Jun 30 2017
Fake Movie Friday

Fake Movie Friday Vol 2: The Klondike Mission

I think I might start prewriting these over the summer. I certainly have the time during the week and get oddly stressed fitting it into my Friday. So here I am on a Thursday. Got 12 titles from Tigs. May his reign never end.

The Klondike Mission

A young man stumbles through the snow. He clutches something close to his chest. He shakes mining tools off his waist trying to cut weight to run faster. We are in the mountains and it is clearly turn of the 20th century. We hear a growling behind him as he closes his eyes clutching closer to what we see is a huge chunk of gold. Title card.

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Jun 23 2017
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Fake Movie Friday vol 2: Deep Blue

Waiting to go dancing again tonight, but was able to finish this up first.

Deep Blue

It’s a 1997 news report. 90s style graphics show the title “man vs machine.” The anchor talks about how its game six in a chess match between the best human chess player in the world and a computer.

The credit sequence shows computer code and archival footage of chess matches.
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Jun 23 2017
Fake Movie Friday

Fake Movie Friday Vol 2: Squid Sisters

This is the sixth FMF from the list of titles that Tigs sent me at the beginning of May. I’m going to need a new list soon. Though (spoiler) one of the titles I haven’t used yet will become the first in a trilogy. Writing this in the Bronx at An Beal!

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Jun 16 2017
Fake Movie Friday

Fake Movie Friday Vol 2: Too Many Bats

Title comes from the Pig Pile audience! Remember the 1999 Lou Diamond Phillips film ‘Bats’? The title was upside down on the poster like how bats sleep! GET IT? Just like in that movie, the bats here are a metaphor.

Too Many Bats

A phone rings. Dale, a scraggily bearded man, stirs slowly in his bed. A great deal of light comes in and it’s clearly late. He answers the phone to find his ex wife Gail on the line. She chastises him for still being asleep this late. He is not communicative. She tells him that she thinks a box of hers is in the garage if he could put it out in the driveway she’ll find sometime to pick it up. He heads to the garage looking like shit and notices in the corner of the ceiling, a single bat.

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Jun 09 2017
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Fake Movie Friday Vol2: Black Monday

Just under the wire. I watched the new Alien movie right after work so I got to it late.

Black Monday

It’s 1987. A man stands by an open window. The Manhattan skyline can be seen from this 50th floor office. The man (Timothy) is wearing a Wall Street suit.

We flash back in time. Timothy is sitting behind a computer and his supervisor is standing over his shoulder. “Jesus Christ, that number isn’t real is it,” she says. Timothy is stone face. “… I … I think it is.” “Jesus Christ. We have to stop this.” “It’s all automated… I…” “Fucking unplug it.” “There’s a supercomputer down the hall….” “Shut it all down. Shut down the power to this floor.”
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Jun 09 2017
Fake Movie Friday

Fake Movie Friday Vol 2: Double Shot

Who knows how long I’ll be hitting that old list of 20+ titles Tigs gave me. Here’s another one.

Double Shot

We open on a warehouse by the dock. A deal is going down with some guns being sold to so foreign gangsters. Something moves in the shadows. A man with a smaller build in black tactical gear stars taking people out quietly. The bad guys start to catch on but are then quickly taken out. We hear a voice in the earpiece of our mystery man that says, “Get to the van, clean up crew here in 5.” The van door opens and someone says “Thank you for your service Agent Johnson.” The mystery man passes out.

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Jun 02 2017
Fake Movie Friday

Fake Movie Friday Vol 2: Minor Murder

Still farming the very fertile land that was the long list of titles Tigs gave me last month.

Minor Murder

We begin at a crime scene. A man lies dead on the ground, shot several times in the chest. Two young cops are putting up tape and talking about what an asshole Tyler Elroy, the deceased, was. The camera pulls back to an EMT truck nearby where the EMTs are saying how glad they are that they didn’t get here in time because they aren’t sure if they’d try to save him or not. We back up further to some on lookers as the news spreads about who it is and they all seem happy. Detective Jane Heron cuts through the crowd and approaches the body, she sighs deeply and mutters “this fucking guy.”

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May 27 2017
Fake Movie Friday

Fake Movie Friday Vol 2: Midwest Kaiju

I technically got this in on Friday as I’m on west coast time.

Midwest Kaiju

We open on a tiny encampment in the middle of a field. There are a few trailers and industrial equipment but nothing else as far as the eye can see. There are a few men joking around. It’s a fracking site. After some technical talk, the men get to work. They start hitting levers to pump the water and chemicals deep beneath the earth. There is a loud pop. The men are frightened and start to check a readout on a laptop. There is a huge earthquake. The men flee as the earth behind them starts to sink then explode upwards.

Credits play over a montage of footage of anti-fracking protests, desolate landscapes and animal anatomy textbooks.

We are introduced to a young plucky zoologist named Zoe. She is leading a museum tour. There is a display of the evolutionary tree of mammals. The kids snicker at some of the strange looking moles and shrews. Zoe says they they shouldn’t laugh, their distance relatives looked similar to them. After the dinosaurs died out, it left room for mammals to take over the earth.
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May 26 2017
Fake Movie Friday

Fake Movie Friday Vol 2: The Fact Checker

Don’t tell anyone but I’m writing this on a Wednesday! Title from Tigs. Actually everything before now was written on a Wednesday. From here on out is now Thursday work.

The Fact Checker

Christine works for a major metropolitan newspaper. We see a montage of her on the phone calling to check up on all sorts of stories to confirm quotes and details. Every once in a while it is something a bit juicy and people are uncomfortable or angry. Paul, a low level reporter who she doesn’t like and annoys her a bit, stops by and flirts with her. She is saved by one of the most respected and well-known journalists at the paper named Susan.

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May 24 2017
Movie Movie Podcast

Movie Movie Podcast #70: The Year of Diesel

Join Russ, Alex, Peter and myself as we talk about Fate of the Furious, Get Out, Logan, Lego Batman, Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2, Beauty and the Beast, xXx: Return of Xander Cage, Free Fire, Power Rangers and more on this episode of the Movie Movie Podcast. Recorded on May 24th 2017.

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