Fake Movie Friday Vol. 2: Bigger They Are

A new week and a new fake movie! Title comes from Peter, who is always on top of giving me suggestions because I always forget that we do this until he starts messaging me furiously.

Bigger They Are

It’s the year 21XX and the latest trend in entertainment is monster boxing. It’s kind of like BattleBots except because of science, or whatever, people are able to make giant Godzilla like creatures and have them battle each other in arenas for prizes and glory. The science has become so trivial to do at this point that most of the contestants are school kids who create their monsters through Frankenstein like tactics. Of course it’s against the law to not have a kill switch of sorts installed on these monsters as well, you know just incase. The losing monster always has the kill switch activated, where as the winner moves onto the next round.

James is a 13 year old nerd, no friends at school, and an avid watcher of the program. He’s built lots of his own monsters and fought them all but he always feels bad about having to destroy the monsters afterwards. But he’s been working towards his best and most favorite monster, which he is calling Big J. Big J is a horrific beast of immense proportions, dagger red eyes, claws that seem to stretch for a mile, rock hard skin, and normal monster feet. He starts out by training the beast, teaching it how to punch, kick, play possum, block, charge attack and the like, but eventually he starts to just enjoy hanging out with Big J. And Big J starts to enjoy hanging out with him too. James will stay up most of the night just talking to Big J, and Big J will listen and seem very interested but never speak cause, you know, monster.

The kids at school all make fun of James, all of the kids are totally desensitized to the monster fighting, and don’t care if their monsters live or die, and because of that their monsters don’t act or care if they live or die either. The kids at school pick on James, toss him in futuristic trash cans and the sort, James always tries to fight back but there are so many bullies that he never stands a chance.

When James comes home with a black eye and a broken nose one day Big J is infuriated (also there are no parents anywhere to be found in this world for some reason). He stomps around but James tells him it’s okay and that it doesn’t matter, that the kids are all jerks anyway. Big J stays up that night watching over James to make sure he sleeps okay and is safe the whole time.

The week or so later, however long it takes to get over a broken nose and black eye, James is back in the same situation he is always in. The kids are picking on him but this time Big J shows up. He tower overs not only the kids but all of the monsters the kids have created. He thrashes his tail (he has a tail, by the way) and knocks over the other monsters and saves James. James tells him he shouldn’t have done that because now they are going to want to fight, and James can’t risk losing Big J.

Again, another week or so passes and the main bully, who doesn’t have a name yet in this treatment but I guess I’ll call him Cliff, shows up to school with a monster bigger than Big J. Cliff challenges James to a monster fight, which James doesn’t want to to. Cliff then sicks his monster on him but Big J shows up just in time and saves James.   For some reason they are able to convince James to let Big J fight, maybe because Big J wants to or something like that.

So they train, Big J practices his moves, while Cliff and his monster, I dunno… Little C, also plot against them. Weapons of any kind are OF COURSE not allowed in a monster fight, the monsters should be able to fight on their own, but Little C has like some weird monster pouch or something that he’s keeping giant monster guns and blades in…even though he could have just made the blades part of Little C, but whatever. It’s about the surprise. And once the fight starts, there’s no stopping it even if something against the rules happens… cause I need to end the movie somehow.

The day of the fight happens, it’s all televised and stuff. Big J is taking a pounding but also knocking Little C around a good bit. After a while of grueling monster on monster action, it seems like Big J is gonna win this fight. Little C has a broken leg, can barely see and is struggling to hang on. James tells Cliff that he doesn’t want to kill his monster so he should just accept defeat and do it himself. Cliff makes it seem like he’s going to but instead screams out “Little C PLAN B!” And little C unloads his arsenal. Big J is taking a huge beating and can barely take it anymore and finally succumbs, and hits the floor so hard that the ground shakes. Cliff starts screaming at James to use the kill switch but James is reluctant to. Little C is cheering for himself and making a big show of how he just won, Cliff starts to come over to James shouting at him to throw the kill switch or he will, as James shouts out “NOW BIG J!”

Of course Big J was just playing possum, and does some super uppercut that looks like the dragon punch from Street Fighter, knocking Little C’s head clean off his shoulder. Cliff is crushed, and then he is banned from every making a monster or monster fighting every again because of breaking the rules. The announcers all run over to James asking him how he did it, James said it was all Big J. They ask him about his next match and James says that Big J is retired now. There is a trophy ceremony afterwards, and when they go to call on James and Big J, they are no where to be found. We see the two of them walking off into the sunset together and skipping the ceremony, like Ryu after you beat Street Fighter.


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One thought on “Fake Movie Friday Vol. 2: Bigger They Are

  1. Dunn says:

    That might be my favorite first line of any Fake Movie.

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