Fake Movie Friday Vol 2: You Better Watch Out

I’m watching a terrible Christmas movie with my family right now. I’m a fan of holiday themed horror movies and ”tis the season.

You Better Watch Out

The date December 23 is superimposed over an overhead shot of the front of a department store. There is no one around except for a man dressed as Santa ringing a bell in front of a donation bin. The camera slowly moves down until it is in closeup on a twenty dollar bill right on top of the donations. The Santa looks around sees no one, takes a swig off his flask and grabs the twenty. We see a shadow cross the Santa. “Naughty naughty” a raspy voice says. As the Santa begins to say something an ax swings through the frame. His severed head drops into the donation bin.

Christmas music plays as we cut to a house covered in Christmas lights. They have one of those longs poles with lights strung down to make it look like a Christmas tree. The camera travels inside pausing on different decorations as the credits are displayed. There is an end table with a bowl of candy canes and a book titled “Dealing with Addiction” resting on it. We pass a fireplace with four Christmas stockings and one regular red stocking strung up.

“I hate you so much. That’s my goddamn room,” says a 14 year old girl. “Francine you watch your language. It’s almost Christmas, have a giving spirit. Your uncle has been through a lot, the least we can do is give him a place to stay during the holidays” says her mother. “It’s fine, we don’t mind, honest” says an 8 year old boy. “Shut up Sammy. You are such a suck up!” Yells Francine.

The father is about to say something when he gets a call on his cell phone. He goes into the other room to take it. Francine storms off. Her mother is exasperated. The father comes back into the room. “I have to go, work.” “Joe, you promised.” “I know Roxy, but this is important.” He looks around to make sure the children can’t hear. Softly “There was a murder.” Roxy gives a understanding nod.

Joe is a cop and he is at the crime scene from the opening. The Santa outfit has been removed from the body. “We found him like this. Poor bastard. Guess he is no longer donning his gay apparel,” says Joe’s partner.

Francine is still pissed. She is going to act out. She tells Sammy that she knows where all the presents are hidden. There is a secret passageway from her parents closet going underneath the stairs. She is going to open them all up and ruin Christmas. Sammy tries to convince her not to but she is determined.

The mother Roxy wakes up in the morning and walks to the living room to find wrapping paper all over the place. Francine is passed out on the couch with a stolen bottle of liquor next to her. Roxy is livid. She starts to yell about how she ruined Christmas for everyone and how pissed her father will be when he gets back. She collects herself. In a calm voice says, “You have just lost phone privileges. I’m taking your cell phone.”

Francine freaks the hell out, but Roxy takes it. The home phone rings. Roxy looks pale. There are hushed voices. After hanging up she calls Joe who still can’t get off work. She makes a few more calls. In a grave voice she tells the children that there is an emergency and she has to go. She says she isn’t done punishing Francine and she better behave for the babysitter. Francine starts to say how she is old enough and she doesn’t need a babysitter but Roxy just gives her the stink eye. Francine tries a different tactic and in a sweet serious voice tries to explain how her parents aren’t there so she needs her cell phone for emergencies. “Nice try. If anything happens just use the landline. I’ll leave the numbers on the fridge. I’m sure you don’t know any.”

The babysitter (Gwen) arrives and the mother leaves. Gwen says “Look I don’t want to be here but your mother paid me a bunch of money. I heard you’ve been naughty children. My boyfriend is coming over soon and if you rat me out or don’t behave, Santa will know. Santa will track you down and kill you. You better watch out!” “Yeah right, we know Santa isn’t real right Sammy,” says Francine. Sammy nods his head but he clearly still believes.

Gwen gets ready for her boyfriend and there is a gratuitous shower scene. Her boyfriend shows up on a motorcycle looking 90s cool. They make out on the couch as Francine fumes in the other room. Sammy tries to calm her down but suddenly we see a crazed Santa Claus in the window. Sammy is the only one who sees it and tries to convince Francine that it was real. She doesn’t believe him.

Francine schemes of ways to act out. She decides she will throw the Christmas fruit cake at the couple. She sneaks into the room with the cake above her head. Through the window the Santa pops up again. Francine drops the cake on the floor and screams.

Gwen and the boyfriend are mad. Francine tells them about what she saw. “I told you Santa was going to get you!” Says Gwen. The children are crying and screaming. The boyfriend says “I’ll shut these stupid kids up. Look guys. I’ll prove there is no Santa! …. I mean I’ll show you that there isn’t a Santa outside.”

He walks outside. Looks in the bushes and all around the property. He returns, standing in the doorway and says “All clear little dudes. There is no Santa!” A plastic Candy Cane that has been sharpened to a point, flys out of the boyfriends chest. He drops to the floor revealing a crazed Santa behind him. Gwen flys to her feet and slams the door on the Santa who is almost able to push himself inside. “Call 911!” yells Gwen.

Francine tries to call but can’t figure out how to use the rotary phone. Through tears Sammy manages to explain. “Police, this is an emergency, we live at … police, hello! We got disconnected. This stupid phone isn’t working.” “Maybe he cut the line,” says Gwen. “The cord is connected to the wall, I don’t understand,” says Francine. “You know telephone polls, the wire keeps going,” says Gwen. Francine rolls her eyes.

Gwen has been holding her dead boyfriend. She tries to use her cell phone but the Santa breaks through a window and strangles her to death with Christmas lights.

The children run upstairs. “You’ve been so naughty!” the Santa screams from downstairs. Sammy is freaking out. He keeps blaming Francine saying if she wasn’t so bad Santa wouldn’t be trying to kill them. Francine explains that that is just a guy downstairs and the only way they can get out of this is if they are bad.

She and Sammy make a quick trap. When the Santa breaks through the door he trips over the Christmas lights the children have set up. They run downstairs and hide in the secret crawl space the presents were.

The Santa is pissed. He keeps yelling and searching. The children think he is about to leave. “You know what naughty children get for Christmas!? Coal.” They smell smoke. The Santa is setting coal on fire and throwing them all over the house.

The children know they have to leave. They run out and the Santa almost gets them. They manage to make it to the fireplace and begin to crawl up it. The Santa grabs Sammy’s foot but he gets away. The Santa is too big to fit up the chimney.

Sammy and Francine come out the chimney onto the roof. They think they have escaped but the Santa has climbed up and attacks them with an ax. After they run around, the Santa has Sammy cornered. He is about to swing the ax when Francine yells “Hey Santa.” He turns around “You don’t have your sleigh. Can you still fly!?” Sammy has gone on all fours and Francine pushes the Santa. He trips over Sammy and falls off the roof and is impaled on the Christmas tree made of lights.

They call the cops and the parents return. It is revealed that the killer Santa is actually the uncle. He had just gotten out of rehab but had a relapse and took too much bath salts. Francine apologizes for how terrible she treated everyone. The family have a group hug and Santa Claus is Coming to Town plays over the credits.

The End

One thought on “Fake Movie Friday Vol 2: You Better Watch Out

  1. peter says:

    I’m assuming you were so proud of your “gay apparel” line that you immedately ended that scene with zero comment like a boss.

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