Fake Movie Friday: Total Fluff

I didn’t know what to write, so I asked resident artist Colm “www.colmics.com” Ryan for a suggestion. He eventually gave me this title. This is easily my worst yet, because I lost all will to write it about 1 paragraph in. There was going to be a whole subplot about an evil scientist trying to merge the cartoon world and real world, then I realized I did the whole cartoon/real world thing two weeks ago. Oh well, enjoy:

Total Fluff

We open on a glamours party, only everyone attending is a living breathing stuffed animal. People are dancing, chandlers, etc. In walks Fluff, world class super spy who also happens to be a teddy bear, talking on his ear piece to his partner, Pups who is a Pound Puppy, who is in the getaway van outside. Fluff goes through the party, pretending like he knows people, dancing with a woman, it’s shot for shot the opening scene from True Lies but with stuffed animals, right down the to explosion and snowmobile getaway. It should also be noted that Fluff is straight up killing these other stuffed animals, stuffing is flying everywhere.

Fluff is in a meeting with his boss, Kid, who looks like a Cabbage Patch Kid with an eye patch. He tells fluff he has a new dangerous assignment for him. They have to infiltrate the lair of villan Figment, the magic dragon (but not the disney one you’re thinking of, though he looks oddly similar).

There’s a whole bit about how Fluff and Fig used to be partners until Figment was cast out. Ever since then they’ve been pinning robberies and other such things on Figment, but no one has caught him or seen him since.

Kid sets up the super team for Fluff, theres Pup of course the wheel man, Denny a purple giraffe who is a computer whiz, Markov the drunken moose that can become any one he needs to, Crispy the pink unicorn who can break any lock, and Sally the serpent who no one ever seems to notice but is always around.

They enter the giant compound, Pup on the outside waiting for the signal. The other 5 move closer in and eventually break into the mansion. They decide to split up once in. One by one the entire team, except for Fluff is murdered. (Mission Impossible now) Pups ride explodes, Markov is stabbed with a broken vodka bottle, Denny is strangled, Crispy is stabbed with a key, Sally is skinned alive. Only Fluff remains. He decides to head deeper into the mansion. He finally comes upon a room filled to the ceiling with gold, silver, diamonds etc with a dragon sitting in the middle, there’s even a stuffed Dirk the Daring in the treasure pit. As Fluff approaches Fig he knows something is wrong.

The Figment that is there is merely a toy and Kid pops up with gun in hand. There’s a whole big speech about Kid telling Fluff that Figment never did anything wrong and they killed him because he found all this gold they wanted for themselves. Fluff asks why they were sent here and Kid says it was a test, to see who the best of the best was, and that it’s him (Kid that is) because he holds the gun. Fluff says something about a golden shower and tosses a bunch of gold at him, theres a big fight and struggle and as Kid is about to kill Fluff, Pup shows up and tears Kid apart. Pup then lays down one last time and dies, with a smile on his face, knowing that Fluff is alright.

We see Fluff 6 months later on an island he owns. Many beautiful stuffed animals are around him, feeding him, etc. There is a phone call, all they say is: “Is this line secure.” Fluff responds: “I don’t do that anymore.” The voice on the phone says, “It’s Figment, you’ve gotta get me outta here.”


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One thought on “Fake Movie Friday: Total Fluff

  1. peter says:

    I LOVE THIS! you shut up with your negativity!

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