Fake Movie Friday: Dill Kill

This is going to be really weird. I brainstormed this one with Andrew and Ashley today at lunch, after Ashley gave the suggestion of “pickle.”

Dill Kill

We open on Phil, a pickle artisan. We see him shoving something into a brine. His son is watching him in the corner. We see a porcupine in a cage also watching Phil.

“Come here, pickles.”

Both his son and the porcupine look, but Phil is only interested in the porcupine. We see Phil trying to shove the porcupine into a pickling jar. The son watches. 

The town that Phil lives in is a very happy community. There are kids on swings, playful puppies, a paperboy, friendly neighbors lending stuff to one another, cops on horses with people petting the horses and laughing. There are numerous stores but we are only interested in Phil’s Pickles, where he sells all of his pickled everything, from vegetables and fruits to meats. Everyone says Phil’s everything are the best. He wins multiple contests, was named Pickler of the Year by Pickle Press magazine, was crowned Sultan of Pickles by the Peck of Pickled Peppers Post and The Pickler King by Pickle Me This, the worlds number one source for all news pickles. He’s gearing up for this years Picklympics and has a bunch of new recipes to display. Trophies line the back wall in Phil’s, and he won consecutively for years, but then last year the new pickler, Peter “the Pickle Pirate” Plachankov took the title away from him. Phil has flash backs like a vietnam vet. People come in and ask if he’s ok, and Phil puts on a good face and tells them he is, then goes about his business.

There is a lot of stuff going on at the Picklympics, tons of media coverage from everywhere and they all want to talk to Peter. Phil becomes angry but is ready with his new creation, his son sitting behind him. The judging happens and Phil loses again. He is devastated. Peter is obnoxious about his win, gloating it in front of Phil. Phil heads to a bar that night, which Peter also attends. They have a chat, Peter is obnoxious again, Phil decides to leave but doesn’t go home he just wander the streets. He sees Peter again, drunk and stumbling, Phil tries to help him and he’s walking him back, Peter becomes agitated and screaming aloud, pushes Phil off of him. When Phil pushes him back Peter falls in a long drawn out fashion, hitting everything and eventually dying. Phil panics, picks up Peter and proceeds to pack him in his pick up, the Pickle Express.

Phil, drinks, he has scenes in his mind of the cops finding him and not believing his story and him going to jail forever. So he chops up the body, his son looking from the top of the stairs, watching Phil do this. Phil does the only thing he knows how, pickle. He grinds up the body into sausage-esque links and pickles it all. Then feeds the bones to the pigs he has.

There are news reports and a whole murder investigation that should probably get a side story. That being said, Phil has been questioned, his house searched and no one  has come up with anything. Phil accidentally brings one of the Peter Pickles to the store and just as the customer is about to take a bite realizes what it is. He is unable to stop it in time and the customer loves it. He sells the rest of the pickled Peter and it’s a huge hit. People are coming from miles around and Phil is doing the best business ever. When he runs out Phil starts killing vagrants and bums. Those never seem to sell as well though, the people don’t like them and he starts to lose business.

More murder investigations are taking place and the police are baffled.

Phil, while in a semi drink but semi lucid phase, finds himself in a fight with a local and winds up killing him. He pickles the body and it sells like crazy again. He decides to try again, and when he does it’s a cop in disguise. There is a struggle, Phil tries to fight but cannot. He pulls out a knife and is shot by the officer. As the officer calls in what happened, Phil’s son drags the body away. The police search but cannot find it. We see the son, in Phil’s pickling room, cutting up Phil, turning him into sausage and picking him.

If you look close in every scene, Phil’s son is always in the background.


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One thought on “Fake Movie Friday: Dill Kill

  1. peter says:

    I love it but I never want to read the word pickle again.

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