Holy crap they brought it back! I had to join the fun. After the show last night Alex, Cargile and I were talking about an idea for a movie, and I had to write it up as my first returning Fake Movie Friday. Here goes:
Always a Groomsman
Chet (Miles Teller) sits by himself at a bar. He looks miserable. The bar is packed, but he nods to the bar tender who immediately comes over, pours him a shot of top shelf whiskey which Chet makes disappear. The bartender puts out 10 shot glasses but fills them with bottom shelf whiskey this time. Chet gives the bartender another knowing look, and turns around. He looks like a different person, happy as hell and yells, “who wants to get fucked up!” to which the bachalear party he was with the whole time scream like idiots.
Chet wakes up in his shitty apartment and brushes off glitter from his face. He goes into his bathroom and tries to wash off the many stamps from his hands.
He wonders into his work at 2:30 pm. It’s a startup called bachparty.me. Imagine the douchiest startup and mutliply it by 5. Chet grabs a Starbucks Frappuccino from the fridge and starts to play pinball, the CEO (Pete Davidson) drive up on his Segway.
“What’s up my n-word. Apparently it’s still offensive with an ‘a’ at the end. HR… what a bunch of pussies! Anyways here is the file for tonight. I know I can rely on my best employee!”
He drives away staring at a female employee’s ass the entire way.
Chet meets with the best man Nikhil (Aziz Ansari). Nikhil says “Ok, so Will is a crazy person. It’s frankly insane he is getting married. His girlfriend is super hot and everything… but she’s…. you know…. sane? I don’t get it. She is a lawyer for God’s sake. But yeah, she wants to do a joint thing, at least for a bit. Gross right”. Nikhil continues talking a mile a minute as Chet studies the file. He stops Nikhil mid sentence and says “I got you”
We cut to a club with the combined bachelor and bachelorette party. Will is a complete madman but in a endearing way. Chet is putting on a great show but Will is taking all the attention. Chet backs off and retreats to a corner.
“That guy is crazy” says an out of place looking woman (Anna Kendrick). “I can’t believe he is marrying my best friend.” Chet turns to reply but before he can say anything she screams “Chet is that you!?”
Turns out this woman (Mary) was Chet’s best friend in high school. They grew apart when Chet started to date the head cheerleader (Emily Blunt). She was terrible but they stayed together for years until she eventually left him at the alter. They have witty banter and crack inside jokes to each other until Mary confesses that she had the biggest crush on Chet all of high school. Before he can say anything Will comes in and says “It’s time to really get this party started!”
The party splits up with the boys going on crazier and crazier adventures. They steal a penguin from the zoo and teach it to smoke cigarettes. They get arrested but Chet blackmails their way out because he knows the chief of police from the brothel he likes to take clients to. They get matching belly button rings from celebrity cameo Jackie Chan.
The bachelor party is looking pretty rough at this point and people drop out one by one. It’s just Chet and Will as the sun begins to rise. Will is still a ball or energy and is ready for more partying. Chet breaks down. He starts going on about how partying is fun for a while but it ends up being hollow and that real happiness comes from real human connection. He tells Will to go to girlfriend and have real joy. Will lets out a single tear and hails a cab.
We cut to Chet and Will wearing tuxedos. Chet says “Don’t be nervous, this is what you always wanted but couldn’t get yourself to accept. You kept lying to yourself. This is real, this is life. Let’s do this.” Will rolls his eyes. “Dude… it’s kinda weird you talking to yourself like that. I guess I can’t judge, I was super nervous before I got married too.”
“Jesus Christ! What are you too dingdongs going to marry each other! That would be fucking gro…… I mean. Totally normal. And well within your rights as American citizens. In fact I would support your love in whatever for it took. Just don’t sue. I have checked my privilege. I’m a new man now. Just please don’t sue…. At least I was able to keep my Segway.” Chet’s former boss rides into the chapel throwing flowers. We see Mary at the alter and she locks eyes with Chet. Who smiles.