Fake Movie Friday – Dead Baby Jokes

I’m already sorry about this one.  This is a really awful idea and I can’t shake it, so i’m just going to write it away.

Dead Baby Jokes

We open on a cop running into a circus.  He’s obviously in a rush, but when he gets backstage of the circus he’s too late.  He sees a dead baby dressed up like a clown.  He was too late to save the baby and the serial killer got away.  At this point the title card plays. 

We cut to 5 years later

Detective Hanson, the cop from earlier, has retired.  After chasing Baby Jokes all over Seattle for a summer, he’s seen enough of the horror, the mayhem, the dead babies.  He decides to become a private security consultant instead.  It’s easier hours and less stress.  One day while on the job he gets a call from his old captain, telling him that Baby Jokes has struck again, and this time he asked from Hanson directly.  Hanson refuses, says he’s out of that life, but the captain asks him how many babies can he leave on his conscience? 5, 10, 50?  At this point there is a really tasteless flashback of other dead babies and Hanson decides to come back to the force.  Only this time he wants a partner.  The captain pairs Hanson up with Aaron McCordy, a younger, but seasoned detective.  McCordy looks up to Hanson as somewhat of a criminal profiling genius, so they get along well.  When they get to kennel, they see a dead baby.  It was obviously the joke “How do you know when a baby is a dead baby? the dog plays with it more”

Both Hanson and McCordy figure that one out really fast, but while on the scene, Baby Jokes leaves another half joke in one of the cages.  It reads “What do you call a dead baby with no arms or legs hanging on your wall?”  After giving it some thought they realize the answer is art.  In some Fincher style quick editing, we see Hanson and McCordy on the phone telling the station to get them a list of every gallery and museum in Seattle.  They get the list and gamble on what location to go to and because it’s a movie they get there just in time to see someone running away from the Seattle Museum of Art.  McCordy chases after him and Hanson frantically searches the museum to find a hopefully living baby.  He doesn’t the baby is dead and McCordy comes back having not been able to catch the potential killer.  Hanson takes out his flask and starts drinking again.  This is what made him unravel so many years ago.  As usual there is another clue from Baby Jokes.  This time he says it’s his last clue.  Hanson says it’s just like last time.  He does a few regular baby killings before a grand spectacle final killing.  The joke reads “what’s worse than a dead baby in a trashcan?”  Right here Hanson realizes Baby Jokes is going to stage a mass execution.  He just doesn’t know where he’ll get all the babies from.  McCordy suggests an orphanage or hospital, so they split up and go to both.  At the Orphanage, Hanson sees the staff very despondent. They tell that all the babies have been kidnapped.  Hanson says he’s going to save them, he just needs to realize what will be the “trashcan.”  Here we realize the answer is multipart.  100 dead babies is the answer, but what’s worse than that is that the one at the bottom is alive, and he has to eat his way to the top (metaphorically).  Hanson calls McCordy, but he doesn’t answer, he leaves a message saying that he thinks Baby Jokes is going to strike at the Seattle landfill.  And drives there really fast.

When he gets there, he sees McCordy is already there.  He asks how he got there so soon? He says he had the same hunch.  Anyway they go to this giant pit of babies, none of which have been killed yet.  There is a giant demolition ball hanging above the baby pit.  Hanson says that have to move the ball and save the kids,  they are ahead of Baby Jokes this time.  Only McCordy shoots Hanson right in the leg and says they aren’t.  Now it becomes clear that McCordy was baby jokes all along (theres flashbacks that help it make more sense).  McCordy goes into a long story about how he was given up for adoption, and had a tough life etc etc.  When he was a teen and old enough to meet his parents, they had a young baby at the time.  He confronted them and they said they were too young to make a mistake.  A MISTAKE! He apparently thought this was a good enough reason to kill babies all the time.  Hanson calls him sick and twisted and McCordy agrees, but now with Hanson out of the way, he can kill all the babies. Hanson despite being shot in the leg gets up and charges at McCordy.  They both fall and ground scuffle.  McCordy beats him up pretty bad and says he wants to keep him alive to witness his greatest failure.  He gets into the demolition ball cockpit thing and begins lowering to ball slowly.  The babies are crying like they know they’re gonna die but at the last minute Hanson tackles McCordy and the entire demo ball machine topples over.  Hanson starts gun butting McCordy until there isn’t even a head left to gun but.  He kills McCordy and calls the entire police force to get the babies out of the pit.  The captain comes to the scene and asks what happened.  Hanson just says, “I quit.”  It rains. 

Movie Over.

I’m so sorry everyone.

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