why he is doing this and Terrance just laughs. He was tired of having all of them flaunt their love in their face. Everyone things they are so much better than him. He approaches Todd and cuts off his ear.

Todd screams that he’s going to kill Terrance. Terrance once again laughs but tackled by a still alive Roger. The two fight as Todd attempt to escape his binds. Roger is over powered by Terrance and is killed, but Todd is free and beats Terrance with a lamp. He stumbles out of the cabin.

Fade out and back in. Todd sits in a mental hospital terrified of everyone around him. A doctor tells him that he is making good progress. Todd says it is Valentine’s Day again and is scared. The doctor says he has nothing to fear. Todd will be released soon and even got some mail. He opens one of the letters. It has a large heart on the front.

He opens it and it reads- Mine never stopped beating. I won’t stop until yours lays still in my hand, Terrance.

Shortly after the announcement that Days of Future Past will be shot natively in 3D, word has it that Peter Dinklage has been cast in the new X-Men movie. Everyone’s first guess is Puck (well, I didn’t guess Puck, I have to admit I’d never heard of him), but Devin has some interesting theories about who he could be playing. I don’t totally buy it, but it would be great if Dinklage was playing a motion captured CG character. Whatever the case, Days of Future Past is getting more interesting by the minute…

via Ain’t It Cool

Danny Boyle is one of the most interesting directors working today because every movie he makes is totally different from the one before. I wasn’t blown away by the Green Band trailer that came out a little bit ago, but this Red Band trailer is nuts. Definitely give this one a watch.

It was a great year for movies. I didn’t have a problem finding 20 movies that I loved this year, and there was a bunch of flicks that were great the didn’t quite make my list (i.e. Dredd). I waited so long to make the list because I wanted to see as many movies as I could, but I still couldn’t see everything (I’m most bummed about missing Wreck It Ralph). But out of what I was able to see, here are 20 of my favorites:

20. The Comedy
19. The Raid
18. Seven Psychopaths
17. Killer Joe
16. Searching for Sugarman
15. Paul Williams Is Still Alive
14. Lincoln
13. Looper
12. Cloud Atlas
11. Silver Linings Playbook

10. Moonrise Kingdon
9. American Scream
8. Django Unchained
7. Argo
6. The Hobbit
5. Amour
4. Cabin in the Woods
3. The Avengers
2. Paranorman
1. The Master

10. Dredd
9. Looper
8. Django Unchained
7. Cloud Atlas
6. Silver Linings Playbook
5. The Avengers
4. American Scream
3. Moonrise Kingdom
2. The Raid
1. Cabin in the woods

Where’s the Spinach?

Farmer Tom Mallot wakes up one morning and heads out of bed. He walks past his ribbons and trophies for best spinach, best farm, and handsomest farmer in Ebbeton. He goes out onto the porch and finds a pie with a note with a heart from a local woman. He puts it in the fridge with a number of different pies with notes from different women. He stands on the porch looking out at his spinach field, admiring it.

He goes into town and everyone waves to him. He eats at the diner and people fight to sit at the counter next to him. He ignores the women of the town who hit on him. He sits laughing until we see a pretty red head walk by. He runs out and three other farmers offer to pay his tab. He chases the woman down. Her name is Jesse and Mallot is in love with her but she doesn’t seem impressed. She not a bitch or anything, just simple and doesn’t care for his flash. He’s a likable Gaston and she’s a less stuck up Belle.

She jokes about how much he loves his farm almost as much as he loves himself. He laughs it off and asks her out for the 100th time. She says no, she can’t be third place. He heads home and tends his field. Eats a small meal alone and goes to sleep. Camera pans down out the window into a rabbit emerging from a hole in the ground. Jesse calls and says she will go on ONE date with him.

Mallot wakes up the next morning and passes by his trophies down the stairs and out onto the porch to look at his field. All the spinach is gone. He screams and runs into the field. He looks ahead and sees a rabbit. He runs for it as it disappears underground. He turns and there is another one. Chases it as it disappears. He turns again and another, and another. He realizes the rabbits have surrounded him. He runs back into the house.

He goes into town to figure something out. Everyone looks at him differently as the talk goes around that he has lost his crop. He buys traps and weapons and heads home to wage war on the rabbits. Mishaps galore! He destroys his barn and his tractor. Jesse visits him to make sure he is ok after he missed the date and he seems crazy. She yells about how his spinach isn’t even there and she is still number 3.

She leaves and he goes nuts. He tries to attack the rabbits again and ends up destroying his house. He yells into the air and breaks down. The rabbits come up to him and lay on him. He begins to laugh, walks over to the ruined barn and grabs some tools and begins to rebuild.

We flash forward and he runs a rabbit farm. Selling them to pet stores and giving them to children’s hospitals for pets. Jesse shows up and he tells her that he loves her. That he was an idiot before and she’ll always be number one. They kiss.

Jump again and Mallot wakes up. He wakes past what was once the line of trophies and there are pictures of him and Jesse. He steps out onto the porch and stands ready to survey the field. He smiles and the camera turns to show her. He only looks at her, admiring only her.

Fever Dream Monsters

Rachel has just moved into a small, pastoral, midwestern town. Very few of the other towns folk like her, and she’s not incredibly likable anyway. She very standoffish and stands out even more because of her all black, goth appearance. She opened up a tattoo parlor there, Evil Ink, in hopes to freak out some citizens and attract others. Which it does. The small fan base she has are other outcasts from the town, and mostly younger than Rachel. She seems to attract the high school emo kids and those coming back from college.

The towns people believe her to be wicked and don’t like some of the sounds and sights coming from her store after-hours and hold a town meeting about it .The kids who go there also head to defend her. There is a huge witch hunt type scene that ends with the towns people being shamed for thinking so outrageously.

Rachel thanks the kids when they are hanging out and then also offers them a drug called “trev” which some of the kids take immediately.

There are some crazy scenes in very dark wooded areas, with a very weird fish eye lens type thing going on. All of the kids who took trev are in the scene and they are eventual tracked down by some crazy ass monster with green glowing eyes, standing 8 feet tall. All of the kids wake up from their trip before anything happens. They all also seem to become addicts afterwards and are constantly looking for more.

The drug starts making it way around, people saying it’s like nothing else they’ve ever experienced before. It runs rampant through the streets and some of the college kids start to bring some over to their campus’, but we don’t see any after effects from that (until after the credits!).

Anyway kids keep taking it and having nightmares, eventually one of the kids dies from this. And after that a whole rash of this starts happening. When people go to confront Rachel they see some shady people leaving her place and everyone gets scared.

Meanwhile more people have died, the dreams are getting crazier now and seem to be taking place no longer in this storage dream like world but in the actual town now. The kids get scared and go to confront Rachel, come hell or high water.  The peak into the shop and there are a bunch of people in robes having some weird ceremony. One of the people in robes pops up in front of them and scares them all, then takes them inside.

They tie down one of the kids and put him up as a sacrifice to Satan, because these people are revealed to be Satanists. The go through with the ritual and bring the beast demon into the real world. The beast immediately kills the Satanists and the kids run.

The beast tear asses through town and the townsfolk all rally together to defat it. It’s kind of like the beast from The Relic. Anyway, they trick it, trap it and burn it eventually and everyone is happy. The burn down Evil Ink as well and become a much crazier and more close knit community, but they shun all outsiders and as people try to come to the town they chase them all out. They start to question one another and the town starts to fight itself. Finally there is no one left and just a mess of carnage.

THE END

During the credits: we see kids at some college taking the drugs! The cycle continues!

We made it through the January lull and now we’re knee deep in the February slump! The year can only get better from here, right? Right!?!?! Join Peter, Russ, Alex and myself as we play good cop / bad cop with Bullet to the Head, leave Warm Bodies for dead and discuss our favorite Super Bowl trailers (spoiler: Fast 6 is best). Recorded on February 6th 2013.

Chris Pratt will be starring as the half-human lead in the weird Marvel space-epic, Guardians of the Galaxy.  Apparently every single white male on earth tested for this part, and at no point did Chris Pratt’s name come up, but he’s an inspired choice.  He’s the funniest guy in nearly everything he’s in, most girls seem to think he’s awesome (he is), and he did his “serious” turn in Zero Dark Thirty as a badass army dude, so I think this will work out really well.

I don’t know who is overseeing a lot of the casting decisions at Marvel, but they are crushing it.  They don’t break the bank on any actors, but they get people who’ll become stars and wrap them into 4-6 picture deals before their asking price skyrockets.

Smart. Smart. Smart.

James Gunn directing and Chris Pratt starring in a Marvel Space Action Film? Win.

I only had one tiny issue with the spot:  Why call it Fast and Furious 6?  You’ve created an illogical mess of titling these films over the years, so why go so basic now?  I never thought a franchise could mess names up more than Rambo:

1. First Blood

2. Rambo: First Blood Part 2

3. Rambo III

4. Rambo

The Fast franchise looked at Rambo and decided to get even stupider.  Lets look back at these titles and laugh for a minute:

1. The Fast and The Furious – nothing wrong with this one.  It’s a great title and lets you know what you’ll be in for.

2. 2 Fast 2 Furious – THE GREATEST TITLE IN HISTORY.  It lets you know this is going to be double the stupidity, and double the other stuff you’d like doubled, but it now comes before the first film if you like alphabetizing.

3. The Fast and The Furious: Tokyo Drift – this is a spinoff sidequel, so I really don’t have an issue with this title, but it’ll get hairy later on.  This is technically the last film in the Fast chronology.

4. Fast and Furious – All they did was drop THE from the titles and thats ok!?!? They didn’t even call it Fast and FOURious.  Just dropped a few the’s and called it a day.

5. Fast Five – This title is perfect, cause it’s simple. It’s the 5th Fast movie, so it’s Fast Five.

Up to this point however, I don’t think any of the titles would even be consecutive in a DVD rack.  Now we’re getting

6. Fast and Furious 6 – which yes, I get that it’s the 6th Fast film, but theres only one film up to this point called Fast and Furious, and it’s the 4th film.  So this should technically be Fast and Furious 2

Or you call it Fast 6 cause it’s the 6th Fast movie.  Because it’s definitely not Fast and Furious 6.  Also yes there are 6 Fast movies, but if you take chronological order into account, this would be the 5th film, because Tokyo Drift is the last one.  Or just call it Furiou6

Anyway you slice it, I feel like JJ Abrams and Damon Lindelof have something to do with the titles of these films.  I do hope however that the 7th and final film is titled Furious.  Just Furious. No one would see that coming.

I’ll be the midnight screening of Fast and Furious 6 no matter what.

What we already know:

Kevin Feige has already stated that Ant-Man and Doctor Strange are part of Phase 3.  Ant-Man already has a film ready to come out after the Thanos/Cosmic heavy Phase 2 ends.  Strange I think will be a cool character to flesh out as well.  Whether or not he can hold up his own movie or not is another story.
What we are speculating:

The folks over at Latino-Review, who often nail their super early Marvel movie rumors, came out yesterday with a story that not only will the Hulk be getting his own film AGAIN in Phase 3, but he will be the lynchpin of the whole series of films!  The rumor is that because of Hulk’s extremely violent and dangerous actions (which I’m assuming will take place in Avengers 2), The Illuminati (group of marvel heroes) decide that the safest bet is to send Hulk into space, which will lead to the Phase 3 Hulk film based on Planet Hulk.  Planet Hulk is just about the only interesting thing you could do with him at this point, so if he were to get a movie, this version of Hulk I think would really lend himself to a film like this.  Hulk needs to fight things that are bigger and scarier than him, so him on a planet full of monsters sounds perfect.  Also we know that the long in development Hulk TV series has for the most part been shelved.  It is my thinking that if the Hulk wasn’t so wildly popular in Avengers, they’d continue with it, but now that people like Hulk so much, they have to give us what we want.

The best part of this in my opinion is that Avengers 3 would largely co-op the World War Hulk storyline, which was also huge and widely popular.

I really hope this happens.  I think it would be an awesome followup to Phase 2.  I’m sure they wont call the Illuminati, the Illuminati, and I’m sure they’ll be different characters plugged in, but I think this has the potential to be a gigantic success.  We know Marvel really plans ahead, so it would totally make sense that they are already working on the Phase 3 stuff.  Phase 2, outside of Guardians of the Galaxy, doesn’t really have any real risks associated with it.  But I think if that works, then we’ve been more exposed to other planets and the masses would accept a Hulk/Gladiator type movie.   Also when you consider there is a Hulk cartoon coming out this fall that has a lot of the Planet Hulk monsters on it, I bet that’s Marvels way of getting the kids used to the idea of the other monsters Hulk fights/allies with.

The only thing I’m thinking is that their World War Hulk storyline might have a little more black and white added to it, in that they might make a villain have more to do with all of it instead of just having Hulk fight all of these good guys.  I’ll leave that to the writers though.

Anyway, Ant-Man, Doctor Strange, and an increased Hulk presence, Marvel will have given me everything I want for a massive Avengers 3.  Except for Black Panther.

1. Write a fake movie. Anything goes. EXAMPLES (http://www.moviemoviepodcast.com/category/movie-movie-news/fake-movie-friday/)
2. Send it to moviemoviepodcast@gmail.com
3. We will post it.

Thus endeth the submission policies.

Welcome to the new year and what better way to start it off then a month late and with the Movie Movie Podcast! This year looks to be… well let’s just hope for the best but root for the worst. Join Alex, Pete, Russ and myself as we gush over The Last Stand and put out a hit on Gangster Squad. Weak, I know. Oh, and news. Random, right? Recorded on January 30th 2013.

The Midshipman

The movie begins with a slow empty shot of a swing set in the park. No one is in the shot, and the swing is moving slowly back and forth. Muffled screams are heard in the background.Shot fades back to black.

Lights fade back in on an older man (60s) sitting in a chair on his porch. He is watching kids play in the street as the camera pans around the neighborhood. It settles on a two mothers having a cigarette. They are talking about the old man, Mr. Brask. The parents of the neighborhood think he is a creep and they generally keep their kids away from his house.

Camera pans around again and we see a family moving into the house next to the old man. A woman is unpacking and her small son runs around. He comes up to the old man and starts to talk to him. The old man says little. The young boy, Chris, is friendly and inquisitive. His mother calls him over to help carry things.

Next day is Chris’ first day at his new school. Some of the kids tease him led by two from his block. Chris is smart but has no friends. They joke about his dad who was a sailor and died. The other kids suck. Heading back home they tease him more and don’t invite him to play football. He heads over to Mr. Brask’s place where Brask sits on the porch. Brask ignores Chris and tells him to stay away from him.

Chris heads outside and is picked on some more by the neighborhood kids. Brask watches. Later that night over dinner his mom tries to get him to talk about school but their relationship isn’t great. She starts to talk about Brask and how the other mothers say Chris should stay away from him. Chris says he thinks Mr. Brask is not a bad man and just lonely.

Next day Chris is picked on again on his way home. Brask watches again and is about to head inside. He overhears on of the other kids mention Chris’ sailor father and stops in his tracks. He yells stop and all the other kids freeze. He walks off his porch and the other kids run scared. He picks a crying Chris off the ground and walks him into the house. Chris looks around and we see naval shit all over the place. Pictures of Brask in the Royal Navy and of his family are all around.

He talks to Chris about his father and how he use to be a sailor too. Chris asks about his family and Brask says his wife and son died years ago in an accident. He’s been living alone and keeping to himself since. Chris asks him what his rank was. Brask was a Midshipman. Chris heads home.

His mom questions him again over dinner. Chris doesn’t say much so his mom continues about what she has heard about Brask and how he shouldn’t be allowed in such a young neighborhood. Chris yells and defends Brask and his mom sends him to his room.

The next day he runs home and goes right to Brask’s place. The two talk more about the sea and Chris’s problems with the neighborhood kids. The two start to bond. Chris’ mom knocks on the door and is upset Chris was there. He pulls her out. Back at their place one of the fathers of the neighborhood, who is also a cop lectures Chris about Mr. Brask. Brask has a violent past and his family is dead because he drunkenly crashed their car. He was discharged from the Navy for fighting and isn’t a good person. Chris runs to his room.

Next day Chris heads to Brasks’ place but isn’t allowed in. Chris cries and runs off. He sits in the playground on the swings and weeps. The other kids find him there and taunt him. He tries to fight them off but they over power him. They are kicking the crap out of him until Brask steps in and takes them off Chris. Brask throws a kids off and he hits his head on a rock. The others run off and we see the one kid died.

Chris is scared and the neighborhood approaches them. Brasks cries and tells Chris he is sorry, that he tried, but he has always been a monster. Chris hugs Brask before the cops take him away. Shot of the swings again, muffled cries.

The End

Night of the Gargoyles

Present day New York City, cold, blistering winds, we’re in the year 2013 but it could be 2012 for all we know. After the events or 1996, when the Manhattan Clan of Gargoyles were both outed to the human world and accepted, people have forgotten about them. The world turned on them after the events of September 11th 2001, the Gargoyles were unable to stop the terrorist attack, as it happened during the day time and they were already turned to stone at that point. There are lots of newspaper articles that flash on the screen that show people no longer trust the Gargoyles. So they went into hiding in plain sight and the people of the city, and of the world, forgot about them. Even the other clans around the world went into hiding after what happened. Ex-cop Elisa Maza has been disgraced, shunned and let go from the force with no pension all because of her hopes and beliefs in the creatures, and she believes that we need them now more than ever. Too bad she is homeless and just shouting on the sidewalks, so no one believes her. 

Demonia has been trying to bring Thailog back from the dead. His eternal slumber must be broken in order for them to once again challenge the human race as the sole rulers of the world. Demonia has been creating an army of clones, again, but she is unable to control them and needs Thailog for that.

Goliath, Broadway, Brooklyn, Bronx and Hudson are the only gargoyles who stayed in the city as everyone else ran away. They stay perched on top of the Bedford hotel never venturing far into the world and watching over the city. They keep a strict eye on Elisa just incase something happens to her. And have, infect, intervened many times when Elisa got herself into much trouble, when she falls asleep they will leave her food, but she never sees them do this but she always believes it to be them.

Demonia has tried the last thing she can think of to bring Thailog back, but no matter what she does he returns to change from stone. So she gets a new idea. She destroys the statue that he was turned into and is able to resurrect him into a new robot body, like how Coldstone was a resurrected member of the Wyvern clan in a cyborg body. With Thailog back he is able to control the clones and him and Demonia start their evil plans. Which is to take over the world, reclaim it from the humans who they believe are beneath them.

With the world no longer believing in them, Demonia is able to terrify different countries into bowing to her every whim as they are monsters to many unknowing humans. Thailog is the military general and strategist, overlooking everything. But when they take over a land, they are able to issue immediate technological black out, there are no pictures, news stories, reports, nothing. All that the rest of the world sees is darkness coming from these places.

Back in NY Elisa is on the street corner preaching about what is going on in the other countries and speculating as to what it could be, and obviously she says it’s the evil gargoyles. People do not believe her but Goliath hear’s this and starts to think about the possibilities. Demonia, if you never watched the show, is able to exist in daylight without changing into stone and decides tos troll around NYC. She watches Elisa as people do not believe her and Demonia is excited that her plan seems to be going off without a hitch. There is a big night battle where the 5 remaining Manhattan Clan are pushed out of Manhattan and take up hiding in Staten Island and Queens, where Deomnia believes it to be too toxic to live, so she doesn’t bother heading out there. That night while perched on top of some garbage pile in Staten Island Goliath starts putting together the pieces in his head and has some weird flash back that actually sets up Demonia as a co-perpetrator in the 9/11 attack on NYC.

Brooklyn heads off, sticking to the shadows so that he can travel early the morning and evening without turning to stone or being seen. Eventually he is able to find Coldstone, Nashville and Lexington, who all have ties to some other gargoyles.

Anyway there is a battle for NY, the gargoyles win, but Demonia and Thailog still control the rest of the world. Elisa is given her old job back after 3 or 4 psych evaluations and is heading up a new special forces unit, all gargoyles. They prepare for the coming battles ahead, for the sake of humanity and the world.

THE END!

Bryan Singer has even gone so far as to contact Jim Cameron (we’re close actually) to help him flesh out the rules of time-travel, and while Jim is no pro, it’s nice to see it’s being taken quite seriously.

Lastly, and what I think we’ll be an awesome touch, the film looks like it’s going to be set in 1973.  The First Class mutants will travel to the future to see that it’s shitty and stuff.  I like that it’s going be set in the 70′s cause after seeing one period comic film, I want to see more.  Also this gives Bryan Singer some time to sort of clean up continuity.  And it also could be a fun dig at Ratners Xmen film in the sense that that world got turned to Sentinel shit and now it’s up to this current First Class generation to fix  it.  Maybe this also can correct the all the lapses this world has.

My only issue at this point is that this movie sounds incredibly big and ambitious, and might be best served in two parts.  Yes I am aware the original story was only 2 issues, but this seems really big for X standards, and we know these films have issues balancing their characters as it is.

We’ll see.

The Treatment

We open on a teen standing on a rooftop in a city. Behind him we see a woman. She is crying and yelling at him- “This won’t solve it! This won’t save me!” He turns and smiles- “It’s the best plan I got, and if it does work, it will be worth it.” He jumps off the building and the camera follows him down, smiling the whole time.

The same kid, named Tyler, wakes up in bed with a start. His alarm is going off. He gets dressed and heads out the door to school. He is a loner and we see him move through is day with little interaction with others. We cut to him in his guidance counselor’s office. The counselor is telling him that is grades are middling. All the teachers say he is capable of much more but he just doesn’t seem to care.

He leaves the office and passes by the girl from the beginning. We learn her name is Beth and she is kind of popular. She smiles and waves at him. The people she is with make fun of her. Tyler leaves and heads home. On the way there he spots a flyer reading “Ever Want to Change Things?” and he takes a copy. That night his father comes home drunk and angry, yelling about how Tyler’s mom is dead.

The next day Tyler heads out to an unmarked building. He is holding the flyer in his hand as he walks in. The receptionist has him fill out some paperwork and e is brought into an examination room. A group of doctors come in and start examining him. They all go silent when an older man in a suit enters. He explains to Tyler that this is all very dangerous and that Tyler needs to be careful, that they will need to keep an eye on him after the procedure. They don’t really say what it will do to him. Just that it will make him better. They hook him up to some machines, and he falls asleep as he sees the old man in the suit plug in a vial of blood to his IV.

He wakes up as he is hit in the head with a paper airplane. The window is open and he looks at it confused. He opens it up and it reads

RUN. NOW.

He hears hushed voices in the other room saying that it all went wrong and that they need to do something about the kid. Someone tipped off the cops and they are in trouble for their illegal experiments. Tyler runs out. The older man in the suit orders some goons after him. Tyler runs and gets to an intersection. He scans the area looking for a way to go and sees a bike. On the bike is a sign that says.

Tyler! Mom’s birthday!

He approaches and finds a coded lock that opens with the birthday. He rides off. He is escaping and runs into Beth. She asks him what is wrong and he tries to explain. She laughs and offers him a ride. They talk and it seems like she likes him. She jokes that he looks awful and he pulls down the visor. A note falls into his lap and it says

LAKE HOUSE

Beth is confused and doesn’t know who put it there. Tyler says that there was a lake house that he and his family would go to before his mom died. They pull around the corner but there are a bunch of black vans and strange men around his house. He ducks down and Beth casual drives by. They go to the lake house.

Tyler says he hasn’t been in years but when they get there everything is ready for them. They talk all night and kiss by the fire. Something starts beeping. They hunt the sounds down and it is a timer attached to another note.

LEAVE, CITY NOW

They head to the car and as they pull away they see lights coming down the road behind them. CAR CHASE and Tyler totally kicks ass. They get to the city and try to figure out what to do next. There is another car following them and they ditch their car to lose them in the crowds. They run into the old man in the suit. He says, “We won’t stop following you. You are a mistake! If you don’t give in, she dies.”

Tyler grabs Beth and runs away. He sees another note on a building that reads

ROOF

They run up and we see it is the roof from the beginning. They find nothing there except some strange markings and Beth seems scared. He holds on to her and notices from this perspective that the seemingly random lines on the roof spell out another note which reads

JUMP AND THIS WILL ALL BE OVER

They go through the same scene as the beginning and he falls. This time the camera follows her and she screams. She stands there for a moment. The door behind her opens and she turns to find Tyler. He runs to her and they kiss.

We rewind back to Tyler falling and this time it buts to him waking up with a start like the beginning but he is not at home, but on the rooftop. He looks confused and goes down to the street. He sees a paper and it is the same day this all started and runs off. We see a montage of him leaving all the notes, the bike, the timer, tipping off the authorities, and finally throwing the paper airplane to wake himself up. He heads to the city. We see the old man being arrested. He runs up the stairs of the building, opens the door, and kisses Beth.

The End

Bloodied Promises

Brothers Mike and Jack have always been getting in trouble together. As kids they would play pranks on their fellow students and teachers, family members and friends. It was always the two of them vs the world. There is some scene of them as kids promising to always stick together.

Eventually the two of them start to commit crimes. They knock over some smaller shops and eventually start to knock over banks across the country. When they finally are caught neither one of them rats on the other and they both end up going to jail, but are split up.

Jack gets out first and moves on with his life, moving to another state and starting up his own business there. When Mike eventually gets out he starts committing crimes again, not getting caught and starting up his own lucrative crime syndicate.

When their mother dies both brothers show up at the funeral and start to talk, Mike tells Jack that he could really use him but Jack tells Mike he’s trying to move on with his life. Mike says he understands and they part ways.

They start to live their own lives again until Jack is pestered by local goons. Eventually it escalates enough that they destroy Jack’s shop. Jack calls up Mike and asks him if he wants to expand his crime empire. Mike and some thugs head over to where Jack is and they start a turf war with the local gangs with crazy weapons. Rocket launchers, mini guns, etc etc. Most of the neighborhood gets destroyed and leveled, leaving the two brothers as the only ones alive standing in the middle of a desolated area. They hear the sounds and see the lights of helicopters in the distance, a voice on a megaphone tells them the army are coming for them. The two pick up some weapons and start to walk towards the lights.

THE END

The Good

Episode VII will be good. No seriously, it will be. J.J. has a proven track record of making good movies, and he is capable of making a good Star Wars movie.

Episode VII will be fun. His Star Trek movie especially shows that J.J. knows how to keep a fun tone which the Star Wars franchise is in desperate need of.

Episode VII will probably have good characters, but it will certainly be well cast. J.J. was able to recast the iconic original Star Trek cast, and did some great casting (especially the child actors) in Super 8. This may be the key to the films success-Probably the biggest thing wrong with the prequels (of which there are many…) is the lack of compelling characters (hell forget characters, most of the cast didn’t even feel like human beings *cough* Hayden Christensen *cough*).

The Bad

It feels very strange that one dude will have effectively rebooted the two biggest science fiction franchises. I really hope that J.J. will be able to keep both franchises feeling separate.

Episode VII will probably not be incredible. Look at this point the Star Wars franchise, and Disney especially, needs Episode VII to be a solid movie. It makes total sense to tap J.J. for that purpose-it’s a safe choice. All of J.J.’s movies to this point have been good to very good, but none of them have incredible. A riskier director could have had the potential to make Episode VII transcendent.

The Ugly

The Bad Robot of it all. I’m not looking forward to years of damn mystery boxes and viral marketing.

Most scary of all though: Alex Kurtzman, Roberto Orci and *shudder* Damon Lindelof. Let’s keep them as far away from Star Wars as we can

Via Ain’t It Cool

Superman.

Green Lantern.

Flash.

Wonder Woman.

In 2015 when we get the Justice League movie DC and Warner Bros are desperate to get off the ground, we’ll be getting it without Martian Manhunter, Aquaman, or Hawkman.  Why? Because Warners doesn’t have enough time to shoehorn them into something.  I’m thinking a lot of their plans backfired when Green Lantern was a piece of a shit, so now they are too afraid to get these time-tested characters on screen first (a la Marvel with the Avengers).  Now they’ve pinned all of their hopes on Man of Steel being well-received so that can be the launch pad.  My advice to them: Don’t fuck this up. By the time we got Avengers we got a pretty stacked roster that is only going to expand with each subsequent film.  Why? Because Marvel did it right.  There is no shame in copying their template when BILLIONS of dollars are at stake.   Get more heroes on that team so it can really evoke that Gods of Olympus mentality the Justice League has long held.

At least get Martian Manhunter in there…

Pill Poppin’ Walkers

Mundymeo Corp is a world-wide, multi patent holding, pharmaceutical company who have been designing a new pill for ADD. The results have been spectacular in lab animal tests but they haven’t been able to do human testing… until now. They pay off some school and start to administer evaluations to students, which will always end with them diagnosing the students with a mild to severe form of ADD and telling them about an experimental new drug treatment they could opt into. 

The drug has some pretty harrowing side effects though, mostly that all the students get high as fuck off of them and show no signs of improvement or anything, but the company was able to stack the trials so full of students already doing well that they can fudge the numbers.

Anyway, the students decide to start to sell the medication and kids are doping all the time. Some students stop taking the drug all together, but keep going to the trials and selling their pills which make all the trials seem like they’re going even better than before. Mundymeo starts to make even greater dosages to give to students, and the cycle keeps revolving over and over again.

Eventually students stop waking up, laying in prolonged comas, and the parents go on a rampage. So Mundymeo starts to spike the water in the community with the drug and eventually everything cools out, but the hospitals are over run with kids in comas. And eventually parents, and then the hospital works.

Soon enough there are no one on the streets at all anymore, the town has become a ghost town and Mundymeo corp has to do something, erase whats happened. They are getting ready to wipe the town from the map when they notice that people are up and walking around again. Relieved some people go out into the streets, but they are met with intense violence.

The people watching form  the buildings see them get mauled and then dismembered by the walkers. The company starts to panic and sends out their guards, who are quickly over run by the population “waking” up. The soldiers they kill don’t return as zombies or anything like that. So the zombies come and ransack the building, people are holding up in locked rooms and just waiting. The towns people come through the ducts and floor to attack them. The should be a lot of really brutal and up close murder scenes.

The zombie like creatures start to rip through everything, but when they get to the lab with the animals they do kill many, but the ones who were also given the medication are left unharmed. The employees left realize this and decide to start popping the pills as well, which lets them be passed over by the walkers, but the dose they have been recently administering is so concentrated that they start to go into comas within minutes. Those who didn’t want to take the meds run but never make it far.

The movie ends with those employees walking around as zombies with the other ones, all fucked up with blood all over their mouths ready to devour the non-medicated.

THE END

One Step From Oblivion

Scrolling text on the screen explains the world. Aliens attacked the planet. We have been fighting a war for years. There are no families, there are no regular people, you are born into the army and you fight for your whole life.

We open on a huge battle that isn’t going well for the humans. A small group breaks off in retreat. Our main character Jack is the best fighter and has to be pulled away. He doesn’t want to leave wounded. Walking back into the base he yells at the others about duty and honor. How there is nothing in this life but the fight. Then he sees Lucy.

She is getting ready to head out and Jack pauses and can’t look away from her. Later that night he paces back and forth thinking about her. Another soldier tells him she’s not coming back. She was with a deserter platoon. They are soldiers who tried to run, captured and forced to do suicide missions, they hardly come back. The next day Jack waits by the entrance and Lucy and 2 others return beaten. He follows her.

Lucy turns a corner and as he comes around she grabs him and they fight. She is strong and skilled. She chastises him for being so brainwashed and devoted. The fight is over and they should try to live. She leaves. The next day Jack is being sent out and Lucy and the remnants of her platoon go with. Jack is hesitant in battle as he see’s his men die so quickly. He runs and grabs Lucy and they both flee into the distance.

He tells her he is sorry. That he never before had a reason to live except fight. They have sex. They walk the next day and Jack shoots two aliens. Lucy screams and they fight. She finds supplies on them like they were fleeing, just like them. Jack feels awful and drops his gun and we hear a strange cry. In one of the packs they find a small alien child and Jack breaks down. Lucy picks it up and brings it to him to hold. “This is life Jack.” He decides that they must protect and raise the child.

We then see that their own people who want to bring them back are hunting them, but also an alien group who wanted to bring the ones they killed back. Both groups are very interested in the child. Rest of the movie is them fleeing and fighting, trying to protect the baby. Jack has to kill his old squad mates.

They make it to an alien facility and as the two forces fight they place the baby in a rocket and send it off superman style. They rig some shit up deciding that this world and the people and aliens on it are undeserving of life and send rockets into the core. As the baby flies off to a distant world a note pinned to him reading “for a better future, moving one step from oblivion”, Jack and Lucy kiss, the Earth explodes.

Cabin in the Woods
Lockout
Safe
Raid
Hunger Games
Think Like a Man
The Avengers
5 Year Engagement
The Raven
Dark Shadows
Dictator
Battleship
Men in Black 3
Snow White & The Huntsman
Moonrise Kingdom
Chernobyl Diaries
Piranha 3DD
Prometheus
Rock of Ages
That’s My Boy
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter
Brave
Seeking a Friend for the End of the World
Magic Mike
Ted
Amazing Spider-Man
Savages
Dark Knight Rises
Step Up: Revolution
The Watch
Total Recall
Bourne Legacy
Expendables 2
Paranorman
Premium Rush
Lawless
Possession
Resident Evil Retribution
Dredd
End of Watch
Looper
Frankenweeenie
Pitch Perfect
Taken 2
Argo
7 psychopaths
Alex Cross
Cloud Atlas
Silent Hill 2
Flight
The Man With The Iron Fists
Wreck-It Ralph
Lincoln
Life of Pi
Red Dawn
Rise of the Guardians
Killing Them Softly
The Hobbit
Jack Reacher
This is 40
Zero Dark Thirty
Django Unchained
Les Miserables
The Grey
Chronicle
Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance
21 Jump Street
John Carter of Mars
Hyde Park on Hudson
Hitchcock
The Impossible
The Sessions
Indie Game: The Movie
Safety Not Guaranteed

I’m a huge Harmony Korine fan, so I would see this movie regardless. But after this trailer, I am insanely excited for it. Maybe awkwardly so…

Via Ain’t It Cool

Update:

Zack Snyder’s people has denied this is true saying to the Hollywood Reporter:

“While he is super flattered because he is a huge fan, Zack is not involved in any way with the new Star Wars. He is currently in post on his two films, Man of Steel and 300: Battle of Artemisia.”

Half Credit?

Via Ain’t It Cool

Stargazer

We start in 2005, before the financial crisis. Jeff is the president of some big Wall Street firm that is doing incredible well. There are parties, lots of drugs, and it’s a crazy time. Jeff is going wild, everyone loves him, it’s a great time.

Flash forward two years and we’re in the middle of the financial crisis. Three of the top members of the firm have killed themselves and Jeff is the one left with the blame. There are people out for blood and he is trying to calm everything down as best he can. He is thrust into meetings immediately upon leaving his office, lawyers and judges are grilling him, he has no peace, no quiet and the whole world hates him.

On the train he is berated, when he get’s back to his neighborhood he sees people moving and abandoning their homes as they scowl at him. His life is now this and nothing more. He is in front of courts answering for his companies decisions, as well as his dead former co-workers.

On the way home from work he sees a man get into his car, with a big “For Sale” sign on it. The man is a bit odd, kind of an old cooky type, but much younger. He speaks in riddles mostly. He ends up giving the car to Jeff as long as he “drives it to the stars.”

Jeff jumps in and decides to go on a road trip across country. On his way he finds cross dressing gnomes who are actually gnomes and not little people, he drives the car down a roller coaster, he drops peyote and pushes the car across three state lines but believe himself to be saving an arc full of 2 of every vegetable, picks up two hitch hikers who all resemble co-workers who had killed themselves in sort of A Christmas Carol thing. He spends each of the nights that he picks these hitch hikers up talking with them int he middle of the desert looking at the stars and talking about what happened, how it could be fixed, if it needs to be fixed, or if this is just a natural evolution and maybe meant to happen. In the morning they are gone. And the odometer reads 1000 miles less than it was.

This whole time there is a country-wide APB looking for Jeff.

Finally Jeff picks up a last hitch hiker who looks like the only other dead co-worker. This hitchhiker tells him whats happening and that he is public enemy #1, the whole world hates him, etc, and Jeff cannot take it. He tells him it’s this confrontation that he’s trying to get away from. He is told he cannot run from this problem. He tells Jeff that there is a roadblock 2 miles ahead and it’s up to him, run through it, or give himself up.

So Jeff stops, thinks, gets out of his car, then gets back in, revs up and drives straight into the roadblock, exploding in a crazy spectacle. There is only one body in the car when they check, and it’s that of the ex coworker.

I guess?

THE END

Tampered Expectations

Our main character John sits on his couch staring at the wall. Pacing back and forth in front of him his a Hannah. She is yelling at him, but we don’t see her face. We only get bits and pieces as the sound is going in and out, but it’s clear she is breaking up with him and moving out. Words like immature and aimless are heard. Sound clears up and she asks “are you even listening?” He only says “I can be better?” She laughs and walks away, as he actually says this as a question.

Cut to John at work. He works at a mini golf place. He is pouring range balls into the dispenser machine and is approached by Rich. Rich is in all golf whites. He is an instructor there and John’s best friend. Rich is super popular with the women at the range and we see him flirt with them, the women who get lessons and moms. John tells him about the break up and Rich seems to not care. He says he always hated Hannah. He tells John he’s got the perfect girl for him anyway. John jokes that it better not be a golf mom and Rich says those are all for him. The girl Tracy, is a friend of a friend. John agrees to go out for drinks.

John walks into the bar and greets Rich and a mixed group. Rich introduces everyone, but no Tracy. Another girl, Kayla, sees that John was looking for her and says that she couldn’t make it. Kayla says Tracy will be disappointed because John looks like just her type. Rich takes over the night and the group parties. John stays on the outside of the group and Kayla comes over a bit drunk. She starts talking about how awesome Tracy is, how John will definitely like her. John starts to get a bit more interested.

Next day he pesters Rich, who is annoyed since he was flirting with a golf mom (he calls them Molfs). Rich says he only met Tracy once but she seems to be exactly the perfect girl for John. Rich says she stays a bit off the grid, thus they can’t find her on FB or anything. That night John can’t sleep, he keeps building in his mind what Tracy looks like. Pacing around his place he keeps imaging a girl talking about his apartment. He looks at things and we here a woman’s voice say something positive like “I love Kurosawa films!” and then another voice saying “It’s not in English and HOW long?!” He gets in bed and pulls the covers over his head.

Few days later and shows up to work and Rich said Tracy was just there. John gets really excited as Rich says she really liked what she’s heard about him. Rich tries to calm him down, but John says all he needs to do is see her once and he’ll know. He knows he wasted his time with Hannah cause he didn’t know in that first second. He should see her in see the rest of his life in that first moment. Rich laughs at John and goes off to teach a lesson.

They go out again but no Tracy. He questions everyone he can about her. They tell him she’s been just as excited to meet him. Hannah taps John on the shoulder and says she wants to talk. He looks annoyed and they go outside. Hannah says she made a mistake and wants to give them another shot. John seems like a different person and she realized she misses him. He says no. She presses him as to why and he says he found someone else.

At work again Rich tells him that Tracy is at this cafe near by and John can stop by after work. John runs through the driving range not caring about the incoming golf balls Rich yells to him but John ignores him. He gets to the cafe and walks in. Close up of his face and only his face as he scans the room, his eyes widen. We pull back a little but we still only see him. Flashes of him on dates with her (WE NEVER SEE HER), curled up on couch, wedding day, maternity war, holding a baby, watching kid graduate, 40th anniversary party, old and dying in bed holding her hand.

The End

Let’s wrap start wrapping up 2012 shall we? Before we do our end of the year podcast and top ten lists there were a couple of super giant releases we needed to talk about. Join Alex, Russ, Peter and myself as we sing our praises for Les Misérables, have our thoughts on Zero Dark Thirty redacted (not really), and touch on the hot button issue that is Django Unchained. Recorded on January 8th 2012.

With all the reshoots that have happened with World War Z and the fact that they brought on Damon Lindelof to help write a new ending (*shudder*) this isn’t that bold of a prediction. That said, if someone had told me a few years ago that they were making an adaptation of a zombie book that I really liked, and it would be the first epic scoped big budget blockbuster zombie movie, but that I was more excited about a movie that is basically Twilight with zombies I wouldn’t have believed them. I do really like the imagery of the World War Z trailer but I can’t shake the feeling that it will just be a straight ahead hero’s story starring Brad Pitt that happens to feature zombies. Hopefully both films will be good, but If I had to place my bets, Warm Bodies will be significantly better than WWZ.

Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug will be divisive.

I was a bit surprised with how divisive An Unexpected Journey was. I knew it wasn’t going to get the same glowing reviews the LOTR films got because it isn’t the underdog that those films were. Critics complained the Peter Jackson was repeating himself (which is why he was so reluctant initially to do the Hobbit), complained about length (ironic considering the number of films that that were also 2 hours and 45 minutes: Les Mis, Zero Dark Thirty, Django etc), and that it had been split into three films. Yet viewers generally embraced the film judging from the box office. I predict that The Desolation of Smaug will be even more divisive than the first. I suspect that the middle chapter will have a lot more added material than the first, and critics will continue their complaining about PJ being indulgent, I mean if they had a problem with Azog the Defiler not being in the book, how will they feel about Evangeline Lilly’s character who wasn’t even created by Tolkien? Yet even the most negative reviews will point out how great the scene is will Bilbo talking in riddles to Smaug (just as they said about the Gollum and Bilbo in the first) and they will say it is because Martin Freeman and Benedict Cumberbatch have chemistry from Sherlock.

After having a conversation with Pete, here is my hope/prediction about the structure of the next two films:

Desolation of Smaug – Starts with a flashback of Gandalf getting the key and map from Thorin’s father to put the focus on the Necromancer and Dol Guldur. The story from the book will continue without too many changes except that when Gandalf is gone we see him investigating Dol Guldur. The Smaug/Bilbo scene will take place towards the end of the film, similarly to the Riddles in the Dark in the first one. The movie will end with the Battle of Dol Guldur, and at the very end to set up the next one Gandalf will say something about how the dragon still lives, and might even bring up the concept of greed.

There and Back Again: This one will be insanely action packed. There will be a big battle scene with Smaug, and then the Battle of the Five Armies will rival anything in the LOTR trilogy.

High Frame Rate

I predict that at least one major movie will announce that it will be shot in High Frame Rate (my guess is the next X-Men film). No matter what your thoughts are on HFR you should really read this article on Collider . It does a great job of explaining where the negative reactions were coming from. While I personally didn’t enjoy it and it actually dampened my enjoyment while watching The Hobbit, it is easy to see the benefits. There is an overhead shot in Django of people walking on a road and then a huge location title that fills the entire screen moves from right to left across the length of it. I noticed the “strobing” effect so much that it actually hurt my eyes. I really wished The Hobbit wasn’t the first HFR movie, but rather a documentary film like Baraka or Koyaanisqatsi, or a an animated movie. 24 fps is an artifact from another time and there is no reason to think that it can’t be improved upon, and with directors like Cronenberg singing its praises it is not to hard to imagine some other upcoming film project deciding to shot in HFR (not including the next two Hobbit movies or the next two Avatars which will be released in HFR).

Marvel Phase 2 movie reviews will all refer to the Avengers

That’s not much of a prediction, Avengers was one of the biggest movies ever, and this will be the first time since then that we will see the same characters. But specifically I predict that most reviews will say how Iron Man and Thor should have just called in his Avengers friends to help them defeat the villain. It will be just like the Eagles in The Lord of the Rings and the Hobbit (why didn’t they just fly them to Mount Doom/The Lonely Mountain), where no matter what the reasons why that wouldn’t/shouldn’t happen (They are a sentient race and not transportation, The Eagles would be corrupted by the ring, then there wouldn’t be a movie… etc ), critics will feel clever when they say it.

Disney will announce another Star Wars film that isn’t Episode VII, VIII, or IX

This is the most unlikely out of all my predictions but there was talk of Disney doing a Star Wars movie every year or two, and with talk of Lawrence Kasdan working on a Star Wars project that isn’t Episode VIII or IX, it is possible. The film will be scheduled for a 2016 but more likely 2017 release, and they will use words like “dark” and “gritty” to describe it (maybe it will be a bounty hunter movie that people seem to think would be a good idea)

The President Got Ran Over By A Reindeer

We open up on a montage of clips from news reports about the new President. He is set up like cool Obama type, but he is white so this movie sells tickets. The clips start to mention his young daughter and Christmas coming up. We cut to the young girl and her dad. She is trying to get his attention about Santa, but he is busy with president stuff.

She screams and everyone listens, secret service men draw their weapons. He clears the room and sits her on his lap. She is concerned that Santa won’t be able to bring her presents. He laughs it off and says the secret service is trained to not attack Santa Claus.

Christmas Eve she is trying to sleep and hears a noise. She makes her way to the roof somehow and finds Santa’s Sleigh she gets excited and climbs in. The president follows her and as Santa takes off he she’s his daughter (Sue by the way) in the sleigh. He goes to chase them and gets run over. He’s not dead of course, but the secret service shoot at Santa.

Back at the North Pole, the elves swarm around the sleigh worried about Santa. He gets out and makes a joke about Americans and guns. Then one elf finds Sue. They are all shocked and gasp (even the reindeer). Mrs. Claus enters and take Sue away to get her food.

Cut to the White House as the joint chiefs are meeting about the injured president. They start talking about how Sue was captured and they need to attack the North Pole. We see an elite group of SEALs getting ready.

At the North Pole Sue is having a ton of fun with the reindeer and elves. Santa sees that the SEALs are coming, and makes a comment on how they are all lifers on the naughty list. A special group of warrior elves make ready. Santa gets Mrs. Claus to hide Sue away in the stables. Sue says she wants to help stop the SEALs.

The SEALs and the elves start fighting but no one dies, the elves are just cute and confusing the SEALs. Sue escapes. We see both her father, now healed and Santa both directing their forces in the same manner. Sue runs out into the snow and gets in between the two forces.

She gives an adorable speech and Mrs. Claus comes to get her. The president arrives and Santa and him shake hands.

AMERICA!

The End

The Nexus

David is driving home from work on what can only be described, up until this point, as a normal Tuesday. Stuck at a red-light David checks his rear view mirror out of habit and notices himself driving the car behind him. Startled he keeps staring until the honking of horns breaks his concentration and he drives through the light. When David looks back, the doppelganger is gone.

He arrives home and speaks with his wife, tells her what he saw and she says he’s probably just overworked. They go about their normal day.

He goes to work the next day at the box factory, goes about his day and comes home without anything weird happening. He starts to believe that it all was a fluke as well, and maybe he’s just seeing things.

Out at dinner with friends they are all having a good time, one of the friends has to leave the table for a moment and upon returning tells everyone that he just saw someone who was the spitting image of David in the bathroom. David gets up and looks but cannot find anything. They all laugh about it, but David seems concerned.

At the box factory the next day David ask for his check but his boss tells him that it was already handed out to him earlier in the day. It all gets sorted out and it turns out that Davids check was given to another employee by mistake all everything is alright.

Walking his dog that night David sees his doppelganger again, but this time in a  different car. He chases after the car, but the driver doesn’t seem to notice anything, turn around, stop or the like. David tells his wife what happened and she says he really needs to relax and let it go.

David cannot let it go though and starts looking into cloning. He finds a scientist who seems to be a professional in the field.

When he goes and talks to the good doctor, the doctor assures him that cloning a human and having it grow up to his age already is impossible. Human cloning isn’t perfected and even so the years it would take to mature would mean the clone would be a much different age and probably different looking as well. But the doctors scientist friend tells David about string theory, and starts to mention how maybe there is a rip in time and space and how there is something called the Nexus that connects all of it together. Well apparently there is.

David tells his wife this, she says he’s crazy and that there is no way that could happen. They go about their days, but David is constantly reading up about theoretical physics and has enclosed himself in tinfoil because he thinks it will help. David2 comes into the house while David is in his foil room. David’s wife is downstairs and is startled. She knows David is upstairs and starts to freak out. She grabs a knife and goes upstairs. David is there and David2 shows up, along with Davids 3-9.

Alright well turns out that there has been a tear in the space-time continuum for only David, all of the Davids have converged into a single existence. They explain that David is supposed to be “The Chosen One” to save humanity from extinction but in David2-9′s universes they were too late. They jumped to this one and have been trying to get in contact with David without startling him too much. Anyway, they explain about a group of universe hopping aliens who have been taking out all Organic life and feeding off of it to live. They tell him he has to prepare before it’s too late. The Davids walk outside and as they do a rip in the fabric of reality happens and grows increasingly bigger.

Aliens start to pour through the inter dimensional hole. David runs upstairs grabs some of the inventions that he put together while studying and hands them out to the Davids and other people. David yells, something like “Stand your ground, this time earth wins.”

Smash cut to black

THE END

Another doozy of a podcast and I finally got the gallery to work again! You’ll have to take my word for it about this week being a doozy of a podcast. A real, hardcore, sweaty, intense, raw dog doozy of a podcast. And I write this hours, if not days, before we are set to record our next podcast! That’s how much of a doozy it is. Join Russ, Alex, Peter and myself as we argue about Jack Reacher and This is 40. Again, I assume we’re going to argue, we haven’t recorded it yet, but if anyone liked either of those two movies… well wait and see. Recorded on January 2nd 2013.

The Mystic

The Mystic is THE friday night spot for red blooded American teens in Bainesville, Indiana.  It’s a pretty boring town, without a lot of excitement, except for these friday nights.  The high schoolers all go The Mystic.  It’s the most happening rollerskating rink around.  Cue a scene of a bunch of kids rollerskating around and doing tricks while typical 70′s music plays.  DJ Goodvibes announces the star rollerskating duo, FlashFunk are about to take to the rink and perform a new routine.  It’s really really good and we pan closer to a kid watching them named Dale.  He’s a good skater, but aspires to be as good as these guys.  After they perform he asks if they can give him some pointers.  They say sure and take Dale under their wing.  This makes him more popular than he’s ever been.  He gets home late that night and his single father is pissed.  Says dancing wont get him anywhere in life blah blah blah.

As the film bears on Dale is now growing in popularity and even girls like Jane (the pretty girl) like him now.  Rollerskating might be his ticket to freedom.  To a better life.

Until some old rich white guy decides he wants to buy The Mystic and turn it into a strip mall.  DJ Goodvibes has been late on his rent and it’s just beginning to get to be too much for him.  Dale asks him if theres another way, but there isn’t.

Turns out Dale’s dad is a smart business man and could help save The Mystic but hates dancing so he wont support it (turns out his wife, Dales mom was a star dancer back in the day and died after complications from a dance routine gone wrong).  Dale’s life is a constant reminder of what Dale’s dad lost.

DJ Goodvibes decides to hold a skate a thon and invite the best skating teams in Indiana.  Dale starts to believe that if he can help save The Mystic, he can do anything.  The dance a thon starts and before that Dale asks for his dad just to come and see what he’s passionate about.  They have a big fight and Dale says some hurtful shit about getting over mom and leaves.  The old rich white guy comes back and says that the deal is going to go through tomorrow unless Goodvibes can come up with the cash.

Obviously the dance a thon is a success, but they don’t quite raise enough money, until Dale does his new futuristic dance set to music inspired more from the 80′s (this takes place in 1979).  Goodvibes has never heard music like this.  the people go crazy and obviously Dale’s dad is in the crowd and sees that it’s what Dale was born to do.  He gives his son a nod of approval and the money meter gets all the way to the right amount!

Old rich white guy says it doesn’t matter, cause he’ll buy something else and he’ll be back for The Mystic another time.

Dale and his dad meet a compromise.  Dale will finish HS but then go to a dance school. He leaves for NY with Jane.

Fin.

The Winds of Essex

We open in 1884, the rail road is almost done being built, finally providing easy access to the rest of England. Matilda is the owner of a dress shop has been doing rather well for herself. All of the folks around town like her very much. 

At the royal palace the King Edward and Queen Kathryn are trying to get the prince Walter to do something with his life. To find a princess and to have children. He doesn’t seem to be interested in that as he’s more a playboy type. The prince isn’t stupid though, and is a brilliant military strategist who has helped the country out of some very tough times but to his parents dismay he rejects all forms of religion.

As a showing of good will the king, queen and prince all travel to Essex together no the very first time the train enters the station. It is a joyous occasion. There’s a big hoopla and Walter catches a glimpse of Matilda. He chases after her, she doesn’t notice him following her (or so it seems) and she heads back to the dress shop. Walter comes in and there is some dumb scene where he’s trying to impress her and she is not impressed at all. He asks her about the cross she wears around her neck and she tells him that it’s her dead mothers. He eventually has to leave but promises to come back .

So we see scenes of Walter looking around Essex, trying to determine who Matilda is. In all of these scenes she can be seen in the background somewhere, though not at first glance.

He goes back to the dress shop where Matilda now is and they have a discussion about religion and ones self. It’s deep ass shit. They go out to some high beautiful hill that Terrance Malick would film on and they continue their discussion. Walter asks for proof of God, Matilda tells him the winds of Essex. She says something like “Nothing speaks so soft as the winds of Essex.” And thrown throughout the rest of the film are one use phrases like “The seasons change by the winds of Essex,” and “My spirit runs free, like the winds of Essex.”

So begins the affair of Walter and Matilda. Walter doesn’t visit the royal palace as much as he is out with Matilda most of the time. He tells her everything that is going on and everything they are thinking. Though they have two very different view points on a lot, Walter feels he can be open and honest with her. Telling her that he would do away with the churches power once he becomes king.  Anyway, time goes by, the king and queen demand to know whats going on, he tells them they are both happy that their son has found someone but they forbid it because she is not royalty.

Let’s wrap this up shall we?

He runs away to be with Matilda, she accepts him into her home to hide away. They have a few more days of their love affair. While the prince sleeps on Christmas Eve, Matilda drives a knife straight through his heart. Turns out that cross around her neck was a symbol for the Knights Templar, she is a crazy descendent of a powerful religious cult and had been ordered to eliminate any threat to the influence of religion. Blah blah blah,

THE END

Milfs in Paris

Like many of my films this one opens with a woman cooking breakfast. She sets everything up but no one comes. She calls for her son but there is no answer. She calls again. Quick cut to her 18 year old son fucking an older woman.

He rolls off her and starts to talk all sweet and our main character Sandra ignores him and tosses his clothes to him. She walks to the bathroom naked and gets ready for her day. She is a real estate agent and good at her job. Montage of her flirting with buyers while showing a house. Especially younger men. Back at the office her boss hits on her but she laughs it off saying he’s too old for her (he is 3 years younger). He says enjoy your trip as she leaves.

Back at home she finishes backing her decorate underwear and hears a car horn. She looks outside and we she a slow motion shot beautiful older woman in a corvette but we quickly cut to her friend Kristina in a minivan waving like an idiot. Sandra is upset that they have to drive in this to the airport and even madder when se notices the baby in the back. Kristina says they just have to pick up her husband and he’ll be dropping them off.

Sandra gives Kristina her usual shit about settling down and not being out there like herself. Kristina is the comic relief and tells a heartwarming baby poop story.

On the plane Sandra is vertigo drunk while Kristina sleeps with a mask and neck pillow snoring. Sandra flirtation with the young man across the aisle, right in front of his mother. The mother glared at her. She takes a swift from the tiny bottle and we cut to the two of the in a taxi in Paris.

Kristina speaks awful French to the cabbie. They drop their things in the hotel and get changed. Sandra is excited for the hunt, but Kristina makes her stop in a tiny cafe. Behind the counter is a slightly older man who is friendly to the two. Kristina laughs at his jokes but Sandra ignores him. He comments on this and she is rude to him. He says something incredibly charming as they leave.

Kristina mentions how handsome the man, Pierre, was and that Sandra should have been nicer. Sandra brushes her off and they head into a bar. Sandra starts to drink heavily but the younger clientele is uninterested in her. This makes her drink more as Kristina has a hilarious drunken chat with some old French men.

They stumble out and seem a bit lost. They can’t find a cab but a car pulls up. It is Pierre. He offers them a ride to their hotel. Kristina snores in the back and Pierre tries to break Sandras shell on the front. She opens a bit about past heartache, and Pierre gets all smooth about how Paris is the place to mend that.

They arrive at the hotel and Sandra agrees to meet with him the next day. Kristina is hungover and decides to stay in saying she feels sick. Sandra is leaving the room as a giant tray of room service arrives for Kristina (lol right?)

Pierre picks her up and takes her all over the city and they have a wonderful time. They go dancing in a lite up square that night and he tries to kiss her. She turns away and says she can’t. She can’t trust another man yet and runs.

She runs into the young man from the plane. He hits on her and she goes to his hotel. They start all sorts of things and he gets her name wrong and calls her old. She slaps him and runs. Back at her hotel Kristna is skyping with her husband and baby. Sandra sees how happy she is and panics. She cries and Kristina gives her a heart to heart, but she’s the comic relief and the convo ends with a great stinger line.

This is long as fuck so let’s just say, Sandra finds Pierre and they get married and we see her happy and living with him in Paris. Credits scene is her skyping with Kristina who is being weird.

The end

Dude Where’s My Baby

The film opens up on Jesse (Ashton Kutcher) and Wanda (Jennifer Garner) calling Chester (Seann William Scott) and Wilma (Marla Sokoloff) and asking how the baby is.  Chester says the baby is totally “shibby” and that they’re so happy to have little rugmuncher around the house.  Jesse says that if they need anything (while making body language to suggest weed smoking) to call him.  Chester says thanks and the movie starts.   Wilma now has a high powered business lady job in the city and Chester is a house-husband.  So he and the baby, named Tiger have a really great connection.  Wilma reminds him that her parents are coming for Christmas Eve dinner, so he and Tiger need to be on their best behavior.  Chester says of course and tells her they are going to run some errands all day and chill and stuff, but they’ll be fine.  We cut to Chester at the supermarket in the snacks aisle.  The baby is like at that age where it can walk, but not like talk a bunch FYI.  Anyway, Chester sees what looks like a mugging from the other aisle, and when he turns to grab Tiger and leave she’s gone, cue the classic line, Dude Wheres My Baby?

Basically so I don’t have to keep going back to it, what happens on the baby’s end for 90 mins is pretty much an xmas themed Baby’s Day Out.  The baby walks through crimes, dubstep dance parties, meets santa, and stops an alien invasion.

On Chesters side of things, he loses the baby and then loses their car, to the mugger from earlier.  Turns out the mugger is Lil Wayne and his boss is Ken Jeong.  Chester calls Jesse for help and Jesse and him split up to find the baby and the car AGAIN.  Jesse finds the car, and Chester finds that the baby gets found by Tommy and Christie Boner.  They say that it’s their baby fair and square and the only way they’ll give it back is if Chester fights for it.  Chester of course gets beat up real bad by Tommy and then all of sudden the baby starts kicking everyones ass (yea i know) and jumps into Chesters arms and says “daddy” for the first time.

Chester with the baby calls Jesse and Lil Wayne answers saying that he’s got Jesse tied up and if he doesn’t get there in the next hour Jesse’s toast.  But Chester needs to get home in 20 mins cause Wilma’s parents (Julie White and Christopher McDonald) will be there any min, and they’re tough.  But Chester can’t leave his dude.  He goes to Lil Wayne and Ken Jeong (both playing themselves somehow) and tells Tiger to do what he does, and Tiger kicks everyones ass, they get Jesse, get the car, and get home in 85 mins.   Wilma is upset, but Chester explains the whole story to them and after a long pause, everyone laughs.  They eat Xmas eve dinner.

The End.

As the credits roll we see Chester gets Tiger all these Ninja weapons for xmas and it’s supposed to be funny.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Honey! I Ate The Vacuum

Movie begins with a women getting up out of bed. She gets breakfast ready, she does laundry and we see this is all before the kids wake up. Her two children finally come down to eat and they sit down as a family. One seat is missing and she sighs. She gets up and walks to a door leading to the basement.

It’s been a perfectly normal house up until she opens the door and walks down the stairs. She presses a button and passes through another door only leading to another door. In the middle there is a warning buzz and a computer voice says “sterilizing begun.” The room is filled with gas and stops with the voice saying “streilizing done, welcome Pam.” She walks through the door to find a huge laboratory. Jack, her husband is hard at work running here and there.

She is of course mad at him for not coming to say good morning to the family and eating breakfast with them. Also their son has a game or something and he forgot. He says he is really hard at work and its for the family and the world as a whole. He makes mention of it will clean up all the waste.

Pam drives the kids to the game and the other wives talk. Jack is missing from the circle of husbands talking sports and yelling at the field. They all ask about his secret project and joke. One woman is overly mean, and we get she is the town bitch. Pam walks away to talk to her younger daughter who is playing in the grass.

Cut back to Jack at work and he gets a call on the computer. He video chats with some people who tell him he needs to hurry up and show some results. He looks worried and works quickly. He his mixing some junk and things scientifically when their is an explosion.

We see Pam and the kids pull in just as this happens and they hear it. Pam rushes inside and finds Jack in the living room next to the vacuum. She makes a joke about him finally doing some house work, but he turns and we see something is wrong with him. He is eating the vacuum. She looks around and he has been eating a lot around the house. He says “Help me!”

She runs out to get the kids and come face to face with the same suits that Jack was talking to. They whisk her and the kids away to a secret base. They explain Jack was working on creating an organism that would feed on inorganic matter. They would be released into landfills to comsume waste, but obviously something went wrong and he’s been infected.

We see on a monitor behind them that Jack has grown in size and started devouring the neighborhood. Out the window she can see army men gathering together. She asks what they are doing but the suits ignore her. She screams that they are going to hurt her husband and she breaks out.

She takes her car and drives back towards home. She is passing through a lot of destruction when her car is picked up by her giant husband and he goes to take a bite out of it. She screams and he stops. He breaks down and they talk and she says they can deal with this. She jokes that he didn’t even think they could handle one kid and now they have two, so whats the problem with this? He laughs and puts her down. He sees what he has done and as the army arrives she explains that everything is ok. They start to clean up.

TWO MONTHS LATER

We follow a line of garbage barges to a small island where Jack sits on the shore eating. Behind him is a table where Pam sits with the kids having breakfast, as a family.

The End.

Bumpkin

In the Chisslewood Forest that is in the land of Blissington there lives a society of elves. A very human like society with schools, hospitals etc, except that everything used is magic. They teach magic, read books about magic, all their songs have the word magic in the title (along with some human songs with magic in the title), they cure disease with magic.  They have a magic mirror which transports them to the human world through the clouds, but it is forbidden to do so unless you are told explicitly by the Calelf, the ruler of all of Blissington. There are also three androgynous siblings, Bumpkin, Trumpkin and Mumpkin. 

They play together and are the definition of merry mischief makers. They’re the class clowns in school, and everyone loves them all. Bumpkin, the youngest of them all, is also obsessed with the human society and dreams of nothing more than going there. But the guards at the gate and all of the laws surrounding going through the gate, Bumpkin knows that he/she could never come back to the Chisslewood Forest.

Anyway, normal days in and days out happen, when Trumpkin is told to head to the human world as they only way to keep the spirit of Christmas (because this is just a Christmas movie and not some PC “all holidays are equal” movie) live forever. He has to be seen around by children doing magical stuff and make sure that the legend of the elves keeps going.

Anyway, all is going well, Bumpkin misses his/her sister/brother until they get word that Trumpkin has been captured by a bad child who is keeping him under glass. Think of the kid from Toy Story 1, sort of like that. Anyway, after much debating at an elf council meeting that looks a lot like the United Nations Bumpkin makes a impassioned speech about why he/she should go. They all say no. Anyway, using Mumpkin as bait Bumpkin is able to trick the guards etc and go to save his/her brother/sister.

So hijinks happen, he befriends some kids and they all help with a mission impossible style rescue mission. They are able to rescue him and then the elves head back. The kids are sad but the elves tell them they’ll be back and to never stop believing. And to spread word of the elves.

When they arrive back in the forest they are immediately arrested. There is a giant trail which all seems to just be a farce because it ends with everyone being super happy, balloons falling from the ceiling and the credits roll while the whole cast and crew sings “Do You Believe in Magic.”

THE END

His leads are Mark Wahlberg, Anthony Mackie, and The Rock playing a bunch of juiced-up gym rats.  I’m sold on that alone.

See for yourself:

Sly had invited me to be in Expendables 2 but I was too busy filming CZ12 and couldn’t make a commitment to the film. But he did extend his invitation to the third movie, which I agreed on the condition that I will be appearing as more than just a minor role with a few scenes.

Sounds great to me. Expendables 2 was a lot of fun, they might as well go all out for the third. Here’s hoping he gets a few decent fights and doesn’t drop out of the movie (literally) like Jet Li did in Expendables 2.

Via Twitch

Also, textbook lensflare in this:

I’m doing a biopic of that crazy guy who ran for office, Jimmy McMillan.  He will be played by Samuel L. Jackson and the bulk of the story will be told as a flashback in a courtroom.   We open on a prosecutor, played by Ed Norton who is trying to convince a jury that Jimmy McMillan deserves to spend the rest of his life in jail after he causes a near riot in NYC during an Occupy Wall Street demonstration.  Jimmy, defending himself says everything he’s ever done, he’s done for the people and then the flashbacks start.

Vietnam Flashback.  Typical music plays and we see Jimmy the hero, saving his entire platoon but falling in love with a vietnamese woman.  Jimmy decides to stay there, but his captain kills the vietnamese woman.  Jimmy then sees the true evil of war and demands to come home.

Flash to his life in Brooklyn.  We see Jimmy struggles to integrate into society and even does a few enforcer type jobs for drug dealers.  He knows its wrong, but the world has forgotten about Jimmy.  He later becomes a professional wrestler, and reaches the heights of popularity, before a steroid scandal forces him into retirement.

(between each flash we go back to the courtroom and various other witnesses being examined by the prosecutor or Jimmy)

Flash to his life trying to get into politics. Jimmy is never taken seriously, especially when running for Gov, but during Occupy Wall Street, his rally “The Rent is 2 Damn High” finally gains traction and Jimmy becomes the voice of the OWS movement and the voice of the voiceless.  The police, one of which is totally Michael Rapaport try and stop Jimmy’s rally, but the people are behind him and they fight the cops and two 20-something’s die in the process.

This is blamed on Jimmy, which brings us back to the courtroom.  Jimmy delivers an empowering final speech about how his whole life he’s been kept down, people have been kept down, and even this lawsuit is a way to keep the people down, but THE RENT IS 2 DAMN HIGH!  He keeps saying it as the judge slams the gavel.  The people of the courtroom are saying it now, even the jury.  They rule that he is not guilty, but the judge finds him in contempt and he spends a year in jail.  In jail, we see that Jimmy is able to connect with younger criminals and help them turn their lives around.  Jimmy is finally the hero we always thought he could be.

Trip Van Winkle

We open in a 50s high school, where our main character Trip attends. He’s a cool kid. He’s got a cool car. He dates a hot girl. He doesn’t care much about grades, so on and so forth. He plays a prank on a nerdy kid one day and the nerdy kid says he’ll teach him a lesson. Trip laughs it off and heads home.

Walking home he randomly takes a turn through the forest and it begins to rain. Trip runs into a cave and sits down. He becomes increasingly tired and falls asleep. He opens his eyes and gets up. He walks out of the forest and the world seems a bit different. He’s tired and doesn’t seem to notice but it is obviously 2012. He walks up to his house and tries his key. It doesn’t work.

A woman comes to the door he doesn’t recognize and he finds out other people live there. He is confused. He goes to his friend’s house and finds 60 years have past and his friend is a senior citizen. His friend sits him down and they talk about how everyone though Trip disappeared back in high school.

He finds most of his old friends in a senior citizen home. He feels bad for them and they are all depressed being old. They all tell Trip he was always such a jerk in high school, that they were nice to him out of fear of being excluded. Trip finds his bank account still open and his interest adding up to a good amount of money. He takes the senior versions of his old high school classmates out on the town and tries to show them a good time. A lot of stupid old people humor follows as they do young people stuff. Trip even shares a kiss with his old girlfriend.

Everyone starts to like Trip and he seems like a much better person. While driving them around on a bus he rented, one of the old people has a heart attack. Trip brings him to the hospital and sits with him. The old man wakes up and tells Trip he was the one that cursed him to sleep, but Trip learned his lesson and has bettered himself. Trip sits with him until they both fall asleep.

Trip wake up in the cave again, but it is still the 50s. He goes home and goes to school. He is much nicer to everyone, tells his girlfriend he loves her, and sticks up for the nerdy kid.

The End.

Bright Sunshine and The Well Lit Room

Dan is a shut in. He’s a germaphobe and keeps his room incredibly clean. His whole room is encased in plastic, he lives like the boy in the bubble but he never leaves his room for anything. He orders all of the food he needs online as well as everything else that he needs.

Dan is a computer programmer and doesn’t need to leave the house anyway, because computer programmers don’t have to leave their dark corners ever. It’s better that way. He’s not anti social, or socially awkward, he can hold conversations and has phone meetings throughout the days. He’s very well adjusted, but he won’t leave his room.

After ordering groceries one day, Dan is waiting for the grocery delivery person to show up when he starts hearing a weird noise in his room. He searches everywhere but is unable to find it. When the delivery person gets there he first asks them if they hear the noise before looking up and seeing it is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen, Andrea. She doesn’t hear anything and Dan plays it off like nothing happened. They chat a bit, she leaves and he starts to look for the noise again.

The next day Dan decides to order more groceries. Andrea comes back and they have a chat, Andrea is pretty OCD and Dan notices her not stepping on any cracks as she comes to deliver the package. Dan invites her over for dinner sometime but she says she doesn’t think she can go out with customers but has had a really nice time talking with Dan.

Heartbroken Dan proceeds to look for the noise that he has been looking for but with no luck. In the middle of the night Dan is awoken from sleep. It’s Andrea and she has a gun with blood all over it. She pleads with Dan to let her in so she can wash up. Against his better judgement Dan lets her in. She tells her story about how she is a grocery delivery girl / hit-woman for the mob. Sometimes she will get very specific orders which are actually marks. She tells him how tonights went bad, she was being set up, it was a trap and there were cops all over the place. She went to the mobs house who set her up and killed them all and now the cops are after her for that. Dan is known as the shut in and as such people usually don’t come knocking on his door so he lets her stay.

The cops come by and Dan tells them that there’s no one there. They believe him because of his reputation as the shut in and germaphobe. Dan and Andrea get to know each other and Andrea starts to fall for Dan as he has fallen for her. Dan finally gets to make her dinner and they have a grand old time. Dan is still searching for this noise he’s been hearing which Andrea doesn’t hear at all.

Dan and Andrea have been able to spend a lot of time together and Andrea also hasn’t left the apartment in a few weeks. Andrea begins to worry about Dan because of the noise. She convinces him to see a doctor, but the doctor has to come to him. After doing some tests and a few weeks of waiting the doctor tells Dan that he has a degenerative cell disease that is passed down over generations. It doesn’t always come to the surface but he needs to do more testing. Dan fights leaving the room but after a while he finally agrees. After more tests it is determined he has 3 months left to live.

Dan goes back to the room to tell Andrea what has happened. He wants to go out and live life now that he only has a little bit of time left and wants Andrea to come with him, except she is still fleeing the law and cannot be seen outside. So Dan for the next few months decides to take it upon himself to do all of the things he never did. Go grocery shopping, the movies, etc. Dan passes away after only 2 months, having lived life those 2 months to the fullest. The unexpected death takes Andrea by surprise. She hasn’t left the apartment in months. She doesn’t go to the wake, or the funeral she just stays in side when she suddenly starts to hear a weird noise. She searches everywhere but is unable to find it.

THE END

Paranormal Paralegal

We open in a courtroom. A vampire is on the stand. The prosecutor is asking the vampire what he was doing on the night of the 21st. The vampire says he was at home. The prosecutor drags in a TV and plays security footage from that night. We see a figure that resembles the vampire on a screen. the figure throws a brick through a window and then walks into the building. The prosecutor fast forwards the tape and we see the figure emerge from the building with a big bag. “Then how do you explain this footage” the prosecutor asks. The vampire is at a loss for words. “The building you stole from was a medical clinic, and along with some medical equipment, bags of blood were found missing!” There is a gasp from the jurors. “Your witness”.

The defence attorney is a big bro looking dude named Ed voiced by Channing Tatum and next to him sits a small funny looking guy named Neal voiced by Steve Buscemi. The defence attorney starts to ask the vampire questions but he clearly doesn’t care about this at all and isn’t doing a good job. After a sad attempt at a defense, the attorney sits down. The judge asks if that is all, and the attorney is about to say yes when Neal whispers in his ear. The attorney looks annoyed but Neal convinces him to give him a shot. The attorney says that his paralegal has a few questions.

Everyone stares at Neal as he approaches the witness stand. He is dwarfed by everything in the room. He asks if the vampire can explain how he was on the security footage, the vampire can’t but says it wasn’t him and he wishes he could prove it. Neal says that he can, and he plugs a crappy video camera into the TV. He turns the TV toward the jury, and then pans the camera across the room, finally ends pointing toward the vampire. There is a gasp. Neal simply says “a vampire’s image can’t be recorded on video. You were framed” and walks off.

Title card and opening credits. The title sequence consists of random scenes of a city, but there is always a monster somewhere in the frame. In this universe monsters are kinda like mutants in the Marvel universe-there aren’t that many and they are feared and misunderstood.

We cut to a law firm where Ed is talking to a bunch of lawyer bros. He is talking about the case we just saw and how he was so brilliant he got the guy off. But then he says how he doesn’t like monsters at all but this pro bono work will help him become partner. Then he starts telling off color monster jokes. Neal walks silently by them. He walks to his tiny office and gets back to work.

Neal has become something of a celebrity in the monster community. If anyone has legal troubles they will go to him first. He has become an expert in monster lore. We see him defending a Frankenstein’s monster named Frank. Frank was pulled over and harassed by cops, got arrested and had his fingerprints taken. When the prints were run they matched prints from a crime scene years earlier. Neal is able to prove that Frank hadn’t been created at the time of crime, and that Frank’s hand had belonged to a criminal who was the one who had committed the crime.

Monsters start asking for advice for their general problems. An invisible woman’s invisible husband had disappeared for example. Neal starts to see that a lot of these monster’s problems are related. He begins to think that something sinister is messing with the monster community.

Neil gets a lead and goes to investigate. In a suspenseful scene we see Neal investigating but there is a shadowy figure stalking him. The figure suddenly pounces and knocks him out.

Neil wakes up and his is in a cage. He looks around at what looks like a mad scientists lab. There is a medical equipment that was stolen from the first scene as well as various monsters in cages. It is clear that someone has been doing experiments on them. There is a big golem in the center of the room. It looks as though someone had been using a jackhammer to try to open it up. A figure approaches Neal’s cage, and then walks into the light. The figure says “Allow me to introduce myself, my name is Abraham Van Helsing”.

Van Helsing, voiced by John Malkovich, begins to monologue. He talks about who these monsters aren’t human and they are taking jobs and resources away from real human beings. They are an abomination and he will wipe them all out with Neal’s help. He says that he has been doing experiments to find each monster’s weaknesses with only modest success. But Neal clearly had learned a lot about them with all the time he had spent helping them. Van Helsing wants to know if Neal will help him do God’s work. Neal refuses and Van Helsing leaves in a huff.

Neal desperately tries to escape his cage, but can’t. He finally has an idea. He takes out a piece of paper and manages to scratch “help me escape” on it. He folds it into a paper airplane and aims it at the golem. He throws it and it just barely makes it into the golems mouth. The golem begins to shake, then it walks over to Neal and breaks open his cage. he then punches through the side of the building and Neal runs out. Looking back he sees that he was in a gothic castle.

We cut back to the law firm and Neal bursts through the doors looking disheveled. He goes to Ed and tells him what happens and asks for help. Ed laughs and says that Van Helsing guy seems to have some good ideas. If he needs a lawyer, he should call him.

Neal goes to his office dejected. He has an idea and gives Frank a call. Frank says that of course he would help him, and that they should meet the next night to figure out how they can free the monsters Van Helsing is holding captive. Word starts to spread around that monster community that Neal needs help.

The next day Neal goes to meet Frank, but instead finds a whole mob of monsters. They decide to free the captives by force if necessary and the monsters march towards the castle, torches and pitchforks in hand.

The mob break down the doors of the castle and free the prisoners. They search for Van Helsing. Neal is the one who finds him hiding in a secret compartment. Van Helsing says how Neal has betrayed the human race by fraternizing with the subhumans. He suddenly throws down a smoke bomb taking Neal completely by surprise and runs for the door. It is like he ran into a brick wall as Frank is standing in the doorway. Monsters crowd around his knocked out body. Neal says “This man has hurt us all greatly. I think we can all agree what needs to be done.”

Van Helsing comes to and he finds he is tied to a chair. His vision is blurry and he can’t make out what is happening. Neal walks up to him as his vision clears. “We all knew it had to end like this didn’t we.” Van Helsing looks around him and starts to mutter “no no no no” under his breath as he begins to figure out his situation. It is a quickly thrown together courtroom, Ed is sitting at a makeshift desk and it is clear he is the defense attorney. He looks over to the jury to see 12 monsters and screams “NOOOOOOOOO!!!!”

The End

I just rewatched this a few days ago, the first time I’ve seen it since it was in theaters, and damn does it hold up. It is a lot more epic than I had remembered, the firebombing of the city in particular was impressive (it’s in the trailer, so not a spoiler). The cast is pretty insane. Idris Elba and Jeremy Renner are awesome. On top of that there are some powerful family dynamics and a frightening scene that is shot through an night vision camera (though it doesn’t quite match the final scene in [Rec]). There was a 5 year gap between 28 Days Later and 28 Weeks later, which mean we are due for 28 Months Later… Let’s hope it eventually happens.

I’m living in Movie Movie Podcast, and in the Movie Movie Podcast you’re on your own. The Movie Movie Podcast is not a country. It’s just a business. Now fuckin’ pay me. Join Peter, Alex, Russ and myself as we discuss Killing Them Softly and Rise of the Guardians. Recorded on December 12th 2012.

If there is one thing in common with this trailer round up is that they all look visually amazing. Weirdly out of all the trailers today, I’m most excited about this movie. Yeah, having such a big budget increases the possibility that this will bomb, but at least every dollar looks like it is on the screen. There is a sense of fun and excitement from this trailer that I wasn’t really expecting. Color me optimistic.

Pete talked about this film here . I’ve hated M. Night’s recent output and hope that this is an improvement (though I don’t know how he could make a movie worse than The Last Airbender…). There is some cool imagery in the trailer, but what is up with Will Smith’s accent? It’s bizarre. As an unabashed fan of Shyamalan, what do you think Peter?

Joseph Kosinski’s first movie after Tron: Legacy certainly looks gorgeous. I’m a fan of Tron: Legacy but I totally understand why people had problems with the story, so let’s hope Kosinski has worked on his storytelling skills. The trailer hints at some harder sci-fi elements, this cool be fun. Russ had a post about the music here , wonder if any of that music made it’s way to the trailer…

Hillbilly Preacher

Travis lives in the small, back woods community known as Greenside. There are 40 people who live there with him, all with different trades and skill sets. Travis is the one who keeps everyone believing, the preacher at their local parish which is the tallest building in the area. The whole community loves Travis, they are a self-sustaining people and have been able to make do without electricity, consumerism and government. 

Travis has a sordid back story, which he always uses to give the community hope, that he was able to rise above his past criminal actions and become the man he is today. He’s been the preacher there for a few years and has never had a problem with any of the people there.

At nights Travis will have terrible dreams (this is a theme with all of my damn movies) reliving the events that put him into jail years ago and his time at war in Iraq. A crime of passion, catching his wife with another man, in a blind rage he killed his wife and the man she was cheating on him with. He wakes up sweating and prays to keep him safe.

A development company, EconoCorp, is planning on leveling the area that Greenside is constructed upon and building an outdoor shopping center. They scout out the land and find the people there, at which time they try to buy all of the people off the land. None of the people want to move. The president of the company, Henry, decides to show up and see what the people are like. He is very nice to everyone and tells them he’s on their side and he wants to try to help them all out. That’s when Travis and him lock eyes, it’s the man he killed years ago that had been sleeping with his wife.

Travis goes straight back to the church and starts to pray. Henry walks in and they have an awkward chat. Henry tells Travis that he’s going to play ball and make everyone in the town leave if they all want to survive. This shopping complex will be built up no matter what, and if there are bodies underneath the concrete then so be it.

The people of the community start to be swayed by the fast talking cretin but Travis steps up and tells the people they shouldn’t settle for what Henry is giving them. This is their community and it’s been their’s forever. Henry tells him he’ll regret this.

The company comes back and the whole town has chained themselves to trees and houses and other things around the community, They put up a fence but the company comes through and knocks it down. They start cutting down the trees even though people are chained to them. The people start to see Henry for who he really is. The tree they are cutting down falls down and crushes the church. The people look horrified but Travis tells them all to be strong. The next tree falls over and kills a couple of citizens. The deconstruction doesn’t stop there and Travis is pissed.

Travis goes into the ruins of the old church and finds the tabernacle, where he pulls out a few hand grenades. He heads into the sacristy and uncovers a whole shit load of munitions. Travis comes out with everything, throwing grenades at the bulldozers, and handing out guns to all of the people in the town who didn’t already have them. Others run to their houses to grab their own guns and bring more munitions to the table to be used against EconoCorp. There are children wielding fire arms, dogs with laser sites, kamikaze ferrets, and eventually the blood bath ends. The town is in shambles but Travis is standing over Henry. Henry asks Travis, “Don’t you want to know how I’m still alive?”

Travis says, “I already know the secrets of resurrection” and fires a final bullett into Henry’s head.

The people start to rebuild, this time with defense in mind, and set up turrets and bunkers and booby trap the surrounding areas, just incase. That night the town is at peace again, they are all sitting around listening to Travis tell stories when suddenly they hear one of the booby traps go off. Everyone goes silent, Travis says “I guess it’s time for round two.” Cut to black

THE END

The sequel opens up a few months after the events of the original.  Polly & Max are both getting ready to go to college and Virgil tells them to keep their power usage to a minimum.   They say ok, looking at each other and it’s obvious that they plan on using their powers.  Anyway as they meet their roommates and go to class, we see them using their powers back and forth.  Next we cut to a village close to that volcano from the end of the first movie. A badly injured SlechteMal in being cared for by a foreign family, when all of a sudden his eyes light up and he levitates.  He starts laughing.  Apparently whenever Polly and Max use their powers now, he grows stronger.  He kills the family and escapes.

Polly & Max have grown into excellent Timekeepers.  They’ve stomped out any and all threats of time distortion from wizards, witches and other stuff.  You could almost say they’ve grown cocky.  Virgil attempts to warn them, that their powers are not what make them Timekeepers, but their humanity or something lame.  Polly & Max tell him he worries too much and they will be ok.  Right as they say that, they both get headaches, and an accompanying vision from SlechteMal.  He tells them both he’s coming back and now he’s even stronger.  Virgil knows exactly what is happening at this point.  SlechteMal, Polly and Max’ powers are now all interconnected.  If Polly or Max use their powers, it makes SlechteMal stronger and vice versa.  However that much time distortion energy in one place can tear apart the world.

Virgil tells them the only way to stop Slechte is to go back to the past and learn how the older Timekeepers fought.  Without powers.  As SlechteMal closes in on them, stronger than before, they engage in a quick fight that ends up killing Virgil.   Max almost loses his cool and tries to use his powers on Slechte, but Polly calms him down and tells him about what Virgil said.  She ends up supercharging his powers and takes him back to the 1970.  Here they meet a younger Virgil and their respective parents, who are around their age.  They spend the bulk of this movie in the past learning who Erik Von SlechteMal is and was.  Turns out he used to work with the young Timekeepers and was great at his job until his girlfriend was killed.  He tries to reverse time to save her, but Polly and Max’ parents tell him that a Timekeeper can never change time for personal gain.  This upsets him and he grows darker over time until he leaves.  Right around the time Polly and Max time jump is when SlechteMal comes back.  Young Virgil tells them that most Timekeepers think using their powers is the only way to stop SlechteMal, however, not using your powers is the true way. The more Slechte attacks the more of his energy he’ll use until there is nothing left.

After they get more info on SlechteMal’s background and tips from their parents, they jump back to the present.  Slechte has been enslaving people left and right and when Polly and Max come back to confront him, he starts attacking them shooting time energy? (sure why not) at them while they evade.  He asks them why they don’t attack him back, hoping to feed off their energy.  They say they don’t have to.  This makes him angrier, and while he has them pinned back behind a car, Polly shows a picture of Erik’s girlfriend that Max swiped while they were in the past.  She asks if Danielle would appreciate the man he’s become.  A man bent on death and destruction.  SlechteMal says they don’t understand,  no one understands.  It’s clear he’s just a crazy guy now.  Max says all that time energy is rotting his brain and the only thing left to do is give up.  Slechte refuses to quit and in one last show of force fires a giant time energy bolt at both of them.  It looks like he hit them, but seconds later we see that they got away.  They head over to Slechte who begs them use their powers, so he can regain strength, but they tell him absolutely not.  They decide to send him back in time to meet his younger self in hopes that he can learn from his mistakes.  They send him back in time.  If he’s in a different time, their powers wont strengthen his.

Polly and Max decide to have a proper funeral for Virgil and vow to become the Timekeepers Virgil’s always known they can be.

Movie Over.

You know theres gonna be another one right?

Crash Course

Movie opens up on a high school. A group of rich kids drive their fancy cars into the lot and look cool. RECORD SCRATCH we cut to a crappy looking driving instructors car. Inside Tom is dropping of his kids Chris and Kelly. They are ashamed of him and the fact that he drives them to school. He doesn’t think they are ready for the responsibility and it is too dangerous.

He heads to work and no one respects him. Montage of shitty drivers and people pissed at him for failing them. He returns home and finds a man in his kitchen. It’s an old secret service buddy. That’s right Tom was in the secret service. His friend tries to recruit him for a high profile client needing a good driver. Tom declines and says he doesn’t do that anymore. His friend leaves.

The next day he brings his kids to the hospital to visit their mother. A heartwarming scene later we cut away to Tom’s friend driving the yet to be named high profile client. They are attacked and the client is kidnapped. This happens near Tom and hi family and his kids are taken for extra hostages.

Tom talks to his friend before he dies and goes after the bad guys. He tracks down one of the cars that took off and stops it with some awesome driving. The car only holds the client. He says his name is Cho and he is a Chinese scientist. He tries to explain why he was kidnapped but Tom doesn’t care. He just wants his kids back.

Tom takes a phone from one of the bad guys and calls the previous number. He talks to the head bad guy and tries to make an exchange for his kids. They set it up and he heads there. Cho tries to explain to that things will not be good for anyone if he is handed over. Tom is conflicted but tells Cho to shut up.

They get to the exchange and his kids see him and are confused as their dad looks bad ass. As they switch hostages, he yells for his kids to run to the car and takes Cho as well. He shoots at the bad dudes. They escape.

In the car Cho says thanks but Tom tells him to shut up and checks on his kid. They are still shocked. Awesome car chase later, he kills all the bad guys and saves his kids. Other Secret service people come and take away Cho. They go to explain what the deal with Cho was and Tom just says “I don’t care. I have my kids.” He gets back into the driver’s ED car. He turns and starts teaching his kids how to drive.

The End.

Elon Musk

We begin with shots of the African savannah, sunsets and lions etc. This is done just because that’s America’s vision of Africa even though that has no bearing on the story and is a bit insulting. We then cut to a home in Pretoria, South Africa (people seem to forget there are cities in Africa…). A 10 year old boy named Elon Musk is opening a gift from his family. It is the families first computer. The boy is overjoyed and immediately sets it up and starts to play around on it. The camera zooms into the flickering screen and the credits begin. The credits sequence is meant to look like it all being displayed on the flickering computer monitor. ‘C’ code is being written that generates the crews names, we see crude CAD schematic drawing of cars and car components, and we see educational software showing topics such as electricity, early scientists and the history of space travel.

The camera pans back from the screen and a title card indicates that it is two years later. The boy is still at the computer (it is probably the same child actor of continuity’s sake). He is playing a game called Blaster. His younger brother by one year Kimbal asks if he can finally get a turn. Their dad walks over to watch the game over his son’s computer. “Elon, you made this?”. Elon is engrossed in the game and just nods. “What are you going to do with it?” his father asks. Elon replies “Sell it I guess.”

We cut to Musk in college watching a lecture. The professor is talking about Nikola Tesla. She explains that Tesla is not as well know as he should be, that he did more to improve the world than most better known scientists, but because he was so fiercely independent, unconventional and forward thinking that he had been smeared by his rivals. She goes become inspirational and talks about how one man can change the world. Musk is enraptured. He writes down in his notes :

“Important problems that would most affect the future of humanity:
1. The Internet
2. Space
3. Clean energy”

Cut to title card “The Internet 1995”.

It is Elon’s second day of graduate school at Stanford studying applied physics and material science. He is in a physics lecture. It is a huge lecture hall but there are only a handful of students. Elon looks very bored and he puts his head down and starts to sleep. He begins to snore and the other students start to snicker. The professor is annoyed and yells his name. Elon wakes up. The professor says “This is my second lecture and you are already that bored. Do you have something you’d rather be doing?” Elon responds “Yeah, I’m going to build something” and he walks out of the lecture hall.

Elon immediately calls his brother Kimbal and convinces him to help him create his first company. They work together to create Zip2 an internet company (it creates software for content publishing, but it isn’t sexy so the movie keeps it vague).

Cut to title card “The Internet 1999”

Elon has a heart to heart with his brother. He talks about how he is getting bored with the company and he wants to do other things. Kimbal agrees and says that Elon should just do what he did with Blaster and sell the company. The company is bought by Compaq for $307 million.

Elon and Kimbal throw a big party the employees of Zip2. Everyone is wearing tuxes and drinking champagne. The party winds down and Kimbal and Elon, looking disheveled, are sitting in a stairwell sipping champagne. Elon says he can’t believe they are millionaires. Kimbal agrees. Elon starts talking about how he has an idea for a internet finance company but Kimbal stops him. He says that these were the best years of his life but he wasn’t ready to start something right then. The scene is played like a break up. Kimbal agrees to invest in the new company but he won’t help to build it.

Elon starts to build his new company is called X.com. He is obsessed with trying to make it easier for people to transfer money to each other. He draws these big diagrams on whiteboard of stick figures and money symbols with arrows going from one to the other. Elon is very excited and calls his brother to tell him about it. Kimbal is impressed but says “This company is all about bringing people together. X.com doesn’t sound very friendly. It’s about giving money to friends, and I think the name should reflect that.” On a sheet of paper Elon writes “transfer money – friend”. And in a twist worthy of the end of Dark Knight Rises, under “transfer money” he writes “Pay” and under “friend” he writes “Pal”. (Note that reality was much more complicated than that, but the filmmakers claim dramatic license)

Cut to title card “Space 2002”

After selling PayPal to EBay for $1.5 Billion Musk start work on his third company SpaceX. In their first company meeting Elon is somber. He says that what they are doing is important. That this is about the future of humanity, that “An asteroid or a super volcano could destroy us, and we face risks the dinosaurs never saw: An engineered virus, inadvertent creation of a micro black hole, catastrophic global warming or some as-yet-unknown technology could spell the end of us. Humankind evolved over millions of years, but in the last sixty years atomic weaponry created the potential to extinguish ourselves. Sooner or later, we must expand life beyond this green and blue ball—or go extinct.” (This is a direct quote from Elon, the filmmakers always make it a point to pat themselves on the back because of how much dialogue was true to life).

It is a board meeting months later for SpaceX, Kimbal is one of the members. There has just been a hiccup in the plans and Elon is frustrated. Elon explains again how important it is for them to succeed. When the meeting is over Kimbal stops Elon and says he wants to talk with him alone. Kimbal says that this is just a minor setback and that Elon seems to be so obsessed with the mission that he is blowing things out of proportion. Elon says that there is just so many things that threaten humanity’s existence that we have to colonize space. Kimbal asks what he thinks the most dangerous threat is, and Elon responds global warming. Kimbal says “then why don’t you do something about it”

Cut to title card “Clean Energy 2003”

We open in a high tech factory, there is a rough edge to it as evidence by exposed wire and equipment half hazardly lying around. Elon is giving a pep talk to a bunch of engineers. “We are all here to make the world a better and cleaner place. Global warming threatens the future of humanity but it is not an intractable problem. We will reduce the burning of fossil fuels by making the first viable electric car company. Change is hard, and we have to be bold and innovative to survive. The plan is to start by building high end sports cars so we can eventually create an affordable mid-sized fully electric vehicle. We take inspiration from one of the most innovative scientists Nikola Tesla, and our name will reflect that. We are Tesla Motors!”

Cut to title card “Clean Energy 2006”

We are at Burning Man, and we watch Elon take some acid. He begins to explore the art installations and the imagery slowly becomes more expressionistic. He strips naked and wonders into the open desert, and then lies on his back as the sun beats down on him. The camera cuts to a view of the sun and slowly zooms into it. Elon walks up sunburned and matter-of-factly returns to the group and borrows a cell phone. He calls up Peter and Lyndon Rive (who have probably be introduced before now). He says that he has an idea for a solar energy company if they were interested.

Cut to title card “2012”

We are at the SpaceX control room as their Dragon spacecraft is about to dock with the International Space Station. Tensions are running high. Actual documentary footage begins to be cut in with the film until eventually it is just documentary. A cheer erupts as the Dragon successfully docks with the ISS.

We fade to black and title cards appear which say:

“The Dragon spacecraft docked with the ISS on May 25 2012, making SpaceX the first commercial company to accomplish the feat.

Tesla Motors released their first sedan, the Tesla Model S on June 1 2012 which was named Automobile Magazines 2013 Car of the Year

Solar City, the solar company created based on Elon’s idea continues to create and install solar energy systems and as of 2012 has 1600 employees”

The full trailer comes out next week, but here is the Japanese teaser with a little bit of extra footage. Benedict Cumberbatch looks awesome as the villain (whoever the hell he ends up being). The film looks epic. There are some shades of Wrath of Khan at the end of this one…

Via Ain’t It Cool

I was going to do some inspirational speech here but now I’m just thinking about pie. Mmmmmmm pie….. I’m so hungry… Join Alex, Peter, Russ and myself as we fight back against Red Dawn and get a little introspective with Life of Pie. Recorded on December 5th, 2012.

Here it is, the first still from the upcoming Ender’s Game movie. I love the hell out of the book series, and I am anxious to see what the movie will be like visually, particularly the battle room sequences. There isn’t too much to go on from this still except that the kids are older than in the novel (which makes sense, it would be impossible to find a bunch of six year olds who can act), and Harrison Ford looks good as Graff. I can’t wait for the trailer to really get a sense of what this will be like.

Via EW

“First he created the most frightening film ever made. Then he took his unique vision of terror on step further. Now George A Romero takes us out of the Night beyond the Dawn and into the darkest Day of horror the world has ever known. Day of the Dead.” Such a great trailer. Day of the Dead is an amazing work and is on par with Night and Dawn, but it does have a few issues that keep it from being as beloved as the first two. Dawn had this comic book adventure tone, Day is simply bleak. The characters aren’t very likable, and because they have been stuck underground so long that are very on edge and are constantly yelling at each other. This continuous arguing and screaming makes the movie much less fun to watch. While I’m not the biggest fan of the zombie makeup (the large brows make them look like cave men IMHO), the gore effects are some of the best ever put on screen. The whole movie is on Youtube:

… I have no idea. Its official synopsis is “A man and woman are drawn together, entangled in the life cycle of an ageless organism. Identity becomes an illusion as they struggle to assemble the loose fragments of wrecked lives.” So there is that… I was just talking to the Movie Movie dudes the other day about the most consistent and impressive time travel movies, Peter said it was Time Crimes, whereas I said it was Primer. The trailer looks beautiful and Primer gives Shane Caurruth a life time pass, so I am as excited as hell to see what he has in store.

Via Ain’t It Cool

I talked about there being a few gems in the 90′s in the trailer for Dead-Alive, and this is one of them. Based on the comic series Dylan Dog (which you should really read, it is incredible), Cemetery Man has a unique tone. It is simultaneously funny, serious, dreamlike, erotic, silly, and even a bit pretentious. Do yourself a favor and watch one of the most original zombie movies ever. And yes, that is Rupert Everett.

Family Crest

Charlie is the immature and wild son of a nobleman in medieval Britain. His father is constantly trying to teach him the importance of duty and family. He gives him a big speech about their family crest and what it means. Charlie doesn’t pay much attention and causes trouble around the castle.

A messenger arrives with news of an approaching rival army. Charlie wants to go and fight but his father says he cannot, he is too young and needs to look after the house. As his father and the others are out preparing Charlie is left to guard the crest. He ditches the duty and it is stolen by a mysterious figure.

His father returns with his men and is distraught. He says the other clans won’t rally with them without the crest. His advisor Douglas confirms as much and says that Charlie should be punished. Charlie’s dad is hesitant but Douglas talks him into it.

Charlie escapes and sneaks around the castle. He over hears Douglas and finds out that he is a traitor. He runs off determined to retrieve the crest. He goes on QUITE the adventure. Befriends a strange forest girl. HE gets the crest and rallies the other clans to fight the invaders.

The End.

Ok, so I’m technically not skipping the week, but I can’t do this right now. My brian hurts.

Healthy Living Through Sobriety

We open on 20-something Tyler, who is just being let out of jail for selling narcotics in Missouri. His parents are picking him up. There is a whole lot of voice overs that set up where he has been and what happened. There is also one of those very awkward car rides where no one says anything the whole trip and just stares forward.

Upon arriving home Tyler finds that the door to his room has been taken off, there are bars outside of his window, and his room is almost completely empty except for a bed. Neither of his parents drink or do drugs and they are both hardcore conservative Christians and as such the house is decorated accordingly. After dropping his stuff off his parents make him go with them to a picketing of a funeral because the deceased was gay. Tyler tries to fight it but his parents argue that they posted bail and had to refinance their house to get him out, and as such he has to play ball. So they go, and Tyler hates it but on the way he sees one of his old friends, Sam.

Sam follows Tyler and watches as everything happens. Sam comes up to Tyler later on after everything is winding down and asks him how everything is going. Tyler tells his story, Sam asks him if he would be interested in dealing again, Tyler says he doesn’t want to cause any more trouble. Sam is then chased off by Tyler’s parents who tell him to stay away from their son.

Tyler plays along with his parents for a while. They go to church, attend more protests, burn political figures in effigy, etc. He notices a lot of bored kids around and decides to get in touch with Sam, who hooks him up with some drugs and he starts selling to the people who are being dragged to these events.

He starts making lots of money, but can’t really do anything with it without arising suspicion from his parents so he just stashes everything under his bed. Tyler doesn’t want to use anymore, but he doesn’t find any harm in making some money while his parents drag him around.

Eventually one of the parents sees him and Tyler thinks it’s all over, but he quickly realizes that the parent wants to buy off him too. Eventually Tyler has almost the entire mob buying from him with the exception of his parents and a few other stragglers.

At the biggest rally of the year Tyler is selling to everyone and eventually gets caught by his parents who are furious. So much so they they make a public display of him, thinking that the town will be with them. Little do they know everyone but them is stoned and is on Tyler’s side. They disown him and Tyler heads back to his house, gets the stash of money he was hiding, and takes off, walking down a dry road towards the horizon where the sun is setting over the Ozark Plateau.

THE END

Kill The Messenger is a dark crime film about a Mob Messenger named Michael DuPinto.   He’s a low level employee of a major crime syndicate.  His job is to deliver messages from his higher ups to companies and store fronts that pay protection money.  It’s a pretty easy job.  He goes to the stores, sets the protection rate, and picks it up in a week or so.  If he has a problem, he’ll call in bigger guns to rough people up.  He never gets hurt, and he usually gets a small enough piece of the action to make it worth his while.

One day,  his boss, Big Goat, tells him to pick up money from a Dry Cleaners he’s been having problems with.  They’ve been short on payments a few times.  As Michael arrives, he sees his muscle leaving the cleaners.  They say, the pick up is all taken care of.  Michael says ok, but feeling a little suspicious he goes into the cleaners and the owner, played by a Tony Shaloub type, says that he can’t keep paying the protection money if goes up every week.  Michael says the rates been the same, and he realizes the muscle has been skimming off the top.  The muscle however stayed behind long enough to find out Michael is onto their scheme.  Michael realizes this and runs out the back of the cleaners.

The muscle come back in and then kill the cleaners owner and frame Michael for it.  They tell Big Goat before Michael can tell his side of the story and Michael is a marked man.  The entire mob is now after him because he’s been stealing and Michael has to find a “safe house” type place.  The only place safe for him to go is to the Dry Cleaners wife’s apt.  She’s conveniently hot.  Michael tells her they killed her husband and the only way to expose the real truth is for her to let him in.  She does and he tells her everything.  The muscle eventually track him down there, leaving a lot of dead bodies in their wake, but he and Lorna, the cleaners’ wife have left.   Big Goat grows increasingly angry with the muscle and says that if Michael isn’t dead within 24 hours, he’ll have everyone wiped out (which makes no sense for a crime syndicate).

As the chase draws on and the chemistry between Michael and Lorna builds, it’s clear that the only way Michael is going to get out of this alive, is if he gets his hands dirty.  Michaels going to have to kill the muscle.  After getting the evidence he needs to clear his name in the eyes of Big Goat, Michael and Lorna have some victory sex cause why not, and they go to the only guy left Michael can trust, his dirty cop brother, Sam.  Sam gets them some weapons and untraceable cell phones and other stuff.  Michael uses the phone to tell the muscle where to meet him.  He wants to give himself up.   Right when they arrive at the warehouse location,  Sam and Lorna begin opening fire on the muscle.  They kill 4 of them, but they brought backup.  Sam, Lorna and Michael all get into a cool but bloody gunfight and Sam sustains serious injury before calling in for backup.  He tells Michael and Lorna to get out of there and they run away.  The cops get there and kill most of the muscle.  Basically Michael lured them into a trap that would get them either arrested or killed.   The few that remain alive are taken to prison where they claim they’ll never talk.

As that is happening Michael got to Big Goat, giving him the proof to clear his name and stuff and Goat has his guys on the inside take out the remaining muscle.  Goat says he’ll give Michael 1 million dollars and an elevated position within the syndicate for loyalty.  Michael says he’ll take the money, but he wants to take Lorna and get out completely.  Go legit.  Goat says it’s something he wishes he could have done years ago.  He grants Michael his freedom.

The next scene is the obligatory beachfront scene where we see everything has worked out and Michael runs a small bar in Hawaii.  We see a bunch of street thugs come up to his bar offering protection for a fee.  Michael smiles at the camera and says “Lets talk” (it’s assumed he’s super tough now and can kill them if he wants).

Then X-Men Origins: Wolverine was WORSE

Then X-Men: First Class was a step back in the right direction.   Well it looks like Fox is confirming what we all thought and have signed Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellan to play older Professor X and Magneto, while confirming James McAvoy and Michael Fassbender will be back playing their younger counterparts for X-Men: Days of Future Past.  With all of this time travel mumbo jumbo, it looks like unless this is two movies, it might be a little too much for one film.  I hope it’s two films because I can’t imagine being able to wrap up a story like this in one film without being disjointed and having very little character development.  But since Bryan Singer is back directing, I’m hopeful, that he’ll take the timeline of the X-Men films and make it all make sense in a Star Trekkian way.

We shall see!

It has come to this. I haven’t seen a lot of recent zombie movies, I’ve been meaning to watch my copy of Juan of the Dead… The Walking Dead has really been scratching my zombie itch so I haven’t really sought out too many zombie movies from the 2010′s. But I did see Resident Evil Retribution, which the Movie Movie Dudes reviewed on a live podcast. I actually had fun with the film, it is dumb as hell but an enjoyable watch.

Eleven score and 4 days ago our egos brought forth on this continent a new podcast, conceived in enmity, and dedicated to the proposition that all movies are not created equal. Join Alex, Peter, Russ and myself as we recount Lincoln and have a group session about Silver Linings Playbook. Recorded on November 26th 2012.

Snack Friday is about an extremely unhealthy father named Ted who works for a megalomaniacal snack cake company.  His daughters hate that he works for them because it’s bad food and he’s really fat (think Jim Carrey in a fatsuit).  The night of thanksgiving while the entire family is eating Ted gets a call from his boss and leaves the table.  This upsets everyone cause business is more important than family.  Anyway his boss tells him that if he doesn’t find a way to sell off all of the remaining snack cake stock before it goes bad, they’ll post a loss and he’ll be fired.  His boss tells him like 3 locations, in california, none close that all the snack cakes will have to be delivered.  His kids hear this are sad because he promised them he’d go shopping for Black Friday with them, so he decides to do both.  The Eye of the Tiger plays as fat suit Ted puts on a sweatsuit, plots out a route and gets in the car with his kids.

Over the next 45 mins or so, we see that not only is Ted bonding with his kids, but he’s also losing weight.  The speed by which he’s going to stores and shit with his kids is inexplicably helping him lose weight crazy fast in a day.  Before the trip started he promised his kids he’d only eat healthy stuff.  The only thing that’s really changed is he isn’t eating GloboCakes snacks anymore.  He starts to realize that it’s the snack cakes that have always made him fat and irritable and absent as a father, but he’s still selling them to other stores.  His kids tell him it’s wrong, but he tells them sometimes for a job you have to do things you don’t like.

Anyway before the last store, his evil boss, Sterns, (Giamatti type actor) tells him that if he doesn’t get the GloboCakes to San Francisco by 5pm, he might have to fire him.  Ted says he can do it, but on the way there with his kids who look like they are disapppointed in him even though hes starting to look better, tell him if he does it he’ll just go back to being their same old dad who’s never there or cares, unlike the dad they’ve had a great roadtrip with or something.  Right as they are getting on the goldengate bridge, he decides to turn around and go home.  Sterns calls firing him, and Ted says, no I’m firing you and laughs hanging up.  Ted’s wife, Laura, played by a Leslie Mann type sees Ted pulling in the driveway and is shocked to see he’s not fat anymore.  He looks like he did in their wedding photo.

A few months later Ted is now a salesman for a healthy food company and looks great and his kids love him and this is over.

5 mins! This took me 5 mins to write.  HOLLYWOOD COME AT ME!

Cymbol

Terry just moved in from out of town to some new town. He starts his first day at school and there are all of these rumors about one of the kids being from a family of Satanists, the Goodfriends. Terry tries to befriend the girl from the family but she is not receptive to him.

There are scenes of him and other kids from school sneaking onto the Goodfriends property and trying to find evidence. They see weird stuff going on but no one will believe them. There are scenes of them telling the cops but the cops not doing anything. They tell  parents but no one cares.

The kids kidnap the daughter, but it turns out it’s on the night of a ceremony the Goodfriends were having. Terry thinking he had done something good was all happy until the realization occurs.

Turns out the Goodfriends weren’t evil and the town’s people are actually a demon summoning super cult that must be kept at bay by the Goodfriends.

Terry gets the girl back to her family, through all of the demons and hell spawn everywhere, where they finish the ritual.

They all live happily ever after.

Carnivalworld

We start out in live action. A young boy named Tommy is playing outside. His father is mowing the lawn and his mother is hanging up laundry. They ask him to do his chores and he yells that he doesn’t want to. They send him to his room and he is furious.

Later that night he hears carnival music outside his window. He sneaks out and follows it into the park. It all seems to be coming from a tunnel. He walks into the darkness but as soon as he can see nothing around him lights begin to shine from the other end.

We switch to stop motion animation. He emerges into a huge carnival and is quickly swept up into a huge musical number that introduces Roger, the King of Carnival world. At one point during the number Tommy’s attention is drawn to a small, strange looking girl hiding behind one of the carnival rides. All the other characters are monsters, but this girl is slightly humanoid, dressed in rags.

Roger immediately likes Tommy, the strange kids from the other world. He dresses Tommy up in fancy clothing and takes him everywhere. Tommy notices the girls again. He asks Roger about it who oddly dismisses the question.

One night as he sleeps, Tommy sees the girl out his window. He follows her to a smaller, darker part of Carnivalworld. She is frightened of him but he calms her down. He learns that she comes from the race of beings that take care of Carnivalworld. They are forced to work all their lives, but are never allowed to play.

Tommy likes the girl and wants to help. He approaches Roger about what is going on and Roger flips out. Tommy is scared and runs. He starts to see the secrets of Carnivalworld. It’s not the happy fun place he thought.

He leads the others in a revolt and they take over Carnivalworld. Where some of the others want to enslave the king and his followers, Tommy explains that they all need to work if Carnivalworld is going to work. That it can’t all be fun. Everyone share, blah blah blah.

Tommy leaves Carnivalworld with the gratitude of the people. He returns home in bed the same night he left. His parents wake up the next morning to find breakfast on the table and Tommy doing laundry. They hug.

The end.

So it isn’t exactly the same, but this movie certainly shares a lot of things in common with Johnny Tig’s There’s no Turning Black. The movie itself looks like pretty dumb, but if it was named There’s no Turning Black I would be first in line.

Via Ain’t It Cool

Banana Peel

Lester is a comedian at the top of his game. The movie opens on him doing a stand up set and the audience exploding with laughter. He heads back stage and hangs out, has a few drinks, sees a woman staring him down and eventually one thing leads to another and she goes back with him to his place.

In the morning she leaves and he is left alone in his small studio apartment in the Lower East Side of Manhattan. He calls in a radio show to make an appearance there and plug his next set and to talk about a TV show he has in the works with some major network.

He goes back to the club and has another great set, the crowd goes crazy. The next day he is at a TV executives meeting where they discuss the show. They are telling him how they want a show like Sienfeld. He is overly enthusiastic and agrees, they all shake and he signs some contracts. They go out and celebrate where he gets into some trouble with the police. He’s arrested and is bailed out after a few hours.

That night he’s at the comedy club telling the story of how he was arrested and everyone is loving it, except for the network executives with whom he has a meeting the next day. They say that due to what happened they don’t feel as comfortable with the amount of money they were going to give so the budget is getting cut. Depressed he heads to a bar and drinks the night away before waking up in an alley the next morning. This is of course all over the news and tabloids. His agent is negotiating with the execs to try and not have this effect the show at all.

At the club that night he talks about what happened and people laugh but its obvious its less enthusastic than before. He’s very drunk and becomes beligerant with the crowd, which makes its way onto youtube. It goes viral and he is the new pariah for the world to shit on.

It seems that now that he is all over the news they have been digging up stuff from his past, tax evasion, bitter ex’s, and chiild hood friends who say he’s always had an anger problem.

On the set of filming he has an incident with one of the extras that also ends up on youtube, or vimeo or something this time. Before he knows it the news is reporting that he is impossible to work with and that the show is failing to come together.

He’s doing stand up trying to make he best out of all of this but people just aren’t laughing anymore. He walks off stage mid set and heads back to his place where he watches old videos of him doing stand up.

He wakes up to find he’s all over the news again. The girl he had hooked up with at the beginning is very under age and there is a warrent out for his arrest. He can’t believe it but doesn’t try to fight it and live in neglect. He walks down to the police station and turns himself in.

The show is now toast, his agent has dropped him but was able to get him legal counsel and they are able to get the charges lowered.

The club won’t let him perform, and he’s been black listed from all the other clubs too. Yeah all the clubs in NY somehow. (Since I cannot figure out an ending…) He decides to take his own life, taking a bunch of pills and downing them with liquor. He puts on some old videos of him again and watches as the lights go out.

The tabloids are again crazy with this news, they have interviews from people about how much they loved him and how they never stopped laughing even after everything that happened. The barely finished pilot is aired and is an instant hit. His comedy albums sell more in 1 day than in all the months they’ve been out. They have a memorium for him at some award show and give him a posthumous life time achievement award. We fade out on a picture of him with the dates he lived and the audience cheering for him.

THE END

Who Shot the Teddy Bear?

Movie opens up with three men busting through the door into a mechanics garage. Two of them, Stevie and Tugs, celebrate over a bag of money and jewelry. The third man, Tony, looks nervous and sick. Stevie tries to cheer him up and Tony yells, “I shouldn’t have let you convince me. Why did I take your gun? I killed him!”

We cut to the job; they are in a dark mansion going through the drawers and cabinets. They all wear masks and Tony is still nervous. Stevie hands him a gun while he is looking through the closet when an old butler appears behind them. Tony turns around and fires the gun, we clearly see the butler falling over and smashing his head open on a table. Tony missed completely but thinks he killed him, and yells as they all run. The camera zooms into the bullet hole in the wall and we see it has blown through the head of a teddy bear.

We cut back to the three criminals, as Tony is still shocked. He says he is going to go to his girlfriend Kelly’s place and leaves. The remaining celebrate some more before Tugs says “I wonder what how the rich bastard we ripped off feels?”

We cut to a pissed off looking Mr. Gamora (Ga-More-a), played by Ray Liotta. He is sitting at his desk with the dead butler in front of it and two henchmen listening. He says, “We got to find these assholes. They made a huge mistake. You know my daughter woke up to this? She is traumatized. In my god damn home! Look!” He points to his left and the camera pans and we see the shot teddy bear. His two henchmen question him about the butler but he clearly doesn’t care. “Just find me who shot the teddy bear!”

We see Tony walking down the street and he turns a corner. He looks shocked and runs back around the corner. He peaks and we see a beautiful woman talking to a crazy looking survivalist man. The man leaves and Tony continues heading to her. We learn the guy is an old ex of Kelly, who now lives in a cabin outside of town. Tony has always been afraid of him. Kelly laughs about it and they go have sex.

Later that night we see Stevie and Tugs are partying and running their mouths a bit too much. The two henchmen find corner them on the street and knock them out. They wake up hanging tied up to chairs. The henchmen question them vaguely about the crime. Stevie stays strong but Tugs yells that they didn’t mean to shot the butler. One of the henchmen slaps him and says, “Fuck the butler! Who shot the Teddy Bear?” Stevie and Tugs both seem confused. They laugh and Tugs, a stoner by the way, says, “Tony shot the butler! Not some teddy bear.” One henchman says that Mr. Gamora will be very upset and tells them to give him Tony’s number. They comply and a henchman dials the phone.

Tony picks up in bed with Kelly and sounds confused. The henchman yells that they know he was the one who fired the gun. Tony jumps out of bed afraid. More threats come through the phone and Tug yells “Run! Gamora is coming to get you!” but he says it like the Japanese monster. Tony wakes Kelly and he frantically packs for them. He tells her that he killed some rich gangster’s butler and that they have to run but he doesn’t know where. She says, she does.

We cut to the two of them pulling up to a cabin. Tony does not look happy as the crazy ex, Cutter, comes out with a gun. He notices it’s them and lets them in. Later that night a large group of henchmen show up but fall prey to the traps he set. He goes to fight off the last two henchmen from before and is hurt in the fight. He talks to Tony saying that he never respected him. He says he likes Tony now because they share not only Kelly, but having both took life. One of the henchmen laughs at this statement before dying.

Tony decides to go see Gamora, who know thinks Tony took out all his men and the teddy bear was only a message. Tony comes into his office and they both look nervous.

Tony- Listen, I don’t want any more people to get hurt. He’s dead and I shot him. If he had family, I’m sorry to them.

Gamora- It is ok. He was just a toy for my daughter.

Tony- Oh come on he was more than that!

Gamora- No, no. It’s fine. I’ll get her an other one.

Tony- WHAT?

Gamora- Just get out of here!

Tony gets in the car where Kelly is waiting. He backs up and hears a crunch and a scream from a gardener who trips over. He sees the gardener on the ground and looks up into the house where Gamora is watching him and from his prospective we see Tony only ran into his daughters bike! Gamora looks terrified and yells for Tony to just leave his family alone.

Tony and Kelly drive away.

The End.

Murder Butthole stars Alexander Skarsgaard as Sam Godspeed an extreme weather hunter.  I don’t know what that means really but go with it.  He tracks crazy storms and does whatever he can to help save the civilians of that city or something.  He’s a disgraced weatherman who lost his job when his prediction of a category 4 superstorm didn’t happen.  He caused mass hysteria and lost his job.  Now he’s a scruffy drinker, going from town to town trying to warn cities of impending doom.  He lives in a souped up fancy van and still posts news reports from his van to post on YouTube.

Basically right after all the exposition of his past brings us to the present, we see Sam’s weather truck starts picking up some crazy readings that a category 5 superstorm is on it way to coastal Maine.  The Governor of Maine, Miranda Taylor, played by Carla Gugino, gets word that Sam is on his way to Maine to try and convince Miranda to schedule a state of emergency.   When he gets there she threatens to have him jailed for causing a public disturbance etc and reminds him of what happened in Arizona (the wrong prediction).  Right as he’s about to respond, the sky turns super black.  Sam has a giant speech right now about taking him seriously.  He says something about how Maine isn’t in the eye of the storm. “We’re in the butthole.  and When you’re in the butthole of a storm all the shit will come raining down on you somethin fierce”  He starts talking about how a Butthole storm doesn’t just claim lives, it changes them.  People will start fighting each other, after the storm is long past, and soon all is lost.  Miranda still refuses to believe him.  She says Mainers are a tough proud people and they’ve lived through worse.

Right as she says that, the Butthole of the storm opens wider and starts raining hail pellets large enough to kill people.  Sam was right and this isn’t even the worst of the storm.  Miranda realizes he was right and attempts to start declaring a state of emergency, but for some convenient reason all the cell towers and electricity in the entire state goes out.  So it’s up to Sam and his solar powered (yea it’s solar now) Van to stop this murderous butthole.  Larry Peters, a crazy longshoreman played by John Hawkes decides to help Sam and now Miranda (who is wearing a tank top, just cause).  They start trying to rescue women and children first and get them to the safest place in Maine, The Maine Ampitheater? Sure.  Miranda used to be Special Forces.  She apologizes for not believing Sam and he ignores her cause it’s about saving lives and getting a signal out to the government to come in for help.  After 45 mins of special effects destruction including the death of an elderly couple that were in the group Sam’s trying to save, the Butthole passes, but now looting and pillaging have become the norm for people.  People have turned on each other and are killing each other for food and water.  Maine is basically a war zone.  Sam blames Miranda for not listening while there was still time, and they have an impassioned argument.  Then we can see this clearly leads to them doing it.

In the morning they wake up and they, along with Larry have been captured by a gang of crazed civilians.  They steal the Van from Sam too.  He explains to them that he’s trying to save them all, make things go back to normal before the butthole.  The leader of crazies, Yosemite, played by Bill Paxton, says they are the butthole now.  The butthole that determines their fate.  They like things better this way.   Miranda, as Sam is trying to reason, gets a small knife passed to her from Larry and cuts Yosemite in the leg.  This buys the 3 of them enough time to escape, but right as Sam gets close to his van, a sniper shot almost takes him out.  It hits Larry killing him.  Miranda tells Sam to keep running.  She picks up some automatic weapon from the ground and starts firing at all the crazies.  She hits most of them, but not before she gets hit with a semi fatal gunshot wound to the abdomen.  Sam doesn’t see this, but get to the van in time to send an emergency broadcast to the govt. who almost immediately gets ground and air troops into Maine.  In a fashion that makes you wonder why they didn’t just go in in the first place.   Sam rushes over to Miranda and sees that she might die.  He begins to cry and she says some stuff about how he’s a hero in her book.

We cut to 3 months later and news reports show that Maine is restabilizing and Sam is now a local Maine weatherman etc, and still has weird intuitions better than everyone else.  After he’s done at work we see people trying to stop and take pics with him, and he obliges.  After a few seconds, a familiar voice asks for his autograph.  it’s Miranda.  They are obviously dating now and he gets into the limo with her and says “Lets go home”

The End

This is your captain speaking, the Movie Movie Podcast is about to take off, we’re only third in line here and it should be a smooth 30 minute ride. Clear skys all the way, I hope you enjoy your time here with us. Join Alex, Russ, Peter and myself as we bicker over Flight and squabble over Skyfall. Recorded on November 14th 2012.

There are a lot of zombie films to choose from in the 2000s so I figured I’d choose the one that freaked me out the most. Rec uses the found footage style to give the audience a trapped feeling. The film is really intense and the ending is simply nightmarish. It was followed up with the great Rec 2 which expands the mythology is a way that many didn’t like, but I’m a big fan of. Rec 3 came out to divided reviews, but I haven’t watched it yet so I can’t comment. The first one was remade as Quarantine which is a decent film, but doesn’t reach the same heights as the original.

Family Trigger

An older Harvey Keitel-ish type man slowly gets out of bed. He looks up to see his NYPD dress blues hanging up ready for him. He showers and gets dressed and we see a ton of pictures him younger getting awards, meeting important people, and finally a few pictures of him with a young girl as she grows up and finally one with her graduating the police academy. As he finishes dressing and leaves the room we see a newspaper announcing the girl was killed on duty.

He exits the house to find a few reporters who question him, but he only plows through. We switch perspective to a reporter on camera saying

“We are here at the house of NY’s former hero cop Tom Hutchins as he leaves for the funeral of his Niece, recently murdered officer Ann Hutchins. Ann is the daughter of Assistant DA, Michael Hutchins. The Hutchins brothers rose to prominence….”

We cut to the gravesite as the gun salute is finishing up and Tom walks away to speak to his brother. He immediately brings up the investigation. Michael yells at him and walks away. Michael wife comes over and hugs Tom. She says the only person Tom ever really knew how to talk to besides a cop was Ann and she became a cop.

The next day Tom heads down to the station and ends up beating up a young cop trying to talk to the captain. The captain comes out and yells at the young cop and they talk. Tom questions about the murder and gets some information. He goes to a shitty neighborhood and an even shittier bar. He beats up the bartender and is yelled at by someone coming out of the back room. He talks with the boss who tells him that word on the street was that Ann stumbled onto something big.

Tom leaves and is picked up by two cops, one being the one he beat up before. They bring him to his brother’s office. Mike tells him to back down. Tom gets angry and attacks him. Mike gives a folder of what Ann was working on. Tom heads to what turns out to be an empty warehouse. He starts to snoop around and is shot in the shoulder. It’s the same cop again. The cop comes in for the kill shot but Tom is able to trip him and kills him.

A phone rings in the cop’s pocket and he takes it out. The caller ID says M. Hutch and upon answering it Tom hears his brother’s voice asking, “Is it done?” Tom answers “Soon.”

Tom arrives at his brother’s home to find Mike in the kitchen. They argue as Mike tries to explain that it wasn’t his fault. Ann got to close to something and he tried to save her, but the people he works for wouldn’t believe him. He pleads with Tom to help him. Tom thinks about it, but we see Mike reach for a gun. We hear a shot as Mike falls off the chair. Tom turns around and we see Ann’s mother holding a gun. She breaks down and cries.

We cut to Tom talking with the police Captain from before. He asks Tom if this is all over. A limo leaves city hall across the street and explodes. Tom says “It is now.” He walks off.

The End

Photogeneric

Tyler is going to art school studying photography. His parents move him in, the normal stupid crap when parents move kids in on the first day of school. Tyler has an old camera, not like the newer digital cameras that all of his classmates have. He immediately falls for Sophia, a girl in his class who also happens to be going out with the head photographer for the schools highly regarded newspaper, Britt (very specifically with two t’s and he makes this know a lot). She is studying digital art and takes a liking to him because he uses an old camera and is a bit weird.

The kids at school keep making fun of him because of his old camera but his teachers all love his photos more than the rest. They say his photos have a certain dispair and human quality about them.  The students all start playing pranks on him. All really lame art school kid pranks. They paint his dorm room door, sneak cameras into the bathroom, make really dumb memes of him and post them all over the campus, dumb dumb shit.

None of it ever seems to bother Tyler, he just goes about like it’s normal. Taking pictures and doing what he needs to do. The newspaper has a competition to find a new photographer to join the team. Everyone in the photography school tries out. There is a multiple person montage  of everyone taking pictures around the campus in different crazy positions and of different crazy things. Tyler submits a photo that depicts a very brutal scene in the quad that depicts very particular students, but no one can figure out when he took it or how he was able to. They believe he photoshopped it but they find the negatives and everything is exactly the same, there was no modification done. He doesn’t win the contest and everyone hates him even more.

The photography class starts to dwindle in size, they start losing people on a weekly and then daily basis. They all seem to disappear without a trace. Finally there is a big brouhaha on the quad. Tyler walking back is stopped by the students who are very drunk and angry. They blame him for the missing students but Tyler says he has nothing to do with it. They start to attack Tyler in a typical mob form. They have weapons made from paint brushes and ones that are sculpted from clay and ones that are carved from stone, circling around Tyler. Sophia steps in to try to get them all to stop, but gets killed in the process. Britt, who was part of the mob, now turns on the mob for what they have done to his girlfriend. He takes a few swings and takes out a kid or two, the other kids all start to pile on. It is a terrible blood bath, all the while Tyler is sitting back with his camera taking photos of everything that is happening.

Finally there is no one left, there are bodies struggling to breathe on the ground but Tyler doesn’t help any of them. He just takes a picture of the scene, it develops as it shows an empty lot where the school’s quad once was with a For Sale sign in the middle of it, or something…

THE END

Ugh…. maybe I’ll do better next week…

The basic structure is as follows: Two best friends, Nick (Eisenberg) and Seth (Devine), in their mid 20′s work in a mall at Sneaker store in middle america.  They are mostly content to dick around at work, piss off their boss, Mr. Franklin, played by Orlando Jones, and eat in the mall food court everyday.  They share an apartment that is a wreck and mostly drink beer, smoke drugs, and play xbox all day.  Life could not be better.  They don’t even care about girls.  That is until one day, their best gal play Renee, who works at the Chicken N’ Such in the food court informs them at lunch that she’s recently been dumped by her boyfriend who cheated on her then dumped her.  It’s clear both these dudes, have always had a thing for her, but since she was taken they didn’t think about it.

When the dudes get home, Nick can be seen on his phone, texting and laughing.  Seth, as he’s playing some videogame asks him who he’s talking to, and Nick says Renee.  He’s been talking to her ever since they left work.  Seth tries to play it cool like he doesn’t care, but then goes into the other room to call Renee himself.  Nick runs over to the door and hears Seth laughing with Renee, and hears “it’s a date.”  Nick is now pissed because he thought only he liked Renee.  We now find out that both slackers actually like Renee, and what will transpire over the next hour is both guys gradually becoming enemies as they compete for Renee’s affections.  Dates are ruined, diarreah makes its way into one scene,  vomit in another, and through it all it sort of plays like a low rent Spy vs. Spy.  Only Nick is the smart and sensitive one who learns to be tougher, and Seth is the loud idiot one, who learns to be sensitive or something.

Renee realizing that dating two men who are friends is an awful thing tells them one day that even though she’s enjoyed their affections, what she’s doing is wrong and that she decides to get back with her douchy ex-boyfriend Sam, played by Nick Zano, who in turn, is about to buy the Sneaker store Nick and Seth work at and fire them.  Yes this makes little to no sense, but go with it.  This prompts Nick and Seth to realize that unless they come up with the funds to buy the store outright.  Nick was a business major, and Seth was something like acting or some shit, so together they put a plan together to try and get a loan to pay for the place.  The loan officer played by Fred Willard decides to give them the loan because these guys remind him of himself when he was younger or something.  Sam comes to the store to buy it (like that’s how buy something) and they say it’s not for sale cause they own it now.  Basically we’re supposed to see that even though these guys’ relationship with Renee didn’t work, they both grew up in the process.

Renee dumps Sam this time and says she’d been wasting her time at Chicken N Such (her manager is Indian, and that is played for a few jokes in the early part of the film), and decides to go to law school.  Even though none of them ended up together, they are all super tight buds and all get significant others that are identical to them right before the credits roll.

I didn’t even like writing this.

Transformers 4 is scheduled for release June 27th, 2014, assuming the world doesn’t end.

Check it out:

I wasn’t aware that this was happening, but I have to admit that it looks good. Yeah, the concept is basically Twilight with zombies, but that film actually looks like a lot of fun, and with some great zombie designs to boot (those skeletons look pretty good). Granted I’ll pretty much watch anything with zombies, and a love story with zombies isn’t unprecedented. Return of the Living Dead 3 is basically Romeo and Juliet with zombies, and My Boyfriend’s Back and Zombie Honeymoon both deal with trying to continue a relationship after one party has been turned to a zombie. Looks like fun.

Via Ain’t It Cool

Damn. The original Maniac was one of those late 70s early 80s grindhouse style films set in grimy NYC. It’s a decent film but one that’s not blasphemous to remake. The remake looks unsettling as hell and Elijah Wood looks like such a creep. I just hope the first person stuff doesn’t end up feeling like too much of a gimmick. Color me impressed.

Via Badass Digest

The 90′s were a rough period for zombie movies. After Scream revitalized the slasher movie genre it seemed like there wasn’t a lot of room for more traditional movie monsters, werewolves vampires, zombies and the like. But luckily there were one or two gems, including Dead-Alive. Widely considered the goriest movie ever, Dead-Alive is one of my favorite pre-Lord of the Rings Peter Jackson movie. You can see elements from Peter Jackson’s early movies in his Middle Earth films. The obvious one from Dead-Alive is that the actor who plays Void is Nori in The Hobbit. People don’t talk about how much his horror movie experience added to the Lord of the Rings. I’m trying to finally get through the LOTR books and the Nazgul (black riders) don’t come off the page as being that menacing, but in the film Jackson makes them horror movie villains. The bold excesses of gore found in the lawnmower sequence is related to the excesses in the final battle of The Return of the King with it’s hundreds of thousands of soldiers. But apart from Jackson’s later works, Dead-Alive is still an extremely strong and fun film that doesn’t let the gore overpower the characters or the story.

All your podcast are belong to us! Welcome to another edition of the Movie Movie Podcast! Join Pete, Russ, Alex and myself as we reminisce about Wreck-It Ralph and show our hidden styles with The Man With the Iron Fists. Recorded on November 7th 2012.

Jamie Foxx and Jessica Biel play the lead Army Rangers, James Caller and Jill Harper who are recruited to do special ops missions for the CIA.  Their handler, Cal Marshall played by Kyle Chandler recruited them because he used to be their unit commander back in the day.  Anyway, Cal puts together covert mission to extract a U.S. POW, Will Stilton, played by Bill Fichtner from indiscriminant Arab terrorist forces, as soon as he gets the intel as to where Will is.

They go into some curiously empty cave thingy where the terrorists are and they extract Will using deadly force.  They are ambushed however by the indiscriminant terrorists and are all three, forced to hole up in a local town restaurant until the coast is clear.  Cal goes to the head of the CIA covert ops division, David Wallace, played by Mark Strong, to ask him to send more soldiers into their area because he got a distress call.  David says he wont risk it.  The information about this mission has already spread to far. Cal angrily reports back to James and Jill that they will have to get Will out themselves.  Cal put the mission together without his authorization, so he wont put his name on it.

James and Jill are partners long enough we can tell that they’ve been in situations like this before and know how to handle it, but Will tells them this is different.  If he gets back to the US and reports back on the terrorist activity he found, he’ll be a target.  Long story short he tells them that (flashback scene) David sent him to Iraq months ago to gain intel on terrorist activity and Will was too good at his job and found out that David was paying Iraqui terrorists to commit crimes on US soil, so that our foreign defense policies would look weak, he could gain more authority and use that to leverage a presidential campaign.  If Will comes back alive he’ll be killed and discredited.  James and Jill say that’s not going to happen.  They have a plan.  They decide, the only way to get back to the US safely, is to be considered dead.  They discreetly contact Cal and tell them what they’re going to do and he says it’s a suicide mission.  James says “exactly”.  They decide that they are going to go back into the caves, and go back INTO the terrorist compound to get hard evidence on David, and be considered dead.

The next act is nothing but a bunch of hardcore terrorist killing action by James and Will, while Jill does hacker stuff to get into rooms that have photos of David shaking terrorist dudes hands and stuff.  They get the info but not before Will is shot in the neck and killed.  He tells them he’ll die a patriot if they get that evidence back to someone they trust at the CIA.  David catches on that Cal’s been speaking with James and Jill and attempts to paint those three as US terrorists and uses his new authority to do so.  However, by the time James and Jill get back to US soil and get the flashdrive of information to one of the CIA field agents who is waiting to arrest them, the jig is up.  The agent calls to have another agent arrest David for crimes against the US.  He shoots one of the agents and James and now freed Cal run after him as he goes to a roof to get a helicopter.  James and Cal corner him and right as David tries to shoot Cal, Jill from behind shoots him.

James and Jill clear Will’s name, Cal takes over the division and everyone wins.  Some useless stats about military stuff plays on screen.  The end.

Con-kid

We meet our main character Mike, as he rides his bike back from school. He’s around 12. A group of older kids push him down and try to take his bike. A homeless looking man stops them. He says good luck and calls Mike by his name as he rides away, which is ignored by Mike.

Upon returning home he finds his mother in the kitchen not looking so well. He asks her but she doges the question. She notices scrapes from his recent attack but he also dodges. Later that night after she finds his bike messed up, she pushes the issue. He tells about the attack and how he can’t defend himself. He makes mention of his father who she says is dead, and that she is trying her best.

Mike wakes up the next morning and his mother collapses at breakfast. In the hospital we learn she will need an extremely expensive procedure, which they don’t have the money for. Mike notices the homeless man again around his mother’s room. He chases him down and corners him. The man is not homeless but only in a disguise. He tells Mike he is really his father. He is a thief/conman who agreed to leave the family to not drag Mike into his life.

Mike says too bad and pressures his Dad into helping him get the money to help pay for his mother’s surgery.

I can’t be expected to create elaborate con schemes here, but let’s say they dress up in fun disguises and scheme a rich man out of diamonds.

After the final scheme Mike’s dad doesn’t show up at the rendezvous with the diamonds. Mike is confused and angry at his father for tricking him. The cops arrest him on suspicion of theft. They have no evidence with the diamonds missing, so they have to let him go. He goes to the hospital to see his mom who he finds is going into surgery, that someone claiming to be his uncle paid for it.

Mike not having an uncle figures out it was his dad. We cut to his mom coming home from the hospital and Mike getting into bed. Under his pillow he finds a stack of money and a note from his dad
-I’ll be around.

The End

Good Morning, Delilah

We open on a middle-aged house wife, Delilah, straightening up, cleaning, cooking, and such. Her husband comes home and they have dinner and chat about their day. It is obvious that Delilah is a bit immature. They seem to have a relatively normal life and relationship until one day Delilah starts to hear thing and see shadows outside, shadows that tower over the house but there doesn’t seem to be anything causing the shadows.

The sun will be completely blocked, but only over her house, which she never leaves. The basement floods when it’s not raining, the windows swing erratically when there is no wind, and it only seems to be happening to her. One night there is a very odd beeping sound, she looks around but cannot find anything. Everything goes quiet. Then a very loud explosive crashing noise, there are multiple shadows outside the house with very little light passing through. Shapes can be made out of the shadows, they appear to have human qualities to them, but everything is over pronounced and with claws and stuff. Delilah starts to run through the house looking for a place to hide, so she crawls under the bed.

She is then dragged out from under the bed, fighting the whole way but she is unable to escape from whatever is grabbing her. We see a 12 year old girl, Delilah, playing with her doll house and pulling her favorite doll from under a bed. Delilah is very sick and doesn’t leave the house at all. She is mostly confined to bed rest with some rare disease that is eating away at her spine. A doctor comes to visit Delilah, to check up on her. She jumps back into her bed and pretends like she had been there the whole time.

We see Delilah drawing all sorts of pictures, monsters, knights, dragons, princesses, red and blue mages, lots of fantastical creatures and beings. Her father comes in and admires all of the paintings and drawings. They sit together and they paint together. He plays with her but there is a big crash outside of her room somewhere and he goes to check it out. We see a shadow walk past Delilah’s window, drowning out all of the light. Delilah freezes with fear when it happens. At night Delilah cannot sleep, all she can hear are voices around her. Some that are totally non sensical and some that seem to be keeping order. She tosses and turns all night in an empty room.

The doctor comes back to see her as she is under her covers in bed. They have a discussion about the monsters outside, he does some tests and leaves. Delilah watches from the top of the stairs as he has a discussion with Delilah’s parents and says that she is doing much better and that she should be able to lead a normal life soon. Delilah heads back to her room and continues to play when the voices she heard before start to get louder, there is a faint beeping, shadows are surrounding the house and crashing against the window. Delilah screams and jumps under her bed.

We see a hand reached out to her under the bed and she grabs the hand. We see a 20/30 something Delilah playing with her daughter. Her daughter isn’t into fantasy stuff like Delilah was, and she has collages of bands and movies around her room. They head downstairs and have breakfast. Delilah drops her daughter off at school and heads to work, she’s a writer or children’s books and she is due at a book store nearby. She is doing a book singing followed by a reading to children. She has a smile on her face the whole time as though this is exactly where she wants to be. We see images that she had drawn earlier making it into her latest children’s book.

We see her sitting in a chair reading to the children who are all circled around her, laughing and very interested.  Suddenly the whole store goes dark, shadows over taking everything, we see her freak out, cover her ears and get on the ground. Everyone in the store acts as though nothing is happening. We hear the beeping sound grow louder and louder until it finally become a solid tone, we head the explosive sound much louder. Delilah screams as she curls up on the floor.

We see an elderly woman in emergency care, machines hooked up to her, tubes feeding her, using the defibrillator to try and resuscitate her.  We hear the beeping of the heart rate monitor to let us know she is alive. They clean up a bit and leave. We see that Delilah is on the door to her room. She is in an dementia ward of a nursing home with other patients. She is confined to bed, unable to move except for her eyes. We see pictures from her book on the wall, as well as collages and pictures of her and her family, daughters, husband, grand children and great grand children. There is a closing shot of her laying in the bed hearing nothing but all of the different machines she is hooked up to keeping her alive as we fade to black.

THE END

Phew, we made it. We narrowly escaped Halloween in one piece, now there’s nothing left to do but relax…wait…do you hear that…oh no…it can’t be…it’s impossible! Nope! It’s just the Movie Movie Podcast! Join Russ, Alex, Peter and myself as we vociferously violate Silent Hill: Revelation 3D and take a spiritual ride with Cloud Atlas. Recorded on November 1st 2012.

I can barely believe this news.  Not only would Disney own the past rights to Star Wars, but they also will get their hands on the Indiana Jones franchise as well.  With their marketing muscle, we’re going to see some of the biggest films get bigger.  What I think might be the best part of this story is that George Lucas is apparently stepping down from his helm of Star Wars overlord to give new younger filmmakers a crack at telling stories in his world, while he’ll stick around as a creative consultant.  This is what I’ve hoped for for years.  Not only will episodes 8 and 9 happen too, but Star Wars world films will come out every 2 or 3 years after that.

Why the hell not?  Star Wars has such a rich world, that theres tons of other stories to tell.  Lucas created a fleshed out world so now with other people being able to get involved I think this can mean great things.

Just think about 2015.  We’ll have Disney putting out a Pixar film, Marvel’s Avengers 2, and Star Wars Episode 7.  They just won the box office war.

Murder-plex

A couple rides an escalator down holding popcorn. The lights begin to flicker as they near the theater showing their film “Denny and Thelma.” The lights showing the name of the film flicker as they walk through the door so it reads “De a Th .“

The get their seats and the woman comments that they are all alone. The guy takes this as a cue and they make out. The sound of the door at the back of the theater is heard and she turns. They see no one and the guy tries to continue the fooling around. She pushes him away but he pushes on, we zoom in on him while she stops struggling. We see his hand move up to the back of her head where he finds a knife sticking out the back He screams and pulls back, blood on his lips as we see it poring from her mouth, nose, and eyes. A hand comes around and slits his throat. BLACK OUT. TITLE.

We open back up on Jack getting dressed in a college dorm room. He stares at a picture of a girl on his computer. Terry bursts through the door and yells “Party”. Terry gives Jack crap about the picture of the girl, Wendy, who will be at a bar they are headed out too. Another friend they call Jones comes in and says the cab is there.

We cut to them doing shots as Jack notices Wendy. She is surrounded by people and laughing. She walks up to the bar with Carol to get drinks. Terry pushes Jack into her and they talk a bit. She recognizes him from a class and they part ways. Upon returning to his friends, they laugh at him for only getting two sentences out. More shots.

The three guys file out of the bar later and they go to get a cab. They find Wendy and Carol trying to find a cab as well. A strange looking van stops to pick them up and they all share a cab. Jones awkwardly tries to flirt with Carol and they all laugh at him. Jack is about to talk to Wendy when Terry speaks up concerned about the route the cab is taking. He argues with the driver and they are all kicked out. It begins to rain and they get mad at Terry. He says it’s fine and it will be his treat, pointing across the street to the theater.

They walk in as Carol says she never knew there was a theater there. The place is empty except for one strange man selling tickets who limps over to also serve them concessions. Jones makes fun of him and they laugh, Carol gives him a bad look. They past by a poster for “Denny and Thelma” but on it is the couple from the beginning.

They go and sit down, Jack next to Wendy. Jones tries to sit with Carol .

Carol: I hate you so much.
Jones: Want to go smoke some weed in the bathroom before the movie?
Carol: I love you.

The two go off and Terry tries harder to get Jack to talk to Wendy. It doesn’t go well. We cut to the bathroom as Carol checks herself out in the mirror.

Carol: We going to light up?
Jones: One minute!

She turns to find him peeing in a urinal. She yells at him then screams as a hooded figure comes out of a stall.

Jones: Calm down, I know it looks scary but it only wants to love you.

He feels a hand on his head, and says something else clever I’m too tired to think of right now, as his head is twisted around. His neck snaps and he falls to he ground. Carol runs out of the bathroom. Jack and Wendy are talking about something as Carol comes crashing in.

(Ok I saw cloud Atlas today and can’t think about shitty movies. I also think we all know where this is going so here’s the quick version since its so late)

-They run Scooby doo style around hiding.

-They head to the lobby but no one is there.

-Before reaching the front door they are attacked Carol is killed when the hooded figure takes one of those poles that they make the ticket lines with and smashes her head.

-Terry saves the other two later but is stabbed.

-They find satanic markings in the projection booth. They pass by a movie poster with Jones in it.

-Jack and Wendy kiss.

-They make it to the front door and when opening them and walking through they arrive back in the theater.

-The creepy ticket guy explains that there is no escape; they are grabbed by the hooded figure. Tied up with film and set on fire.

The camera zooms back out of the theater and we see the front entrance. It flicks just like the lights in and out of existence.

THE END

Immediate Surrender

We start on an Special Forces training ground where a group of 6 soldiers are readying for a mission. The 6 soldiers (Rex, A-Train, B-Town, Reggie, Payne and Chief), 6 of the most highly decorated soldiers they have, finish what they were doing and are brought into a briefing room. Major Xen, who wears an eye patch, tells them they have a very important mission and goes through all the plans. There is a heavily fortified building in Cambodia that is housing a group of militia that are carrying nuclear and bio chemical weapons. They need to do this quietly, take out the enemy, neutralize the threat, etc etc. The whole time Xen is overly racist and makes a lot of references to blowing them off the map.

So the team gets ready to go and theres a bunch of them on the plane headed to the facility. They get there and theres a lot of them sneaking in and setting up a perimeter and such. They try to contact their home base but coms are down. Once inside everything seems eerily quiet, they check all the rooms and find nothing. They finally end up in a giant room. They see one person, kneeling on the ground with dozens of dead bodies around. There is blood all over the walls and floor. They shout to him and go up to him but he puts up no fight, just stays there kneeling. They zip tie his hands behind his back and try to call base but still get no answer.

So they question him, he knows english to make the whole scene a lot easier to watch. He tells them he came in and everything was like this. They don’t believe him. They ask him about all the things Xen told them but he says there is nothing like that around here and that this is a simple slave labor type clothing factory. They continue to call home but they are still unable to. The soldiers start to look around the factory and notice some weirdness. Soon they discover explosives all around the inside of the factory. They go back and question their hostage again who tells them he knows nothing. Soon the group starts to turn on one another, shouting, pointing guns at one another etc.

The prisoner asks the soldiers who sent them and they start to put together all the pieces. We see flash backs of Xen, from pieces of the movie that we never saw, with plans to attack. Then Xen comes on the com, “so you figured it out?” He’s apparently been listening in the whole time and the coms have been fine. They were going to destroy the factory with the 6 of them in it to start a war. They tell him he’ll never be able to get away with it, but he clicks a button and BOOM.

(trying to end this movie now, so bored)

The movie ends with news reports about these decorated soldiers being killed by terrorist forces and that the president has signed off to invade countries, blah blah blah.

THE END

The FumbleBee

This is a CGI animated tale about a bumblebee family.  Angelina Jolie, is Larvaerne the Queen Bee, Ty Burrell is Larrae, the Queen Bee’s husband, and they have a bunch of kids, but this story is about their middle bee child named Floyd, played by Jay Baruchel.  He’s the only bee in the royal family of bumblebees who can not transport pollen. Because he is a allergic to it himself.  Everytime he tries he starts sneezing and pollen goes everywhere. The other bees make fun of him for it.  His older sister Lana, played by Mary Elizabeth Winstead, is preparing to become the newest Queen Bee when Larvaerne retires, so she is very disappointed that her brother can’t help.  Floyd’s younger brother Benji, played by Atticus Shaeffer is already fast becoming one of the star pollen collectors of the hive and this makes Floyd feel even more useless.  One day after again fumbling another bunch of pollen during the transport, he notices that all the leftover pollen he lost, formed an artistic pattern.  So basically he finds out that he’s pretty good at making designs with the pollen.  His caterpillar buddy Calvin, notices as well and together they start making designs together and attempting to sell them to other hives.  However they are met with hesitation at every turn.

When the Queen Bee finds out what Floyd has been doing, she commands him to stop.  The job of a bumblebee is to transport pollen, pollinate other flowers and make honey.  There is no place for art.  This bums out Floyd.  Calvin tells him to keep doing it anyway, and Floyd continues making drawings for himself, much to his families disappointment.  One day before  a very important mission in the backyard of a family, Floyd’s parents tell him that they don’t expect him to try and transport the pollen on this trip because it is dangerous, however he’ll need to be the lookout for his brother, sister and the rest of the bees.  Floyd agrees,  but we come to find that he feels as though he is meant for more than being a lookout.  He thinks they’ll be fine without him.  Unfortunately the pollen trip goes awry and both his brother and sister are taken captive by a 10 year old girl.  Basically because Floyd didn’t do his job the hive lost it’s future Queen and his brother.  His mother is very upset with him, and at this point Larrae goes to talk to him.  Larrae explains that he used to feel as though he was meant for more than being the Queen Bee’s husband, but then he realized there is nothing more important than family, and nothing more important than his children.  He’s gotten to have the best job, raising 3 awesome children all with different gifts and ideas.  He says that he’s going after Lana and Benji.  Floyd asks if he and Calvin can come along, but Larrae says Calvin’s job will be to distract Larvaerne.  Calvin agrees and together they start devising a plan to get into the human’s house.

The end of the film is the rescue sequence.  Larrae and Floyd get to the house and start buzzing outside a window causing the family dog to be let outside and that allows the bees to get into the house.  They fly around until they see Benji and Lana stuck in a jar, with holes poked in it.  They have to somehow get it open.  Here Floyd’s artistic sensibilities come into play,  he finds some of the girls charcoal for art projects and starts drawing on paper a note to the girl to release the bees, they aren’t meant to live like that.   He then draws a picture of a bee, pollinating a flower, and the girl pieces it together that even though bees seem scary they have a really important job or something.  The girl opens the jar and the four bees all embrace together, before the big dog runs back in the house after them.  The girl tries to stop the dog, but in an excitingly CGI’d up scene the family makes a last ditch effort to get out of the house without stinging or getting caught by the dog.  They get out at the last minute.

We go back to the hive and see that Calvin’s attempts at stalling the Queen are wearing thin and right when she is about to yell at him, Larrae, coughs and she sees him along with her kids.  She is proud and thanks Larrae for getting her kids back, but Larrae tells him it was not his doing, it was Floyds.  Larvaerne asks if this is true and shakes his head yes.  Larrae explains that he used his art to help the human girl understand what being a bee is really all about – family.  We see the Queen well up with bee tears and the entire kingdom cheers for Floyd.  His sister and brother thank him and all is right with the world.

We open months later and see that Floyd now works in the field again not necessarily transporting pollen, but using his art to draw in screen windows and explain what the bees are trying to do, so now when there is a swarm, humans don’t freak out as much because they understand.  Then we see a cute bee girl fly over to Floyd and say hi.  He looks at the camera and…

The Beginning.

The film will be ignoring the events the recent reboot. It will also be ignoring the Arnold sequel ‘Conan the Destroyer.’

OLD CONAN! OLD CONAN! I’m so excited! I DON’T EVEN WANT TO WRITE ANYMORE! THIS IS TOO AWESOME! I’m going to go clean up from my celebration puke.

He still wrote a treatment of the script and will be in a producer role along with Bryan Singer. Singer returing becomes every nerds fantasy. Singer really hit the bullseye with the first 2 X-Men films. They legitimized the comic book film.

Hopefully they find a competent director here and they don’t trust an X-Men film to a horrible director. Fox would NEVER do that right?

RATNER!!!!

It lives in the pictures! The Movie Movie Podcast! Ahhhhh!! Weak… Join Russ, Peter, Alex and myself as we scream about Sinister, leave Frankenweenie in the Grave and analyse Alex Cross. Recorded on October 24th 2012.

If you are like me, I bet you hate the world right now. You want to watch people suffer. You’re in luck! Check out the red band trailer for the ‘Evil Dead’ remake.

Feel better?

The 80s were a great time for zombie movies and horror movies in general. The tone started to skew more toward fun and comedy than the bleak fare of the 70s. There is no better example of this than The Return of the Living Dead. Return which came out in 1985, the same year that Romero completed his Dead Trilogy (and you know how much I love trilogies). Audiences embraced the lighthearted Return much more than the grim and serious Day. Return, an unofficial sequel to Night of the Living Dead, is just so much fun. It is a great movie to put on during a party. It’s one of the best horror comedies of all time (right up there with American Werewolf in London), and if you haven’t seen it, give it a watch, it’s even on Youtube below:

Russ showed us the trailer for the trailer yesterday. Here it is in all it’s glory. Mandarin, Iron Patriot, Nerd Boners!

datBloo on YouTube had the best comment about this: “Not so big and bad now Tony. Avengers ain’t gonna come save you now bro!”

VGL won the Man Booker Prize when it was released in 2003 and got the Peter Smith seal of approval when I read it in college. Not for class, recreationally, I’m not a nerd.

The story about he aftermath of a school shooting and the title character dealing with a friend being the shooter and the suspicion of his involvement. His follow-up “Ludmila’s Broken English” which I’ve also read, I’m super cultured, is pretty good.

Look at Fassbenders film choices over the last 3 years.  He steals scenes and picks characters with real meat and content.  I have faith this will be the videogame adaptation to rule them all.

I’m pumped.

Anyway the writers of the original film must have gotten the hollywood money bug, because they want to reboot the series to be more accessible and more disaster film based.  I don’t know how you parse the religion out of this property, but it’s my guess that they are going to try and make modestly budgeted disaster films with a recognizable actor, and have the films hit you in the religious sense from more of a subliminal point.  However, where this is going to go wrong is anyone who is fervently religious and born again, is pretty much incapable of telling an understated story.  The religion is going to smack you in the mouth probably more, just now with a bigger budget.

I hate everything about this.

Also: Did Nicolas Cage officially throw in the towel?

This is a 15 second teaser for the trailer coming out tomorrow on Apple Trailers.

I’m in.  But of course I am.

Mark Millar (writer of Kick-Ass and Wanted), has come out to say that the sequel to Xmen set in the past, but dealing with the future, will be very Terminator-like in tone, which should only mean that we are finally going to get a story filled with Sentinels.  This should come as no surprise to anyone that read the original Days of Future Past story.  So this is a good thing.  It seems like Fox, now that Tom Rothman has left the studio is really going to try and focus on the Marvel properties they have and try and follow the Avenger blueprint by creating a cohesive world.  Millar, who will be working for Fox as the Marvel guru, similar to Whedon’s job with Disney, and he basically said that he wants to try and make it so that when we go and see an Xmen film, we don’t notice that it takes place outside of the Marvel Film Universe.  This to me is a step in the right direction, however Fox has a lot of continuity issues to clean up even with the new Xmen franchise as it relates to the former trilogy.

It sounds like Days of Future Past can help with this.  First Class, while excellent in my opinion, further made the Xmen universe convoluted especially when you compare it to Xmen Origins, and then to the first Xmen.  Famke Janssen has already intimated that she might be reprising the Jean Grey character, in The Wolverine, and Patrick Stewart even hinted he might be playing Xavier again, so maybe Days of Future Past will exist to sort of bridge all of the time/character incongruities, so that going forward we can just have normal stories that don’t make our heads hurt.  Maybe this will be like JJ Abrams’ Star Trek.  Or maybe it will just suck.

I don’t know either way, but at least they aren’t pretending like these issues aren’t going to just clean themselves up.  I hope Millar is the right man for the job, because I want to see awesome X-Men movies continue.

Houseboat

The year is 1982. Billy, age 16, has always been an outsider. At every school he’s been to the kids all make fun of him, the teachers don’t understand him and cannot help him (or just don’t want to). He lives with his dad and his older sister, Katlyn, on a house boat, which makes all of the kids at school think he is even weirder. He also has terrifying dreams. The first one we see is of him strapped to a chair, crying his eyes out. It looks almost like saw. He is begging the person not to keep going, the person looks like a sci-fi version of a nazi scientist. He keeps flipping a switch which will electrocute Billy who would scream if they didn’t put a gag in his mouth to stop him from choking on his tongue. There are shadowy figures in the background who watch and nod at the scientist to flip the switch. He wakes up sweating.

Billy eats lunch by himself at school, does his work, and goes home. His sister Katlyn goes out with a boy in Billy’s school that is older. He picks on Billy and his sister adds to it both at home and at school. Billy has another dream, this one is at an amusement park, it’s super creepy looking and over exaggerated in every way. In this dream Billy is hanging from the carriage of the ferris wheel while it is stuck at the top. Everyone in the park is pointing and laughing at him. He slips from the carriage and before he hits the ground wakes up.

There have been some weird occurrences happening on the house boat. Possessions have gone missing from every member of the family, people are blaming everyone else for what is happening, There are wet footprints around the boat every morning that are too large to be any of the family.

(I would just like to state now that I have no idea where I’m going with this)

More stuff like that has already happens happen. We see Billy continue to get bullied, throw a punch and knock a kid out (because the kid hit his head on a locker or something afterwards) and be sent to detention and then sent home. His father is furious and says something like, “it’s things like this that made your mother leave, Billy.” Billy has another dream that night. He’s on a raft in the middle of the ocean with no one else, sharks are circling around the raft. The raft is deflating and he is struggling to try and keep it afloat and safe. He dives into the water and swims with the sharks. He tries hiding but they still find him. They can smell him out. He starts to swim but the swim up faster, the dream ends and Billy wakes up in a sweat.

He also wakes up to discover that the houseboat is now in the middle of the ocean. He wakes up his dad and his sister and asks them if they know what’s going on. They don’t have any idea, the motor is busted and they are stranded. They freak out, try to come up with a scheme but can’t come up with anything. Billy hears a noise and goes to check it out, he comes running back screaming to get inside the house boat. They all go into a room and lock themselves in. They all listen for something to happen but nothing ever does. Billy suggests he will go check out whats going on outside, his father and sister agree (BAD PARENT).

Let’s wrap this up.

Billy checks it out, finds nothing, and finally we realize that it was Billy who was stealing things from his dad and sister, and that he is the one who let the houseboat off the dock and broke the engine. Billy confronts his dad and sister, who are still locked in the door. There is a lot of shouting, we find out that Billy was given electroshock treatment as a kid because his parents thought he was gay. We also find out that his real parents put him up for adoption when he was very young, so actually his step parents and sister were the ones putting him through electroshock. Also another one of his step sisters died at an amusement park while Billy tried to help her, his step dad was causing a drunken ruckus and the security guards were dealing with him instead of helping out his sister. The step mother then took her own life after this and the family hasn’t been the same since. There’s more shouting, they both are blaming Billy for their shitty lives. Finally Billy unlocks the door, and when his step dad and sister open the door Billy is gone. They look all over the boat for him, but there is no sign of him anywhere. They try to get everything working again but end up in a big fight, they end up sinking the boat and sharks start to circle around them, we see billy on a sinking raft frantically getting away and smiling as the sharks are not interested in him but in the other two.

THE END

Untitled Time Travel Movie Involving Grandparents

Kyle, played by Logan Lerman, is told by his dad that the spring break family vacation to the Bahamas is cancelled. This is awful because a girl he like’s was also going to the same resort with her family. His dad needs to go somewhere else on business and his mom is going too. They are high-powered married lawyers. Kyle will be sent to stay with his grandparents.

He goes to try to talk to the girl he likes but she doesn’t seem to care at all and Kyle heads to his grandparents dejected. The first night is super boring as he is shown old photo albums. In the pictures his grandparents are played by Clarke Duke and Brie Larson. Kyle jokes about how nerdy his grandfather looks and his grandfather, Rick, says it was a real trick getting her.

He’s bored out of his mind that night and is woken up for breakfast at 5:30. He lies to his grandparents about something and doesn’t go to the store with them. He snoops around the house and makes fun of them. Walking around the grounds, it’s a farm, he falls into a well. When he awakes standing over him is Clarke Duke. He yells as he figures out he somehow went back in time.

Hilarity ensues as he tries to fit in in 1950s society. He works on the farm. He is welcome with his great grandparents WITHOUT QUESTION. He starts to learn that Rick is a lot like him. Rick shows all the neat machines he’s built for the farm.

In town Rick ducks into an alley and Kyle is confused. He looks across the street and see’s his Grandmother, Becky, and she looks real good. She is walking around with the cool kids. Kyle talks about how Rick is a great guy and he should talk to her. He pushes him across the street. Rick fails miserably and the two walk away.

Kyle makes it his mission to help out Rick. He tries to teach him cool things from his own time and it’s REAL funny. OTHER UNINTERESTING THINGS HAPPEN. Kyle somehow screws it up. Becky gets mad at Rick. At the carnival, BOOM, rick designs a really awesome booth and is a hit. Becky starts to see him in another light. Rick and Kyle save her from a broken Ferris Wheel. Rick and Becky have their first kiss.

Kyle is somehow transported back to the present and has a great rest of the week with his grandparents.

I AM OUT OF IDEAS.

So here we go!

Model MissBehavior is about a High School for Models in NYC.  These are your average beautiful high school girls who go to private high school, but also are learning to become the next generation of SUPERMODELS.  The school is run by famous model-centric people.

Gisele Bundchen teaches Math

Kate Moss teaches Chemistry

Iman is the Headmaster

Janice Dickinson is Model Gym

Tim Gunn is Art/Fashion History

and Tyra Banks and Kate Upton are Guidance Counselors

The story is basically about a girl named Lia, played by Sarah Hyland, who transfers into HSM after her mom dies.  She lives with her rich former baseball player father, Allan played by Jerry O’Connell.  She doesn’t want to go to the school, but her mother before she died told her she’s beautiful and shouldn’t waste her gifts.  So upon arriving to the school, she meets Tyra, her counselor.  Tyra tells her that HSM is a school where girls are taught to be fierce women, but the only way that will happen is if she opens up to what the school can offer.  Her first day of classes, Janice, rips Lia apart for falling off the tightrope during her catwalk effiiciency exam.  Maitlyn, one of the most popular girls in school, played by Taylor Momsen, laughs at Lia, with all her minion-like girlfriend, and says that Lia isn’t HSM material.  Wexler, the obviously not popular, sardonic ginger model girl, played by Jane Levy, helps Lia up and tells her to steer clear of Maitlyn cause she’s a megabitch.

Wexler introduces Lia to the less popular girls in the school, who are all gorgeous by the way, just in more of a unconventional sense, so that’s the big difference in the girls at this school.  Textbook pretty is the popular girls and Unconventional pretty is not popular.  Anyway, Lia begins to find her place at the school and does everything to stay out of Maitlyn’s way, who gives her dirty looks all the time.  She is doing well in the classroom and starting to enjoy herself at the school.  In one scene we see Tim Gunn and Kate Upton talking about how creative Lia is and how her fashion designs plus model ability might earn her the coveted Model Miss slot at Teen Fashion Week.  Maitlyn overhears this and makes it a point to start sabotaging Lia in classes, and showing her up.  This pisses Lia off, and under Wexler’s advice, they decide to start an all-out prank war with each other.

So for the next third of film Lia, becoming the new leader of the unpopular girls and Maitlyn, wage an all-out war across the school getting into each others way at every turn.  Tyra and Kate both try to intervene to the students and warn them that if their behavior doesn’t shape up they are all in danger of being expelled by Iman.  Iman has not been seen or mentioned so far this film, but it is implied she runs a very tight Model high school ship.  Anyway, the hijinx continue into the final tryouts for the Model Miss slot at TFW.  Both Lia and Maitlyn sabotage each others outfits before the catwalk run, and the judges dislike both.  Iman being utterly embarrassed that her school will not be sending a student to Model Miss for the first time in 25 years, decides to expel both Maitlyn and Lia.   Lia is really upset, because the girls of HSM were like family to her.  We get the hint that things have been tough on her and Allan since her mother died.  Allan’s way of coping is to hangout with the guys and ignore Lia.  Lia being expelled means they will have to spend more time together or something.  It is here that we find out Allan pushes Lia away because she reminds him too much of his wife, who is only seen in one flashback to be played by Rachel Weisz.  Anyway they have some sort of cute father/daughter breakthrough and she designs a really cool baseball inspired outfit that definitely would have won her the slot at Model Miss.  She gets sad again realizing she’s expelled, but Allan tells using a baseball analogy that she’s got to fight until the last out, because theres always hope you’ll hit a homerun.

Lia decides to find Maitlyn and end their war once and for all.  Maitlyn’s actually kinda poor and on scholarship at HSM, and that’s why she hates competition so much because her parents don’t have much and she’s afraid to let them down etc.  Lia and Maitlyn come to an understanding and decide to try and get back into HSM.  They enlist Wexler’s help who is begrudging at first because she doesn’t like Maitlyn, but realizes school is less fun without them.  Wexler sneaks them into school, and distracts Janice who also serves as campus security.  Lia and Maitlyn sneak by and head into Iman’s office.  Iman says they shouldn’t be there, they are expelled,  and they say they are sorry and got so caught up fighting that they forgot what Modeling is all about.  blah blah blah, but Iman says her decision is final.  But right as she is saying that,  teachers/counselors , Gisele, Kate, Kate,and Tyra all come in to talk about how they all used to be catty and it’s a part of growing up to realize you don’t have to be.  There is room for everyone to be beautiful.  Iman eventually relents and allows them back in temporarily, however, neither is permitted to participate in the final Model Miss tryout.  Instead they have to help someone else to make it, and if they can work together and have some other girl win, they will be allowed back permanently.  This obviously means that they are going to have to make Wexler the next Model Miss.  Wexler has never thought she has what it takes, but between Lia and Maitlyn they feel like they can help her.  Maitlyn starts coaching her on her posture and walk, and here we see the icy veneer of their relationship melt into friendship.  Lia is tasked with creating a knockout outfit for Wex.  She has a really hard time until she remembers that funky baseball outfit that she made.  Maitlyn and Tim Gunn both think the outfit might be too risky, but Lia says that modeling is about risks and stuff and Wexler agrees.

Anyway at the final tryout, Wexler obviously wears the baseball uniform, after adding her own flair, and wins the competition, to make it to Model Miss. Ru Paul is the judge along with Heidi Klum.  Everyone is happy, Iman is happy, and Lia, Wexler, and Maitlyn’s friendship has united the school completely.  All the model girls are friends now and everything works out! Except Janice Dickinson is still a total b to everyone.

The End.

The Three Mothers

Films: Suspiria, Inferno, The Mother of Tears

Dario Argento’s first non-Giallo film (Giallo is a genre of Italian horror film that are usually violent stylized mysteries that were a big influence on the slasher genre) was the amazing Suspiria. Argento brought in supernatural elements, witches, that help give the film its dreamlike and almost fairytalesque quality. Many consider it to be Argento’s masterpiece. Inferno doesn’t quite reach the same heights as Suspiria but it has beautiful visuals and a similar dream logic (some believe to a fault). The Mother of Tears was made much later (2007 versus 1977 and 1980) and doesn’t have the visual wonder that the other films have. Besides sharing Argento as the director, the movies belong to a shared universe in which three ancient witches cause bloodshed. Each film deals with a different witch:
Suspira – Mater Suspiriorum, the Mother of Sighs,
Inferno – Mater Tenebrarum, the Mother of Darkness
The Mother of Tears – Mater Lachrymarum, the Mother of Tears

Does the third movie suck: Unfortunately, it is pretty bad, the acting and story are weak.

The Gates of Hell

Films: City of the Living Dead, The Beyond, House by the Cemetery

Lucio Fulci, one of my favorite directors, made some of the best zombie movies ever. All three movie share a similar aesthetic and are very brutal and gory. They share a similar conceit–a gate to hell has been open and insanity spill forth. These should only be viewed by those with a strong stomach.

Does the third movie suck: Nope, though it is the most different of the entries. It isn’t as apocalyptic or brutal, and it is slower paced, but it it filled with tension and very well made.

Vengeance

Films: Sympathy of Mr. Vengeance, Oldboy, Lady Vengeance

Oh man these movies are so good. I bought an import Video CD of Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance when it first came out in Korea and was blow away. The other two films in this unofficial trilogy are as good if not better (in the case of Oldboy) than the first. Oldboy is one of the best movies to come out of the 2000s and contains one of my favorite (possibly favorite) fight scenes of all time–the hammer fight. Brutal and visually stunning, these films all explore the tragic nature of the quest for revenge.

Does the third movie suck: Not at all.

Ginger Snaps

Films: Ginger Snaps, Ginger Snaps: Unleashed, Ginger Snaps Back: The Beginning

I love the first Ginger Snaps movie, it has a brilliant concept–making werewolfism an allegory for puberty. I really like the sequel. I was planning on writing an article about great sequels to movies that don’t lend themselves to be sequelized, but I could only think of two movies: Before Sunset and Ginger Snaps: Unleashed. So yeah, the second film is pretty great. The third movie is a prequel and it just isn’t as strong as the first two.

Does the third movie suck: There is some good stuff in it, but it isn’t as good as the first two.

Pusher

Films: Pusher, With Blood on My Hands: Pusher II, I’m the Angel of Death: Pusher III

Nicolas Winding Refn started his directorial career with Pusher, a solid 90s gritty gangster flick. The main character, Frank, is a drug dealer who ends up owing a lot of money to an unsavory character and we follow him on his quest to raise the money. The movie is elevated by two (IMHO) superior sequels. Pusher II follows the exploits of the Frank’s friend who is played by the great Mads Mikkelson. Pusher III focuses on the gangster villain of the first two films. By having the sequels focus on ancillary characters, none of the films feel like retreads of earlier installments, instead they serve to make the universe feel more real and deepen the themes and characters from earlier movies. With Drive and Bronson Nicolas Winding Refn has proved himself to be an important filmmaker and it is more than worth your time to dive into his back catalog.

Does the third movie suck: No, it’s actually my favorite

Red Riding

Films: Red Riding: In the Year of Our Lord 1974, Red Riding: In the Year of Our Lord 1980, Red Riding: In the Year of Our Lord 1983

If you like crime movies and mysteries you should really watch this trilogy. Make sure you watch them in quick succession though. The films are very tightly interconnected and share many of the same characters so you will get lost very quickly if you don’t have the previous installments fresh in your mind. I watched them all in a row, and even then got a little lost during the third movie. But don’t let that dissuade you, the films are a rewarding and unique experience-a character from the second movie might be investigating events that we saw play out in the first, we discover character motivation in the third film that shed light on actions we saw in the first two etc. It is amazing to watch this mystery unfold over such a long time and interact with so many different characters.

Does the third movie suck: No, they are all great.

This video is magical, if you weren’t excited for The Man with the Iron Fists you should be now

Via Richard Caveman’s Comment on Badass Digest

I still think Mama looks good. Guillermo Del Toro presents a movie with Jessica Chastain, Jaime Lannister, and two creepy kids, I’m sold. You guys are a bunch of dummies. I mean when when was the last time we have gotten burned by a new horror movie? Oh, all the time… that’s right…

Via Twitch

We regret to inform you that the above trailer for ‘So Undercover’ is in fact real. Actual people worked to make this film and many of them were paid handsomely for it.

I’m not completely convinced that Carrie needs to be remade, but I’ll be damned if this teaser trailer isn’t great. Looks like they are going to a bigger finale than the original which seems appropriate. Let’s just hope the rest of the movie lives up to the promise of this teaser.

Check it out:

http://monstersuniversity.com/edu/index.html

What happens when the four psychopaths have a skype call together? The Movie Movie Podcast, of course! So what if I stole the title from an e-mail Pete sent? Our first attempt at a skype call and it’s a doozy. Yeah that’s right, doozy. Join Peter, Russ, Alex and myself as we unravel Argo and meditate hard on Seven Psychopaths. Recorded on October 15th 2012 using SKYPE!

Complicated name. Actors playing people they look NOTHING like. Historical drama about people talking. This could win awards. OR BE A GIANT JOKE

The film ‘Smashed’ is currently doing the festival circuit and he recently started filming ‘A Long Way Down’. Both of these films are great for him showcasing he acting talent, but a film like ‘Need for Speed’ will be great for the general public learning his face in a big film.

What this leaves me wondering, and I know I’m getting ahead of myself, is if Ant-Man kicks off Phase Three of the Marvel movies, if it is an epilogue to Phase Two, which is purely cosmic, or if it is independent of the Avengers world’s arc completely.  I for one would prefer him to cameo in a film first, and then have his own standalone film cognizant of the Avengers stuff, but unrelated, and with no origin story.  That’s asking a lot, and I’ll probably like whatever Edgar Wright decides to do considering he’s brilliant, so none of what I just wrote matters.  I do hope that it is still light in tone and almost comedic like Wright said he’d like to do.

It will probably be a while before we hear anything about casting, but we can assume the fanboy chants for Nathan Fillion to commence shortly.

A Different World

Lester is a boy genius physicist. He goes to school and is picked on. His teachers all ask him for the answers. He wins all the science fairs with things that most people thought impossible. We see his home life with his parents. He has built a robotic dog, robot maids, and all of the appliances around the house have been modified by him in some way to make them look cool.

For the next science fair Lester is planning on recreating what happened during the big bang in a concealed vacuum. His initial experiment fails with a fart, but he keeps trying. A few days before the fair he is still working frantically. There is a lightning storm outside. When it seems like everything is going right and the experiment will be a success, lightning strikes and a worm hole opens transporting Lester to a different world.

He is immediately charged at by aliens, whom he runs from at various beautiful locals. Big desert mountains, all sorts of crazy colors and stuff. While hiding out one night he is captured by the aliens and thrown in jail with another alien who does not speak and Lester just calls him Buddy. Lester and Buddy escape from jail and are on the run. They kill a guard and Lester picks up a laser beam. Buddy has brute strength and knows the world, but Lester has the brains.

Buddy saves Lester’s life a few times, and vise versa. There are puzzles around the world that lead to entrances to incredible caves but they are always on the run. The two fugitives continue to run and try to find a way for Lester to go back home.

There is a final confrontation, the two of them are trapped. It is obvious that Buddy is who they are really after. They try to kill Buddy but Lester jumps in front of the shot, and Buddy becomes infuriated. He charges the people coming after them and after a crazy brutal fight, Buddy emerges the victor. There are more guards coming though, Buddy grabs Lester and jumps from where they were, landing on the back of a giant flying creature. Lester is almost passing out but he looks into the multiple suns setting in the distance and closes his eyes are the movies fades to black.

THE END

The Legacy Of Taft

Movie begins with one of those title sequences that let’s you know what year it is. We are in 1983 and we see old apple computers, final episode of MASH, Michael Jackson performs the moonwalk, Sally Ride, and finally Reagan announces GPS technology becoming public.

We open on the streets of NYC as our main character Will, played by Jim Stirgess, runs a three-card monte table. An elderly woman brushes past him and whispers “cops” and he runs away and down an alley. He laughs before he realizes there is someone else in the alley laughing. He turns and sees no one but upon turning around is attacked by demon looking men we are so accustomed to from the last 2 films.

He fights them off a bit and they regroup, he yells at them and they look nervous. He thinks they are afraid of him, but he his pushed aside by an older man. He yells for the man to get out of the way, but the man throws his coat aside and we see the twin silver revolvers of Charles Taft! He quickly kills the demons and drags Will into his underground base.

Charles is 86 and played by Ian McKellan. Charles gives him the run down, Tells him about his siblings and how they fought the demons in the 30s. Robert died, and he hasn’t spoken to Helen in years. The death of his brother weighs heavy on him and he became a recluse. His lair is decorated with a lot of history.

Will points out a rifle on the wall, “An Italian bolt action, like Oswald used”

Charles- “Yes, that’s it.”

Will- “Wait this is Oswald’s gun? The gun that killed Kennedy?”

Charles- “Not quite. It’s Oswald’s gun, but thats the gun that killed Kennedy (pointing at a gun on another wall). He was a demon, long story. ”

Charles tells Will that the demons are after him because he has some of William Taft’s spirit in him. Will agrees to help him and they begin the training. MONTAGE!

Charles sends Will on a reconnaissance mission. He breaks into a warehouse and learns of the demons plot to use the GPS satellite system Reagan announced to possess people on a mass scale. The demons quiet down when one of them shouts “he is coming.” Jason Isaac playing the same villain he played from the original enters and the demons cower! Isaac gives an evil speech but pauses and sniffs. “Taft? How?” Will knocks over something and Isaac sees him. Will runs and fights off some demons. The same homeless looking old women from before tells him to run down an alley and he does, when he turns around the street behind him is gone. He is confused but goes back to Charles’ lair.

He tells Charles about the demon’s plans and the arrival of Isaac (I NEVER NAMED HIM!). He mentions the old woman and the alley and Charles freezes, but tells Will to continue. The two decide they need to face Isaac head on and end this once and for all. They travel to some government base where the GPS system is housed (nonsense). They arrive as the army is in a losing fight to the demon horde. Huge fight ensues and it blows all action sequences from the first 2 out of the water. Will and Charles are beaten back but the old woman appears. She tosses her hood aside and it Maggie Smith playing the now 92 Helen Taft. She takes out a group of demons with her magic.

They find Isaac and Will fights him as the two siblings begin the spell that will banish him once and for all. Will beats back Isaac as a portal begins to open. Isaaz gets the upper hand but imaging from the portal is William and Robert Taft to help. The reunited family and Will fight more demons as the spell is successful. Isaac is beaten back. Willaim Taft says it is finally over.

Will turns to leave but no one follows him. He seems confused, but Charles tells him the world no longer needs the Tafts. The family comes together and enters a separate portal to leave after thanking Will. We see an older Will telling the story to his children. He closes the story of Taft and says goodnight to his children.

The End.

Cherry Goo Goo

We open in space and a flying saucer flies by the camera. The soundtrack has a lot of theremin in it, it is very reminiscent of 50’s B science fiction music. We cut to inside the UFO and there are three 50’s style aliens. The aliens are played by Tim Heidecker, Kristen Schaal and Chris Pratt. The aliens are rendered in very bad CG. One of the aliens is doing some type of weird experiments. The other two tease the scientist alien (let’s say Tim Heidecker and call him Tim) because he is obsessed with Earth cows, and only wants to abduct them. Tim says that they can make fun of him all they want, but he has created something that will finally get them the respect they deserve.

Tim explains that he has created a device that can read the thoughts of every human being on the planet. The device will take a snapshot of all the thoughts at one moment in time. He has rigged it so that they will find out who the most popular person on earth is by figuring out the person that the most people are thinking about.

After some bad CG particle effects, the device comes back with an answer- Cherry Goo Goo. Cherry is pretty much Honey Boo Boo, she is played by an unknown child actor who does a great job, but her career never takes off, and she becomes a fixture in the tabloids. The aliens decide to kidnap her to really mess with the humans to to get respect of the other aliens on their homeworld.

The aliens transport to the southern United States. They transform into human forms so they can blend in. Tim has miscalculated and they are much further from Cherry’s home than he had planned. That of course mean it’s time for a road trip. They steal an RV from a family and begin their adventures.

There is a lot of “comedy” about how the aliens don’t understand human culture-they don’t get how forks work! The tone is really weird, it seems like this should be a kids movie, but there is strange gross-out humor (a lot of anal prob jokes) and the movie ends up being rated PG-13, so there is no audience for it.

After their long road trip they are get to the town Cherry lives in. When they are at a diner they have a run-in with a group of rednecks (the last of many). The Alien played by Chris Pratt (let’s call him Chris) is a strong headed one and ends up getting beaten up by the rednecks. The other aliens don’t know how to help him so they put him the in RV and hightail it out of there.

They are driving recklessly and end up crashing. Of course they crash right in front of Cherry’s house. Cherry’s family are strange, but they end up being really nice. They help nurse Chris back to health.

When Chris is feeling better, they aliens talk about how guilty they feel that they were going to kidnap Cherry. Chris disagrees and says they should still go through with the plan, he doesn’t want to keep being an outcast on the homeworld. He is outvoted, but later on at night he kidnaps her on his own.

There is a long sequence of Tim and Kristen (the other alien) tracking Chris down. Tim is the only one of them that has the technology to transport them back to the ship. This sequence is intercut with news reports talking about the kidnapping about people’s responses to it. The people in the “man on the street” interviews are all really cruel, talking about how they had watched the show, but Cherry was a terrible person and she probably got what was coming to her, or that it was probably a publicity stunt.

The other aliens finally find Chris. Chris says how he just wants to be considered important and be respected by his species. Tim gives a long speech about how fickle fame is, about how the public at large can have very low opinions of even those they all know about. The only real way to be happy is internally, don’t let your self worth be dictated by how others see you.

This speech has the desired effect and he let’s Cherry go. Tim immediately teleports them all onto the ship (including Cherry).

Teleporting Cherry was an accident, and they all apologize and then explains who they are and then show her who they really are (bad CG creatures). To make it up to her they say they will give her what humans find valuable but is very abundant on their planet. They say that she will find it in the RV in front of her house, but that the lessons she taught them were worth much more than they could give to her. She hugs them all and they teleport her back to Earth.

After being united with her family she goes to explore the RV. It is completely filled with gold. The credits begin, and next to the credit scroll we see scenes from the latest season of Cherry Goo Goo, it is like the Beverly Hillbillies, the father has trucknuts on his Bentley, they order Big Macs at an expensive French restaurant, they try to enter their pot belly pig at the Westminster Dog Show etc. The End

Truck U opens on John Martin’s famous Food Truck, “Food N Things.”  John is played by an irish accented Alec Baldwin.  He is seen as somewhat of a legend in the food truck industry.  He’s been slinging all types of foods for years and all the other food trucks and carts look at him as a god.  He’s got the best location in all of NYC, right in the middle of Times Square.  We see in a few interviews everyone loves him, so obviously he’s about to die.   He dies and this sends a ripple through the food truckers, but it also opens the opportunity for one of the other food trucks to take over his location.   The way this world works, the only way you can get to work out of a dead truckers location is to compete in a cross country food truck race where you have to not only make  the most profit, but also win the race.  So that’s the back story.

Enter Marty Martin. Yes, Marty Martin.  He’s John’s son and a struggling line cook in NYC.  He’s played by Breckin Meyer.   Marty is saddened at his fathers death and attends the funeral.  Afterwards, his mother, played by Kim Basinger tells him that John left him something.  Basically it’s a video telling Marty that the only person worthy of taking over the Times Square location is him.  Even though he’s never worked for himself, he knows that Marty has the creativity to pull it off. Marty decides to take his fathers truck, left to him in the inheritance, buy a bunch of food and get ready for the race.  He brings along his girlfriend Vanessa, played by Felicity Jones as moral support.

After a few weeks, Marty is ready and goes to the start of the race.  Basically it’s a rally race starting in NYC, going to Florida, New Orleans, Texas, Vegas, California, Kansas, Chicago, Boston and NYC.  The first cart back with the most money wins the spot.  TV crews even cover this event.  The other competitors are Stuart Worthington, played by Hugh Laurie (the bad guy), Jamal Crawford played by Derek Luke (the ally), Win Chin played by Ken Jeong (the weird one), and  Nancy Bart played by Melissa Leo (the tough old stereotypical lesbian-ish).  There are a few other randoms, but they don’t get lines.  As the race begins it’s clear that Stuart has the most advanced vehicle and is probably the best cook, so Jamal and Marty decide to team up, and help each other along the way (this is actually counterintuitive to the idea of the race).  The race starts and right off the bat Stuart, Win, and Nancy are in front.

Marty and Vanessa are having car problems right off the bat, and Jamal agrees to help them fix their truck in exchange for some of their fresh produce.  He says that no matter what happens he wants a good team to win the race and Marty and Vanessa seem like good people.  We see Jamal start telling a flashback about how Stuarts food is all overpriced, and he plans to win by seducing people with his Brit charm.  Win’s food is all weird and odd and makes people sick, and Nancy’s food is pretty good, but not good enough to take over for the legend John Martin.  So that’s why he hopes one of them win.  He’s been food trucking for years,  it’s in his blood or something.

So that was just an excuse for exposition.  Now we see Marty and Jamal making their way to FL.  They are last but people really love their food.  Marty’s take on classic american, and Jamal’s soul food (yup) really are a hit with the South Beach patrons, but thought their food is good, they are in last place.  We now see a montage of them making in through other states, so to advance the film to California, where Marty, with Jamal’s help catches up to Stuart.  We find out here that Stuart paid Nancy to mess up Marty’s truck and Win to steal Jamal’s produce.  Marty gets in Stuart’s face and said he may have gotten in their way before, but they are going to let their food speak for itself.  Everyone starts selling on Venice Beach and everyone is loving Marty’s stuff, but Stuarts is so fancy and expensive, that he’s making more money yet again.  It continues like this until we get to back NYC .

So now that we know good guys are good and bad guys are bad it’s time for one last food competition right near the times square spot, and John appears in the clouds to Marty.  He says that it doesn’t matter if he wins or loses, cause we all know his foods the best.  Jamal and Vanessa tell him he’s the only one who can beat Stuart, but he’ll have to raise his prices.  Marty says no.  He says if he does that he’s no better.  He ends up serving way more people than Stuart, but loses yet again due to Stuart’s crazy prices.  Marty admits defeat, but he knows he won something better, (the newscrew is here by the way).  He says he won the respect of the people who eat his food.  He says that food trucks have been fighting each other for years and for what? So they could be the best?  He says that he imagines a world where all the food trucks come together and join together, instead of tearing each other apart.  The speech goes on and people cheer at the end, but Stuart says that doesn’t matter cause he lost.   But then Win lets it slip that he was paid to sabotage the other trucks in the race by Stuart and Stuart is not only disqualified, but all the extra’s with food trucks converge onto him and chase him.  Marty looks over Stuart running, gives him the finger and says “Truck you!” before kissing Vanessa.  That means the real winner is Marty.  Jamal congratulates him and begins to walk off, but Marty says he couldn’t have done it (whatever it is) alone, and says he deserves the win almost as much as he.

We cut to two months later and Marty and Jamal have opened up a series of smaller food carts in that area, so that people can try all of the great food options from all over NYC.  Even Win and Nancy have come together to join them.  We see John Martin looking up in the sky again proudly.

The End.

With sound so crisp you could snack on it’s deliciousness for days, but honestly who needs that many carbs? Time for another Movie Movie Podcast! This time it’s personal. Join Alex, Peter, Russ and myself as we toss back Taken 2, aca-argue about Pitch Perfect and go absolutely nutty (thought I was gonna say loopy, didn’t you?) for Looper. Recorded on October 8th 2012 at The Goo in NYC by our very good friend and bro-ducer Matt “I’d have no problem killing my future self” Giordano. Thanks again, Matt, for making this podcast sound SUPURB!

A new Poster for The Word’s End was just posted. It’s pretty cool, but honestly it could have just been text that said “A Film By Edgar Wright” and I’d buy a ticket.

Via Empire

It looks like this poster is a Comic Con exclusive. It’s beautiful, and it is making me way too impatient for summer of next year. I really wish I was going to Comic Con on Friday, apparently Del Toro is signing these bad boys at 2pm, curses!

Via Boing Boing

So we are finally post Night of the Living Dead. Tombs of the Blind Dead is the first of the Blind Dead series and has three sequels, all pretty decent flicks. The zombies in this one have a cool backstory- in the middle ages, the Knights Templar begin using black magic in an attempt to gain eternal life, they were killed for their crimes and crows ate their eyes out, they of course are resurrected and start to kill. It’s a great series, but unfortunately, just like a lot of other 70s grindhouse movies, it contains a lot of rape. Other than that, it is totally worth checking out.

It looks like everyone involved in this film is having the best time ever whilst filming it.  Leonardo DiCaprio will probably finally get his Oscar. Maybe.

Check it:

Morrison recently began the series ‘Happy’ with artist Darick Robertson. What starts as a seemingly normal story of a hard boiled former cop who gets shot and starts seeing a tiny blue flying horse.

This is perfect for RZA. Morrison is reportedly working on the script

Enjoy this trailer. Hopkins and Mirren seem to have great chemistry and will be the ones to look to carry this movie.

This film was one of my least favorite movies ever growing up.  It was one of the few movies for kids I would rather turn the TV off than watch.  Leave it to the powers that be at the Mouse House to reboot this into a big-budget franchise.

I’ve stopped asking “Why?” It serves no purpose.  We all know that studios believe that SOME recognition is better than a completely new idea, and if you already have the rights to something, hell, you’re pretty much done.  Disney has aggressively been going after the young male demo for the last few years with mixed results.  For every Avengers and Wreck-It Ralph, we get John Carter or Mars Needs Moms.  I have a feeling whatever they do with Condorman is going to be pure ass.

The Ice Planet Hath has signed on for ‘The Low Self-Esteem of Lizzie Gillespie’ and no it is not a Disney Channel series. The film co-written by current I-can’t-figure-out-how-IT-girl Mindy Kaling centers on woman whose low self-esteem has her only dating losers.

Get ready for the gorgeous Anne Hathaway having trouble finding a boyfriend!

i dare you to name me a ‘Peanuts’ special other than ‘Christmas’ and the ‘Great Pumpkin.’ Also the special you were miraculously able to name was probably bad.

Now let’s remember the ‘Chipmunk’ films, the Doctor Seuss adaptations, and everything else in the past decade that Hollywood has taken from your childhood and dragged through the mud.

Beware!

This is fun. ‘Wreck-it Ralph’ premieres November 2nd, expect us first in line.

It was announced very early on that ‘Haywire’ and former MMA star Gina Carano is in. Our newest addition is ‘Battlestar Galactica’ tough gal Katee Sackhoff will be joining her.

Fun move here. She has a lot of nerdy fans that will follow her into the theater. She plays tough girl really well, but can’t also act at an emotional level that Carano can’t.

Very excited to hear more about this film.

Either way they decide to go on this one I’m into for Avengers 2.  Carol Danvers being brought into the Cinematic Marvel Universe is nothing short of brilliant.  I, like many others, feel like she’s the woman who Phil Coulson dated, so bringing her in for that reason makes sense.  The fact that she is one of the better female characters in the Marvel U and they are going the cosmic route for the next set of films, this makes sense.  The fact that they are pretty much only looking at English actresses, because they are better at acting also makes sense.

Emily Blunt I think is the safer choice, but slightly more expensive choice.  I think she could play this role well.  She was originally set to play Black Widow, but had to drop out of the role due to scheduling conflicts.  She can play an american very well (see: Looper), and she’s not so recognizable that you’ll associate her with other films.  She can BE Carol Danvers.

Ruth Wilson I think is the better choice.  Marvel likes to hire their actors on a shoestring pay scale, but wrap them into multi-film deals, which would likely work better for Wilson than Blunt.  She’s already the female lead in The Lone Ranger, another Disney film, which despite being a mess of a production, I’m going to see.  She’s purely MAGNETIC in Luther.  She plays the best female character on tv, this side of Homeland.  She’s unusually gorgeous, and I feel like she would greatly fit the mold of awesomely strong, funny, smart female characters that Whedon writes.

I honestly don’t care which way they go, because I’m so happy Danvers/Ms. Marvel/Captain Marvel is going to brought into the fold.  I hope it’s Wilson though.

Presence

We open on a couple, spending a lot of time together. Let’s just call them Sara and John. Anyway, we see the two of them together doing couply things for a while. We watch them grow together for 3 and a half years when, though they never move in with each other (even though Sara mentions it a few times). John is a loser and has a shit job. He finds out that a promotion he had been expecting for a year is not going to happen and decides to quit and look for something better which he is able to find.

Finally feeling more financially stable in his life John starts thinking a lot about moving in with Sara. At this point Sara has grown increasingly frustrated with their relationship and doesn’t want to keep going on. She tells John this one Friday night, and he doesn’t take it super well. Beng the loser he is he walks to the nearest video game store and picks up a new game and locks himself in his room for the next week before he starts his new job.

He starts hanging out with his friends who he hasn’t seen in a while and they are incredibly welcoming to him. They pick up like nothing has changed and John is incredibly happy to not feel completely alone. They decide to start up a new website and podcast and they all have a great time with it.

The new job is going well but it’s pretty tough, long hours and a lot of work. While out at a bar one night with co-workers he sees a girl who looks exactly like Sara, played by the same actress. John goes over to her but she’s not interested. He sees her again the next day going into an apartment building. He follows her to where she works and decides to quit his job and try to get hired there (luckily there is a programming position open for him there). He gets the job and moves to be closer to her as well.

He tries to talk to her at work but she still has no interest in talking to John. But he is obsessed, he can’t sleep, eats a lot though, and smokes far too much to keep any one sane.

He cannot concentrate at his new job and expels all his energy trying to get her to notice him. John eventually loses this job. He starts looking for jobs out-of-state but he never gets a call back from any of them. He decides to move again, finds a person on some movie off brand Craigslist equivalent and moves in with the person. While his roommate goes out John stays in most nights going to the movies by himself and playing games.

John has a random encounter with a girl he used to know and they become very close after a very short time. John tries to reclaim the feeling of a long-term relationship after only a few weeks. The girl feels suffocated and breaks up with John.

He isn’t as broken up about this though and instead finds a greater sense of self-esteem from this. John goes out more and is hanging out with his friends more. He goes to the movies with his friends, they all sit in a row together, the lights come down as the movie begins and we fade to black.

THE END

Hungry Hungry Hippos

We open on a family of Hippos (off to a great start!).

They are hanging in a river bathing. The young hippo, Curtis, voiced be Zac Effron, complains that he is hungry. His father tells him about some circle of life bullshit and how they only eat their share.

Curtis runs off to explore by himself and happens upon an Aid station and see’s their store of food they use to help the locals. Our focus flips to the aid workers. Our main human character Steve, voiced by Jay Baruchel, is a helpless romantic. We see he likes a girl that works there with him and we see him try to talk to her. Her name is Becky, voiced by Aubrey Plaza. She doesn’t get that he likes her and asks him to go get another crate of food. Steve goes into the food tent and finds Curtis eating the food. He screams and tries to run, comically falling over things. Curtis says he is sorry, STEVE CAN UNDERSTAND HIM!

They have that weird we can understand each other conversation movies do that are entirely too short and calm, but are interrupted by Becky. Steve does his best to get her out of the tent and get Curtis out the back. The two tumble away down a sand dune, and they walk towards the river where Curtis’ family was. Curtis mentions that he noticed how Steve was around Becky. The two talk about Steve’s troubles with ladies.

They arrive at the river but Curtis’s family is not there! They are attacked by a bask of crocodiles, but escape. The two go on a fun trip together where they learn more about the balance of life. Curtis see’s how there are people all around him that are also hungry hungry. They have more adventures and Steve becomes brave and is able to talk to Becky and Curtis finds his family.

I hated every part of this. I hope you do too.

Mother of God

Mother of God stars Freddie Highmore as Sam, the son of a Priest and a Nun respectively played by Ewan McGregor, and Jennifer Garner.

The basic premise is as follows.  (flashback) Way back in the mid 90′s James and Mary were in love.  They went to college together and were total sweethearts.  One night they finally decided to consummate their love for each other and have sex.  Weeks later Mary found out she was pregnant and told James.  This is a huge problem because James was planning to become a priest after college and Mary a nun.  Because of family pressures neither could go back on their paths.  She vowed to have an abortion, and because of all that strain she moved away to join a different nunnery.  James never saw her again.

We flash forward to the present and see Father James performing a mass ceremony in Jersey.  He doesn’t look particularly happy, but his patrons (mostly old women) seem to really like him.  Right as the mass is about to end, James sees a young man sitting in the pews.  After mass he goes to the young man and introduces himself.  The young man says that his name is Sam and he’s Father James’ son.  James says that he has many sons in the eyes of god or some dumb stuff and Sam says that he is truly his son, and pulls out a picture of Mary.  At this point James tells Sam to be very careful with what he’s saying and if it is money that he’s after, he doesn’t have any.  Sam says he’s not looking for money, so James says, perhaps he should leave then.

The next day Sam comes back and sits in confession with Father James.  Here he tells James the story of how Mary left James because she knew his commitment to God was so strong and that she couldn’t be a nun with a child, and how she raised Sam to be a good child and a good man, and how she passed away last month.  This gets James’ attention.  He asks how and the camera flashes back to her with a bald head so we can assume cancer.  She’s already been buried, but she asked Sam with her final breath to meet the father he never knew.  This all seems like so much so fast, but James overcome with grief decides he wants to visit her gravestone and her family etc.

It is a Monday, and James doesn’t have to be back until Sunday mass, so they decide to travel to Detroit, where Mary moved to visit her grave.  As they road trip, Sam tells James stories about Mary from his perspective, and James tells Sam about Mary from his perspective, so Jennifer Garner gets a ton of flashback acting work here.  It is clear that Sam and James are pretty similar people.  A bunch of textbook road trip stuff happens as they drive to Detroit.  They get in a bar fight, their car breaks down, and they spend a night in jail.  I really don’t care how that stuff happens, just know that it does.  By the time the trip to Detroit is over Sam and James have really grown closer together.  When they arrive at Mary’s parent’s house, James is nervous to go in because after all these years he’s not been around.  Sam brings him in and the grandparents played by Dianne Wiest and Brian Cox have different reactions to seeing him.  Grandma Jill is happy to see him after all these years, but Grandpa Bob is furious with him that after all these years he decided to reach out them.  He says that Mary longed for him for years and raised their kid alone, because James was too chickenshit to go after her.  He hid behind his religion etc.  James says he was sorry and he was scared.  Bob says that doesn’t bring Mary back (though the two ideas don’t even correspond cause she died of cancer).  James walks outside and says this was a mistake.  Sam goes after him, but he drives off.  Sam runs upstairs and it followed by Jill.

Jill sits with Sam and tells Bob to come upstairs.  They sit down as a family and Jill says a bunch of stuff about how they lost a daughter, but they have the opportunity to gain a son, and Sam a father.  By now it is Friday and James will be leaving the next day to get back for Mass in time.  James comes back to the house the next day and apologizes for never trying to find her, but he thought she hadn’t forgiven him for the abortion and he felt like he had to atone for his sins by staying out of her life.  She was the only person who ever made him question his path in life and he thought that was dangerous, but now he sees that was true love.  He’s lost her, but he’ll think about her everyday.  Bob and Jill forgive him and Sam does as well because he’s all Sam has left.  Bob and Jill are getting older and have no other family.  James asks Sam to come back with him, he doesn’t know what the church will say, but he doesn’t care.  He’s not losing his son again.  Sam can’t because Bob and Jill don’t have anyone else and they are getting old.  He helps take care of them.  James then decides that he’ll come back every few months and send money in the meantime (he doesn’t have any, but whatever, he’s a priest), and they all agree that James there sometimes is better than not at all.

We see Saturday evening that it’s too late for James to drive back in time for mass, and he says he’ll use his discretionary funds to just book a red eye flight in the morning.  The family is bonding looking at pictures of Mary and then a flashback scene of the first time Mary and James met happens.  As we come out of the flashback we see the camera focus onto James, while everyone else is talking in the background.  We see he’s realizing, these are his people.  He has a responsibility to them.  The next morning Sam comes downstairs to James making them all pancakes and tells James he’ll miss his flight if he doesn’t leave now.  James says he doesn’t care about that.  He’s exactly where he wants to be.  Jill and Bob come downstairs and he tells them that he is staying.  He’ll get a job teaching in a school, but if having a son means he can’t be a priest, so be it.  The film closes on another flashback of Mary.  Mary brought them all together and stuff, and we see a random scene of James and Mary when they were younger running in a field.  The camera fixes onto Mary, and fades to black.

The End.

Was not expecting this today. Just a day after we see the first official picture we get a quick cut teaser here with Bruce Willis phoning in a line at the end.

BUT I AM SO EXCITED!

I’m incredibly in. I really get the feeling that we will be seeing a younger Gruber descendent as the villain here. Probably a son of one of them. OR BOTH?!? Some weird Billy Crystal/Robin Williams ‘Father’s Day’ thing going on.

Not surprising, this trailer milks Johnny Depp for all he’s worth. It milks Gore Verbinski and the Pirate films. The first 20+ seconds is just about the companies that made this film. This is an AD. This is hardly a trailer for this bloated budget of a film.

This movie has some potential. The chemistry between Streisand and Rogen is fun. The Grand Canyon scene was funny in a great conversational way the rest of the film needs to be. It also could be a huge pile of shit. Who knows!?

It really feels that there will be a red band trailer for this film. Mostly not mentioning the product makes it seem like there is some dirty stuff in this film, also it’s Rogen.

Watch the first minute of this trailer and tell me it doesn’t feel like ‘Brave’, even before you see the girl has red hair too. Then it gets a bit interesting with it’s visuals. Dreamworks Animation has had a ton of animation success lately, but this just isn’t hitting me. Thoughts?

‘Rise of the Planet of the Apes’ was one of the biggest surprises in years. I can’t think of a movie recently that I had less hope for that turned out to be so good. Sadly director Rupert Wyatt walked away from the sequel and I started worrying. But Matt Reeves is here to save the day for ‘Dawn of the Planet of the Apes’

Now we have another competent director taking over the script written by the original writing team. I am greatly looking forward to more news of a plot and cast.

Donald Westlake wrote many novels about the character Parker under the psyedonym Richard Stark. Now that I’ve gotten that bit of useless info out of the way, let’s talk about the movie.

Many films have been based upon the Parker character novels, none of which were ever allowed to use the name Parker though. The most recent being 1996′s Mel Gibson starring film ‘Paycheck.’ Not sure why the name is being used now for Jason Statham (who looks like he wants to eat the camera’s face at the beginning of his intro).

This is based on the novel “FlashFire” and it’s nice seeing Chiklis doing something, but horrible seeing Jennifer Lopez pretend she is not irrelevant.

I highly suggest checking out Darwyn Cooke’s comic adaptations of the novels “Parker: The Hunter”, “Parker: The Score”, “Parker: The Outfit”

Amazon

Or just borrow them from me.

Space Moby Dick.

‘Mobius’ apparently follows the idea of a captain obsessed with hunting down a creature, but, you know, in space. I actually think this could be interesting if done with the same emotional level of Kevin. Russ already discussed two competing Moby Dick Films, so a cool sci-fi version is ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY.

Even though this is a Futurama episode, which is actually named ‘Mobius Dick.’ Here’s an awesome fan made trailer.

Costner will play a dying Secret Service agent who decides to retire in order to reconnect with his estranged family. When the Secret Service offers him access to an experimental drug that could save his life in exchange for one last assignment, he finds himself trying to juggle his family, his mission and the drug’s hallucinatory side effects.

Kevin Costner’s involvement only makes this movie’s success more difficult to predict. I’m looking forward to a trailer. To make this story even sillier, the title of the film is ‘Three Days to Kill.’

My god the title of this article is incredible. You’re welcome. Yesterday and today have been a movie news explosion and I’m in the process of sharing 8 or so stories with you. go on this journey with me, won’t you?

Above is the first official photo from the upcoming film ‘Horns.’ Based upon the novel by Joe Hill, writer of the amazing comic “Locke and Key” and also son of Stephen King.

The story is set around a young man who’s girlfriend is murdered and everyone believes he is the killer. He wakes up one morning with horns and people mysteriously complelled to confess misdeeds and uses this ability to track the real killer.

We have our first OFFICIAL look at the McClane and son from the upcoming ‘A Good Day to Die Hard.’ Yes that is the actual title. Jai Courtney, yes that is his actual name, takes up the role as John Jr. If he is even half as cool as his sister Lucy McClane, this should be fun. He is so far described as a bit more straight laced and strategy focused than his father which should make for some interesting chemistry. John McClane has never made a plan other than

1. Arrive
2. Have shit go down
3. Yipee Ki-yay Mother-fucker.

From the trailer I saw: Anna Faris, Chris Pratt, Emma Stone, Kieran Culkin, Terrence Howard, Kate Winslet, Hugh Jackman, Halle Berry, Liev Schreiber, Elizabeth Banks, Johnny Knoxville, Seann William Scott, Richard Gere, Chloe Grace Moretz, Kate Bosworth, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Jack McBrayer, and JB Smoove.  I’m probably missing one or two, but christ that’s an impressive grouping of people who seem to have no problem being in a raunchy comedy.

Check it:

Once the movie got going it was enjoyable enough to deserve to exist. What is more important is this movie start with a bang and keeps energy up. I can’t sit through more Peter Parker boring time. I really think public perception was that this was entirely too soon and this needs to knock it out of the park for people to really care.

The 1960′s brings us to maybe the best movie title ever The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies!!? The movie is god-awful but it did lead to a classic episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000. The trailer gives a good taste of the insanity of the film, so just imagine that stretched out to feature length (or watch the film below). Let’s get to a post Romero era where there are decent zombie flicks (in fairness, 1966 did have The Plague of the Zombies a great Hammer Horror flick, but it is an exception). I also included a video with clips from the MST3K episode.

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the main event! The Movie Movie Podcast crew is back in action, with a couple of great picks for you to see this week and a couple of sound issues as well. Join Alex, Peter, Russ and myself as we discuss Dredd 3D, End of Watch and The Master. Recorded on September 30th 2012 at Champions Studios in NYC.

Pink Feather Boa

We open on Professor Ben Walters teaching a college class about reptiles. He is obviously infatuated with snakes, going into great detail about them. He is wearing a tie with snakes on it. The class is mostly asleep, save for the few students who are furiously taking notes. A bell rings (because that happens at this college) and all the students jump and run out. Walters starts to put his things together when his friend, Doctor Arnold Cauler comes in. They talk a bit and then head out for lunch.

Cauler tells Walters that he has a great opportunity for him and some students. Over the spring break he can take his best and brightest to the rainforest for some up close nature lessons. Walters thinks it over and agress.

Next we see Cauler, Walters and 4 of his students, a female soccer player (who finds anything and everything to kick and volley to herself), a male drama student (who is always giving some monologue), a female history major (who constantly relates what’s going on to historical events), and a male computer programmer (who is constantly looking for a cell signal), boarding a plane. There are hijinks on the plane, the students all have playful rowdy fun.

They arrive at their destination and are met by local Tanzen, who doesn’t speak and english but will be with them the rest of the trip. They explore the rainforest some, taking pictures and Walters is giving impromptu lessons. Couler is seen walking off and exploring on his own a lot. There are lots of jump scares throughout of animals falling around them and such. They have a run in with a wild boar and its very tense, they kill and cook the boar at a camp fire. They all tell stories, Walters tells of how his parents died infront of him, at a freak zoo accident. A posonius snake had gotten loose and bit his mother, his father tried to get the snake away but was bit as well. They needed Walters to suck the venom out but he couldn’t do it, no one was able to reach them in time.

There trek leads them down a river, Tanzen always pointing at stuff and saying things no one can understand.

Eventually they come upon an abandonded city. They are all awestruck. The kids go off exploring and Walters asks Couler, “Is this what I think it is?” Couler nods and walks off. There are statues of big snakes everywhere. A few jump scares later and we’re at night time, the group is all hanging out, Tanzen is cooking something he killed after the history student was scared by it. The drama student goes to step on a baby snake and Tanzen stops him and says something he can’t understand. When Tanzen’s back is turned, the student squashes the snake.

During dinner the drama student is giving some long soliloquy from Richard III when a giant snake wraps around him and pulls him into the water, they all try to save him, he struggles, as he’s swimming towards the boat the snakes comes up from the water, his eyes pink and bright, and bites him in half, they all scream and run. Couler pulls out a gun and says no one is leaving, that what killed the student was the extremely rare and valuable Pink Feather Boa Constrictor, and they’re not leaving there without it. The history major gets up and keeps walking, screaming at Couler, who lets her finish her rant, asks, “are you done” and then shoots her.

He says they need to use her as bait, she is still alive and begs for mercy. Couler is able to convince them to lower her into the water, it’s very tense but the snake never comes for her. Couler starts some ancient chant that is supposed to bring about the snake, but Tanzen tackles him, there is a struggle, Walters gets the gun and holds Couler up. Walters tells him they are all getting out of there and they can leave him behind. Couler then lets loose that there is no flight back yet, that they had a private plane because a wealthy business man flew them there with the intention of catching the snake, they have no legal visas or papers and would be thrown in jail immediately, and that they won’t be able to board a plane without the snake.

They pull the student out of the water and put Couler in. The snake still doesn’t come so Walters starts destroying the statues which angers the snake (for some reason). The snake goes past Couler and for Walters, who is able to dodge out of the way. The soccer player kicks a tracking device onto the snake and the computer nerd is able to track it. They try to set up traps for the snake made up of wood and stone, but nothing stays together. The beeping of the rader starts to pulse faster, then disappears  after an odd silence the snake appears from the water, as tall as the tallest structure near by and snatches Tanzen and drags him into the water. Couler tells them he brought more guns, they let him loose and give everyone a gun.

They all start firing into the water. The snake pops up from underneath and wraps itself around the soccer player, and squeezes so tight her head pops off then heads back into the water. They all head onto the land locked area. The computer neard climbs a tree, Couler takes up a spot up high and Walters is close by to the water. In the tree behind the nerd the snakes eyes are visable, it grabs a hold of him and starts to toss him around, destroying the tree and leaving him in pieces.

Couler and Walters have some huge fight during which the history student tells them to shut up and gives some speech about having to work together when the snake comes up and swallows her whole. Walters turns the gun on Couler, telling him it’s all his fault. They have a stand off which leads to Couler shooting Walters and tying him up. He places him in the water and starts the chat again. The snake is seen coming towards them at an incredible rate, passes right by Walters and puts its huge teeth right into Couler’s abdomen and rushes away. Walters struggles and releases himself from the trap, Couler screams for help. Walters takes Couler by the hand and tosses him in the river, the snake comes and grabs him in an explosion of blood. Walters starts to crawl away, but the snake comes back for him. Walters looks back and starts to fire on the snake, but it still doesn’t phase it. The snake bites his leg, but doesn’t take it clean off. Walters shoots a big standing statue, which falls on the snake. The snake appears to be dead, and Walter releases himself from its grip.

Everything starts to go blurry for him, and when he wakes up Tanzen is next to him, and has bandaged him up. He asks Tanzen about the snake but he shakes his head. They start to leave, it’s only been a short while, and head up the river. The snake pops up behind them and crashes into the boat, Tanzen is thrown from the boat and the constrictor has its mouth open waiting for Walters to fall in. He sees and gasoline can meant for the engine, throws it at the snakes mouth and start to fire. There is an explosion and the boat goes up in flames, along with the snake and Walters. Tanzen is seen on land looking out and jumps into the water to pull out the history major who is still alive. They head to the airport with pieces of the snake in a big box. She hands them to the wealthy financier, who says something snarky. She kicks him in the crotch and gets on the plane back home.

The End

The Valley

We begin with a voice over by the main character Kara, played by Mia Wasikowska, as she explains the world. It is the far future and cities have all been destroyed. Most of the world is scorcthed but those few who escaped to the north, the remaining humans have banded into tribes. There are those of the land, and those of the knife. Farmers work the land. Hunters and warriors depend on the knife to survive. The two tribes do not get along. They struggle to keep their way. Some believe in a fertile land, untouched by the devastation. It is called the Valley (TITLE APPEARS!)

Kara walks quietly through a forest, stalking some prey. She sees a deer looking creature, but it’s a weird future movie so they look weird so more antlers, and fixes and arrow on her bow. She stops when she sees a boy approaching the deer with a carrot, but it’s a weird future so the carrot is strange so more antlers. She hesitates, but an arrow flies through the deer’s neck. The boy runs. Her older brother Tek, is the one that killed the deer and chastises her about hesitating on their way back.

At dinner her father lectures her about the Tribe of the Land. They are foolish and hope for a better world, that she needs to stay away from them and survive in the world they have. The next day she goes back into the forest and the boy is there again. His name is Cotter, played by Jonny Weston. The two argue about their respective tribes and Kara laughs at him when he mentions the Valley. Cotter yells that it is real but is cut off as a huge elephant like beast runs at them (the elephant has 6 antlers). The two run off, Kara yells at Cotter that he’s going the wrong way and runs after him. They reach the end of the edge of a cliff and into the river below.

They emerge from the river and Kara yells at him about how there is no way back up the cliff before she passes out. She awakes later to find Cotter treating a gash on her head. He tells her about how his people know all about healing and living with the land. They argue about their respective ways of life. They set up camp and there is a fun sight gag that night as Cotter sits eating small berries as Kara chomps on a giant leg from a rabbit (3 antlers) she killed.

They walk the next day a bit and come across a dead body. The man wears things they’ve never seen before. In his pocket they find a map to the valley. The spend some time traveling along the route the map says. They fight creatures and stuff and start to bond. A large antlered tiger attacks them one night and Cotter is hurt. He is hurt but teaches Kara how to heal him. She tells him she’ll teach him how to hunt better and they almost kiss.

Cotter is attacked the next day by Tek! Kara fights him off and they argue. She tells him about the Valley but he doesn’t believe her and tries to take her back with him. Tek is attacked buy a crazy crocodile ostrich hybrid (no antlers) and killed. It attacks Kara but Cotter appears and kills hit. They emerge from the forest and find the Valley. It’s a small city with plenty of room, cattle, farms. The two kiss and we time jump to the two tribes arriving to live there.

The END

The God Particle

The opening titles consists of crazy physics equations on a chalkboard, the camera flies around as the equations are written, equations transform into the directors, actors etc names. A John Carpenteresque synthy soundtrack plays. We cut to Rebecca (Mia Wasikowska) or Becca as her friends call her having dinner with her ultra orthodox Jewish parents. The parents are pretty much just stereotypes of what people imagine Jewish parents to be, they try to get Becca to eat more food etc. Things get more serious when her parents tell her that it isn’t enough just to wear her necklace (Becca always wears a star of David necklace), she should be more of a member of her community. Becca says she has been having a hard time with her faith, but says she has to leave before the conversation can get heated.

Becca works as a particle physicist at a CERN-like particle accelerator. Ben (Chris Hardwick) is her good natured nerdy colleague. It is late at night, and they are alone. They talk some science for a bit and it is clear that they are going to test the particle accelerator. Ben gets philosophical for moment and talks about how important their work is, and that they might “read the mind of God”, at which point Becca clutches her necklace.

There is some more science as they begin the test. There is a tense countdown. At zero the screen goes white and the sound drops out for a second. Ben looks over to Becca and says “Did you feel that”, she nods. Suddenly every small metal object in the room flies to the ceiling and hovers (including Becca’s necklace which gets a close up). They stay there for a few moments then drop to the floor. Ben and Becca share a “holy shit” look.

The team rush to one of the computers to get the readout.

Ben: “This must have picked up something…”

We see a bunch of random numbers scroll across the monitor.

Ben: “This makes no sense-”

Becca: “Oh my god, that’s my phone number.”

Ben: “What?”

Becca: “Right there, and there, it keeps coming up.”

Ben: “Oh shit… That’s my social security number … that’s the zip code where I grew up… What did we do?”

Becca: “Print a hexadecimal dump of this data.”

The printer goes to work, and Becca begins to looks through the pages.

Becca: “Oh God!”

She shows Ben the pages, the first few look like random hex numbers (1A4C0243BFE435156162A230B7EA0B6E1FB440 etc), but after a bit you can start to see the phrase DEADBECCA show up, until after a few pages, all the entire page is filled with DEADBECCADEADBECCA etc.

Ben freaks out a bit, but Becca gets him to focus. “We need to tell someone” she says. She takes his cell phone and tries to call their colleagues, but it is late and no one answers. They rush through the abandoned hallways and come to the main door but they can’t open it. Becca gives up and calls 911.

Becca: “I’m at Genco labs and I’m stuck inside, strange things are happening.”

Operator: “Calm down. Strange things you say?”

Becca: “Yeah, look that’s not important, if we could just get the fire department to pry open the door everything would be fine.”

Operator: “Well do you think that you might just being punished?”

Becca: “What? What the hell, just send someone”

Operator: “Your hubris may have caused colossal damage and you are being punished. Maybe the best course of action is to kill yourself. Just end it all right now.”

Becca freaks out and Ben calms her down.

They go into survival mode and find some food at a vending machine. They sit on the floor and have a measured conversation about what could have happened and what they might have unleashed. They agree to try to get some sleep and face this in the morning.

Becca has a Ken Russell type dream with biblical and apocalyptic imagery. She wakes to find Ben completely tripping out and stabbing himself in the eyes. Becca can’t help him and decides to confront directly whatever they had unleashed.

She goes to the particle accelerator and finds a glowing orb about the size of a golf ball.

Becca: “Who or what are you?”

Particle: “I am who am. I am the alpha and the omega.”

Becca: “I don’t believe you.”

Particle: “That is immaterial. I was an infinite being of infinite power, but a tiny part of me was ripped from my domain and transported here. Here, in the world of the finite. In a world where my powers are limited by physical laws. In a world where I am incomplete and weak. All because of your hubris and narcissism.”

Becca: “I didn’t know… how could I have known…”

Particle: “That is immaterial. There is nothing you can do to take back your actions.”

Becca: “Except… this!”

Becca grips her Star of David necklace and runs toward the glowing orb. She jumps on it, hanging in the air and pulls it towards her chest. There is a flash of light, and Becca is suspended in air (it is sort of like in the end of Highlander). A wave of light shoots out from her. The screen turns white for a moment. We begin to make out the outline of Becca. She is still suspended in air, but it looks purposeful, like she is in control. Her hair is flowing like she was underwater. Her eyes glow white. She looks at the camera.

Becca: “I am become flesh. Follow me!”

Cut to black, credits.

Gone

Jodie Foster stars as Lynn,  an uptight corporate business lady, who is about to negotiate the sale of Nakamura Industries to Future Forward Incorporated.  This will make FFI the most powerful tech company in the world.  Her boss, Lowell, played by Kevin Spacey is proud of her tenacity and says that she’ll take over the company someday and them into the future.  Lynn goes home proud of her accomplishments and just as she is about to settle down to have a glass of scotch, we hear “Mom!” and down the stairs runs her little autistic boy, James (he’s played by that kid on Parenthood).  Lynn is not really home a lot because she has a difficult time being a single mother to an autistic 12 year old, but she’s hired the BEST of help for him.  Loretta Devine plays James’ nanny, Charlotte.  Charlotte runs down the stairs after James as James asks Lynn if she’ll help him count the cars on the block (autistic kids do that right?).

Charlotte tries to explain to Lynn, that James has been growing restless lately,  running off outside of the house etc etc.  He’s getting to the point in life where he knows he’s different, and he needs his mother now more than ever.  Lynn, knows she should be around more and she promises that as soon as this merger goes through she’ll take a vacation, the three of them.  Charlotte says it needs to be just her and her son. Anyway the deal hits a snag, and takes longer to complete.  The Nakamura people want more money or something, so Lynn, getting fed up walks away from the negotiation table.  Ken Watanabe, stars as Mr. Nakamura.   He warns her that it is extremely impolite for a woman to walk away from a negotiation.  Bad things can happen.  Lynn asks if he’s threatening her, and he says no.  Just suggesting she stay where she is.  She leaves.

Upon getting home she calls out to James, deciding they are going to take the vacation anyway.  She doesn’t hear him anywhere, but in the closet she hears noise in his room.  Charlotte is in their tied up.  She says men came to get James.  They took him.  Lynn asks where like an idiot, but Charlotte doesn’t know.  At this point, we see something snap in Lynn.  She goes to her room and presses a button by her nightstand.  As it turns out she used to be Special Forces in the military, and has like all these knives and guns and shit.  It’s Jodie Foster tough girl mode.

She starts tracking the guys from evidence they left behind and she starts Taken style kicking all these masked guys asses.  When she unmasks one, he’s asian (i’m not saying what asian, for fear of being SUPER racist).  Lynn realizes that this goes deeper than just a kidnapping.  She goes to her mentor Washburn, played by John Hurt.  He trained her in the military, but also trained her in how to re-integrate into society or something.  Incase the audience didn’t figure it out yet, the bad guy is Mr. Nakamura.  Washburn’s job is to provide all the exposition as to why Nakamura is doing this.  None of the reasoning is really justifiable, but Lynn decides that if it costs her the job and the life she has, she’s going to kill Nakamura, thus ending the merger.

Lynn starts whoopin ass and then finally gets to Nakamura who has a gun to James’ head.  He mentions how he thought she’d get there sooner.  He says a bunch asian proverb-type stuff to let us know he’s not only old-school, but crazy, and then he says that she should have never walked away.   It would have never had to come to this.  She says that business is business.  He says that business and personal are one in the same, and when you insult one, you insult the other.  She says this between the two of them, leave James out of it.  He tosses James aside and says now what?  Lynn says that if she beats him hand to hand, then the deal goes down as she agreed, if not, he can have James and the deal goes down on his terms.  James screams “mom, no!” and Nakamura agrees.

They start fighting and Nakamura is destroying her,  but then she gets the upper hand in the last moment and has him pinned in some UFC style hold that could snap his neck.  Nakamura agrees to her terms of the merger, and Lynn says something really quippy at the end, but snaps his neck killing him.  Because he kidnapped her son, and was going to have his men kill her,  she gets off on self-defense, takes over the company, but immediately relinquishes the job, and takes all her millions of dollars and travels the world with her son, finally connecting with him, and training him to defend himself.  Doing this they really connect and they live happily ever after, until we see the shot of them training on the beach together, is really through binoculars, and it turns out the son of Mr. Nakamura has been following them.  We hear someone ask him, “Is it time yet, Nakamura-san?” and he replies, “No, but soon.”

SEQUEL!!!!

Credits roll

Via Aint It Cool

I’ve been aware of the documentary about it for a while now, but there hasn’t been too many updates. There was this trailer from a year ago:

But now there is a poster, and it is beautiful:

Via Boing Boing

There aren’t a lot of great zombie movies in the 50s, but there is some cheesy fun to be found with cheesy Z grade science fiction stuff. The most iconic and fun filled of that type is of course Plan 9 From Outer Space. I’d recommend doing a double feature of Plan 9 and Tim Burton’s Ed Wood, Ed Wood is amazing, and in its own way so is Plan 9. The full movie is below, and I might as well add the trailer for Ed Wood.

The 40s were a bad time for zombie films. I Walked with a Zombie is widely considered the best film of that era, but I haven’t seen it, though I do own it. So instead, here is King of the Zombies. King of the Zombies isn’t that bad of a film, but Jesus is it racist. Black character actor Mantan Moreland plays a servant and is the comic relief, and while he does have some good lines, his style of acting is… let’s say troubling. The trailer should give you a taste of what you are in for. The full movie is below… if you are in to that sort of thing.

I am at my wits end with Hollywood.  I get that monster movies will continually be revised and released etc, but why are we attaching hacks to projects that could be great.  Say what you want about Stephen Sommers’ Mummy films, but at least they were fun.  No they weren’t be any stretch the definitive Mummy film, but they were fun adventure films that killed time.  Len Wiseman can only make lense-flare filled action scenes with his wife front and center.  Nothing he has made gives me confidence this is a good idea.  What I can tell you is that Wiseman is the perfect director for a studio that doesn’t want to take risks.  He can make your movie on time, on a lower budget, and he wont be a problem to work with!  I’m sure he’s a nice guy, but we have to stop giving this guy major franchises.  He can’t do it.  He can film is wife’s butt awesomely though.

I think every studio should just stop and think WWGDTD (What Would Guillermo Del Toro Do?) when thinking about starting a new sci-fi/horror franchise.

This trailer is pretty great all the way up until the last line. At which point this whole trailer is turned to shit. Directed by Gus Van Sant, co-written by Matt Damon and John Krasinski, based on a story by David Eggers. All this good will goes down the drain with it’s overly cheesy trailer ending verbal emotion punch.

Hopefully Frances McDormand knocks this out of the park like she does with everything. Also there is something about Rosemarie DeWitt I just love.

There No Turning Black

Cedwick is a good kid. He’s smart, helps out around the house, does all of his school work, just a damn good kid. Trouble is he is the only one. The only white mage living in a town full of black mages’. His step parents have tried to turn him evil but there is nothing they can do to help. Their black magic spells don’t work on him, unlike all other white mages, so they decided they had to take him in.

He’s outcast by the kids at school, as he is the only one to do his work, and he is put in detention for it. When the other kids try to play pranks on the teachers, Cedwick tells the teacher or stop the dark spell and gets in trouble for it. There are scenes of him trying to fit in and adorable things happening instead. All the black mages laugh.

His best friend, Cat, a cat that was left with when he was a kid talks to Cedwick but no one else. So everyone thinks he is crazy as well. When Cat runs away one day Cedwick follows him and happens upon a crack in a wall where his teacher and step parents are talking.

“He can’t be evil, it is just not in his blood.”
“I can’t believe we are keeping HIM so close to us. We should have killed him years ago.”
“He has no idea…” at which point Cedwick is pulled away by some black mage kids.
He struggles, they take Cat and Cedwick gets pissed. He starts to hover, lightning striking behind him everywhere, his eyes gone completely white. The kid who took Cat is turned to wiped out of existence immediately. The other black mages are at first shocked, then scared then they think it is awesome.

Cedwick runs, Cat follows. Cat tells him he has always been different. Cedwick has a crying fit and says he can’t believe what he’s done. Cat tells him that is why he is there. He then goes on to explain how his mother, a black mage, fell in love with a white mage. They were both banished and Cedwick was labeled an abomination. Black mages love that so they took him in, but he always more a White mage then black. His step parents took him in knowing that he was immune to black magic and held all the anti-black magic that white mages were able to cast. If they could have taught him black magic, he could have become the most powerful mage in the world, or it would all go wrong and he would destroy all of them. Cat tells him he has a choice. He must leave forever or be destined to kill all the black mages, which has been prophesied.

Cedwick decides to leave. Days later as he is asleep his step parents find him, they were worried sick and everyone at school is looking for him after what happened. He tells them what Cat said but they say its all nonsense. When they get back to town Cedwick is the most popular kid in school.

He’s still a good kid and gets thrown in detention but all the black mages are trying to be thrown in detention too. He’s all happy but at the same time starts to get this creepy look on his face, like Alex at the end of A Clockwork Orange.

THE END

After credits scene!

Cat is heard talking to Cedwick’s step parents and teacher.

“I gave you and out, you could be safe.”
“He’s one of us, he wouldn’t eliminate our race.”
“You underestimate him.”
“That’s easy for you to say, he opens up to you.”
“I tell him the truth.”
“Have you told him the truth about who you are yet?”
“He doesn’t need to know that yet. Besides, he’ll be able to handle it.”
“If my father was tricking me my whole life I think Id be mad.”
“I haven’t been tricking him. You are all in danger, and you can’t hide his mother from him forever.”

I just realized I haven’t made a real lapse of logic shitsandwich in a few weeks, so here is my attempt at eye-rolls.

Bride-along stars Sandra Bullock in a role curiously similar to that of her character in Miss Congeniality.  She’s a no nonsense detective named Grace  who is engaged to be married to her longtime sweetheart, Ben played by Owen Wilson.  Grace is a total alpha woman and super tough, while Ben is a really laid back, “Californian” elementary schoolteacher.  They are pretty much opposites, but they make it work.  The opening credits of the film show the formative years of their relationship and all of the comic instances where Grace is super tough and Ben is a complete laid back, but also pussy about stuff.  As the montage scenes play on and Grace is a detective, it’s easy to notice that Ben wants commitment from her, and one day she eventually asks him to marry her.

The movie begins in earnest with Grace and Ben planning the last few touches of the wedding.  Ben is super into it, and Grace is less so as she has been close to solving a big murder in LA or something.  Her police captain Sikorski, played by J.K. Simmons calls her and asks if she’s with that “fruit” or something offensive, and she says she’s planning their wedding and cant leave.  Sikorski tells her that he needs her to stakeout the latest lead for where the crime syndicate headed by Fat Sally, has set up their operation.  Fat Sally is obviously played by Dennis Farina. Grace is about to go, but then Ben reminds her that their rehearsal dinner is tomorrow and she promised she would leave the cop stuff on the back-burner.  Grace agrees, and doesn’t go.

Later that night Sally’s men, kill a key witness in some trial that they might be implicated in and the only witness left is a wise-cracking street kid named Jay played by Bobb’e J Thompson. Sikorski guilts Grace the next day by saying she used to be the best cop on the force but she’s gotten soft because of Ben, and now a child might die. She tells him she’ll take care of the situation.  Ben and Grace have a talk and even though the rehearsal dinner is the next day and Grace promised to be there, she asks if Ben if she can bring Jay home to stay with them until the trial. Ben agrees because he taught Jay years ago, but he still worries it might derail their plans.  So obviously it has to.

Jay enters their life and turns things upside-down.  He is a teenage pest and says a lot of wise cracky things that make white people laugh.  The night of the rehearsal dinner, Jay runs off.  Grace thinks he’s going to come back, but after a few hours, he hasn’t turned up.  Ben warns her (tho it makes no sense for his character) if she leaves to go after him, theres no way she’ll make it to the wedding in time because something always derails her. She decides she can’t let a kid be killed by Fat Sally and his goons so she leaves, but before that she grabs her gown and all the bridal shit she’ll need.

Jay gets captured in the next scene by Mooch, the stereotypically fat, dumb italian goon, played by Steven Schrippa, and is tied up in some warehouse.  Grace, using all her detective know-how figures that Jay’s likely been captured and is probably holed up in one of Sally’s Ice Factories? Sure, Ice Factory.  She goes to each one until she finds Jay early in the morning the day of her wedding.  She can’t just go in and grab him because they’ll know it’s her and kill her, so she sneaks around beating up italian goons one by one, until she gets to Jay’s room.  She sneaks in, unties Jay, and tells him to watch the door.  He asks why, and she says cause she’s got a wedding to go to.  She puts on her gown and ties up her hair, but puts like holsters everywhere and it’s supposed to be funny.  Then right as Jay notices Mooch coming they Grace runs out shooting double guns, murdering everyone but Mooch.  She gets outside and her and Jay start driving away.

Basically the set up here is to have a crazy car chase throughout San Francisco with Grace wearing her dress, and Ben at the altar wondering if she’ll make it in time.  The goons eventually chase Grace and Jay to the chapel outside and Grace and Jay jump out and hide behind another car.  Fat Sally emerges from one of the cars.  At this point theres a ton of commotion and the wedding party comes outside.  They see Grace and Jay hiding behind cars and right as Fat Sally closes in on them, Grace gets up and puts her guns down.  She tells him to take her.  Not the boy (which makes no sense).  He says how about he takes them both, and right as he’s about to shoot them, Grace pulls a gun from her garter and shoots Sally, killing him.  Mooch and the others drive off.  Grace cool as a cucumber asks Jay if he has the rings, and they go inside, 10 mins late, but close enough.  They marry. YAY!

The next scene is Sikorski mentioning how she and Jay made a good team, and when Jay turns 18 he decides he’ll join the force too, under Grace’s tutelage, but in the meantime he’ll start taking school seriously and join and after school program or something for being a cop *(mind you he just saw mad dudes get murdered).   Ben eventually learns that Grace is the best there is at what she does, and accepts that sometimes she’ll have to save lives and crap.

Movie Over.

Tons of sequel potential.

Little Sister

We open up on a teenage boy named Tyler lying in bed, played by Max Thieriot, reading a letter. We see it’s from a girl dumping him. His mother knocks on the door and says he can’t lie around forever moping. He goes with his mother and father to a church yard sale.

He walks around lazily and notices his ex Julie, played by Saorsie Ronan. He ducks into a sale tent to hide, but she spotted him and followed in. They talk a bit but he is hesitant. There’s a bunch of creepy old stuff and she is drawn to a small jewelry box. She walks away tired that he isn’t responding. Tyler buys the jewelry case from the old woman and heads to find his family.

Later at home he sites writing a letter planning on giving the jewelry box to Julie and falls asleep at his desk as the little girl ballerina dances in the case. The camera pans out into the hallway. We see his mother fixing a necklace around her neck looking into a mirror. Behind her we see a family portrait of the three of them.

That morning, Tyler wakes lazily at his desk. He gets the sense that something is watching him. He yells afraid when he hears a roar behind him as a little girl jumps on his back. He yells for him mom, and she yells at the two of them to come downstairs for breakfast. As they make their way we see the portrait on the wall now has a little girl painted into it with the family.

Later that day at school Tyler tries to talk to Julie. They chat and Julie asks about his sister, Kris, before falling down the stairs. She is out cold and is taken to the hospital. While walking Kris home from school he seems worried, and she is a bit creepy when he tries to take her to the hospital to see Julie. Tyler speaks with Julie who gets confused when Tyler mentions Kris waiting outside. Julie looks confused and tells him, he doesn’t have a little sister. When Tyler brings Kris into the room, Julie freaks out and the nurses tell Tyler and Kris to leave.

Tyler gets scared of his little sister. He finds her in his room with the jewelry box mumbling in a strange language. She plays it off like a kids game and runs out. Later Tyler and his father are driving somewhere and Tyler asks him about Kris. The two realize they have trouble recalling her birth, and look at each other before Tyler notices something in the road that looks like Kris. His dad swerves and the car flips off the road.

Tyler wakes up in a hospital and is told by his mother that his father is dead. He see’s Kris at the door and that weird face flip thing movies do happens and we see she is a demon. He tries to calm down and kindly asks him mom to take Kris away. He finds Julie and the hospital and apologizes and says he knows that Kris isn’t really his sister. That she has to help him stop whatever she is. The two head back to his house and sneak into his room. They share a cute moment over t he jewelry box that he bought for her, but he thinks it is what started this. He smashes it and the two of them kiss, Julie picks up the little ballerina girl from the box. They walk out of his room and he says he just wants to check on his mother. He walks into her room and she is in bed. Back out in the hallway Julie looks up and sees Kris is still in the portrait. She turns and is attacked by Kris.

In the room Tyler finds is mother in bed wasting away. The necklace around her neck glows and seems to be sucking the life out of her. Kris is at the door; hand tight around Julie’s neck. She says the necklace is sapping the life from her mother; it’s how she came into being and she is almost whole. Julie stabs Kris in the eye with the ballerina and squirms away. Tyler grabs the necklace from his mother and smashes it against the knight stand. Kris’ pure demon form is revealed and the two fight. Tyler throws Kris out the window and she lands on the iron fence outside, impaled.

Tyler shoots straight up in bed and runs into the hallway. The portrait is now just the three of them. He goes downstairs and finds his mother and father making breakfast. A car horn beeps outside and it’s Julie picking him up for school. He gets into the car and they kiss. They drive off happy.

Back in the kitchen his mother brings his dad breakfast. On the plate is only a positive pregnancy test. They embrace and the camera zooms in to his mother’s neck where we see a tiny sliver of the necklace’s gem imbedded in her neck.

The End.

Hi Guys,

So apparently I just write the material movies are based on now. This will one day be made into a coming of age movie. Or maybe an experimental film done entirely from household objects’ points of view. Enjoy!

The Clock

When Mary was young, a small little thing,
she would play in the yard, on the tree swing.
From the window, he watched her as she had fun,
In his spot in the corner, away from the sun.
He could not join her, no matter how much he yearned,
but it was all worth it, the second she turned,
and looked at his face with her childish glee,
and reminded him he was just lucky to be.

In the corner he watched as she continued to grow,
Through seasons and sunsets, through rain and through snow.
He watched over her there, her strong stalwart knight,
as she sat at his feet, to both their delight.
He longed and he wished that he could just say,
all the words he was thinking, but to his dismay,
whenever he tried, nothing was heard,
he could not speak, not one paltry word.

As time passed, Mary no longer came close,
through those lingering day, he grew more morose.
But one day she walked by him, and stopped to pause,
and pondered him there, then opened her jaws:
“Mother, don’t you think that it’s time,
to get rid of this clock, it doesn’t even chime!
It is just an old heap of coils and clump,
I’ll give you a hand, we’ll go to the dump.”

As he realized what she was going to do,
he started to think, become angry and stew.
After all of those years of his friendship and duty,
she treats him like this? With distaste and with cruelty!
His anger short lived, he soon just gave up.
And Mary loaded him onto the truck.
The ride to the dump was both too fast and too slow,
he sat there and cried, he did not want to go.

He thought of the good times, which outweighed the bad,
he cried to himself, all dejected and sad.
He realized that this was truly the end,
when he smelled the garbage, as they rounded the bend.
As Mary pushed him onto the waste,
she couldn’t help but look into his face.
For a second it seemed, the old clock was crying.
Was it aware? Did it know it was dying?
“Of course not,” she thought as she walked away,
but that vision still haunts her, to this very day.

So I finished my top 5 zombie movies, so I’m now going to put up a zombie movie from every decade. For the 30′s the obvious go to is 1932′s White Zombie, the first zombie movie ever made. Keep in mind that this way before George Romero so these early zombie flicks are going to have more Haitian type zombies. These zombies are just mindless automatons that are controlled by Bela Lugosi’s character Murder Legendre (one of the best villain names). The trailer’s voice over is great, and definitely check the trailer out to get the tone of the film. Unfortunately the film itself does feel a bit like homework, but it is worth watching for Bela Lugosi’s performance. If you care about the history of zombie cinema White Zombie is required viewing. The full movie is below:

Live from The Creek and The Cave in Long Island City comes the Movie Movie Podcast! Thanks to everyone who stuck around after our award winning (pending) variety show, Pig Pile (which is the third Thursday of every month at The Creek and the Cave, check it out), tonight to record the podcast with us. Join Alex, Russ, Peter and myself as we discuss Resident Evil: Retribution in depth! Just what you always wanted! Recorded on Thursday September 20th 2012.

Only issue I have with the trailer is that ever prevailing idea of having modern music in old timey films.  I hate it.

But the movie looks legit:

I had to put this up. You guys already know I drank the Hobbit kool-aid, so I’m loving every moment of this new trailer. How do you guys like it? It definitely seems that it has a lighter tone than the Lord of the Rings. What do you think of Radagast’s hedgehog?

We have reached the end of my top 5 zombie movies (in no particular order) but I’m going to keep putting up other trailers. Shaun of the Dead is a perfect film. It has the exact right mix of comedy and horror, never allowing the comedy to defang or deflate the danger. It is one of the few zombie movies that would still be a great movie with compelling characters and conflicts even if the zombies were removed. Infinitely quotable and rewatchable Shaun of the Dead is the most fun movie on my list.

Fuck this.

Manimal was an early 80′s tv show about a Dr. who could turn into animals and used that power to help the police solve crimes.  Seriously.  That is not a fake movie friday.  That was a real thing.  Because it was a TV show tho, he really only ever turned into a Hawk or a Panther.  If he turned into another animal, they just didn’t show the transformation onscreen, since the only morphing sequences were Hawk and Panther.

DUUUUUUUUUUMB!

The 80′s had some really bad ideas (Small Wonder, “Very Special Episodes about Pedophilia’, etc.), but Manimal might be the worst one.  It was so bad that it was canceled after 3 months.  8 episodes in total exist, so this is what Sony decides needs to be adapted.  Are we this creatively bankrupt that we have to start taking the worst ideas from 30 years ago?

C’mon…

There is no way this wont get turned into a Happy Madison comedy for Rob Schneider (though he technically already made that movie), or Nick Swardson, or hell, Andy Samberg.

It’s going to suck and I’m not going to see it.

In the director’s own words

“For a month or so there’s been a lot of Internet speculation about my involvement with Marvel’s Guardians of the Galaxy. Until now I haven’t said anything, because I’m trying to be less expulsive about this project than I am about the rest of my life. But last night I got the go-ahead from Kevin Feige to let you all know that, yes, indeed, I am rewriting and directing Guardians of the Galaxy. As a lifelong lover of Marvel comics, space epics, AND raccoons, this is the movie I’ve been waiting to make since I was nine years old. Kevin, Joss, and all the folks at Marvel have been amazing collaborators so far, and we’re committed to bringing you something majestic, beautiful, and unique. I am incredibly excited. I am also incredibly grateful to the fans and the press for all their words of encouragement and support regarding my involvement with this project since the news first leaked. Thanks – you have, honestly, touched and overwhelmed me.”

I’m really excited. Gunn has been given the greatest challange of any Marvel film creator, perhaps even greater than Whedon’s. Whedon just didn’t have to screw up (like he would never do) but Gunn has to get people excited for characters they have to knowledge of whatsoever. I believe he can do it.

Film versions in ’34 and ’46.
Made for TV movies in ’54,’69, and ’67
Back to film in ’74, ’89,’98,and ’99
Finally another BBC version in 2011.

This is COMPLETELY necessary.

Granted this is just a set pic, I still really hate the design. Maybe there will be things added digitally, but still, I think I’m done caring about this film.

Here is the next movie in my top 5 zombie films.  The early to mid 70s was an interesting time for zombie movies because it was before Dawn of the Dead had redefined the genre, making things more comic bookish, action oriented, and apocalyptic.  If you want things more somber and that have settings such as crypts, vaults, and cemeteries, the 70s are a good place to look.  The Blind Dead series is a great example of this, but the best is The Living Dead at the Manchester Morgue.  There is some great social commentary, an interesting mechanism that creates the zombies and some great zombie gore.  Someone was kind enough to upload the entire movie on Youtube, so check it out:

Merritt

Dave drives his dirty white van down an abandoned highway in the middle of the desert. He pulls up to a commune on the side of the road. People start to leave their tents and come out to greet the truck. The van has the words, “Say Hi” written on one side and “Fear the Creature Inside” on the other. The leader of the commune, Lockee, comes up and bows to Dave. The rest of the people soon follow. Dave is given a package and then heads back on the road.

Dave is in Chicago, trying to convince people to come and see what he has in his truck. He cannot convince anyone. People throw things at him and tell him to shut up. He doesn’t take it to hard. He has a flash back to being a boy and living on the streets here. He remembers seeing this same van and a man, also named Dave (we’ll say Dave2), trying to sell people in the same way he is now. In this flash back Dave2 asks him if he wants to see inside the truck. Dave says no way, he’s not that stupid. Dave2 opens up the truck and shows him what’s inside, a big rubber octopus.

Dave is in Minneapolis trying the same routine with the same reaction. He heads back on the road. Here he flashes back to being on the road with Dave2, they would both try and sell people on the octopus, a 2 man grift of sorts. People still don’t buy into it, but the two of them have fun. Dave2 is protective of Dave, who is called Tyler in these flash backs.

Dave heads back to the commune, the people there are all very welcoming. He tells them stories around a camp fire, we see the scene cut to a flash back of Dave2 telling the exact same stories around a very similar looking camp fire in a similar looking setting. The scene keeps cutting between the two of them telling the same story. Dave in these flash backs keeps growing older.

That night Dave is in Lockee’s tent, they both seem to be high on something. Lockee is acting like the whole thing is a vision quest. Dave is talking him through it, much like Dave2 (in flash backs) would guide people and eventually Dave. There is a glimpse of Dave’s vision quest, which is him at a giant dinner table eating people. A waiter would keep coming by to ask what if he wanted more. Every time he said yes, and every time the waiter would call Dave by a different name.

Lockee has a moment of clarity, sort of. He pulls out a revolver and points it at Dave, who is not afraid. Lockee then hands Dave the gun. We see a flash back of Dave as a teenager and Dave2 telling him that it is time they go their separate ways while eating at a fire. Dave agrees and walks away, but then stops and turns around to see Dave2 curled over in pain, and vomiting profusely. Dave sits back down at the campfire and continues to eat. Dave2 finally dies and Dave searches him for the keys to the van. He takes off and we see him telling people his name is Dave and trying to get them to see his octopus.

Back in the tent Lockee has told Dave that on his vision quest his end would come from Dave, that he is honored and to continue west to a boat that will take him and the commune to the new world. Dave takes the gun pulls the trigger and the whole commune comes out, not in a rush but as though they know what has just happened. Dave exits the tent to see everyone outside looking at him, then they all return to their beds. Dave sleeps in Lockee’s tent with the body next to him. In the morning, the body is gone and the group is waiting outside for him. Dave takes the giant rubber octopus out of the van and leaves it on the ground, the people of the commune all gather into the truck.

When they hit the coast they are able to find the ship Lockee was talking about earlier. The commune all boards the ship, the captain greeting them all by name as the board. Dave is the last one to board and the captain greets him with a handshake and says, “good to see you again Mr. Lockee.” Dave nods and enters the ship. As they sail off the commune start to talk to Dave and referring to him as Lockee as well. The ship sales onward and the credits roll.

THE END with 2 minutes to spare!

21st

We open on with our main character waking up in his bed to find his parents standing above him. He jumps as they shout HAPPY BIRTHDAY STEPHEN! He tells them to leave him alone. We find out it’s his 21st birthday, but he’s home for the summer from college. All his friends were unable to come or meet up so he’s stuck at home during the summer.

His parents try to convince him to go hang out with Chris and Corey, his old high school friends who are in town. He tells them he doesn’t really talk to them anymore and that he’s changed. His room is adorned with nerdy stuff but we get the sense that he went to college and thinks he is cool now.

He sits at a diner having lunch and a group of people walk by. He tries to hide a bit but they spot him. It’s a group of cool kids from high school who recognize him as a nerd. The main dude Brian makes fun of him though the others are more polite. Brian hangs over Stacey, who flirts a bit with Stephen saying he looks great. She invited him to her party that night.

Stephen walks out the door with a smile on his face and bumps into someone. It’s Chris and Corey. Chris is a bit standoffish but Corey is excited to see him. Corey wishes him a happy birthday, as does Chris but less enthused. Corey drags Stephen along with them back to his house. They enter the basement and it’s nerd heaven; tons of games and consoles, custom D+D table, action figures, etc. The three reminisce a bit and have fun.

Stephen reluctantly invites them to the party that night and they go. Corey and Chris get into all sorts of hijinks. Stephen is embarrassed and just gets pretty drunk. He tries to kiss Stacey and gets beat up by Brian. Stephen yells at the people at the party, about how none of them ever treated him like a person, how it is his birthday and no one seems to care. Chris and Corey take him out and he apologizes to his real friends. We see Stephen back at college on the phone with Chris and Corey still close.

The END!

HERE’S WHERE IT GETS CRAZY! This was just a normal story about a kid finding out what really matters. Here’s what will happen when Hollywood gets their hand on it.

-Chris and Corey are LARPers and stupidly nerdy. Corey is a practically retarded and Chris is fat. The party scene becomes an hour long with mostly them being the butt of jokes.

-Stacey hits on Stephen a bunch, but at the party he is cornered by Brian who says that he realized he was gay and likes Stephen. Brian cries and Stacey walks in and thinks the two of them were making out.

-Stephen returns to the party and finds everyone drunk and dressed up LARPing with Chris and Corey. They are the coolest kids at the party and both make out with hot girls.

-The fact that it is Stephen’s birthday has little to nothing to do with the movie. There is just a ton of alcohol.

-Stacey comes to Corey’s basement the next day (HOW??) and her and Stephen kiss. THE NEW END

No Chance In Hell

No Chance In Hell is a teen comedy with a dash of fantasy added in.  It’s primarily for teenagers to see on a date.  It’s toothless and lame.

Michael Angarano stars as Kevin Lewis, your typical 00’s nerd, meaning he’s not a nerd, just not popular.  Megan Fox stars as Kendra Hamilton, the super popular bitchy girl who way back when was friends with Kevin.  They kissed Freshman year and shortly after that she started dating a complete prick Senior named Austin Rogers, captain of the Lacrosse team at McKinley Regional HS.  He is played by Tyler Hoechlin.

Anyway the movie starts off like all these movies do.  Kevin is in class getting shit thrown on him by popular kids and he hates it.  He puts his hoodie on and goes to the back of the class.  The teacher doesn’t see any of it.  Minutes later Kendra walks in to slowmotion with several minions (of multiple races) walking in behind her.  Even the teacher stands at attention when Kendra enters the room.  Zoey, Kevin’s similarly geeky but not geeky girl bff played by Selena Gomez, mentions that the minute Kendra enters a room everyones IQ drops.  Kevin defends Kendra saying she doesn’t know him like she does.  Anyway, Kevin apparently always waxes poetic about the time they kissed freshman year, and how he’s going to get her back.

After a few more scenes that show the contrast in popularity between Kendra and Kevin, and also how effing stupid ultra-jock Austin is, Kevin in a state of utter idiocy and drunk and the typical party scene asks Kendra if she would go to Prom with him.  She at first looks at him seriously and then he thinks he’s got a shot, but then she bursts out laughing and says she would never in a million years.  He isn’t popular, he’s a nobody blah blah and he’s got NO CHANCE IN HELL with him.  Everyone starts laughing and Kevin runs away.  Zoey runs after him, but can’t keep up with him.

Kevin ends up running away to some nearby creek, and says he wishes his was popular before throwing a rock into the creek.  Out of nowhere a mysterious, but attractive looking woman wearing all red, tells him that she can make him popular overnight.  She is named Demona and is played by Drew Barrymore (in scene chewing mode).  He says there’s no way, but he’d give anything.  She says how about your soul? And he says sure whatever, anything, and she tells him to come here, and kisses him.  It’s an awesome kiss or whatever, and she gives him her number and says she’ll see him soon.  He goes home feeling slightly vindicated that he met a cool older woman.

The next morning he goes to school and the next thing he knows he gets caught in a slow motion hallway, meaning everyone is transfixed on him and he starts realizing everyone is looking at him with awe and admiration.  Except Zoey.  He goes over to her to say hi, and she gets really defensive,  he asks her whats wrong and she mentions that he’s treated her like shit for the last 3 years and he’s not going to do it for another year (the time of year bounces around like all teen comedies.  beginning of the year, middle, and prom will all happen in one week).   Kevin walks down the hall and sees Kendra getting laughed at and wearing glasses.  She’s not nearly as cool as she used to be and Austin makes fun of her.  Basically the world has been turned on it’s head.

Kevin takes this opportunity to try and start dating Kendra since the tables are turned, but now she views Kevin as a popular dick and would want nothing to do with him.  Kevin realizes he still can’t have the girl he wants, but since he’s popular he still lives it up and dates all these vacuous bimbos for like 20 mins of the movie.  His favorite teacher Mr. Wilson, played by Luke Wilson (not creative I know), who has been in the movie the whole time, but hasn’t spoken, says that Kevin has changed.  He used to care about real stuff, but ever since Freshman year he’s cared more about being popular than being himself or whatever.  Scenes with Kendra show that in this alternative world Kendra became the girl she used to be or whatever.  Austin is still a hilarious scene stealing dick.

Anyway Kevin decides to tell find Zoey and tell her that he wasn’t always a jerk, he used to be a good guy, her best friend even.  She refuses to believe it.  He then mentions that he made a deal with a woman to become popular and then he woke up and his life changed, but now he wants it to go back to normal.  Demona resurfaces and says that the deal is binding, he put his soul up as collateral.  Zoey now knows it’s true and for whatever reason she is knows about about devily weird shit and finds a book that can help him figure out a way out of his deal.  According to some big old dusty book, the only way to reverse the deal is to kiss his true love.  Now Zoey, somewhat believing the situation decides to help him to get with Kendra, so everything can go back to normal.  Demona, says that it will never happen, but good luck and laughs herself into disappearing.

The next 20 mins Zoey and Kevin keep trying to get Kendra and him together, but the Demona keeps getting in the way and making obstacles for Kevin.  Kendra is still not interested.  I didn’t say it earlier, but if he doesn’t kiss his true love by midnight of Prom, the curse will remain.  SO ITS PROM NOW. Kendra eventually relents and goes to prom with him.  Zoey is happy, but also a little sad.  Kendra and Kevin have a really nice time, but as time wears on, he realizes she’s not really the one for him.   Before prom is over, Kevin runs away because he realizes he wasted so much time trying for Kendra, that he never found his true love.  Zoey finds him at the creek and after a lame conversation, he realizes that it was Zoey all along who was there for him.  They kiss right before midnight and everything goes back to normal.

At graduation we see that Kevin and Zoey are together and happy, Kendra and Austin are back together, and still as bitchy as ever, and that Demona is looking for another poor sucker’s soul to steal.  It’s like a funny ending or whatever seeing this not really evil demon lady and then it’s over.

It’s dumb and i’m sorry for that.

The End.

Bipartisan

We begin with some helicopter shots of New York City with some really on the nose pop song on the soundtrack (probably Empire State of Mind). In a montage we watch our two star crossed lovers begin their days. First we see Mark (played by Aidan Turner) wake up a second before his alarm goes off in his spotless and modern room. Then Kate (played by Greta Gerwig) hits the snooze button on her alarm, her apartment is a mess filled with half finished art project (note that her apartment is still huge by NYC standard). Mark pick out a tailored suit from his vast collection, whereas Kate can’t find anything to wear (crisis!) and she resorts to grabbing something out of the hamper (after smelling a few items and making a face of course). Mark picks up a breakfast sandwich and a copy of the Wall Street Journal from the deli, and Kate buys a copy of The Nation and some granola at her deli. The montage ends as Mark and Kate each get to their separate jobs.

Kate works at an organic food coop. Kate talks to her gay friend Josef (Ryan Gosling) whom she works with. Ryan Gosling is clearly having fun playing the gay friend, but he goes a little too over the top, and it feels a bit offensive. Josef is telling her how she has to come to the party he is throwing tonight, and that everyone from the coop is going, and then he gets serious, and tells her that she really needs to meet someone so she won’t feel so lonely all the time.

Mark on the other hand works as an analyst for a hedge fund. He talks to his best friend Dean (played by a pleasantly plump Jonah Hill). Dean is trying to convince Mark to crash this crazy party he heard about. He says how there will be a bunch of “hippy dippy chicks” there who are all about free love, and he has to go. Then he gets serious and tells him that Mark really needs to do more socializing so he won’t be so lonely all the time.

It is the party and Kate is sitting by herself looking lonely. Josef tries to get her to come dance with him (you should see his dancing, it is hilarious….) but she refuses. Mark and Dean show up. They are totally overdressed and Mark has a bottle of Bollinger Champagne which is not appropriate as everyone is drinking PBR and boxed wine. Mark wants to leave but Dean says something about how hot these chicks are with their birkin socks and daddy issues. Reluctantly Mark joins the party.

Things don’t start well as Mark immediately bumps into a party goer played by Christopher Mintz-Plasse who is wearing a Che Guevara tee-shirt. The party goer makes a snide comment about Mark’s suit, and Mark makes a crack about his tee-shirt. Things begin to get heated and the party goer starts calling Mark a one percenter and Mark calling the party goer a communist. It becomes a shouting match about the merits of Hayek vs. Keynes. Dean finally calms Mark down telling him he is cramping his style.

Later on, Mark is sitting by himself while Dean hits on women. Kate is also sitting by herself while Josef is making out with some dude. They are in other rooms, but decide to leave the party at the exact same time. They literally run into each other as they try to walk through the apartment door. Mark asks if she felt out of place like he did, and she said she is not good at socializing. They walk out together chatting. When they are about to part ways, Mark says he is having a good time and he would love to hang out some more, and Kate agrees, cue montage of the couple getting a few drinks and talking and walking through parks. It is clear that they are perfect for one another. They exchange numbers.

The next day at work, Dean talks about how lame everyone at the party was, but Mark says that actually he found a nice girl there. Josef and Kate have a similar exchange as Josef makes fun of the guys in suits who came to the party, but Kate defends Mark saying that he was actually really nice.

Mark invites her to a bar where he is hanging out with friends from work. It is a very upscale place and they keep ordering bottles of champagne. Kate can’t afford any of the drinks and says how it is such a waste of money, and they should be using all that money for good by trying to help kids in Africa or something. Mark’s friends mock her mercilessly. Mark tries to stick up for her but fails.

Kate then invites Mark to some of her friends and as you can guess that it doesn’t go well. Mark tells Josef that he needs to start a real career not just keep getting menial jobs, which doesn’t go over well.

At work some time later, Dean says how much he doesn’t like Kate, and there is a similar scene of Josef not liking Mark. This is enough to keep our star crossed lover away from each other for a few weeks.

Weeks later Kate is at the food coop and Christopher Mintz-Plasse character is having a political meeting. They are talking about how the financial industry is destroying America and they really have to do something (non-violent of course) to stop them. Kate mostly agrees and it takes only a little bit of prompting from Josef to totally get on board. They decide to do an occupy type protest in front of the biggest hedge fund they can fine.

Mark is at work at his desk when Dean hands him a glass of champagne and says that he has something he wants Mark to see. They go to the building’s patio, champagne in hand. Dean points to the small crowd of protesters below and laughs. At just that moment Kate looks up and locks eyes with Mark. She is heartbroken and runs off. Dean says “wait a second, that wasn’t that girl was it?” to which Mark nods hands his glass to Dean and leaves work.

Mark walks aimlessly around the city, finally stopping and sitting on a park bench. After a beat, a strange looking bald man sits next to him.

The Man “Woman troubles”

Mark “Good guess… oh my God, are you James Carville?”

James Carville “At your service. So what’s the problem?”

Mark “We really like each other but our political views are just so different. But you know all about this don’t you?”

James Carville “I’ve been married to my beautiful Republican wife for almost 20 years. Greatest decision of my life.”

Mark “How do you do it, you guys are just so different”

James Carville “Well the trick is to make your political leaning such a big part of your life that it become a part of your identity, to the point where just hearing slightly different views make you physically angry. Then you just never talk about politics to your partner.”

Mark “What? Really, I was kinda thinking it might be a good idea to take all the emotions out of it, find common goals and then use evidence to figure out which policies best accomplish those goals, giving no thought about the left or right designation of those policies.”

James Carville “Nope, just completely ignore that aspect of your partner’s thinking. That’s the only way to do it.”

Mark “Great, you’ve been a big help, I know exactly what I have to do”

Mark gets up and shakes Carville’s hand and yells “Kate!” and runs. He gets to Kate’s apartment but Josef won’t let him in. Mark pours out his heart at which point Josef of course lets him in.

Mark “I’m so sorry Kate! We can’t let politics get in our way, our love is too important. That’s right, I love you!”

They kiss as the soundtrack surges.

Kate “I love you too! We just had some bumpy spots discovering the plan that Jesus has for our lives. This is all God’s will!”

Mark gulps

The End.

I realized that I have already done the trailers for 2/5th of my five favorite zombie movies, so I’ll continue with that. I also brought up European ripoffs of Dawn of the Dead, and this is the best example of one. Lucio Fulci’s Zombie came out one year after Dawn of the Dead and shares similar stylistic choices (i.e. the extreme gore) but it is a bit unfair to call it a ripoff (though I just did). Zombie does a lot of things different, for example the tropical location, crazy action sequences (zombie vs. shark!) and amazing makeup design (which I much prefer to Dawn of the Dead’s, sorry Tom Savini!). Moreover it was conceived and largely made completely independently of of Dawn of the Dead. The ripoff aspect is more about how the film was marketed. Granted, the sequences at the beginning and end of the film in New York City were added to the script to capitalize on the success of Dawn of the Dead, but it gets most of its reputation as a ripoff from its title. Dawn of the Dead was titled Zombie in Europe and did very well at the box office, so this movie was titled Zombie 2. In the U.S. it was just known as Zombie, but the tag line was “When the earth spits out the dead, they will return to tear the flesh of the living” sounds eerily similar to Dawn’s famous tag line “When there is no room in hell, the dead will walk the earth”. I much prefer Zombie’s other tag line, the simple and direct “We are going to eat you!”. Regardless, enjoy the trailer for Zombie A.K.A. Zombie 2.

Obviously the only way to follow Night of the Living Dead is with Dawn of the Dead. This is not only my favorite zombie movie it is my favorite horror movie. One of the few sequels that are better than the first, Dawn of the Dead expands on the universe by creating a more apocalyptic and epic tone. Dawn’s success led to countless ripoffs/homages from ultra violent European Zombie movies (sqee!) to video games like Dead Rising. Don’t just listen to me though, check it out for yourself below:

If you know me then you know that I have an obsession with zombies. I’m going to start sharing some zombie movie trailers and there is no better place to begin than with Night of the Living Dead. George Romero created the modern concept of the zombie. Granted, the Haitian Zombie predates Night of the Living Dead and was first mentioned in 1929 with William Seabrook’s The Magic Island (I own a copy), but the concept of reanimated corpses eating the flesh of the living is all Romero. Night of the Living Dead is quite simply a masterpiece, and this trailer is a lot of fun.

Updated 9-12-12:
Oh man, how did I forget that Night of the Living Dead is actually in the public domain, so of course the entire movie would be on youtube:

I have been interested in this film for a while. I personally love Mary Elizabeth Winstead (‘Sky High’ for life). Also Aaron Paul is the best.

I really hope this movie is better than the trailer.

You’re welcome America.

I really hope they start fleshing out the universe in phase two. There is no reason why characters can’t pop up in small roles. The Falcon will be in Captain America. They should really introduce Hank Pym somewhere, mostly as a scientist and less as Ant-Man (They are doing Scott Lang Ant-Man for the film).

Viggo can make the character work with it’s over the top magic-ness. This will be a huge test for Marvel to show their werider characters can work on film.

This was originally titled “The Lawless Possession of a Bachelorette”, then it was “The Bachelorette’s Lawless Possession” but I’m deciding to break the trend this week. Welcome back for another episode of the Movie Movie Podcast! Our first podcast of September and it’s a doozy! Join Peter, Alex, Russ and myself as we hark back on Lawless, pray for The Possession and get rowdy with Bachelorette. Recorded on September 10th 2012.

Also, we were invited to perform our improve comedy form at Roomies, a variety show at Tripple Crown in NYC, tomorrow, September 11th 2012, at 10:00 PM. Come on out!

It’s amazing how with a good script and talented actors a film about a string quartet can look more interesting than 90% of films released this year.

I’m interested and hope for MANY music puns.

Rosario Dawson has signed on to return for ‘Sin City 2: A Dame To Kill For.’ This is a huge no brainer. We’ve talked about the difficulty of casting this movie since it is a prequel to a section of the first film with Clive Owen’s character pre-facial reconstruction. Dawson’s character Gail plays an integral role in this story and you can’t replace Dawson and have the film be overly complicated in tying in with the first. Surprisingly Dawson hasn’t acted much lately, so this is a great move for her.

In a not surprising move we will be getting a Joe Paterno film. BECAUSE THE PEOPLE DEMAND IT! Al Pacino is rumored to be taking the lead role as the really beloved wrinkled guy who helped cover up the horrible attack of children. AMERICA!

Vin Diesel is circling a new film entitled ‘The Last Witch Hunter.’ It’s a film straight out of either Fake Movie Friday or the toilet, there’s little difference. “Diesel’s protagonist is one of the last in a long tradition of witch hunters. When a group of witches and warlocks join forces to suddenly and forcefully expand their numbers, however, it’s up to this guy to stop them before their population gets out of control.” Somehow this script was included on the 2010 Black List of the best-unproduced scripts in Hollywood. THE BEST!

UPDATE! A.K.A I forgot two things

David Thewlis is joining the cast of ‘Red 2.’ People may remember him as Lupin in the Harry Potter films or perhaps as the evil prince in ‘Dragonheart.’ Dragonheart anyone? Nope? Ok, fine. I’m very surprised and excited that ‘Red’ is getting a sequel, the first one was a modest hit, but more importantly a thoroughly enjoyable action film. Bruce Willis was his fun self, but it was the supporting cast (Malkovich, Mirren, Freeman, Cox) that really stole the show and made this film worthwhile.

The immensely talented Jeffrey Wright is joining the ‘Hunger Games’ team as Beetee. It’s really shaping up that the older cast is going to make this film much better than it has any business being. I enjoyed the first film but the young and in love storyline gets old very quickly.

Broken Glass
A man is looking in a mirror, the camera is only watching the mirror as the man throws a brick at the mirror shattering it. Close up on one of the broken shards we can see the sun outside through them, so pan to the sun and then pan down outside to five women doing yoga ontop of a lake, they have no reflection in the lake. We see a train go by in the reflection of the lake but there is no train anywhere else. We follow the train, the people inside precieve it as raining outside. There two children run up and down the aisle, as the ticket taker eats the passengers tickets. Andrew Dunn is on fire in one of the seats. We see the man from the mirror reading a news paper that is all jumbled letters and distorted images. Only the article he is reading makes any sense and it is titled Man Bites Dog. Everyone on the train is smiling, like the creepy people in the Black Hole Sun video. The image in the article is of an empty park, a close up on that and we find ourselves in the park, the film is now in black and white. Three painted people walk by but blend into the background so they are only visible some of the time as they are walking across the screen. There is a child digging a hole, and looking around the park there are multiple holes all around. The black and white shutter speed should drop at this point and trees will start growing out of the ground, made of old electronics and recyclables. We follow one of the trees as it grows up and there is an open window to an apartment visable, the camera flys through the open window and we find the man from before and a woman in bed together, the woman smoking a cigarette.

“Do you love me?” She asks.

“No,” he relies.

We exit the apartment and find another open door, there we see a satanic ritual taking place, a demon is successfully summoned and kills the group. The demon than takes it’s agression out on the film, so the film should be badly damaged and scratched while it is attacking the screen. A white beacon of light enters from the window and sets the place on fire, the film does not react though. The film is still displaying as badly damaged, the beacon of light transforms into a fiery person who wills the film to stop, so it is just a stand still image of the fiery specter as the film restores and turns back into color. The film starts again and the specter snaps its flame fingers and vanishes. There is a ball being thrown up and down outside the window, the camera follows the ball to an elderly man, singing and dancing while throwing this ball in the air. He is singing “The Boys are Back In Town” in french. There are people all around watching him, as they disperse they walk backwards away. One the woman from earlier is there with another woman, arms in each others back pocket.

The new woman asks, “do you love me?”

“No,” she replies.

They pass a man who is painting a picture of a knight in armor. He finishes, leaves and the knight comes to life and hops out of the painting. There is a painting of a dragon next to him, which is stabs, though the dragon does not react as though it were alive (it’s just a painting). A hipping comes by, ties a sunflower around the knights sword and walks off. We see the hippie is actually the man from earlier. He heads back to his camp site where a man is practicing magic tricks next to a conjurer who is creating salmon from nothing, who sing in pain. The hippie man walks to a hill where the new woman from before is sitting. There is a brilliant rainbow and the sun set illuminates the city below. The clouds are fluorescent. He sits next to her, puts his arm around her and his head on her shoulder.

“Do you love me,” he asks.

“No,” she replies.

He leaves his head on her shoulder and we pull back to see that the clouds, sun and rainbow are all part of a back drop.

“Cut” is heard.

Cut to black.

The end.

What?

This film is directed byLee Daniels and it is super inspiring.  (for this movie to work, you just have to be ok with ZERO timepieces existing before the 1920′s, so get onboard)

We see a man rushing to get ready for work.  His name is Albert.  He is a black man that lives in the south side of Chicago with his wife and young daughter.  He is played by Nelsan Ellis (Lafayette from True Blood).  His wife, Hattie is played by Kerry Washington.  The daughter is irrelevant.  They live in a tiny apt that is super rundown on an unsafe street.

As Albert arrives at work, a small jewelry store, his boss, Charles McDrummond the Third, admonishes him for being late.  He says “you people are always late” to drive the point that he might be a touch racist.  He is played by John Goodman.   Albert assures him that he was right on time.  He measured the time by the sun.  McDrummond believes it’s a bunch of horseshit, and says something to the degree of my time is more valuable than yours or something.  Anyway Albert works as a janitor at the store.  He apparently is very creative though and is always making little devices and stuff around the shop to make his job easier.  McDrummond doesn’t like it, but he allows it.

Albert’s father Norman, played by Laurence Fishburne tells Albert that he’ll never make it in the white man’s world.  He needs to take his family back to North Carolina and take over his drug store.  Albert’s thieving older brother Titus, played by Terrence Howard, wants to take control of the business, but Norman knows that Albert is the better choice, but Albert refuses he believes that one day the world wont be black and white separated.

One day at dinner with his wife, Albert tells her that he’s been working on something new.  She dismisses it as another one of Albert’s newfangled failures.  It’s  really crude looking wooden clock.  He tells her that it will keep time, so that people don’t have to.  It will measure the seconds.  He starts counting along with it to show how it works, but the second’s hand gets all wonky and fast and the thing falls apart.  Hattie asks him why he doesn’t just give up and go take over the drug store.  He says he wants more for his family than his fathers life.  The next morning Albert is rushing to work yet again and when he gets to the store McDrummond is furious with him and is about to fire him.  Albert asks him to please have mercy, he was up late working on something new.  McDrummond says it better be good (despite having no interest in his gadgets prior).  It’s that same crude clock, only this time as Albert counts along with it (in slow motion with swelling music) the seconds hand and minutes hand both change perfectly.  Albert says he calls it The Clock.  McDrummond asks why, Albert says he just likes the sound of it.

Anyway, a montage shows that McDrummond has begun producing more suped-up versions of the Clock for sale at his stores, and at other department stores, but the marketing materials make it appear like HE is the creator of the Clock not Albert.  McDrummond tells Albert, no one would ever buy a clock if they knew a black man created it.  Albert is making lots of money now and can move his family to a better home, but he still feels unsatisfied. His father and wife are super proud of him, though Titus is jealous and envious.  Titus comes to Chicago and says he wants to help Albert.  Against his better judgment, Titus starts helping Albert to mass-produce the Clocks.  It’s clear Titus has something up his sleeve.

Because the movie needs something bad to happen, at the unveiling of McDrummond’s newest Clock store, Titus puts a poster on the window that says that the Clocks were invented by a black man (his brothers picture is on it) and it says something like “would you trust a dirt jockey (fake racist term) to keep time for you?”  The crowd is flabbergasted, and McDrummond denies the allegation.  Weeks go on as newspaper reporters continually go to Alberts home and harass him asking if he really is the man behind the clocks.  It’s clear that if he is, the sales will plummet.  Albert keeps denying it all-the-while upset that he will never get credit for his invention.  He’s angry at Titus as well.  However in an impassioned (best supporting actor sort of way) Titus has a huge monologue about how he messed his life up and hasn’t amounted to anything blah blah, but he’s tired of their family being nobodies.  He tells him, that people might stop buying the clocks, but if the world doesn’t ever know that a black man made the clock, they might not never stop being second class citizens or something.  This ignites the fire in him.

Meanwhile, McDrummonds Clock stores have been closed until this fiasco blew over.  The day before the store was about to finally open, Albert goes to the store with the original old ugly clock he design.  As white people are waiting at the door to go in, Albert walks up and starts telling the story of how he invented that first clock and as white people start to walk away, the speech about how he made the first ever clock transitions into a story about how he hopes one day people view race the same way they do time.  Time don’t got no face, no color, no creed blah blah it’s just there.  Like us people. It’s an oscar-caliber speech and we see McDrummond arrive to open the store and the crowd asks if Alberts story is true.  McDrummond looks at the crowd.  He looks at Albert.  He looks at Titus who is inexplicably there, and he says “It’s true, and Albert’s clocks are about the damn thing to ever happen to him.  For some reason the crowd cheers and they all enter the store to feverishly buy clocks.  Titus smiles, lights a cigarette, and walks away.

The film fades to black and shows the real picture of Albert Washington, his family and McDrummond and says what happened to them afterwards.  Then there is a stat about how many clocks are bought daily.  A John Legend song plays in the credits.

Permanent Press

A child plays around with cars on in a basement. He keeps hearing noises and looks scared. LOUD NOISE JUMP SCARE! It’s just a cat, lol jk. His mom calls him upstairs and he runs up.

His mom, Jessica Chastain, is busying running around getting things ready. She is wearing a pants suit, movie code for workingwoman. She yells DAVE! We cut to a man sleeping still, played by Matthew Fox, and he slowly gets as she yells again. He walks into the other room and picks up his kid. They do that thing movies do showing he’s a great father while he’s not the most responsible husband.

She reminds him to stay in the house because someone was coming to fix the dryer around 10. He says he was planning on writing and he’ll be around. She reminds him again so we think she’s a bitch, even though she’s completely in the right. She hurries out the door with the kid in tow to drop him off at school.

Dave sits at his typewriter not doing anything. He gets annoyed and walks out of the house. He goes to a corner store and buys an ice cream bar. On his way home he sees the dryer guy pulling away. He chases after him but can’t catch him. He runs in the house and gets a phone book. He starts calling repairman after repairman trying to get someone to come today but no one has an opening. He slams the phone down and gives up.

The phone rings and it’s a blocked number. A strange voice saying they have an opening and will be right there. He thinks nothing of it and the doorbell rings. He opens the door and the repairman is there already. Brad Dourif walks and creeps the place up to 11. He fixes the dryer and leaves.

Later on that night Dave lays in bed with his wife and she thanks him for getting it done. She apologizes for being so stressed and they start sexy time. A loud noise from downstairs stops them. Dave goes downstairs to investigate but finds nothing. He returns to the room and tells his wife it was nothing but she screams as she sees a mouse run behind him. He turns but another runs by. He looks around the corner and coming up from the basement are dozens of mice and hundreds of roaches fleeing the basement. He goes to kill some of them, but they run straight for the door and away from the house.

The next day Dave is at his typewriter and hears banging from the basement. His son screams and he runs to the basement. His son cowers in the corner pointing at the dryer where the noise is coming from. Dave opens the door and the cat flops out, dead.

Other weird stuff happens like the ceiling above the dryer looking burnt. The kid starts acting real weird. The fridge and ACs break. The shower scalds the wife. The house gets so hot. He sends his wife and kid to her parents place. Dave calls all the repair places to find out who actually came, but everywhere he called says they weren’t the ones to call back. He hangs up the phone and it rings. It’s Dourif who starts yelling at him. Dave goes into the basement and starts smashing the dryer with a bat. He screams as it dents and smashes and he throws the bat and falls to the ground. When he turns the DRYER IS BACK TO NORMAL! He coats the basement in gasoline and lights it on fire. He runs out into the street and watches it burn before being pulled away by police.

Firefighters are cleaning up the debris and find the dryer intact and spotless. A van pulls up and loads it up. The van pulls away and we see on the side it says “ORPHANAGE”

The END

“20 years after attempting an epic pub crawl, five childhood friends reunite when one of them becomes hell bent on trying the drinking marathon again”

The titular “World’s End” is the last bar on the crawl. Pegg and Wright are definitely up to something more here, and basic hints seem to be the friends find themselves wrapped up in the fate of humanity.

Next there is the addition of Rosamond Pike to the Pegg and Frost led cast. Recently she made the huge mistake of co-starring in ‘Wrath of the Titans.’ It’s a shame she seems to have dropped off a bit when she was fantastic as the aloof blonde in ‘An Education.’ Think it’s safe to assume she is either one of the five friends or a love interest of one of them.

The best bit of news is Paddy Considine returning to the “Cornetto Trilogy.” Considine is most recognizable as the reporter from the Bourne series. He’s an amazingly talented actor who’s delivered powerful performances in ‘In America’,'Submarine’, and ‘Dead Man’s Shoes.’ I’d also suggest the phenomenal ‘Tyrannosaur’ which he wrote and directed. He stole many scenes with his comedic turn in ‘Hot Fuzz’ and it his very exciting to hear he’s trying comedy again.

QoS was supposed to be a successful direct sequel to CR and with its failure ‘Skyfall’ looks to be taking a much different direction. Bond will still brood of course. I am looking forward to the direction they take continuing after this film. I am even more excited with the direction they take with the next Bond actor. This really is a franchise that will never end.

Did I say happen? I meant the third installment ‘Before Midnight’ is DONE. It’s been filmed and will premiere THIS WEEK at the Toronto Film Festival.

THIS IS THE BEST NEWS OF THE WEEK.

Additionally, in what could be super awesome, or super terrible, Jim Carrey has signed on to play a hero Colonel Stars.  I feel like Jim Carreys best days are behind him, but maybe this could be a reminder of what an awesomely fun guy he used to be before he got all old and weird.

We finally get a look at ‘Hansel and Gretal: Witch Hunters.’

And there is no reason to be excited/happy/ or even interested. This movie has been sitting on a shelf for a while and is now seeing the light of day now that the Jeremy Renaissance is at full power.

Total Fluff

We open on a glamours party, only everyone attending is a living breathing stuffed animal. People are dancing, chandlers, etc. In walks Fluff, world class super spy who also happens to be a teddy bear, talking on his ear piece to his partner, Pups who is a Pound Puppy, who is in the getaway van outside. Fluff goes through the party, pretending like he knows people, dancing with a woman, it’s shot for shot the opening scene from True Lies but with stuffed animals, right down the to explosion and snowmobile getaway. It should also be noted that Fluff is straight up killing these other stuffed animals, stuffing is flying everywhere.

Fluff is in a meeting with his boss, Kid, who looks like a Cabbage Patch Kid with an eye patch. He tells fluff he has a new dangerous assignment for him. They have to infiltrate the lair of villan Figment, the magic dragon (but not the disney one you’re thinking of, though he looks oddly similar).

There’s a whole bit about how Fluff and Fig used to be partners until Figment was cast out. Ever since then they’ve been pinning robberies and other such things on Figment, but no one has caught him or seen him since.

Kid sets up the super team for Fluff, theres Pup of course the wheel man, Denny a purple giraffe who is a computer whiz, Markov the drunken moose that can become any one he needs to, Crispy the pink unicorn who can break any lock, and Sally the serpent who no one ever seems to notice but is always around.

They enter the giant compound, Pup on the outside waiting for the signal. The other 5 move closer in and eventually break into the mansion. They decide to split up once in. One by one the entire team, except for Fluff is murdered. (Mission Impossible now) Pups ride explodes, Markov is stabbed with a broken vodka bottle, Denny is strangled, Crispy is stabbed with a key, Sally is skinned alive. Only Fluff remains. He decides to head deeper into the mansion. He finally comes upon a room filled to the ceiling with gold, silver, diamonds etc with a dragon sitting in the middle, there’s even a stuffed Dirk the Daring in the treasure pit. As Fluff approaches Fig he knows something is wrong.

The Figment that is there is merely a toy and Kid pops up with gun in hand. There’s a whole big speech about Kid telling Fluff that Figment never did anything wrong and they killed him because he found all this gold they wanted for themselves. Fluff asks why they were sent here and Kid says it was a test, to see who the best of the best was, and that it’s him (Kid that is) because he holds the gun. Fluff says something about a golden shower and tosses a bunch of gold at him, theres a big fight and struggle and as Kid is about to kill Fluff, Pup shows up and tears Kid apart. Pup then lays down one last time and dies, with a smile on his face, knowing that Fluff is alright.

We see Fluff 6 months later on an island he owns. Many beautiful stuffed animals are around him, feeding him, etc. There is a phone call, all they say is: “Is this line secure.” Fluff responds: “I don’t do that anymore.” The voice on the phone says, “It’s Figment, you’ve gotta get me outta here.”

THE END

It might be the worst movie of the year.

Hey guys! Sorry it’s so short and that this is the first one in a month and a half. I think from now on when I write fake movies, they are going to rhyme. Hope that’s okay!

Fred

Here’s a tale from New York
that starred an adorable dork
who is now so dismally dead.
He lived alone with his cat
in a small downtown flat.
His name was poor, pitiful Fred.

Sit back and I’ll tell you
about this poor fellow,
and his beastly beaus three.
He slit his own throat
in a rusty old boat
in the bay, down by the sea.

Now let’s rewind a few months
and consider the cunts
that lead poor Fred astray.
Each supplied a knife,
and a world full of strife.
that drove poor Fred to the bay.

There was Darla, of course,
who looked like a horse!
But we can’t really blame her for that.
She wooed him, and screwed him,
and downright abused him.
Then the bitch ran away with his cat.

We can’t forget Carry,
who was just a bit scary,
and incredibly, enormously fat.
Turns out her desires
were more to start fires,
particularly in his quaint little flat.

And finally Christine,
the beauty queen,
who came into his life with a strut.
Her face was sweeter than honey,
when she ran off with his money,
the gold digging, two-timing slut.

Our hero, bereft,
was sadly left,
feeling very small.
He walked onto the dock
and heard the gulls squawk.
And there he ended it all.

Memories of Tomorrow

Our main character Tom, played by Arnie Hammer, parks his car out in front of a lovely home. The lawn is littered with children’s toys and he trips over one on his way to the door. His friend Doug, played by Seth Rogen, answers the door while yelling through the house at his wife and kids. They walk into a man cave.

Tom is clearly jealous of Doug’s family life though Doug jokingly complains. Doug asks him about his love life. A montage of failed dates follows as Tom explains and the two friends laugh. Doug encourages him before his wife yells down to take the kids out. Tom accompanies them to a fair and walks around with the kids.

He finds a tent of antiques. An old woman looks at him funny after noticing the group of children that are not his. She says something strange about love and makes him but a strange chest. “This chest has a twin. I sold it recently to a pretty lady. This one, I think should be yours.” He reluctantly buys it and brings it home.

He opens the chest up and inside there is a lone VHS tape. There is a label on it that says “First Christmas.” It’s a tape of a woman opening a present, but the voice behind the camera is familiar to him. The woman opens the gift and starts to cry. The cameraman puts the camera down and walks over to kiss his wife. He is shocked to see the man is him.

He goes to put it back in the trunk and there is another tape. The label says “Jets vs. Giants” and he seems disappointed, but when putting the tape in it is a little league game. He hears his voice again and the voice of his wife cheering his son on in the game. His son hits a home run and his wife calls him out on the camera for crying. There is a beep, and she checks a pager. She says she has to run. She walks away toward the parking lot. There is an ambulance in the lot. The tape ends.

He goes back to the fair to find the old woman. He keeps asking her whom she sold the other chest to. The old woman gets weird and says, “You know who. You’ve seen her. I can’t help you find her. But she’s out there. Patience.”

Doug knocks on a door and Tom yells that it is open. Doug finds Tom sitting next to a pile of tapes. He clearly hasn’t left the house and has only been watching the tapes. There is a board with events written all over it. Tom explains that there has to be enough evidence to help him find her. Doug doesn’t believe him until Tom puts in a tape labeled “Doug’s Speech” and it’s his best man speech. It’s a terrible speech. Doug apologizes for the bad speech and believes his friend. A montage of tapes follow; birthdays, vacations, more Christmases, and graduations of their kids.

He falls asleep talking to the mystery woman. Saying he’ll find her and that he loves her. He wakes up and finds a new tape that reads “50th.” It’s an anniversary party and he’s giving a speech about how much his wife means to him. It’s a loving speech and Tom cries. His wife gets up and gives an even more passionate speech. He looks at the screen with love but that’s when she mentions the first day they meet. Its today.

He runs out of his house and into his car. He’s looks so happy and begins to cry. “I’m coming to get you.” SLAM. He gets in a car accident. We hear an ambulance and he opens is eyes on his way to the hospital. Above him is the woman from the tapes. She is an EMT. He looks at her and cries. She tells him to calm down, that he’ll be ok. He says, “It ‘s ok. Everything is perfect. I found you. I love you.” She looks confused but he grabs her hand. “We’re going to spend the rest of our lives together. The chest. It’s all there. You are the best thing that ever happened to me.” He dies.

We cut and she’s at home digging through the basement. She finds the other chest and opens it. She puts in a tape and cries as it plays. The credits begin to while we watch another tape. It’s Doug and his family having a BBQ and we see the young woman (who I forgot to name or cast) there with them. She has become close to them. The film fades out as she sits in a chair next to an empty one looking at it longingly.

The end.

Here goes!

Kodi Smit-McPhee stars as a lonely orphan boy named Toby.  He lives in an orphanage run by Janet Prickle, played by Kyra Sedgwick.  She is your run of the mill really mean house marm.  Whenever one of the boys in the orphanage acts up or does something she doesn’t like, they stuck in The Black Box.  It’s a really small room about 5 by 5 that has no windows so it’s pitch black.  Typically when a boy enters the box, they are stuck in there for an hour.  Prickle thinks the boys fear the lack of space and scream because they are afraid of the dark, but little does she know that there are dark spirits that feed on the dark and the fear.

All of the boys at the orphanage pick on Toby because he is generally quiet and easily frightened.  They play tricks on him and stuff and never get caught.  Toby often draws really cool but dark pictures of him fighting back against the bullies.  One of the biggest tricks they often pull on him is stealing his nightlight.  He’s 10 years old and still needs a nightlight so they rip on him for that.  In a later scene we see the boys steal his nightlight and then pick a fight with him. He is too afraid to hit them back, and knowing this, one of the boys hits the other one, and blames it on Toby.  Prickle comes and sees the boy lying of the floor and begins to chastise Toby.  She tells him he’s going to spend the day in the Black Box because fighting isn’t allowed.  Toby is normally ok with this, but when he reaches into his backpack he sees his nightlight is gone and this sends him into a panic.  He pleads not to get sent to the Box but Prickle ignores his cries and send him back in locking the door.  This time, the camera follows Toby in and then we see a creature come out of the shadows and it roars directly into Toby’s face, he screams and passes out.  The next day he has a white patch of hair on the side of his head and the kids make fun of him for that.  One of the bullies who isn’t as bad, tosses the nightlight back on to Toby’s bed and he’s clutches it tightly.

Toby stops talking.  All of the kids think he’s even weirder.  For days on end he just draws weird pictures of the shadow creature.  Prickle tries to get him talking, but he refuses, she decides to take him to a psychiatrist.  The psychiatrist, John Hodge, played by Guy Pearce is a bit strange, and off kilter, but he used to live at the orphanage as well, so he connects with the children.  When Toby walks in, he notices that John also has a white patch of hair.  John asks Toby why he’s clutching his nighlight and Toby doesn’t answer.  John then asks, if he’s holding it because of what he saw.  Toby looks up and John now has his attention.  He tells Toby that he saw the same thing when he was younger, and it affected him for many years.  People used to call him crazy, but he knew he wasn’t.  The creature, it builds strength on the fear and screams of children, and if it gets strong enough it will transition out of the shadows.  John warns him that people wont believe him, they’ll think he’s crazy, but he has to stop it.  Toby finally speaks, and asks how.  John tells him he has to stop Prickle from putting the boys into the Black Box to starve the creature, and then destroy the Box.  (John’s job is to explain what his happening and nothing else)

Back at the orphanage in the evening, Toby comes back and begins speaking again, he tells the boys they have to stop getting in trouble because the creature in the Box is getting stronger, and soon he’ll be able to actually hurt them.  Most of the boys don’t believe him.  The oldest one of them all, Marcus, played by Devon Bostick, calls Toby a wimp and says there is no such thing as ghosts and monsters.  He decides to go into the Black Box and prove it.  He goes in and Toby trying to stop him gets grabbed by the other boys.  The moment Marcus closes the Box door behind him the Box starts shaking and Marcus screams and screams and the boys laugh thinking he’s just joking, but once the box stops shaking, the door opens and Marcus falls out of the box, not breathing.  He’s dead.  Apparently all the creature in the Box had to do was terrify one child to death, before being able to leave the Box and live in the shadows of the entire orphanage.  Now the creature is out and it’s night time.  A storm conveniently knocks out the power to the orphanage.  Also this is set in the 1950′s cause that is cooler.  Anyway the creature is out and the boys are in hiding and an angry Ms. Prickle warns them they will get the Box if they don’t stop running and screaming.  She’s also an alcoholic and has a drink in her hand cause why not?  As she says they’ll get the box, the creature comes out of a shadow behind her and says, “there is no box” and lifts Prickle up into the ceiling forcefully killing her.

Now all of the kids are terrified and Toby tells them that what he was saying before was true and the only way to stop the creature is to shine light on him.  The kid from earlier who gave Toby the nightlight reminds him that the power is out and Toby says to build a fire.  He runs down into the basement and a really tense scene happens where Toby with a small gas lantern looks for a book of spells.  The creature is down there and he has to continually turn around or else the creature can emerge from the shadows and hurt him (because he is getting stronger, the creature can actually harm people now).  Toby gets the book and runs upstairs, but not before being clawed across the back from the creature and he falls, the book slips out of his hands and into the fire that the kid made.  So now Toby is hurt and their is no book of spells.  The creature kills one more kid for good measure, and then is strong enough to shift from looking translucent, to being solid matter. He begins walking around the house creepily looking to kill all the kids, because then he’ll be able to leave the house, and terrorize the world.

(A flashback scene happens where we find he was the original owner and proprietor of the orphanage and would abuse the boys at the orphanage, until one day they fought back, and pushed him into a fire killing him)

So anyway, Toby gets the idea that if he can force the creature into the fire, that should end things.  The boys all band together (finally) and force the creature back into the room with Toby.  Toby all of sudden knows who the creature is and tells him that he can try all he wants they aren’t afraid of him.  Some brave boys years ago stood up to him and they will too.  They all surround the creature and Toby tosses gas onto the fire making it bigger and brighter and the boys all force the creature down and tie him to the floor.  The creature in a scary voice says this wont stop him etc etc. and eventually the flames engulf him killing him, but now the house is on fire completely. Toby is brave and helps the kids out and brings them all to John Hodge.  Hodge decides that he’ll take them all in.  His house is large enough for all of them.

A scene three months later shows all of the boys getting along very well with Hodge as their caretaker and things are great.  One day Toby goes down into the basement and sees a box similar to the one Prickle has.  He is scared at first, and the music gets super scary, but then he opens the box and nothing comes out.  He breathes a sigh of relief and closes the door.  Then as he is headed back upstairs, he hears a few things fall over and thinks it’s the creature again, so he runs upstairs and closes the door.

The End.

The Law of the Jungle

A bunch scientists (they are wearing white lab coats so you know what they are) are doing science in a cobbled together lab.  There is a hush as a door flies open and the villain of the movie walks in followed by his security squad.  The villain in a confident voice says “It’s time, do it”.  After a beat, a terrified scientist offers “Morally none of us can do this…”  Without giving it a thought, the villain pulls out a gun and shoots him in the face.  “Does anyone here have a different moral compass?”  A scientist says “On it sir”, and he presses a button.  We see a young man tied to a table behind glass.  A hypodermic needle filled with a green liquid attached to a robotic arm jams into his arm, the man screams as the liquid is pumped into him.  The camera cuts to a view behind the villain’s head where we can’t quite make out what is happening behind the glass, but there are strange shadows and noises.  The camera swings around to a close up of the villains face who smile.  Title Card.

Cut to a military base.  Our rag tag crew of marines consist of the following:

TNT – Explosives expert
Max – Heavy Weapons
Pretty Boy – Stealth
Tank – Hand to hand
Alvy Ray- Tech

This is a WWE production so all the main characters are played by huge wrestlers (Russ feel free to cast this in the comments!).  The crew are sitting in a meeting room having character building conversations with each other (Pretty Boy talks about his girl back home, Tank makes an obscene comment about Pretty Boy’s girlfriend and mother, Alvy Ray talks about the benefits of Linux, Max shows off his biceps, and TNT just wants to watch the world burn).

It is exposition time when Charlie Sheen walks in followed by a woman (Zoe Saldana).  Charlie Sheen begins his presentation by showing photos of the villain on a 3D holographic display (hey movie makers, you guys know this doesn’t exist right?).  Turns out the villain is a Kony type figure named Otti who has been kidnapping different types of scientists.  The scientists include biologists, geneticists, physicians, and botanists who were kidnapped for reasons unknown.  Sheen then gives the floor to the woman.

Tank makes a extremely sexist comment to to the woman who laughs it off and then makes a joke about him doing so much steroids that he has tiny balls (See if she had just called him on his bullshit she would just be a bitch or a feminist, in a movie putting up with sexism makes a woman strong).  Pretty Boy asks what her name is and she tells them all to call her “sir”.  Which means we should add to our crew

Sir – has boobs

Sir explains that her entire family was killed by Otti and she wants revenge.  She knows the area and knows people around where Otti is believed to be staying.  She will be their guide.  Charlie Sheen says that this is Black Ops, totally off the books, so he feels free to tell them all to just kill the fucker.

Cut to our crew on a helicopter flying into Otti territory.  It is dense jungle and of course Wagner’s Ride of the Valkyres is playing on the soundtrack (it’s like deep man).  Sir waxes poetically about how the jungle is beautiful from the air but that it hides the rot and death under the canopy.  Pretty Boy tries to say something hopeful to her, but Tank calls him gay.  Alvy Ray wonders what Otti could be doing with the scientists, Max says he doesn’t care as long as Mavis gets some action, Mavis is of course his minigun.  TNT is silent and just looks fucking crazy.

They set down and Sir guides them to a nearby village.  She speaks in a different language to some of the villagers who seem upset.  Alvy Ray asks what’s wrong and Sir says that there has been activity to the North, but they aren’t making sense, they keep saying there are monsters there.  Tank looks scared for a moment but says something racist to look tough.

After hiking through the jungle for a while they finally find Otti’s hideout.  Pretty Boy uses his stealth skills to investigate.  He comes back and with information about how many guards he say etc.  They make a plan about how to get into the play (of course the audience doesn’t get to hear what that plan exactly is).

They execute their plan which consists of diversions and a bunch of shit that doesn’t really matter (Alvy Ray deactivates the defenses, TNT blows up a wall, Tank punches dudes in the face, Max uses the shit out of Mavis etc).  Otti escapes as the action starts and shows his brutality by sending many of his men to die needlessly.  Otti tells the men that now was the time to try out their new weapon.

The crew find the scientists but just as they begin to gather them stuff goes crazy.  Monsters bust through the walls and start grabbing and killing scientists.  This part is shot with crazy shaky cam so it is hard to make out what the monsters actually look like.  They escape and TNT throws his grenade belt back into the lab, they all dive towards the camera as the lab explodes in slow motion behind them.

Exposition scene of the scientist explaining what Otti had them create.  Otti wanted unstoppable warriors that didn’t need any supplies.  To that end, he combined human and plant DNA so the resulting creates would use photosynthesis for energy and wouldn’t need to eat food to survive.  Otti planned to drop his army into enemy villages and let them do as much damage as they could.  The scientist expresses regret and begins to cry, but Tank slaps him in the face.

They try to escape but they keep running into the monsters.  This is an attempt to start a movie monster franchise so it’s time to break down the monsters.  Basically they look like a cross between Swamp Thing and the Flood from Halo.  There are a few different types and their action figure names:

ClapTrap – Has a venus fly trap head and stomach
Vinea – Has a bunch of vines as arms which it uses to grab and throw their enemies
Bomber – Has big mushroom looking growths that explode and release spores when shot
Thigmo – Is covered with brightly colored tentacles like the Cape Sundew plant

They run into a Vinea which does some damage but Max is able to shoot it up with his minigun.  A ClapTrap grabs Sir and is about to eat her head with its venus fly trap looking head, but at the last second, she shoves a grenade in it.  Her hand gets ripped up as she kicks herself away from it, and the ClapTrap explodes in a bad CG explosion.  TNT is too close a Bomber when it is shot and gets spores all over himself.  Tank punches a Thigmo in the face.  The scientist is eaten by a ClapTrap but is able to tell the crew about a secret weapons cache that Otti has that they may be able to use.

They make a r