Jonathan Tiglias (not his real name) is God’s single greatest creation. The man is a Fake Movie Title genius. He’s good at a few other things but this is the real reason why he was put on this Earth. I’m going to try my best to do this title justice.
The Wonderful, Exciting World of Arthur Tribb and the Many Beautiful Women Who Hate Him
Doctor’s rush a screaming pregnant woman through a hospital. The delivery room doors shut. Silent beat before we hear a baby crying. Before the doors swing back open, a nurse running off with the baby as the mother screams “get that stupid fucking thing away from me.
Black screen with the following text (this will be used a few times)
In a montage we see Arthur growing up with his mother. She treats him incredibly poorly. As he enters school we see he is extremely gifted but each of his female teachers dislike him immensely.
(First Crush: 3rd Grade)
Arthur stands out in the playground talking to some other male students. He turns around and sees a girl his age being led out into the yard by his teacher. The other boys whisper about how she is new. Arthur is immediately smitten.
That night he tries to tell his mother about her but she is busy watching Wheel of Fortune and ignores him. He tries to ask about what you should do if you like a girl. His mother answers, knowing where you came from you’ll probably impregnate her, leave her, and ruin her life.
The next day he tries to talk to Susie. He is polite and buys her an ice cream from the truck, he gets her pistachio as she said her favorite color is green. She asks what flavor it is after taking a few licks and he tells her. She drops it and we quick cut to her being put into an ambulance, face swelled up, and being driven away.
The next day he is beat up by her older brother while she laughs at him.
(Guidance Counselor: High School)
Arthur meets with Ms. Lockley to talk about his schedule for his Junior year. She is polite and trying to fit him into the more advanced classes he is capable of. They chat and figure out a great schedule for him. He comments on all the pictures of a dog around the office.
Later he sits behind the wheel of a drivers ed car, shocked look on his face. as the camera pans to show a leash coming from under the tire. Ms. Lockley shouts at him. We see her putting together his applications for college, and in voice over we hear the awful recommendation letter she has written.
(First Sexual Partner: College)
Ms. Lockley’s letter aside, Arthur has made it to college on scholarship. He sits on the quad opening a letter from his mother. It says that she has rented out his room and that he needs to find a place to live for the summer, and really for the rest of his life. Across the quad he sees Dawn. She walks over to him and asks about their calculus class and if he could give her extra help.
He helps her and one night they start to make out. They have sex and she is extremely loud. The story of her spreads throughout the dorm and campus and she is branded a slut. She drops the class and he is also branded a pig by the women of campus.
Quick flashes of a happy wedding, honeymoon and first few months of marriage dissolve into his wife yelling at him. Arthur’s job wants to move him to Canada and she’s furious. The move would come with double the salary and a large moving stipend. She wants to stay in the city for her art career. He stays for her but she starts resenting him for it. She starts becoming huge for her depictions of him.
Arthur’s face becomes this resounding image for feminist. His wife leaves him. He is hated by women everywhere. His face plasters their placards during a rally. He loses his job earlier that week and heads out and finds the mob of women protest. Thousands of women start chasing him. He is chased all the way to the river and jumps in. The crowd cheers as he is swept downstream.
He gives up and is swept into the ocean. He floats some more and ends up on a small island. He builds himself a hut and is enjoying life. One day while gathering food he reaches for some fruit and bumps hands with a female monkey holding a baby. The monkey gives him a dirty look before running away.
Years later he is saved and his story is told. He becomes famous once again but the country is divided. He dies and is buried with a small headstone, the funeral was not well attended. The seasons change over his grave and the years go one. A young woman walks through the field and trips over his gravestone. “Asshole” she mutters as we fade to black.