It’s almost 10, I’m just leaving work, sitting on the train, writing FMF #52. I got a few title suggestions today, but the one I have to go with is (one of) Colm’s (sorry Lisa), who also helped me flush out some of the story. I give you:
Werner Herzog and the Time He Saved the Universe
We open on the BBC interview Werner Herzog gave in 2006, during which he was shot, but continued the interview as if nothing happened. He jokes about it in the interview, and regards the whole thing as insignificant. He lifts up his shirt to show the bullet hole and the camera goes straight into the hole, eventually stopping at the bullet, which is actually a shrunken alien drone ship. The ship starts to open up and takes hold of Herzog’s nervous system. At this point Herzog is home and a blank, drooling stare washes across his face. The drone takes control of Herzog’s mind and starts to talk to him, sounding strangely like the female voice that speaks the directions in most GPS’.
The drone starts telling Herzog what to do, what movies to make, what to say in interviews. People start to question whether he is losing his mind or if he is sick or something. He has brief moments of lucidity, but the never last long enough for him to figure out what’s going on. However he does start taking notes, and starts a camera rolling every time he has one of these moments.
Eventually, when watching the film reel and studying his behavior he comes to the conclusion that it all must be linked to the bullet that is still in his system. The next time he comes to he grabs a knife, and performs self surgery, eventually removing the bullet which now resembles some glowing orb with probes coming out of it in a multitude of directions. As he is staring at it, it starts to flash and glow brighter, and doesn’t let up like it’s broken. He sets the camera up to watch it and after many days of filming and researching, he comes to the conclusion that they haven’t realized he has taken the device out of himself. He paces nervously wondering what will happen if they ever do find out, but eventually is able to calm himself and get some rest.
One night, while asleep, his home starts to rumble. Herzog wakes up and jumps out of bed, and goes underneath a door frame believing this to be an earthquake. A bright light showers the house and the roof is ripped off, revealing a giant alien ship hovering above. He is abducted and taken into the ship. Before, they bring him all the way inside of the ship they outfit him with a suit, that looks similar to the drone, so that he can survive in the ship. As he arrives on the ship there are many military looking aliens with weapons as well as scientists and political officials. They are all addressing him familiarly which leads him to believe they still don’t know he removed the mind control drone. He plays along with them and eventually uncovers the plot to take over earth. Still playing dumb, they are taking Herzog around the ship, where they eventually show a shooting/training range for the alien army, as well as a number of suits that they are going to be using to travel to earth.
Herzog finds out that the aliens have lost their planet to pollution and are looking for a new place to settle, they have a giant ship which houses all of the remaining population. Feeling bad for them at first, he then discovers the tyrannical and hyper ideological nature of the species, and realizes that they can never come to any sort of diplomatic understanding. They want him to be the first human as part of their race and to begin the war on man kind. Still believing him to be under mind control they give Herzog a gun and take him to the range, where he practices for a bit before turning and opening fire on the aliens.
The rest of the movie resembles Lockout, but with Werner Herzog instead of Guy Pierce and he doesn’t have to save the presidents daughter. He’s running through corridors, blasting every alien he comes across and shouting lines from his movies such as:
“I’ll kill all of you. To the break of dawn. To the break of dawn, baby”
“I believe I need a steak”
“Well I hate to say this, but you aliens all suck” (that’s a modified line)
“Only dead people are heroes”
“Now there is something to extinguish again”
“There are things more horrible than death”
He hides in a ventilation system as the aliens look for him and he discovers what appears to be the source of power for the ship. At which point he is captured. When taking him to a jail cell Herzog says, “The bears couldn’t get me, what makes you think you can?” At which point he takes control over the aliens gun and shoots the jailers. He picks up a pulse grenade and moves to the core. He goes to the source of power and as he looks at it he says, “When we behave nobody cares. But when we are bad, nobody forgets.” He reaches in and pull out a blue glowing orb that starts to accelerate, then burn his hands despite the suit, and then shatter and explode. The ship is completely destroyed and the final shot of the movie is a unconscience Werner Herzog floating through space in the suit with a smile on his face.
COLM’S POST CREDITS SCENE!
Werner Herzog is on the set of Jack Reacher, telling the true story to to Tom Cruise. We fade in from black to Herzog saying, “And that’s why I no longer have any fingers.”
Cruise then responds, “Ha, yeah right. Not even I would believe that.”
Herzog looks at the camera and shrugs.