Fake Movie Friday – Snowblind

With Premium Rush coming out this weekend to be nothing other than a schlocky mess, I figure we are ripe to have some more EXTREME action movies coming out.  This film will be directed by any hack like Rob Cohen.

This film starts off with two brothers at the top of a gondola in Vail, Colorado.  They are all getting ready to ride down a diamond course and we see one of them , Rick, played by Mike Vogel is nervous.  He’s not as experienced as his older brother Ryan, played by Anson Mount.  Ryan encourages to just do it anyway, and when they begin to ride, an avalanche starts.  They attempt to out ride the avalanche and are doing well, but it starts to get faster and Rick, decides to ride up a half pipe (that is conveniently in the middle of the course) and get big enough air to grab on to a high tree branch.  His brother follows suit, but does not get enough air and grabs onto Ricks board. Rick tries to grab him and bring him up to safety, but Ryan says it’s too late, he’ll end up bringing them both down.  He says “never stop riding” and he falls in slow motion into the avalanche, and we assume he dies. Rick screams no, and at that moment a helicopter comes to get him out of the tree, and the the Title Card “SNOWBLIND” comes onto the screen.

We open 4 years later to the same mountain, Mt. Ripper, and tons of college kids are shredding up the mountain.  People seem to be having a great time, including Rick, who is now the head snowboard instructor at the mountain.  He’s a little older and wiser and clearly took his brother’s advice to heart.  He’s one of the best snowboarders in the country and an even better instructor.  He always preaches safety, but also preaches fun.  Anyway after he’s done with work he heads to the lodge with Anya, played by Olivia Wilde, the female snowboarding instructor he clearly likes.  They go to grab a few drinks, until her boyfriend Chad, played by Chris Pratt comes to take her home.  He’s a douche, and works for a rival mountain Funville, that is looking to buy the mountain to expand it’s kid-friendly snow park.  The snowboarders of Mt. Ripper don’t want this to happen, but the owner, John Howard, played by Bryan Cranston will have to sell if they don’t keep bringing profits.  We come to find in a later scene that Chad is attempting to force John to sell reminding him that they don’t have avalanche insurance.  They wont be able to survive another avalanche.  It took 4 years for them to get back on their feet, and if another one happens they are done. John says he’ll take his chances, people deserve to have fun and not pay an arm and leg to do it.

Later we see John bring Rick up to speed that if they don’t bring in another 400,000 this season, it might be their last.  Rick tells him to have faith and says “always keep riding” even though it makes no sense.  Anyway, in a later scene we see that as Anya and Rick grow closer as friends, it’s clear that they would probably like each other and date if not for Chad.  Chad gets this sense too, and tells his bosses via the phone to enact plan B so they can get this moving quickly.

The next day at the mountain, Rick notices that something feels a bit off.  He has a feeling similar to the one that he had the day his brother died, so he tells all of the students to get to the base and go into the lodge.  John takes a snowmobile to the top of one of the mountains, and right as he gets to the top and says that things appear to be ok,  a mysterious man named Hudson, played by Vinnie Jones, in the distance presses a detanator that causes and avalanche.  John and his snowmobile get caught in the avalanche and it is presumed he is dead.  There are also several other boarders and skiiers trapped in the avalanche.  Anya tries to call 911, but conveniently a huge snowstorm comes in.  Rick tells Anya to keep everyone inside safe.  He’s going to try and see who is out there he can save.  She warns him not to cause it’s suicide, but he says he already lost a brother to an avalanche, he wont lose anyone else.  So he grabs a spare snowmobile, attaches a cab thingy to it so he can bring his snowboard.  He gets to the top of the mountain and he sees that there were explosives set there.  From a distance Hudson sees that and contacts Chad and his boss.  They tell Hudson to make sure that Rick doesn’t make it down that mountain.  Rick upon seeing the explosives realizes that the avalanche was no accident.  He takes a picture and then starts boarding down the mountain.  He ties ropes to trees and uses them to help people climb out and he snowboards from side to side.  He finds John who is suffering from hypothermia.  He asks him if he’s ok, and John says he thinks that Funville is behind it.  Rick tells him that he’s right.  He saw the explosives.  Rick wraps John in a blanket and asks him if he’s ok to drive the mobile and if so, take the boarders and skiiers back to the lodge where Anya will start seeing to their injuries etc.  John asks what Rick is going to do.  Rick says he’s going to stop Funville.   John tells him that he’s going to need a gun and tosses him his (yes John has had a gun for no reason).

Rick climbs up the backside of the mountain in an attempt to find whomever set off the explosives and a shot flies right past him.  Now a bunch of gunmen headed by Hudson are shooting at him, so he shreds powder over to the trick park.  He jumps down into the halfpipe to elude the men on snowmobiles shooting at him.  He does a bunch of cool tricks and pretty much shoots all the guys except for Hudson.  He jumps out of the halfpipe and grabs a snowmobile and Hudson starts chasing.  It’s like a car chase without cars, only in blinding snow.  Hudson shoots at him and eventually grazes Rick’s shoulder.  At this point, Rick realizes that Hudson will kill him if he gets another straight shot, so he falls off the mobile as though that last shot killed him.  Hudson gets off the mobile and slowly walks up to him.  Rick then shoots him in the leg after playing possum and Hudson gun flies.  A bunch of stupid exposition later, we find out Chad and his father Robert, played by Gary Cole are behind the avalanche.  Rick gets on his snowboard (which is always exactly where it should be) and leaves Mt. Ripper for Funville. He radios to Anya, cause that’s convenient to call the cops, cause now the snow is letting up and he arrives at Funville, where Chad and his father are waiting for him.  He tells them that it’s all over, and pulls out his gun,  they draw on him and tell him to drop the gun.  He asks them what they hoped to gain by causing the avalanche.  They do what villains always do and admit their whole plan and how they plan on getting away with it.  Turns out Rick had his hand on the radio the whole time and the cops picked up the frequency.  They cops arrive and enter Funville from behind and right as Chad and Robert are about to kill Rick, the cops fire away at the both of them from behind and Rick ducks for cover.

Everything works out in the end oddly.  The money problems John was having kind of disappear even though there is no good reason for that, and Rick takes over Funville, which is now an extension of Mt. Ripper.  Anya is his girlfriend now, and theres a giant statue in the middle of the new Mt. Ripper dedicated to his brother Ryan.  He says he couldn’t have done it without him, and the movie ends.

Its dumb

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3 thoughts on “Fake Movie Friday – Snowblind

  1. johnnytigs says:

    Everything from the beginning scene Rick falling to the snow chase I could imagine vividly. Fucking great as always, Russ!

  2. peter says:

    This move serves up some ICEY JUSTICE

  3. peter says:

    NO! WAIT!

    This movie puts the ICE in Justice

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