A kids movie. AKA not weird. Well kind of weird.
No One Believes You
The year is 3027 and no one believes in Santa anymore. The world is beyond jaded, everyone is a cog in a machine: they go to work in a line, do their job and go home. Most of the world is now drenched in drab colors and people are rarely interacting with people because basically everything is a crime.
Ugh. 2 weeks in a row that I am posting the movie early Saturday morning. I think we can all agree to count this as late Friday night instead. Title from an audience member at Pig Pile!
The Great Diaper Rash
We open on Taylor. She’s working the kitchen of a fancy restaurant and is propositioned by a coworker to get in on a side catering job. She turns it down saying she needs to be there for her son. Not looking she burns her arm on the fryer.
I finished this one up waiting for my friends Berto and Jaime’s fight. I got inspired by The Shallows.
Jump the Shark
We open with a pov shot from the perspective of a scuba diver. The swimmer sinks to lower and lower depths passing various sea life. The credits play as the music gets more ominous. Out of nowhere a shark attacks. The title card is shown.
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After taking last week off for Colm’s wedding festivities (congratulations Lisa and Colm!) I’m back in it, full force, for the time being! Pete and I got title suggestions at our show last night, which leads us into my FMF this week:
This House Needs Paint
This movie is shot entirely on a go-pro or some other handheld type camera is a found footage type of thing. Doug and Jen are newly married and have been looking for a house. The real estate agent, Kim, takes them around to tons of houses for days on end. After many failed attempts, mostly because of budget restraints and other bidders coming in at the last minute it seems like Doug and Jen are out of luck until they are driving with Kim and she says “Well there is one other house that’s in you price range…” Continue reading
Ok, so I am clearly not back in the groove of what Friday means. Russ SMUGLY told me at 1230am driving me home that he wrote a FMF. I freaked out. Opened gchat from last week and got an old title from Tigs. Sorry for a technically Saturday film.
Alpha Source
Working in a high school means a LOT of my movies will take place in one now…
#DeadAF
This is a teen slasher much like the slashers of the Scream and I Know What You Did Last Summer vein.
We open on a packed high school football game. Wellington High is losing to rival Regency South by a score of 20-14. There are 10 seconds left in the game, when star Quarterback Jeff Worthy, decides to audible the play and instead of passing the ball to a wide open Leon, the best receiver, he scrambles on a broken play and runs the ball upfield before being tackled at the 1 yard line. Wellington loses. The crowd boos heavily. After the game, Jeff’s teammates are giving him shit for losing the game for them and he says, at least he tried…Shortly thereafter, Jeff is in the shower still after the game and hears his phone go off. He gets out of the shower to check the message, and it’s from twitter. The name is @redacted and the message is, “Tonight, you’re gonna be #DeadAF” He laughs it off and starts changing. He hears a tap on one of the lockers, when he goes to investigate, he hears it at a locker on the other side of the locker room. This goes on once or twice, and Jeff says “haha very funny, cut it out.” Right at that point, our killer, wearing all black and a Heath Ledgers, Joker Mask jumps out and stabs Jeff in the face repeatedly. He then takes a picture of Jeff’s mangled face and posts it to Jeff’s instagram. The caption is “I’m #DeadAF”
TITLE CARD.
I just watched Sausage Party on my birthday and I got to thinking about what other objects were left to be anthropomorphized in film. I came up with this:
One Leg at a Time
We open in a bedroom. It’s dark. We hear disembodied voices. There is a conversation about who he is going to be picked on today. There is a strong voice “Red, I bet you anything it’s Red Shirt today.” A softer voice answers “Oh pipe down Gene, just because you get picked almost every day, that doesn’t mean you know everything” Gene (Randall Park) begins to answer when an alarm goes off. A figure gets out of bed and puts on fuzzy slippers. We only ever see him from the neck down. He gets ready and puts on a pair of well worn jeans and a red tee shirt.
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If this doesn’t make sense, I wrote it in and out of sleep last night.
We open a nerdyish boy and girl (both 15) on a class field trip heading the Queens Museum of Science. As they sit on the bus, other high school students are making fun of them calling them typical high school insults. The Earth Science teacher, Mr. Warren, played doofishly by David Arquette tells the other kids to leave Ben and Milla alone. Ben and Milla are our nerds and we can assume they are played by any combination of the Stranger Things kids, I don’t really care.
Anyway, the class gets to the Museum and Mr. Warren tells them they have 2 hours to explore the museum, but not leave or get lost. The rest of the kids seem mostly disinterested in the museum as a whole, but Ben and Milla really love it. They spend their day exploring all of the different areas of the museum until they come across one part of the museum that explicitly states “no trespassing” Milla, who always seems to goad Ben tells them they should sneak a peek inside. Ben, the more reserved one, says they shouldn’t but Milla wears him down. When they peak in, they see what looks to be a space ship in an below-ground hangar. They cautiously approach the door of the spaceship, which is glowing bright red, and as soon as Ben puts his hand on the door, it flies open and a giant creature flies out. For dramatic effect, the lights in the room flicker off and on, and Ben and Milla look ahead as a Tyrannosaurus Rex stares right back at them and says, “Thank you” Ben and Milla both go “WHAT?!?!?” and they pass out simultaneously. SMASH CUT to the title card REX and the CITY
Ladies and Gentlemen, I can finally say this after 2 long years of not writing these, and 2 long weeks of writing them:
This week’s title was suggested by Tigs.
It just feels right. This movie is based on the pattern of if we have enough young people movies an old person version will come next (Space Cowboys, Last Vegas, Dirty Grandpa).
Yesterday’s Heroes
We open in a bar. A bunch of flashy youths are doing shots and all sorts of shenanigans. There’s a hotly contested arm wrestling match, really good dart games, and crazy pinball scores with people hardly even looking. Everything seems too good. A women yells, louder than normal, and everyone turns to the TV. A news story recounts an attack in some city and the bar clears out real fast. The news story changes as now a seemingly similar group of young heroes fight the threat. We pan around to the old bartender Dale, played by Robert Redford (78), looking gruff and annoyed. He sighs and starts to clean. Continue reading
Three in a row, let’s see if I can keep this up. Here is my take on a movie like ‘Garden State’ from a different perspective. Enjoy.
Manic Pixi’d
Ron is driving down the highway. It’s the middle of the night and no one else is on the road. There is a bridge coming up and Ron drives right off it. The car hits the water and sinks. As the car fills with water Ron gets a satisfied look in his eyes.
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