Monthly Archives: May 2013

Fake Movie Friday: On Open Water

It’s technically Friday and I can’t sleep, so here I go. I watched not one but two television specials on the evidence for mermaids. The rest of the story about where I watched it makes the story even better but not now. Let’s do it.

On Open Water

Chris rolls into a tiny fishing village in Maine. He heads into a bar filled with the locals. A few drunks try and start some shit with him. He fights them off and this is pretty much the beginning of Star Trek.
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Movie Movie Podcast #40: Furious Trek 6: Midnight Ha

Here it is! The one you’ve been waiting for! Well, the one we’ve been waiting for. Even though Alex didn’t like it as much. What a jerk. Join Alex, Russ, Pete and myself as we gush over Fast and Furious 6, have a light hearted look at Star Trek: Into Darkness, and take a brief respite to talk about Before Midnight and Frances Ha. Recorded on May 29th 2013.

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Fake Movie Friday: Vin Diesel Flying Through The Air

I’m tired. It’s been a long week. But fuck that shit, I saw FURIOUS 6 last night and it was the best. THE BEST! I actually have zero ideas and can only think of Vin Diesel flying through the air.

Vin Diesel Flying Through The Air

We open on Brad, a young student sitting in class. The teacher is going on about the American Revolution. Brad starts to daydream about him and George Washington riding across a field to a line of British Soldiers. George Washington pops on sunglasses and says, “let’s do this.” They take out AKs and start shooting.
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Fake Movie Friday: Anonymous

Last night was Pig Pile, which means today’s title is courtesy of a random audience member, an anonymous audience member even. Let’s do this.


Our main character Rick, 20-something, works in the bursar’s office at a small college. He’s down on his luck and hates his job. Quick montage of kids coming to hisdesk to inquire about their tuition bill and complaining. The last person is a pretty girl name Jess who makes monthly payments in cash from her waitressing job and we see the chemistry between the two. He comes home one night and his girlfriend Diane, who he lives with, is mad at him. They fight about a few things and she storms off, they are both clearly unhappy.
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Fake Movie Friday: The Picnic Table

I haven’t written one in a while, but I asked for a suggestion last night at the show and I’ll be damned if I let this one slip by too! I won’t lie, this ENTIRE movie is a rip of. A retelling if you will. Sort of. Just not as good because it’s me. With that I give you:

The Picnic Table

There is a school official speaking to two parents. She, Mrs Appleby, is the head of a near by all female boarding school in South Dakota and is telling the parents not to worry. Their daughter, Sara, has been in trouble a lot recently at her public school and this is the best way to go. That Joan Lindsay Boarding School is the best in the country, their graduates go on to do great things and to trust her. The conversation is being interspersed with shots of Sara in her room packing. She thinks about jumping out the windows and running away but sees the school van outside with a driver still there. She has to leave everything that can be used to contact anyone else behind, her computer, phone, the only thing electronic she can take with her is her watch. Everything else will be provided for her. Sara comes down the stairs with a suitcase, looks at her parents who get up to come and say goodbye to her, but Sara just walks out the door. Mrs Appleby follows her and they ride in the school van to a remote boarding school, surrounded by beautiful nothingness.

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Movie Movie Podcast #39: Iron Gatsby

Holy calamity! We have a LIVE IMPROV show at LIC’s The Creek and the Cave in an hour! So what am I doing here? Well getting you the latest hotness from us, the Movie Movie Podcast crew! Join Alex, Russ, Peter and myself as we toss our shirts at The Great Gatsby and play detective with Iron Man 3. Recorded on May 14th 2013.

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Fake Movie Friday: Bless Their Hearts

Hey all. Writing this on Thursday because I will have no time tomorrow. I bet you are wondering what it feels like to be the last man standing, the only one to not skip a week. It feels lonely. Like to say a huge congrats to Tigs and Russ for all the amazing work they did inspiring me each week. I won’t be stopping any time soon. Someone at work said this today and I’ve decided it is based on book one of a young adult series.

Bless Their Hearts

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C’mon Marvel: Pay Up!

We are living in a post Iron Man 3 world, which only means that Marvel’s Phase 2 is upon us.  With Thor 2 out later this year, Captain America out in less than a year and Guardians of the Galaxy a little over a year away, it is time for Marvel to start thinking Avengers 2.  This movie will be bigger than big as evidenced from the box office of the first film and Iron Man 3 this past weekend, but a slight problem is brewing on the horizon.  The actors don’t want to work for peanuts again.  Basically if you decide to act in a film for Marvel you are working for a few hundred thousand dollars, and you will be signed to a multi-picture deal.  Smart move on Marvel’s end.  They get the actors they want locked in long enough so that they can retain consistency throughout their cross-over films.   The only re-casting so far has been Terrence Howard swapped out for Don Cheadle.  Terrence asked for too much money to come back for a sequel, so they booted him.  Also The Hulk has been recast three separate times.  I don’t count it as a recasting for money purposes however.  They wanted someone who worked better in an ensemble capacity.  Ed Norton does not command a large paycheck, but he LOVES having script control. Enter Mark Ruffalo

Right now, Marvel’s biggest problem is that Robert Downey Jr is out of contract.  Iron Man 3 was the last film he was contractually obligated to make, and he was the only one who ever got paid what he was worth.  There has been talk that Iron Man can be replaced with a different actor, but would Marvel REALLY want to test those waters?  Iron Man’s success and Downey’s portrayal is what ties the Avengers films together.  Without him, you have a problem.  So now Marvel has to renegotiate with Downey Jr., but he’s also planning on playing hardball for the rest of the heroes.  Chris Hemsworth and Scarlet Johannson are both said to be chapped over their awful contracts in their previous films and no longer want to work for nothing for a film that will make over one billion dollars.  Neither currently has a contract for Avengers 2, and rumor has it that Marvel would consider either getting other actors or just inserting other characters if need be to replace them.  I get that on paper.  Comics are a revolving door of characters.  They come in and out with little explanation, because certain writers like certain characters.  Thus the absence of any character could be explained away in two seconds: “Oh Thor, he’s up in Asgard protecting the realm.”  See? It’s that easy.  There is already talk of including Quicksilver, Scarlet Witch, Ms. Marvel, Black Panther, and Iron Patriot in the next film.  All really cool characters yes, but not at the expense of the ones we already have.

My advice to Marvel: Just pay up already.  You were fortunate enough to make an awful lot of money, without having to pay much for the work, but in doing that, you built careers.  Chris Hemsworth IS Thor.  That and women, namely my girlfriend love him.  Don’t upset the apple cart so early.   No, I am not saying that you’ll have to pay them Downey Jr. money ($50 million), but a decent salary, or a backend of the gross would be fair.  With a backend you can worry about paying them after the movie has cleaned up at the box office.  The films are universally beloved, and make you more money than you ever had as a company simply printing comic books.  The frugal nature of Marvel, and Disney for that matter with actors has allowed them to make some great movies, but when the only people getting paid are Johnny Depp, and Robert Downey Jr.  that is a problem.  If this contract dispute becomes more public than it already has, it will not go well for Marvel and Disney.  I, like many other comic book film fans, want to see as many of the characters I’ve grown up with on screen as possible.  Not less.  If I find out Thor isn’t in Avengers 2 because he couldn’t get one million dollars, I’ll lose my ever-loving mind.


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Movie Movie Podcast #38: Pain & Oblivion

The summer movie season is finally upon us! In spring! Long lines, long movies and lots to bitch about!  Join Peter, Alex, Russ and myself as we dig deeper into Oblivion and get down and dirty with Pain and Gain. Recorded on May 1 2013.

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Fake Movie Sabbatical

I can say that I’ve thought about some movies and I even got a bunch of suggestions from Colm today:
Drummer Boi (wrote part of it. I didn’t think I should keep writing)
The Elegant Elephant (this almost became tonight’s ghost and darkness rip off)
Tip Tow
The Hallway
The Creeping
The Unhinged
Down the Creak
Fed Up

But I’m still insanely sick, over tired, in Chicago and pissed off at the Knicks. So I’m taking this week off. The crown is yours, Pete. Wear it well.