Author Archives: johnnytigs

Fake Movie Friday: Werner Herzog and the Time He Saved the Universe

It’s almost 10, I’m just leaving work, sitting on the train, writing FMF #52. I got a few title suggestions today, but the one I have to go with is (one of) Colm’s (sorry Lisa), who also helped me flush out some of the story. I give you:

Werner Herzog and the Time He Saved the Universe

We open on the BBC interview Werner Herzog gave in 2006, during which he was shot, but continued the interview as if nothing happened. He jokes about it in the interview, and regards the whole thing as insignificant. He lifts up his shirt to show the bullet hole and the camera goes straight into the hole, eventually stopping at the bullet, which is actually a shrunken alien drone ship. The ship starts to open up and takes hold of Herzog’s nervous system. At this point Herzog is home and a blank, drooling stare washes across his face. The drone takes control of Herzog’s mind and starts to talk to him, sounding strangely like the female voice that speaks the directions in most GPS’.

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Fake Movie Friday: Kentucky Time Wedding

I’m going to be honest here, I can’t exactly remember the name of the fake movie title I received as a suggestion at the show last night. I think this is it, but I’m not totally sure. I’m pretty sure Kentucky was in the title. And Wedding. Thanks to improv troupe Florence for the suggestion and sorry that I got drunk and forgot it. This a 52nd consecutive FMF for both Pete and myself… 1 year strong … Congrats Pete. Here’s to 52 weeks of terrible ideas, worse movies, great titles and no proof reading!

Kentucky Time Wedding

1980’s. Jacob owns a watch shop in Horse Cave, Kentucky. It’s been in his family for generations, owned by his father before him, his fathers father before that and his fathers fathers father before that. Kentucky Time is the name of the shop. Jacob had to take over working at the shop after his father passed and supports his mother. He spends almost all of his time at the shop and hasn’t had a girlfriend in years, since his fiance, Emily, died in a horrible auto accident that also took his fathers life.

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Fake Movie Friday: Empty Glasses

I totally forgot to write one earlier today. I had no luck coming up with a title on my own so I asked Lisa who might have been drinking at the time and gave me:

Empty Glasses

Ben and Eric are two hot shot brokers who have lasted through the bubble bursting by rejecting everyone else, living for themselves and leaving behind a trail of bodies… figuratively speaking. They both drive expensive cars and are out all night partying still, somehow, and making it into work closing deals and what not. There are scenes of them out late all night always with different women, at clubs, bars, shindigs, parties with lots of celebrities at them, yachts, etc.

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Movie Movie Podcast #37: Evil Joe: Retaliation


We’re back with a brand new podcast for you! I know it’s been a while and we should have called, or texted, left a note, something. We’re sorry and we’ve come with an olive branch of sorts, a new podcast! Join Peter, Alex, Russ and myself as we rip each other apart over Evil Dead and take down Cobra with G.I. Joe: Retaliation. Recorded on April 10th 2013.

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Fake Movie Friday: Overstayers

Ah, a nice, tall glass of Fake Movie Friday to end the week the right way. We’ve all been waiting for this day, gleefully and patiently as we ought to. There’s no need to rush things, we’ll be here for a while. This weeks title, another one of Colm gems, is more or less going to be Wedding Crashers. Except I don’t remember most of that movie. Rachel McAdams, right? Did anything else happen? Didn’t think so. Anyway, without further Apu:

 

Overstayers

 

Ken, a thirty something, has been spending some time with his relatives in the East Hampton’s. He’s seen playing with the kids, swimming in their big pool, going to beaches, ordering stuff all on their tab. It’s been a crazy reunion weekend from a cousin that the family didn’t even know they had.

 

There is a big farewell, the family is very sad to see Ken go, but he has to as he has to get back to work in LA where he works on movies. The kids are all crying asking him to stay but Ken says he’ll come back and see them soon. Ken leaves and goes to the train, when he gets to the train he throws out the identification that labels him as Ken, because his name is actually Jim. He gets back to a small studio apartment in Brooklyn with nothing on the walls. Jim is most obviously a con artist. He heads back out into the world with a new fake ID that says his name is Ryan and looks for his next mark, which he finds in a man named Mark who is out looking for a gift for his girlfriend.

 

Jim goes and starts up a conversation with him, and starts to put together his backstory which fits very closely with Mark’s. Mark doesn’t seem to think anything is crazy so eventually Jim, as Ryan, convinces Mark that he is his cousin from his mothers side. Mark is elated and asks Ryan to help him out in picking out a gift. They go all over the place, stop for lunch, which Mark picks up, and finally get to a very nice jewelry store where Mark no longer has any cash for the gift, so Jim/Ryan picks it up for him. Mark is eternally grateful and they head out and go back to Mark’s apartment.

 

His apartment is enormous and Jim can hardly believe it, he feels like he just hit the jackpot. There are expensive paintings and scolptures all over the place, as well as old sports memoribelia. Mark notices Jim checking out everything and says that if he’d rather take his pick of anything he wants. So he does and is happy with the rare autographed Babe Ruth baseball, worth way more.

Anyway, Mark goes out to his dinner while Jim stays at his apt. Turns out it wasn’t Marks apt a t all, Mark was a con man and Jim goes to jail. Yeah. I’m tired. No crazy twist this week. And typing this out on my phone really sucks.

The end

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Movie Movie Podcast #36: Olympus Has Spring Breakers

Happy almost Easter everyone (if you celebrate it, that is)! I’m not sure if you know about this, but if you leave a carrot on your table, write a nice note, and follow us on iTunes you’ll receive a new podcast every week! It’s crazy how these things called “computors” work. Join Alex, Russ, Peter and myself as we agree on Olympus has Fallen, and I shit a brick over everyone’s love of Spring Breakers. Recorded on March 27th 2013.

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Fake Movie Friday: Philip Gets Better

Don’t turn this into Bioshock: Infinite… don’t turn this into Bioshock: Infinite… don’t turn this into Bioshock: Infinite… don’t turn this into Bioshock: Infinite… don’t turn this into Bioshock: Infinite… don’t turn this into Bioshock: Infinite… don’t turn this into Bioshock: Infinite… don’t turn this into Bioshock: Infinite… This is going to be very short, because if I think too much or take too long, it will become Bioshock: Infinite. Colm’s title suggestion this week:

Philip Gets Better

 

Philip has been in a mental institution for a long time. He’s been claiming aliens have been contacting him , they can read his thoughts and know exactly what he’s doing. He also claims that he can hear what they’re doing as well and has been trying to warn everyone about an invasion.

We show scenes of Philip before being in an institution and he would be standing on the street with signs of warning letting everyone know what’s being shared with him. No one believes him obviously and soon he resorts to vandalism and even more serious crimes like arson to try and get everyone’s attention. This is what ultimately puts him in the institution. He claims to know the date, which is supposed to happen during the trial, but nothing happens on that day. He says the aliens know he told and are planning a later date now.

Even in the institution he is still holding fast to his beliefs, and even while heavily medicated he is still spouting the same stuff. He’s even warning about a new date, a date which this time the aliens actually arrive on and wage a war.

Philip is let out and asked to help with the war. He is brought up to speed on the worlds plan. Of course the aliens can hear and see all of this and everything is thwarted. Humanity falls, most are taken as prisoner, and only a few survive in bunkers and this new alien race takes over.

Philip has been captured by the aliens and is brought to the ruler. He asks why he was brought there and the ruler says something like “you don’t remember?” The ruler rips off Philips skin and reveals him to be a alien as well, some high ranking general. He is horrified and the ruler says something like, “we left you here too long brother, you are beginning to act and GASP think like them.” Philip says “maybe I have” and proceeds to punch through the head of the ruler, steals his side arm and primary weapon and takes down all of the forces around him. He lets the captive humans out that are there and then they all take up arms and start the war to take back earth… I guess.

The end?

Phew, it was only a little bioshocky. It originally was far closer

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Fake Movie Friday: HackBus: Air Force One 2

Alright, Alex and I are currently on the bus to Boston for PAX East. While waiting in line for the ride this morning we started stumbled upon an idea for a movie that we decided had to be written. With that, I give you:

HackBus: Air Force One 2

The movie opens with the end of Air Force One. We see Harrison Ford, as president James Marshall, kicking Gary Oldman out of the plane. The public loved James and wants him to be president forever, but he decided to step down after his first term and not run again. There are news programs and papers that are shown in vignettes that tell the history of the world since then. Much of Eastern Europe has formed under the monicker of nUSSR, the US’s economy keeps getting worse, pollution has gotten so bad that air travel is no longer available and Smart Busses have taken over as a clean and fuel efficient way to travel, and people are once again calling for James Marshall to take up a non-consecutive second term in office. They say he’s the only one who can bring the economy back and the nUSSR wants to sign a peace treaty but not with the current president. James runs and wins by a landslide.

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Movie Movie Podcast #35: StOZker

Alright, this could be my worst title (to date). The last remnants of snow have vanished from the bustling city streets, which can only signify one thing: a new Movie Movie Podcast! Join Peter, Russ, Alex and myself as we discuss Stoker and Oz the Great and Powerful. Recorded on March 13th 2013.

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Fake Movie Friday: Post It

Some dude said I looked like Lena Dunham last night. I thought that was kind of weird, yet apropos after looking in a mirror. You know what else is sure to be weird? My Fake Movie Friday! Colm comes through again with yet another banger title:

Post It

Frank is a professional gossip blogger. He has built his life on muck raking from some of hollywoods finest, but has never had his own big story break before. Most of the time he is just piggy backing off of other, more well known and renowned gossip sites and publications.

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