Ok, Ashley may be a little crazy. Here is her delightfully weird story of murder and dogs.
Because I don’t want to live in a world where this isn’t a movie I get to watch whenever I’m feeling a little blue, I bring you
by Ashley Carter
We open on a couple played by Kristen Connolly (our titular character) and some unknown actor we’ll call Boyfriend 1. Melody is an intelligent, funny, and easygoing woman. She owns an adorable medium-sized dog named Basil and clearly has great circle of friends, a great job, etc. The soundtrack to this movie will be upbeat as we follow Melody through her life/adventures in dating.
Melody and Boyfriend 1 are having dinner at her apartment. They are talking about their weekend plans, a mutual friend, wine, and other boring shit couples talk about over dinner. Boyfriend 1 casually asks Melody to pass the salt.
Boyfriend 1: “Can you pass the salt, Mel?”
Melody: “Oh, sure. It’s in the cabinet, let me get it for you.”
Boyfriend 1: “Thanks.” *Continues conversation about friend’s upcoming wedding*
*Standing behind Boyfriend 1’s chair*
Melody: “Here you go.”
*Just starting to turn around*
Boyfriend 1: “Do you think the wedding will have a-”
*Smashes Boyfriend 1’s head in with a metal meat tenderizer*
*Adorably licks blood off the floor and is adorably scolded by Melody*
Once Melody is finished with Boyfriend 1, we see her make a phone call to a man named Simon (played by Christopher Abbott).
Melody: “Hey Simon! Can you come help me clean up the mess I made at dinner?”
*You can’t hear him*
Melody: “Great! See you in a bit!”
The movie then follows Melody murdering a whole series of men in different, fun ways. One is strangled with Basil’s leash, one is repeatedly stabbed with a knitting needle in his sleep, one is bludgeoned to death with a copy of “The Second Sex” by Simone de Beauvoir (because she is nothing if not well read), etc. Simon is always there to help Melody clean up. We learn he works for some kind of cleaning company or agency. He is always in uniform. Melody’s friends treat her disappearing boyfriends like a joke, and although no one says it, it seems as though they all know exactly where her boyfriends actually are. The police are never even mentioned.
As time progresses it is clear that Melody and Simon are meant to be together. When Simon doesn’t get a phone call from Melody for over a month, he drops by her apartment to check on her and finds her and Boyfriend 8 watching a movie. This is the first time we see Simon without his uniform. The camera stays with Boyfriend 8 as Melody chats with Simon in her kitchen, just out of earshot. Melody is smiling, as is Simon. Boyfriend 8 is confused, but assumes they’re friends and tries to get a little closer so he can hear what they are saying. Melody sees that Boyfriend 8 is trying to get closer to her and Simon. She smiles at Boyfriend 8 and holds up her pointer finger and mouths “one second.” Melody continues her conversation with Simon while opening her kitchen drawers. She rummages for a while before she pulls out a cork screw. She grabs a bottle of wine off of the counter, asks Simon to grab two glasses, and walks into the living room. She sets the bottle of wine down and uncorks it. She asks Boyfriend 8 to pull the cork off of the corkscrew while still speaking with Simon. Boyfriend 8 then hands the corkscrew back to Melody, who proceeds to brutally murder him with it. Once done, Melody and Simon have a glass of wine, Basil again adorably licks a little blood off the floor, Melody and Simon laughingly scold him, and everything is right in the world.