I asked for a suggestion of a movie title last night at the show to write for today. I couldn’t have asked for a better title, too bad the movie is going to be awful! It will be a hybrid animated / live action à la Cool World.
Midnight Globe Trouters
Holly, Jack and Frank (yeah those are the names of the main characters from Cool World) have all been best friends for years and at the end of this summer, just before they all move away for college or some bullshit, they decide to go on a week long fishing trip booked by Holly’s father, whom she hasn’t seen in years but sends her messages every so often. Holly’s been afraid of the water since she was a little girl and is facing her fears. They arrive at the boat and Captain Torture is there to meet them. “Har har, it’s only a name. Get ready for the trip of a life time,” he says upon first meeting the group.
The groups is getting board on the boat, they have been moseying along and haven’t stopped to fish yet. The Captain says he knows the best place to fish. When Jack is behind the wheel with him, he notices that the boat has 4 speeds: Slow, Steady, Fast, Adventure. They all make a big deal of this and that captain says something in a coy tone like, “Oh that? I don’t be knownin’ if you all could handle adventure.” They convince him, though it doesn’t take much and as soon as Captain Torture knocks the boat to adventure, the whole world turns plaid, colors run from everything, the kids cannot believe their eyes. “What do you think of the ship now, kids!?” The captain is shouting at three of them as they look around and realize the small boat they had been on has now been transformed into a gigantic boat. What is even more startling is that Captain Torture is now a walking, talking, air breathing trout. The kids are all still live action, everything else is a cartoon now.
The captain explains that he is from a race of fish people called the Trouters, who possess special abilities to disguise themselves in the “real” world, but in the REAL real world he is actually a fish-man. They live by the law of fish, which happens to be very close to the law of man, so it happens to work out for them. He tells the kids that the rest of the world does not see it as a cartoon as they do yet, and once the boat has been pushed into adventure there is no turning back. Eventually the Trouter world will blend in with the “real” world, slowly at first, but soon nothing will ever be the same. After the kids nag some the captain explains that the only way to get the world back to the way it was is to find the six trout tsar’s before midnight at the end of the week.
Five of the trouts are in each ocean, but no one knows where the 6th is. They start with the Pacific, and this flounder is under a volcano in Papua New Guinea. This is a big cg/3d scene where the kids are dodging magma, at one point Holly falls out but the captain is quick enough to save her. They reach the flounder’s lair, they explain to him the situation. He takes a quick look at the crew and jumps on board. He tells the captain that the next stop is the Indian ocean to the Strait of Malacca, where it is easy to keep out unwanted guests. On the way there they are spotted by some Pirate Piranha, Pike and Perch all working together in the name of alliteration. They have tons of weaponry, but are no match for the speed of the captains ship. They make it to the strait and the Pacific Trout let’s out his trouting call. The Indian Ocean’s Trout tsar rushes to find his brethren. The plot of the movie is summed up quickly to the tsar and they are off to the Atlantic Ocean! Here they have to go to the status of liberty, there are jokes about how unclean the water is. The Atlantic Ocean Tsar is a total hipster. Before they can retell him the plot of the movie so far, he tells them the whole plot and says something like, “I’m so over it, let’s go.”
There are random shots in around of the world of humans tripping over cartoon trash and cartoon cats, but not realizing that these things are cartoons.
With only 2 days left they head to the Arctic Ocean where the Tsar is at the north pole, EXACTLY. When they get there the pirates have set a trap, capture all of them and the Arctic Ocean’s trout Tsar. The pirates are going through all of their stuff, stealing and what not. Holly sees a sea shell and she barely makes it but is able to reach it and then cut the ropes that bind them, freeing all of them. They jump on the boat and escape, but barely. Finally they are off to the south pole with only 24 hours left to find the 5th tsar and the impossible to find, never seen before, other trout tsar. So they head to the Southern Ocean (ed: when the fuck did they rename the antarctic ocean??? I smell a running joke…) to look for the final Tsar under the largest glacier in the SO. There are tons of whales and sea horses, colorful fish, all with a backing soundtrack by Peter Gabriel, all very pretty and melodic, they have already won the best original song oscar.
They get there and there is no tsar to be found. The pirates show up again and have the group surrounded.
“What do you want from us?” Jack shouts at the pirates.
“It’s not you we want, it’s her.”
“What!? What do you want with me,” Holly exclaims.
Frank thinks he’s figured it out, “oh my god, Holly is the 5th
Antarctic Southern Ocean Tsar!”
“No ye moron, he is the 5th Tsar, Captain Trouter, er I mean, Captain Torture. His daughter is the 6th, hid where no pirate fish could find her, in the ‘real’ world!”
“Holly, I’m sorry, it’s all I could do to keep you away from this life.”
The pirates start to walk towards Holly as she slowly turns into a trout, the captain jumps infront of them but is stabbed through the gills and tossed into the
Antartctic Southern ocean.
Holly dives into the water after him, Jack and Frank rush the pirates and are able to get weapons from them. They all have a big battle. Holly rescues her dad, and brings him back but it is already past midnight. Jack, Frank and the tsars are able to fight off the pirates, and they have sushi, even though it’s real fucking weird to see fish eating sushi.
The world slowly changes color again, in a constant kaleidoscoping effect.
“I’m sorry the world will never be the same. I’m sorry you will never be the same, Holly. This isn’t what I wanted for you.”
“Maybe it’s better this way dad, maybe the world is ready for our kind to mix with there’s. Maybe, just maybe, we’ll all learn to live together in peace.”
They all have a good laugh.
We cut to 6 months later, we see cartoon characters working stock market jobs, picketing with the Occupy people, etc etc. Hidden in the background of each of these scenes we see Christopher Lloyd dressed as Judge Doom. Holly and the captain rule the sea, Jack and Frank are seen riding cartoon whales across rainbows and landing on marshmallow clouds. Peter Gabriels Sledge Hammer plays, the video is projected under the water for all the sea to watch as the credits roll over it