Category Archives: Movie Movie News

Fake Movie Friday: A Thousand Monkeys

Here’ s another movie that sounds so dumb but so real at the same time. I actually think the basic premise is a bit genius, and I’m ashamed to admit that. It started first as just a basic Kevin James talking animal film but, in a lovely twist of events, became more about the infinite monkey theorem. Enjoy.

A Thousand Monkeys

The film opens with a montage of an older woman doing work one morning around the house. She is doing laundry, which clearly belongs to a male. She is picking up toys around the house. She is cooking a big breakfast where the food is shaped like a smiley face. We see pictures on the wall of a little kid chronicling his history with a silly kids newspaper. The mother calls up to her son, Frank, as the camera zooms up the stair and into a room filled with toys and newspaper stuff (I don’t know what this means, I added the newspaper stuff at the end when I couldn’t think of a wrap up). The camera turns towards the bed and we see Frank, played by Jonah Hill, in a bed way to small for him snoring.
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Fake Movie Friday – The Family Ink

Dudes.  It’s been a really long time since there’s been a shitty movie about tattoos.  Hang on there hasn’t been one ever? Ok well I just made one.  This would be directed that guy who made 21.  A piece of shit movie that made way more money than it should have.

Forest Green, played by Viggo Mortensen is a world famous Tattoo artist.  People from all over the world come to his parlor Green in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn because they want the best.  And he is the best.  There is a sequence early on that shows how flashy and great with an ink gun he is and it plays like a scene from Cocktail.  Everyone knows he’s the best.  He has no friends and family cause the only family he needs is his gun.  While he might be the best ever, time has passed him by.  He never adjusted tattoo prices and as a result, is falling behind on his rent for Green.  Also there is a new chain of Tattoo parlors in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, I.D. that has been poaching business from him, and Logan Miller, played by Garrett Hedlund is one of their hottest guns.  Irwin Dean Miller, played by Henry Czerny (I.D.), is the brainchild behind the new tattoo parlors, and he is Logan Miller step-father.  He has turned the tattoo biz into a sterile, family friendly enterprise.  The creativity that has once been the staple of the tattoo parlor is gone, replaced with calculating efficiency and almost no care for the process.

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I’m Scared

I’m still afraid to watch ‘Shame.’ All I hear is how much it will make you hate sex and most things about your desires. So when news came out that the team behind it (writer/director Steve McQueen and star Michael Fassbender) are making “Twelve Years A Slave” a film about slavery, I nearly hid under my bed.
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AICN Accurate Posts and the Godless Hours Where I Read Them

Last night I could not sleep, so I did what any closeted nerd would do and started reading the comments section of Aint It Cool News.  It’s basically a cesspool where nerds and fanboys bitch about stuff and I love it for that.  I was on the comment page for an article about Dawn of the Planet of the Apes and came across this post by a very smart gentleman who goes by the name of “tophat.” Tophat, in reference to the Xmen movies wrote the following and I have to say I agree:

They’re never going to do time travel in the X-MEN…

by tophat 

…that would be too cool for 20th Century Fox to handle. Think about it, on July 18, 2014 we will have been stuck with this version of X-Men for FOURTEEN YEARS. Fox has had 14 years to get the X-Men right and have dropped the ball every-single-time. And, before any of you try to make excuses for these movies let me ask you this: No matter how much you might like certain moments, characters, scenes, etc. from these films, have they really been as successful adaptations as the Marvel Avenger movies? No. The answer is, NO. In my opinion thay haven’t even MADE a real X-Men movie yet. Just a bunch of movies about Eric, Charles, and Logan. It would have been like Marvel spending fourteen years making SHIELD movies where the Avengers pop in every once in a while as guest appearances. Fourteen-Fucking-Years”

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I Feel Dirty

Can we open up a no judgement zone? I would just feel really comfortable if we could all talk as friends.

Independence Day is coming back to theaters next year in 3D.

And I can’t fucking wait.
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The Bourne Legacy Trailer and the Case of the Good Sequel-Boot

I am excited for this movie.  By placing it directly within the timeline of the Jason Bourne films they aren’t absolutely shitting on our intelligence.  Jeremy Renner looks very capable to take over for Matt Damon.  Universal reallllllly needs this to do well.  Battleship tanked, and Snow White is a big gamble.

Check out the newest trailer here!

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Tarsem, Buddy… We Need To Talk

Hey Tarsem. You see I’m only referring to you as Tarsem. I don’t care about the rest of the name you now use. You’ll always be just Tarsem to me. Like Madonna, Prince, or K-fed.
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Piranha 3DD And Why I Don’t Understand Hollywood

Yesterday Peter posted his dismay about Piranha 3DD being released in basically no theaters this Friday (It’s actually playing in 75 theaters, and ONE in NYC) and it got me curious as to what the hell is going on.  Well it turns out that The Weinstein Company and Dimension Films are trying out a new release strategy.  They are releasing Pirahna not only in theaters Friday, but also on VOD services as a rental.  So essentially if your cable provider allows new releases On Demand, you will be able to rent it right from your cable, or from services like Playstation Video Store, VUDU, or Amazon Instant Video.  It also has the distinction of being the first-ever Facebook 3D film release.  If you still want to watch this in 3D they will have  a version available that works with the old school red and blue glasses.  If you don’t have them, they will also have directions on how to ghetto-rig some.

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Stop Telling Me About Iron Man 3

Listen. I saw ‘Avengers.’ I loved it. I am angry I haven’t seen it again. If you think about it the plot was a bit crap. Loki allies with aliens to control Earth, getting him what exactly? Dr. Selvig is brainwashed but programs in a failsafe option to the device.

Fart Noises.

So Marvel, please stop dancing around with the news about ‘Iron Man 3.’

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Finnicky Casting

No claps for the title please. I actually deserve to be slapped for it.

‘Catching Fire’ casting is underway, well ‘Hunger Games: Catching Fire’ is the official title. First off the title is unnecessary. I can’t believe I’m about to give Twilight a compliment, but I like how they give to movie the name of the book and just tack on ‘The Twilight Saga’ on all promotional material.

News right now is the three Actors still up for the role of Finnick are Armie Hammer, Taylor Kitsch, and Garrett Hedlund.

I choose Hedlund. Why? Because I had to look him up.
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