Fake Movie Friday – Roughrunna

It’s been a while since Guy Ritchie made a straight up dark comedy with his style of action, so I’m going to make one.

Roughrunna stars Jason Statham as Liverpool Football Club star Lynn “Roughrunna” Bailey.  He’s one of the stars of the English Premiere League.  He’s the badboy.  There are a lot of early quick cuts of him kicking balls into goals, cheering, drinking, snorting coke in bathrooms and having sex with prostitutes.  Lynn appears to have it all.  He even makes money on his own matches by placing bets with local bookie Wallace “Pounds” Craven.  They call him “Pounds” because if you lose a bet and don’t pay him, he’ll get his pound of flesh (cut your bollocks off).  Pounds is played by Tom Wilkinson, and his muscle Opie is played by Vinnie Jones.  Anyway, we get the hint through a lot of incomprehensible cockney accents that Lynn is having money trouble.  His girlfriend Mary, played by Ruth Wilson, wants him to stop gambling and instead use whatever little money he has left to open up a Fish and Chips Shop.  We see that Lynn’s other talent outside of soccer is cooking.  He idolizes Gordon Ramsay, who later on has a cameo in the film.  Anyway, Mary tells him that if he doesn’t quit betting she’ll leave him.

Anyway the League Cup is coming up against rival team Manchester United, headed by the two-headed monster of Salley and Ames (Idris Elba and David Tennant).  They are undefeated on the season and have a blinding hatred of Lynn for his brutal and aggressive style of play.  They play more of a finesse game.  So the night before the game, Lynn decided to bet big on his match against M.U. and bets putting his home up as collateral for the money he doesn’t have.  If he wins, he’ll be back on, if he loses, he’ll lose it all.  As the game goes on, there are lots of quick cuts and stuff happening in a soccer game I wouldn’t otherwise care about.  At one point during the game Ames takes a dive on a tackle from Lynn, and because of his reputation as a dirty player, Lynn is redcarded.  He can only watch the game from the sidelines now and at that point Salley and Ames crush the remaining Liverpool players and win 4-Nil.

Lynn seeing the way the game is going to go, leaves the arena before the game is over, goes home to pack a bag with stacks of cash and goes into hiding.  Opie leads a brigade of typical-looking english thugs to Lynn’s house to get him, but he’s already gone.  Lynn holes up with his cousin, a petty street criminal named Limpy (they call him Limpy cause in a flashback he’s the only person to  escape getting his bollocks cut off by Opie and Pounds, but got beat up pretty bad and walks with a limp).  Limpy is played by Robert Carlyle.  Lynn and Limpy go into hiding and decide the best thing for Lynn to do is leave England and flee for Wales.  While they are discussing Lynn’s exit strategy, Opie closes in on their hideout.  They end up having to flee.

A really cool car chase with lots of guns and quick cuts happen, and eventually they evade Opie, while plenty of “red shirt” badguys get killed in the process.  The only place in England left for them hid however is begrudgingly with Salley.  Lynn and Salley used to be mates growing up in local club soccer teams, but Lynn was always looking for a way to make a quick buck and never focused on playing the game right, so they went their separate ways.  But Salley agrees to help them.  He sets them up in one of his spare flats, and when Opie comes around asking, gives him misinformation.  However, Opie notices Limpy’s cane in the distance and barges in.  Opie and Salley get into a brutal fight, but Salley gets gun-butted and passes out.  Opie chases them through the house and shoots Limpy and the back of the head killing him.   The cops are on their way at this point, so Opie leaves.

Salley eventually comes to and tells the cops everything, but fails to mention he was harboring Lynn.  Lynn sees that his cousin was killed and decides to stop trying to escape.  He has a long incomprehensible speech with Salley about how it’s time to stop running away and remember the guy he used to be.  The Roughrunna, never afraid of anything or anyone.  Always willing to play hard and go down in a fight with his mates.  Salley says if they are going to do this, they’ll need help.  Ames comes over and they decide that they are going to take to Pounds.  He’s corrupted their sport for too long.  They get a bunch of guns and decide to split up and conquer.  Ames will draw a diversion to take out Pounds’ guards and henchmen, Salley will get his revenge on Opie, and Lynn goes straight for Pounds.  As they are divising this plan, we see cuts that show that they are already doing it.

Their plan works and Lynn and Pounds are left alone in a room.  Lynn tells him that he wont kill him, if he agrees to forgive his debt and stop brokering football deals.  Pounds has a long diatribe about how everyone and everything can be bought, including Lynn, and that as long as their is breath in his body he’s gonna buy it all.  He pulls out a concealed weapon quickly and fires at Lynn.  A gunfight starts and eventually Lynn loses his gun.  But in a silly movie, he runs to his gun, and like a penalty kick, kicks his gun straight at Pounds head.  The barrel of the gun goes straight into his head killing him.  Salley and Ames come in just in time to see this, and Lynn says, “I’m retired”

The next few shots show everything being tied up nicely.  Salley and Ames are a two man wrecking crew in the Premier League, Opie is in jail for killing Limpy, Mary gets back together with Lynn who just opened up his own Fish and Chips foodtruck named Limpy and Roughrunna’s, and all is right with the world.

As the credits roll, we see that Lynn has tried out for Hell’s Kitchen and is getting yelled at hilariously by Gordon Ramsay.  He looks into the camera, before the fade to black credits.

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3 thoughts on “Fake Movie Friday – Roughrunna

  1. johnnytigs says:

    I would have watched a tv series called Limpy and Lynn about anything. Doesn’t even matter. Also food trucks are the shit now a days. This is a perfect Guy Ritchie movie from the heyday of Guy Ritchie movies. Hopefully he reads this and has a realization that he has wasted the last few years of his life. I can only hope… Excellent job, as always, Russ!

  2. peter says:

    I love every character name.

  3. Dunn says:

    We live in a world where not enough movies have the balls to kill people with guns in new ways, thanks for doing your part Russ.

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