While waiting to go dancing I wrote up this little horror movie. It’s another festive one.
Ring in the New Year with Blood
We open with a montage of news reports about all the horrible things that have happened in 2016. The camera tracks back to reveal that all the images were being played on a TV in a classroom.
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Boom. Two weeks in a row of remembering to do this in a timely manner. I texted Tigs some titles, but haven’t heard back so I’m going back a couple of weeks to when he gave me this one.
Midnight Crew
We open on a group of 4 teens hanging out on a dark cliff. They laugh together and cheer their drinks. They all look at their matching watches and start to countdown from 10. When they hit zero, they turn and run off shouting “Midnight Crew.” They hit the water below, pop up and yell triumphantly.
Making this a quick one, just got a bunch of texts from Pete with titles suggestions. I’m not even gonna spell check this one, that’s how fast it will be written. I think I wrote this exact one a few weeks ago…
Tomorrow Didn’t Come
Julia and Jim have been living together for 10 years, and have been dating for 15, but never got married. They’d spoken about it before and answer questions about it, but they just felt the time had come and past and that it wouldn’t be the big celebration that they wanted because of how long it’s been. They have their routine they follow and it’s been getting them by. Julia leaves early in the morning for her job at the hospital, and sometimes sleeps there overnight, while Jim works from home as an architect. But Jim has actually been preparing to finally ask Julia to marry him, all of their parents are ready to meet them at their house in the suburbs that night after work.
Extended prologue
The story takes place in a small Cleveland, Ohio town. Assume all the stranger things kids are in this. Long story short, but Santa Claus, played by a scenery chewing Mark Strong, tired of kids being naughty and wasting all of the gifts his elves make, decides to take Christmas into his own hands. He, along with his elves and raindeer, decide to leave the South Pole and occupy Cleveland. This santa seems angrier than most, but the people of cleveland, still in a Cavaliers induced championship hangover, welcome santa with open arms. They feel as though their city is finally getting it’s due. However, once Santa gets to Cleveland, he gets out his ray gun, and shoots Lebron James’ kid straight in the face, killing him instantly. Lebron, noticeably upset charges at Santa screaming “WHYYYYY?!?!?” Santa cooly replies, “He was on the naughty list.”
Title card: FIGHT CHRISTMAS in 3D
I’m watching a terrible Christmas movie with my family right now. I’m a fan of holiday themed horror movies and ”tis the season.
You Better Watch Out
The date December 23 is superimposed over an overhead shot of the front of a department store. There is no one around except for a man dressed as Santa ringing a bell in front of a donation bin. The camera slowly moves down until it is in closeup on a twenty dollar bill right on top of the donations. The Santa looks around sees no one, takes a swig off his flask and grabs the twenty. We see a shadow cross the Santa. “Naughty naughty” a raspy voice says. As the Santa begins to say something an ax swings through the frame. His severed head drops into the donation bin.
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So during the first volume of Fake Movie Friday, Alex wrote one film. Understandably we gave him a hard time about this. After the book was published and we decided to start Vol 2 we joked about him writing one. When it came time to ask the Pig Pile crowd for our first week suggestion Alex announced he would do one too. Tigs gave him a title. He did not write it. Tigs and I have decided to both write a film using the title. The only rule is DO NOT MENTION THIS TO ALEX. Let’s see when he notices.
No One Believes You
A kids movie. AKA not weird. Well kind of weird.
No One Believes You
The year is 3027 and no one believes in Santa anymore. The world is beyond jaded, everyone is a cog in a machine: they go to work in a line, do their job and go home. Most of the world is now drenched in drab colors and people are rarely interacting with people because basically everything is a crime.
Ugh. 2 weeks in a row that I am posting the movie early Saturday morning. I think we can all agree to count this as late Friday night instead. Title from an audience member at Pig Pile!
The Great Diaper Rash
We open on Taylor. She’s working the kitchen of a fancy restaurant and is propositioned by a coworker to get in on a side catering job. She turns it down saying she needs to be there for her son. Not looking she burns her arm on the fryer.
I finished this one up waiting for my friends Berto and Jaime’s fight. I got inspired by The Shallows.
Jump the Shark
We open with a pov shot from the perspective of a scuba diver. The swimmer sinks to lower and lower depths passing various sea life. The credits play as the music gets more ominous. Out of nowhere a shark attacks. The title card is shown.
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After taking last week off for Colm’s wedding festivities (congratulations Lisa and Colm!) I’m back in it, full force, for the time being! Pete and I got title suggestions at our show last night, which leads us into my FMF this week:
This House Needs Paint
This movie is shot entirely on a go-pro or some other handheld type camera is a found footage type of thing. Doug and Jen are newly married and have been looking for a house. The real estate agent, Kim, takes them around to tons of houses for days on end. After many failed attempts, mostly because of budget restraints and other bidders coming in at the last minute it seems like Doug and Jen are out of luck until they are driving with Kim and she says “Well there is one other house that’s in you price range…” Continue reading